connection. reflection. communication.

exit 36 off the maine turnpike. driving in my new car, already the 2nd trip to OOB in the new wheels, windows down eager to get there and relax...(gotta love the 25 mph speed limit..be aware of the bike cops) I can already taste the salt water waves that would soon be splashing in my face, that sweet summer beach smell. I don't know if its because of the book I finished, or the relationship I have with you or that I am re-establishing with myself (i'm guessing its a bit of all three)...but this mini vacation by myself, minus a great visit from Sharon and being surrounded by my mom's high school friends who may as well be my extended family, so I wasn't by myself, but I mean I was by myself, with no significant other, no Russy, and no friends or cousins...was different than any other. I've never quite appreciated the beach house the way I did in this short and sweet visit. Beautiful weather, great napping weather on Friday with that breeze you feel consistently, forgetting just how powerful the sun can still be, and Saturday not a cloud in the sky, clear, crisp and refreshing water with just the right amount of waves. What more could you ask for? great food. great company. great weather. great tan. so appreciative of my surroundings, taking it all in, could it be the age I am, the book I finished reading all about happiness...whatever it was, I've always appreciated the beach house and the fact that we as kids are lucky enough to have a place to go away for the summers... it's in the family. It's all about family.

Had a few drinks, took a few naps, just sat around and it felt great. getting antsy, I just up and left to the path down the beach. by myself before dinner. It was great. The tide was heading out, the walkers were in full gear and the dogs were a barking. The best time of the day to take a nap or a walk in this case on the beach... not too hot, not too cool. Walking along the shore looking at rocks, shells, and the lone fisherman with his two poles just hanging in the water, probably not catching a thing that day, but doing what he loves to do. The old man dressed all in blue with his socks and sneakers and small dog on leash, passed him going both ways down the beach, both times glancing at eachother, looking at his pooch (who was the dog most resembling Russell...made me miss him) just smiled at eachother as we walked by both times, like we had seen one another before, or maybe he saw me looking at his dog, or maybe he could tell I was also a dog owner...for whatever reason, there was a connection. for an instant. an innocent stranger-stranger connection as if the world was harmless and I was fearless of the strangers walking up and down the beach. Connection: A means or channel of communication, an association or relationship.

We make connections on a daily basis, whether it lasts for an instant, the length of our current employment, college course we're taking or for a lifetime. A smile. head nod. hello. hi, how are you. thank you. you're welcome. bless you. good night. I love you. I miss you... connections in our words, our hugs, our kisses, our feelings and thoughts about each other. good bad and sometimes ugly. strong. weak. ever lasting. timing is everything so they say. I had a lot of time to think over the past few days, and whether that's good or bad, I think this time it was pretty good, pretty meditating...thinking about connections in my life, but more importantly focusing on family, you and the friends I have now in my life. sad. happy. mixed feelings. dislike. love. I need to get over the fact that I no longer talk to or see or know for that matter, anyone from my childhood other than my family. I have to be ok with that, and like everything, it's a process, easier with time, less hate, less sad, less mixed feelings. Happy for those who are in my life, focusing on them and you and my family, grateful for where I am and like I said in a previous blog, thankful for the past, for my sarcasm, for my defense mechanisms, because we all have them, and we all need to use them at some point in our lives. Growth. Appreciation. all because of the past. Time. Counseling. Family love and support. Maturity. Move on.

I have grown a lot, whether forced to or self initiated, I have grown and appreciate. But I still have a lot to work on.

anxiety. let it go. just breathe. need to redirect my crazy unrealistic thoughts. trying too hard to please. verbal diarrhea of my feelings when silence is best.

Process: A series of actions, changes, or functions bringing about a result

"In other words, to be happier, I need to boost my good feelings, put a stop to my bad feelings, and pursue my right feelings."-G.Rubin

“It is easy to be heavy: hard to be light.” G. K. Chesterton

may we learn from each other, thank you for talking without anger, loving without judgement...letting me express my anxiety, talk through my discomforts, my flaws..thank you for not being scared to put me in my place...as we learn from eachother, we grow and learn that all things are good in moderation. finding that happy medium. happiness. comfort.