one day at a time.

One day at at a time. That's all that we can do. So much easier said than done. One day at a time was the topic last night at the tuesday aa beginners meeting, ironically filled with people who have been earning their seat as early as 1992 and then some. Why are they here still? How come they have to come to meetings still? Wow, after all these years they still need reminders and to talk about their journey. If you were to ask me all these questions almost two months ago when I walked into my very first meeting, I wouldn't have been so sure how to answer, but now, now I get it. 

One day at a time. Everyone's different with different pasts and experiences, but we all have one thing in common at those meetings. We are not normal social drinkers. They keep coming to the meetings because of the friendships they have formed, the feeling of helping others in the meetings as well as themselves, and why not come to the meetings, it's free therapy! As mentioned in previous discussions, "people in AA are some of the most normal people I have ever met," said John. It's true. People in AA are there because they can't manage a huge part of their life, but it's not always about the alcohol. That's the drug of choice: alcohol, but it's all the other things in their life that became/become unmanageable due to the misuse or abuse of alcohol beyond one's control. 

Living in the moment. One day at a time! A lot of great things were said last night. "If you have one foot in the past and one foot in the future, you piss all over today." "Live in the now...NOW...no other way!" A wise older woman who delivered a great thought at last nights meeting..."let's be more childlike. Children know how to live in the moment, in the present...have you ever interrupted a child during play in their sandbox? Yes sure it's lunch time but they must finish what they were building or playing with...that's living in the moment in the now!" 

It seemed much easier back then before we were corrupted by the world we live in. Alcohol is everywhere and it's a legal drug! Thousands and thousands of people misuse or abuse it everyday!! So why is there such shame or embarrassment by being an alcoholic?! Why do we even have to worry about going out to a restaurant with coworkers after work or a holiday party with friends or family? Why do we have to worry what others will think or say if we don't pick up a drink with the rest of them? It's like worrying about people not liking your outfit or the way you wear your hair. Most others don't really care about those things, we tend to care mostly about our own self, so why the shame?

My first meeting I attended, like I have mentioned in previous blogs, I did not introduce myself as an alcoholic. But I am. I am an abnormal drinker. I didn't drink every day, but when I did…I couldn't stop myself. I didn't know when to stop. I kept going and why not. I had no responsibilities, I had no one who loved me waiting at home. I had a job, I had friends, I was just having a good time, not hurting anyone….but I was. I was hurting, but in a different way. Just like you grieve in different stages, I guess I was hurting in different stages. The anger and sadness was gone, so bring on the irresponsible fun and recklessness.

To be here typing this to you, I am so fortunate. If anything these past sober months, I have revisited over and over my past drinking nights, days and afternoons and there is not one proud moment, nor fun for that matter. Yes, I had fun, but in the beginning. Almost every single drinking day and/or night that started out fun ended in future embarrassments, heartaches, or terrible decisions! I am fortunate that peeing myself the second time was enough. The first time, I was by myself. The second and last time, I was with my friend sharing a sleep space, but thank god she didn't notice, or maybe she did and just didn't say anything. I drank in the mornings, I drank by myself, I drank out of control at family functions and random nights. But maybe that was it, peeing myself and sleeping through it! Wake up!! Who lives like that? Who was taking care of me? No one but myself and I was doing a terrible job at it.

There is no shame in not drinking among friends at a holiday party, or at the beach house among family. There is shame and embarrassment in peeing yourself while sharing a bed with a friend on vacation. There is shame in stumbling home being held up by friends. There is shame in letting people take advantage of your body and emotions. There is no shame in choosing to not doing something any longer that allows you to think clearer and function day to day making better life choices, even if it means a few extra tears along the days, some days.

People have told me "I was scared when you drank, I saw it, you couldn't stop" and yes, I could be upset as to why they didn't intervene earlier, but I'm too embarrassed to feel anything but shame and humility. Many people at the meetings have said they remembered their last drink, and how they don't want to forget their past because they don't ever want to end up back there. I don't ever want to be so helpless, so vulnerable and so humiliated again.

One day at a time. One day at a time without alcohol and just with life in general. We don't know what tomorrow brings, but we need, I need to stop living in the past and all the ridiculousness it has attached to it. What's done is done. I have made it to where I am because this is where I am supposed to be. I truly believe everything happens for a reason. My angels in the sky were looking over me, and I scared them too many times, along with those still here in my life. You never realize just how far you've come until life changing things have happened to you, and I have come pretty damn far! I have come too far to do anything stupid to mess up what's ahead for me in this crazy beautiful world.

"if you collect your pennies, you'll become a millionaire, if you collect your days, you'll have years and years of sobriety."

"alcohol doesn't control me, it doesn't tell me who to hang out with, where to go, and what to do anymore"

"my normal is pretty great now, I enjoy warm showers... spending time with my family… I couldn't enjoy those things before because they didn't happen"

Accept today. It truly is a gift many won't get.

I can only speak for myself about the quote above, it holds a lot of truth. As easy as it sounds, It hasn't been the easiest process for me…about ten years in the making…but there was something about the tuesday night aa meeting that brought a new light to the whole concept of acceptance and forgiveness. 

It was step 2, "came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity," the topic of discussion and like every Tuesday night many people shared and again there were a few things of what people said that caught my attention more than the rest. If we don't believe in a higher power whether that person be God or whomever or whatever.... We have to believe that we are not in control of all things. There is always going to be death, accidents, loss and a change of your plans because you can't control everything nor everyone. We have to forgive those who hurt us but more importantly forgive ourselves. Someone else spoke of "let it happen." Ahh that is such a struggle for me on a daily basis. My life was just happening with alcohol but in a different sense of the phrase... It was happening and I had absolutely no to little control about those drinking nights...that only led to not arrests or duis, but just headaches, heartaches and confusion. Why was I adding more of that into my life? Was it really helping me forget the past hurt? No, it added more hurt and more heartache and thoughts of loneliness forever. 

I don't need that anymore. I don't have drama in my life like that anymore. Alcohol added so much fun, yeah sure but so much confusion, empty lonely thoughts and more headaches. It was a temporary novacane for me. 

I have cried more in the past four months than I have in a long time. The novacane is no longer there. The reality of life is and how there are some things we can not control or even plan no matter how hard we try. And to really understand things that have happened to me in my life, I needed to remove alcohol because with all that liquid courage came much confusion and drama and dwelling. I don't want to feel how I have felt for past years and years. I've always wanted to forgive and most importantly move on with my life accepting the things I can not change, accepting those who have forever left my life on this earth, and those who have chose to not be apart of my life for whatever reasons. 

I am no longer chasing those reasons, unanswered questions or lost hopes. I am embracing today and all of my flaws and everything that makes me so strong, beautiful and lovig because I am all of those things and much more. 

Walking in to the room this past Tuesday and having Paula and Alex and Sam say Hi Lianne and even Hi Missy was some kind of big feeling I can't really explain, other than awesome and fulfilling. It made my heart happy. 

She makes my heart happy too. I wouldn't have had that time with my brother (in my last blog) if I wasn't sober and the same for him. I couldn't be more proud of him for staying with his school and finishing soon, and giving him his addiction that has haunted him for years. 

There is so much to be thankful for, so much that makes me happy and so much I have been missing out on. I have all that I need and will be blessed with whatever each day brings to us. 

good ol' days

This weekend has been something like mind changing, but to the ordinary eye it may have just been some regular old weekend. To me...It wasn't! It started Thursday when my therapist was pleasantly surprised I have still been attending aa meetings. Not only attending, but this weekend you could say I included more of the aa meetings into my daily life, or maybe it was time that it just kind of happened that way, either way it was a great weekend. 

Friday night was dinner and bowling with Miss' cousin and her boyfriend. Good laughs, an easy going fun friday night, but the best part the night, besides of course laughing and being with my fiancé and some of her extended family, was that no one drank any alcohol. We all had a great time talking at dinner and laughing, then bowling for two competitive hours thanks to groupon, and a quick card game at their house. It seems such a simple concept but really I can not remember a time hanging out and laughing at dinner and bowling without alcohol among great company!! On the way home, I couldn't help but stare at my fiancé with a smile on my face. I enjoyed myself!! I am fun without drinking!!! A topic that was discussed thursday at therapy. The biggest struggle I have had with no alcohol in my life. The fearful thoughts that I was just no fun without drinking, and like my therapist said, "that's sad Lianne, that you think you're no fun… it's not about the alcohol, it's your personality and who you are, you are a fun loving person."

After work Saturday, Miss and I took a drive, an unplanned drive, sightseeing the surrounding towns, and potential places we could afford to live someday. Life is fun with her, life is how it should be with her by my side, in the driver seat, taking me for a ride of my life. This is supposed to feel like this!! Buying snacks, holding hands, talking about the scenery…"we could totally live here some day!" And someday we will live somewhere in the most perfect house for us, holding our babies. Sugar highs, random drives, and driving ranges in Palmer, Ma.

Just when I thought the weekend couldn't get any better…. Sunday after church, with no plans to do lots of nothing, turned out to be the breakfast out, and a little shopping for my bride to be best friend was exactly what I needed. However, it didn't stop there. We ended up napping on the couches of my parent's house with Miss saying "are we pulling a Cosky?" haha, yes yes we are. When in rome do as the romans, so when at my parents do as my parents…nap on the couch. :) Only to be woken up by my brother's arrival home from coaching and reffing, asking us what we were going to eat already! The three of us had a very enjoyable dinner with laughs and lots of conversation with and without our waiter, but mostly with (haha), at a local pizza place. "I don't get out much," he kept saying, but with smiles and laughter across his face, no shame, anger or sadness. And that made it all worth it even though our bill was outrageous (and we didn't even have alcohol!!!) but it was all worth it!

It didn't stop there, even though it probably should have since he needed to sleep before his overnight shift. We went back to the house and hung out in the sitting room with a little youtube music videos from back in the day. A little home karaoke if you will. Just like the good ol' days in our play room upstairs in the house we grew up in. Just like those days. I can't put into words the feelings I have from last night. I will cherish the photos we took, so I can remember it. But this feeling, this feeling I hope is the beginning of these new good ol' days we are making for years ahead.