Pain/Love

No one wants to see the ones we love in pain. Last night brought us closer together. It has been a crazy fun emotional past six weeks or so, and I am so in love with it, with the feeling of it all and the reality of it. I need to pinch myself! "Is this really happening" is said to one another almost on a daily basis.

I knew when she texted me like crazy tuesday morning at work, it was an emergency, and so I stepped out to call her immediately. She had just fallen at Macy's, hit her head on the glass jewelry counter and fell to the floor. Next thing she knew she woke up with people surrounding her, to be carried out on a stretcher. After vitals were taken and whatnot, she drove herself home. Don't worry, I yelled at her for that one. I left work as soon as I could to be with her, and so our afternoon/night began at UMass hospital. 

After about eight and a half hours, tears, laughs, CAT scan, MRI and X-rays, we were released to go home. Thankful for negative test results. Home by midnight, ate some dinner, and took some meds to bed. Per nurses orders I had to wake her every two hours, quizzed her to make sure she knew who I was and who she was. Fun times. I took the day to be with her and make sure she was resting. 

This was a different kind of pain, than other loved ones I am constantly worrying about, this was physical pain, the pain no humans can help, but simply rely on medications and technology and devices. I mean they can help the physical pain, but not really, not always. The day to day pain you endure and have endured for years, I wish I could take some of that pain away. The scare last night I had when the doctors were throwing words around like spine and MRI and paralysis, at times I just couldn't be strong for you when I should have been, but instead you were comforting me through my tears.

You only just found me, and I need you. I want you. You were meant for me, and I was meant for you. Don't ever scare me like that again, you! But like you said, everything happens for a reason, and I myself have always believed that, even though I never knew the reasons... you are my reason. Now I know. You are the one I have been waiting for, for a very long time. I love you, I am so in love with you, getting to know you, be with you, care for you, be cared for by you. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you. 

Through sickness and in health. 

"You're not perfect, sport, and let me save you the suspense: this girl you've met, she's not perfect either. But the question is whether or not you're perfect for each other."-GWH

"So, when did you know, like, that she was the one for you?"
me: October 5, 2013

Parade Day. Boston Red Sox.

Go write she said.. and let it all out.... no one has ever told me to go write the way she said it, with such passion and excitement in her voice. Why? I asked... and she said as if she's known me for a lifetime already ... because that is what you love to do, that is how you let it all out. So as she lies in bed, I sit here writing my thoughts, my fears, my hopes, and my needs/wants for life. Life is scary, life is unfair, life is messy, life is truly what happens when you're too busy making other plans or searching on your cell phones... life is hard, life is fun... Why am I so scared she asks over and over.. .and my answer remains the same. I am not good at these things, I don't give myself enough credit, if any at all. Beginnings lead to endings in my mind, and I am not good at endings, I know that for sure. But I also know what I want out of a relationship and I couldn't say that with confidence just a few short years ago, so I guess that is a sign of learning, growing, and maybe even a little self acceptance and self worth happening there too.

I want to be happy. who doesn't. Yeah, I'm 31 and thought I "should" have my life together by now, but clearly I don't. I also know that it's ok that I don't have it all together. I am doing things I never have done before, lifting weights... a lot of weights... jogging/walking 5k's... and I am doing things I haven't done in a long time... smiling more often and meaning it, belly laughing, meeting new people and finding out that I can actually still connect with others and make special friendships, without any reservations.

We come from very different pasts, and sometimes more of something isn't always a good thing. We all have our vices, but we either learn from them and grow as a person, or continue to repeat old patterns. I am ready for the love I think I deserve, I know I deserve, but don't always think I do.

Today was parade day and we woke up before the sun came up. I was sipping on captain and coke before the clock hit 7:30am.... while filling up mr. mustachio (my flask) to head out to Boston with some friends and my most amazing girlfriend... to say it was a fantastic day would be an understatement. It was by far the most laid back relaxed fun I have had on a Saturday in a long time, well worth taking the day off from work. "I don't even like sports, but I'm all for the parties," and I took some killer photos of the duck boats in the water with all the Red Sox players, front operation people, alumni, and radio station peeps. The weather couldn't have been more perfect, especially for November 2nd, and it was as if her and I had been out and about countless times. This is not a honeymoon phase, there was no honeymoon phase. I'm jumping in, this is real, she is real, I want this and so does she, so why do we have to play by the "rules" when we are going along swell by our "rules" and speed. I had not a worry in the world, except when she was scooting around the subway and we couldn't find her, but other than that, not a care in the world, happy as a pig in shit, or a girl with her girlfriend on one arm and her rum in the other.

 

I love spending time with her, I love her the way she looks into my eyes and says nothing but the smile on her face, I love that she reminds me of the relationship I had with my exfiance...the person I was planning on spending my life with, that relationship would have worked if only he wasn't a man, I love how she reminds me of that relationship even though it scares the shit out of me... that's how I know this is real and whatever speed we may be going, we are on the same page, the same speed. I love how she asks me what I am thinking, I love how she calls me beautiful, I love how she looks at me and gets all flustered. I love how she makes me laugh, I love how I don't know whether or not a "girly" giggle or a "masculine" comment is going to come out of her mouth. 

I want this to work more than anything... I am ready for this. I am ready to share my life. I am not the pursuer anymore and damn, does it feel great. My co-workers commented on some pictures we posted tonight from the parade... " OK I 'mm gonna say it -- the look in your eyes and that smile is so nice to see again - this is you genuinely happy -- I want to meet this girl!"  .... "i agree, maybe we have to have a party just for the occasion"

They are absolutely right. She doesn't give me butterflies, and there is no "honeymoon" dating period, and I am more than ok with all of that. Instead, she put the twinkle back in my eyes, and the hope for something better back into my heart. 

I want to struggle in this crazy life with you...I want to cry some more, laugh a ton, fight, argue, make up, hold you, take care of each other, and just live because if I learned anything in my 20s, it was that life is way too short to wait for the perfect moment, for the perfect opportunity or financial security to live. 

I want to struggle in this crazy life with you. Call me crazy, it's only been a little over a month, but we were supposed to meet again someway somehow, almost 13 years later, somewhere other than the University of Maine at Farmington. I've been waiting for someone like you for a long, long time. The perfectly balanced combination of masculine, feminine and everything else....