hate. love. sittoo.

so it's been bothering me about my last post, about having so much hate inside me towards others and just sometimes life in general.. like how unfair it is sometimes, beyond our control. I don't want to come across as an unhappy cruel person, because I am happy, this is one of the most happy times of my adulthood thus far. We can all vent and be envious of other peoples lives sometimes, the good with the bad. I know that people die. We all do. And I know that the very bad people rotting in jail are peoples loved ones too, but they did very bad things, and naturally should be punished for what they have done...why do they get to live? why do they get three cooked meals a day? why do they get to have visitors? I can't visit you anymore, and it's just not fair. simple as that. I visit your headstone, even though I know you are not there. You are all around, you show up in the most happy times, when we are thinking about you or talking about you.

"You’ll get over it…” It’s the clichés that cause the trouble. To lose someone you love is to alter your life for ever. You don’t get over it because ‘it” is the person you loved. The pain hurts less...but the gap never closes. How could it?...This hole in my heart is in the shape of you and no-one else can fit it."

six years. its crazy how day to day nothing seems to change, but looking back on six years, my how things have changed, the people I've met, the jobs I've held, the relationships I've been in, the new friends I've made, the old friends I've lost, the cars I've bought, the places I've lived, the places I've visited...so many stories, so many memories that I can't share with you. If only you could see me now, part of you might be shocked at the stuff I've done and changed, but I know that deep down you'd be proud and you'd be happy and you'd be supportive. I wish I knew what you would think of all of this, and what you would say to me..if you could be here now. We all wish you could be here now. I never thought I'd miss the sound of someones voice the way I do, the way you answered the phone and we'd always laugh, the way you went down the line of your childrens' names to get to the right one you were trying to talk to or about...your voice, your smell. two of the things I miss most. funny, because you'd think it would be your cooking, but mom has stepped it up a bit... it's crazy how much leb food she cooks these days. maybe it's the house, maybe it's you. It is the house, it is you. maybe it's her way of missing you, cooking like you used to. six years. love you. miss you. thinking of you always.

words. tears. touch.

"never let go of hope. one day you will see that it all has finally come together. what you have always wished for has finally come to be. you will look back and laugh at what has passed and you will ask yourself, 'how did i get through all of that?'" (unknown)

If I can make it through losing friends, losing loved ones, going to college not knowing a single soul, living on my own, paying my bills, buying cars in my name only, then I can make it through this... that funny transition period....that time between ending and starting again, leaving all familiar and entering brand new. stressed? a little bit. hateful, bitter, sad, frustrated? yeah. a bit. sad, longing for how family and friends used to be. frustrated, with myself for feeling this way. feeling this way, I've been here before, felt this before... hated it then, hate it even more now. getting caught up in all the not's and the don't haves, so please...bring on the routines, bring on the full paychecks, I have more life to keep living....

"it's not so much that we're afraid of change or so in love with the old ways, but it's that place in between that we fear . . . it's like being between trapezes. it's linus when his blanket is in the dryer. there's nothing to hold on to." (marilyn ferguson)

After lunch with a friend today I realized I still have a lot of hate inside me. hate that comes topped with disappointment, disbelief, and sadness and I hate it. ha. I hate feeling this way, so many words, so many memories all being bounced and pulled and pushed around inside of me. I hate how I remember certain pety details of my past, I hate how people think they can just tell you how they think you should live your life, oh and wait, and then don't want to be your friend anymore anyways, then keep your fucking opinions to yourself and just stop calling me and hanging out with me, because I have done it that way before. But no lets one up my old friends this time and piss me off, hurt my feelings and then don't hang out or call me anymore. Thanks. And this hate, is not always towards people, its just like this hurt and hate to the world sometimes...I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way, you guys know exactly what I'm talking about it, we just all express it differently. I get bitchy and I cry...I cry for reasons, and I cry for no reasons...simply frustration. But hey, I could be doing more descructive things, so what's the harm in crying sometimes.

The hate will never go away. When there is so much of it? I know this is pretty bitter and negative, but its all about balance right? There will be some days when I just want to cry and be sad, and I need to be. I need you to hold me and love me without judgment without frustration of not knowing why Im crying. At the point of most of my tears, my words are useless. meaningless. There are no words left, I have had discussions and conversations with myself, my mom and whoever else over and over, words are meaningless, tears are all I have to let out...so make me smile when I am sad, make me laugh when I am mad, hold me when I am crying...asking for these things is hard, forgive me.

"We never know what will happen but I believe good things happen every day. I believe good things happen even when bad things happen. And I believe on a happy day like today, we can still feel a little sad. And that’s life, isn’t it?"-the book, Elsewhere

eat.pray.love.

"To lose balance sometimes for love is part of living a balanced
life."- eat pray love

I am inspired. I saw the movie last week and I want to see it again and again, and with a notebook so I can write down all the fabulous lines and quotes and life lessons from it. I want to read the book as well. That will be the next library book I take out for sure...sometime next week perhaps, after school starts and we get settled back into our daily routines. Wouldn't it be something if we all could just take a year off (not all at the same time..ha) and get our heads straight. insert soothing sounds here. so nice. so calm. imagine not talking for hours or days or weeks, just to ourselves in our heads.

My head has been going nonstop since I saw the movie. I am inspired. I am going to write a book about my life. about all the different kinds of love in my life. and how you can love different kinds of people. Maybe that's what I am supposed to do, since going back to school doesn't really sound appealing to me. I shall write a book. love and life and the icky stuff inbetween, the confusions of growing up attracted to many people and not knowing why, the things we do for love, or instant satisfaction and looking back only with regret or shame wondering how we could do such things to our bodies, our hearts, ourselves.

My thoughts are racing, and I am full of motivation and ideas.

"He who does not understand your silence will probably not understand your words."

So I will write my words.

love me at my best, love me more at my worst.

sometimes I can't help but think and worry about things, we all do, and we handle them in different ways, thanks for being so supportive when my mind goes crazy.

ponder these...

"Ask what most people want out of life and the answer is simple; to be happy. Maybe it’s this expectation though, the wanting to be happy that just keeps us from ever getting there. Maybe the more we try to will ourselves to the state of bliss, the more confused we get…to the point where we dont recognize ourselves. Instead we just keep smiling…trying like hell to the be the happy people we wish we were. until eventually it hits us, it’s been there all along…not in our dreams or hopes but in the known. the comfortable. the familiar"- GREYS ANATOMY season 6, 'shiny happy people' episode 22

"Not everything comes along just when we want it. There are times when decisions just have to be made, or you certainly will miss out."

"No relationship is perfect, ever. There are always some ways you have to bend, to compromise, to give something up in order to gain something greater…The love we have for each other is bigger than these small differences. And that’s the key. It’s like a big pie chart, and the love in a relationship has to be the biggest piece. Love can make up for a lot."

"What a strange world this is when you can have as much sex as you like but love is taboo."

whole grain chef boyardee inspired

There are just some things that should be eaten alone ...cantaloupe with ricotta and ham on a cracker? what?? gross.
leave cantaloupe alone, it is splendid by itself...
and Beefaroni chef boyardee...what are you thinking make it whole grain pasta? like that is going to make it more healthy. just leave it alone and let kids be kids!! If you have caring and loving parents that are concerned for your health and well being, having a little crap food when you're a kid won't hurt you. all things in moderation after all right? Its all about parenting skills at this point, there are still plenty of kids that are always on the go, horseback riding here, swimming there...etc, despite all of this technology and surfing the web, kids are still active.

Sure, I'm struggling with my weight, aren't we all in some way or another, but as a responsible adult, we make our own choices, if I wanted to be a huge fat ass, then I would continue to eat the same crap food that was available to me as a child, but I don't want to be that lady on Maury Povich. Sorry if I'm sounding totally rude and heartless, but how do you seriously gain that much weight without doing something about it, UNLESS there is something medically going on... shoot me in the head the day I ever got that big and immobile. Healthy food follows healthy relationships and connections with those who also care about how they feel and what they look like. More importantly though, it's about how you feel.


so let kids be kids, let cantaloupe stand alone, and leave the whole grains to the grown up pasta boxes...there are just some things that should not be messed with. really.

another one being love. let love live. people are going to love who they love no matter what, just let it be. whats so wrong with that?

thanks for reading my crazy antics...leave some love

love. laugh. live.

"when someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth"

I don't make decisions on a whim, I think about them maybe too much, but if I'm passionate about it, I end up doing it, and thank goodness for that, regret..life is too short not to have gotten my eye brow ring without warning to my parents (my mom thought it was fake, my dad thought it was cool), too short not to have gotten my puppy (again without warning to my parents but this time at least I wasn't living at home!ha) too short not to have gotten my tattoo, too short not to have gone away to college without knowing a single soul, too short not to have changed my life for the better...

I no longer surround myself with people who bring me down, and I am continuing to stay positive and move on from thinking about those who no longer think of me, actions speak louder than the words that they will never have the guts to say to me. I cry less, smile more. Talking to friends out of state, seeing my cousins kids run around, smiling of having my own one day, greetings from Russell every time I come home, seeing the numbers go down on the scale, having dinners with you...

I haven't laughed like this in years...day to day you make me laugh that deep belly laugh and so early in the morning, there's nothing better than laughing first thing when you wake, loving my job and being silly, the laughter fills the room at just the right times reminding us that we are working with fragile lovable children, the silly things they do, the noises Russell makes, the way he always lies between us, instant therapy....laughter with loved ones.

Love as long as you live, love yourself first and always because no one will love you like you. Love your family because they are the only family you have, love the work you do and you won't work a day in your life, loving Russell like he's my baby because he is, love yourself, love yourself enough to be good and true to yourself, love yourself and you will find someone who will love you for you and appreciate you.

Love yourself...you will find love in others,
Treat yourself...you will be treated,
Laugh...others will join you,
Appreciate and you will be appreciated.

settle:to sink to the bottom

"living with integrity means: not settling for less than what you know you deserve. asking for what you want and need from others. speaking your truth, even though it might create conflict or tension. behaving in ways that are in harmony with your personal values. making choices based on what you believe, and not what others believe.”~ barbara de angelis

"the minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than what you settled for"

Integrity: adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty. Settle: to gather, collect, or become fixed in a particular place, direction,..to sink to the bottom, as sediment. settle for, to be satisfied with: to settle for less.

I would be engaged if it weren't for you. Not true. I would be engaged if it weren't for me. You, well you just helped make that decision a bit more clear :) when really it was there all along. I was not happy. I was confused, unhappy, stressed to the max, providing, and needing a break already, not even married, not raising my kids yet, only 27 years old. A sensitive guy he was, and maybe that's all that attracted me...it all seems to make sense when you can look back on it. I was settling. Deep down my mom knows too...minus the shock, minus the tears, minus the confusion, I know that she knows I was making a mistake. She also knows I don't go into something without having it rip me apart and going at it from every angle until I just can't take it anymore. I'm not one to make a huge life decision on a whim. Things aren't always as they seem, and people are not always who they say they are. So I've lost a few friends in the process, mostly all from my past, but for what reasons? For the one consistent reason being that I stood up for myself, I took care of myself, I said no to settling, I did not let my life go before my eyes, it was not my routine, it was not my child, it was not my family. And so I don't know any better reason than that.

settle. that's what I've always done. looking back it's so much easier to see than when you're in the middle of it. relationships, I've more or less always settled in relationships thinking that I could never do better or that I could fix them, or that they weren't so bad. Really? What were the gains for me in those relationships? Where were the partnerships, the benefits, the pros instead of the cons...what was I getting out of the relationships. time, money, tears, exhaustion from chasing people who were chasing someone else.

Routines. We are all creatures of habit and routines, I myself would much rather a routine than be "surprised" all the time. I'm too anal and organized to not love my routines. Key word here being "my" routines. In relationships it is so easy to get caught up in someone elses routines, someone elses wants and wishes that we so often forget about ours until its too late, we've since broken up and gone our separate ways...but why can't we both have our routines, our lives and be together. Until now I have not yet known the feeling..routines, you have yours, I am finding mine, and we have our routines together....my money is mine, and yours is yours...that alone is a very big deal. When you buy me a gift, knowing that it is your money and not the money from your allowance you said you never got enough, yet when asked to take over some bills, oh no, you're doing fine, I trust you. Well then if we don't have it, we don't have it. Knowing that I don't have to always pay for things...being treated without my own money, cause really who should I have thanked, you or me for taking me out to dinner if it was our money. Money. It's evil. There is absolutely nothing good about money, if you don't have it, you want it and need it, and when you do have it, you want more of it and you end up wasting half of it on god only knows what. The day I can get back on my feet and pay back my parents, I will be so grateful for, the road seems so long, starting over at square one again. But so grateful now for the people in my life that can and are willing to help me because they love me.

Thank you for treating me, thank you for taking care of me. I hate the loss of control I have sometimes, not being the sole provider and care taker, but on the same hand, am learning to be ok with it. Why don't I deserve someone who can take care of me...and not just with the money, but who will cook dinner without being asked, who will clean, who will go to the store and not fuss, who will tuck me back in to bed after they have convinced me to call in sick because even though I could try and make it, they know I work so hard and could use the day to get back to feeling 100%. Thank you for taking care of me. settling.. I am not.



people pleaser-- it's time to stop worrying about what other people think.

"one day you wake up and think to yourself: "wait a second! this is MY life."
and from that moment on, you begin the journey of loving your own ideas, your own instincts, and your own decisions. and in case you were worried... somehow, miraculously, you still end up nurturing, adoring, and taking care of the people you love. and you still want them to be happy... but you do it effortlessly, and without resentment. you do it because you want to."

gay marriage

"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment."

gays and lesbians have been around just as long as the human race. rules...rules were meant to be broken? who made such silly rules in the first place? obviously the majority of the people, we actually have a say unlike most places in the world, for which we are fortunate to live in such a democracy, but like everything else, we must take the good with the bad. I'm not one for politics nor do I wrap myself up in them...it's not a case of ignorance is bliss by any means, if something major is happening, I'm tuned in, if not well then I'm busy making grand life plans and trying to find some happiness in this crazy world in which we live in. Who wants to watch the news anyways when all it is...bad. highlights of gun shots, death, robbery, anti-gays, anti-blacks, anti-somebody. Now wonder why it's easier to focus so much on the bad, and hardly remember or appreciate the good times. We do it as a society.

The following blurbs are from articles I read on the web today about the Prop 8 in california. good for you! good for the nation! when there is peace in our hearts, we can only hope there will be more peace in the world...open your minds, think with your hearts, not your eyes.



“Moral disapproval alone is an improper basis upon which to deny rights to gay men and lesbians.”

"Ok I need to have someone on the right please tell me how gay marriage affects your life. When you get up in the morning knowing that gay men and woman are allowed to marry how that personally affect you. Does it change the way you conduct yourself? Does it change the way you treat your family? Does it change the way you do your job? Does it change your sexual orientation? What is it about this that is so harmful to you? I am just trying to understand why so much energy is expended trying to change what others are. Do you even know why you feel this way? "

"Let’s see heterosexual marriage what do we have, Divorce at an all time high, Child abuse, Spousal abuse, Child neglect, violence with the home. That’s the way to go. Hopefully gay men and woman can bring back some dignity to marriage. They couldn’t make it any worse. And yes I know there are a lot of happy marriages and good quality home environments. My problem is when heterosexual marriage is touted as the most stable and moral institution on the planet. There’s a lot of dysfunction within these marriages, not always the happy place you think it is. Not saying the gay community doesn’t experience some of the same issue just pointing out we’re not perfect. I will say this it’s been my experience that gay couples make great parents and they raise great kids. That’s more then I can say for some of the traditional couples I have known."

"We have much bigger problems nationally than whether or not a man can marry another man."

"Our hearts are not for each other to judge"

"People will love who they love, no matter what"