be thankful.

"Be thankful for every heartbreak, for they were planned. They come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. Their purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life. And you do."

it's been a few days... things are just as well I suppose...a little crankier today than yesterday, but just as emotional if not more...not sure why. Seasons changing? full moon? pmsing.. for months? pre-holiday season? been busier than ever on the weekends and working two jobs during the week, maybe it's just catching up to me....mind has been racing, body has been moving nonstop...need to slow down Lianne. I'm no good to you or myself when I'm like this. This, I haven't exactly felt this way before? overwhelmed, stressed, emotional, sure I've felt all of those things before, but not like this.

Be thankful for every heartbreak, for they were planned, and nothing was more planned than this past unplanned planned decision of my life. Third time is a charm... first time, I got Russell; second time, I moved to Maine; third time, I decided for myself. Be thankful for every heartbreak, for it teaches you a lesson for the next one, but may you be the last one. the one.

They shake you up...show your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get it. Shake you so silly that you can't eat, don't eat, don't recognize yourself, get wrapped so far around your thoughts, you can't think straight until one day you just can't take it anymore, you found your way out of the obstacle, your heart broken and happy at the same time, ready for the new obstacle, the new light. The light that came out of no where, and yeah sure, the old one came out of no where too, but this is different. you are different. I told you, I came to you, when everything in my life was going...going so fast, fast because I thought that's what I wanted, I thought that's the best I could have done, so I better keep going before it was too late, before I was going to end up alone. A friend I used to have, always said she'd end up in the nunnery because she could never find someone. I guess we all think at some point in our lives, that we might end up alone, or maybe we all don't think that way, just us pessimists, because this friend of mine, now that I can clearly see and look back on our friendship, I can hear the negativity. We're only as positive and motivating and happy as those we surround ourselves with.

because I have to believe that it's never too late to start over, more importantly it's never too late to make decisions for yourself and your own happiness, self worth, and heart. I know that I can have everything I have always wanted, the wedding, the kids, the marriage to someone who loves me, trusts me, respects me, and works with me. I know this, and I long for the day to have all of this. But for now I need to work on me, I need to continue my therapy on my own, I need to write more, take more me time, show you how grateful I am for you and to you, love and respect you and treat you the way you treat me and deserve...and out of control that you have to transform your life. And you do...and I am..

"You deserve a place that feels like home. You deserve some hands to hold. Hands to pull you past the broken moments, hands to catch you when you fall. Eyes to see you. To say you’re there, that you exist, that you change a room, that your presence is significant. Ears to hear you - hear your stories, hear you laugh. Ears to hear your questions and to say they matter."

smell the roses.

take time to smell the roses.

leave the dishes in the dishwasher... they don't need to be put away as soon as the washing cycle is done. ... instead, sit around with the one you love and play silly computer games, laugh, joke, laugh some more 'til the other one hits their foot on the coffee table and proceeds to throw a coaster which leads to the coaster breaking in half! haaa. :) love. it makes us do crazy things.

love when I drive by the pond near my mom's and see an old man just sitting there by himself, taking it all in... wonder what he's thinking about? maybe he just fought with his wife and needed to get out for a minute, or maybe he lost his wife a year ago, and that bench was one of their spots they liked to drink coffee at on sunday mornings...

love when I look back in my rear view mirror and see Russell's little head hanging out the car window, fur blowing in the wind...

laughter...how I missed you.

what made you smile this week?

lions and tigers and bears. oh my.

saw WICKED tonight. it was my first time. so fun.

"It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend..."

"It's just life So keep dancing through"

love doing things, going places, spending my time wisely instead of just getting out and doing grocery shopping and target as some quality time, don't get me wrong, I actually enjoy grocery shopping and Target can be a good time, but I'm living life now...it's not always about errands and to do lists... something I am still working on figuring out but getting there :) some things can wait. With my to-do list, I have realized I need a for-me list, do things for me, do things I've always wanted to do, get out there and explore what life has to offer you, some things on my to-do list can wait 'til tomorrow, because when we think of it, will we really die happier knowing that we vacuumed and did laundry today instead of going to see the movie we've been dying to see (don't wait 'til it comes out on video), or the restaurant we've been dying to try? not really!

"Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!

It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you can't pull me down!"

and so that was my september 11th, 9 years later...a long time since sitting in statistics class at UMF wondering what the hell was happening in the friggin crazy world. today riding on the T, looking ever so closely at all the different kinds of people, smiling and laughing and talking just like you and me, thinking if any of them had been personally affected by 9/11/01...to life and to those who lost their lives in saving others, may we all be so brave some day to help others and be so selfless.

when you hurt, I hurt.

we all cry. we all crave attention. we all want attention. we are all looking for love, we are all wanting to be loved, we all want someone to love and take care of. to each of us, it sounds different, it looks different, but its all the same. it's life and we have to take the good with the bad, we have to forgive and forget, we have to move on from the hate, from the all the bad, or we can't welcome more love and more good this crazy messed up world has to offer us before we die. we all die. but it's not our choice to decide when we do or how we do it.

you are loved. you have people who love you. you know that. you've always known that. reaching out... now that's different. reaching out for help. asking for help. how does one do such a task? how does one admit to oneself that he/she needs help. you must succumb to the realization that you have reached your rock bottom. you can't help yourself. you have become so wrapped in your thoughts and negativity that you don't even know where to start or where to look. others may help and support you, but in fact you yourself can only help yourself. we all handle pain in a different way.

it hurts me to know that I can't help you but be there for you, but my counselor said and I know deep down that I am helping you by just being there for you, as you are there for me in return. family. we're born into it, and in the end it's all we have. define family in any way that it applies to you. you always said blood is thicker than water. so for purposes of this blog, family here applies to blood related family. The family you are born into, leaving you no choice but to love all those who surround you, even if they are the ones who after years, only show up to birthday parties, baptisms, and holidays. all the space in between. all the life in between, yah, we may not know about each other anymore, in all that space as we have grown older starting our own lives, but you know deep down they would do anything for you, they would show up at your funeral. ha, your funeral. isn't it too late by then? so the family that you do talk to and see more than the list above, get to know them even more, talk to them even more, and love them even more.

we are all so strong, stronger than we give ourselves credit for. you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. look at all this life around you, those who are still living, laughing, loving... look up to those who can go on after losing both parents, be grateful you have one or both left, be grateful for those who can go on after divorce, disorders, and such horrible things that people have done to our bodies. We are all strong, strong in our own ways. How can we compare, we can't, and we won't, or we'll never think we deserve as much as we do! we do!! religion...it's a funny thing, to believe in this one guy, this one God, who has all these powers to create and take away, the good with the bad again I suppose, but why? We all these tests in life? who knows. maybe its not for us to know. but faith, we all need a little faith. We have to have faith and hope that tomorrow brings more happiness than sadness, more strength to keep us going, more faith to believe that no matter how many people do things to our bodies without asking, take away people we love, end our friendships without asking, or whatever may apply to you reading this, we need to have that faith and hope to go on, to maybe not always forgive, but to make our heart just a little bit bigger tomorrow to forget. forget the hurt,the pain, the sadness. not all the time, just a little less each day.

make new memories.

I look up to you for loving and letting people in after those guys did such horrible things to you and your body, leaving you hospitalized for a bit...and I look up to you for being good parents when you no longer have your own parents in your life, and I look up to you for helping and taking care of those when you only have one parent left to take care of you....

so I cry today because the big guy upstairs didn't take you from me today, I love today because that's the only thing I want to do, I smile today because I need to stop crying, I look forward to family gatherings because if that's the only time we will see each other, than I will make the most of it.