first loves. I've had many "first" loves. they were all different in their own way.
but you, you are my most favorite first love. from forever and forever ago. and it breaks my heart that we don't talk anymore. you're married now, have a child, and a life of your own. but even though we don't talk anymore, I mean we do talk, just not as much as we used to, and we haven't seen each other in years, because although you want nothing but the best for me, and for me to be happy, you turned on me just like the others when I started dating her. so that put some time between us. That aside, you are my most favorite first love. you were and still are my childhood. you are in all the years that I sometimes can't remember the exact details to, from the past, but you..you represent my childhood, and I don't ever want to forget the details that surround you. No one will ever truly understand what you and I had, I'm not sure we will even ever understand, but now, maybe now we understand what we had the best, because no matter what, no matter how much time passes, no matter how little words are exchanged, you still know and I know that we would do anything for each other. you were the one who changed me forever, in more ways than we both could imagine. remember that time I drove you to work and we said if we weren't married by such and such time then I guess we'll get married. but then you had to go and get married. That's the thing with us, our timing never never ever ever ever matched up....all those years...all our years together. We had the best and worst relationship non-dating relationship I have ever had with anyone else. I played many roles in your life as you did in mine, but would I change it, do I regret it, would I relive it all over....in a heart beat! I was just talking to a friend of mine the other night...about love and relationships and whatnot...we all have that one person, that one person that we may compare others to, we may long for over and over, or that one person we would do anything for because they have touched our hearts and lives in such a way no one else has nor ever could, and you, you are that one person for me.
Then there's you...you were the one I thought I was going to marry. you were the taboo person of my dreams. the chocolate to my vanilla. haahaha. the forbidden one...but somehow you were in to me, and I of course was in to you too. maybe a little too much, since you were still so much in contact with your ex as I found out down the road. but not only that, but maybe too because of the way you treated me sometimes, I thought you were joking, but looking back on it, I'm not so sure. and as I surely know now, peoples words can be a lot more hurtful and impacting on one's life than any physical harm. So thanks for making me so self friggin conscience at times, when deep down I know I am a good person, no matter how my butt shakes when I walk, or the size clothes I may or may not wear... and you just took it too far sometimes. However, man did I love you. I loved the thought of you for sure. I can't exactly pinpoint what it was...but man did I love you so too much. you were the one I dreamt of marrying and starting a family with. You swept me off my feet for a little while there, but I was naive. My better judgement was clouded by the longing to be with someone, to be with you, you cared for me, you showed me love most of the time, and you gave me that glimpse of what it would be like to live with someone you love, to start a life together.
And you...you came out of no where. you came into my life when I was surely least expecting to find anything. I moved to Maine after having lived back around home after graduation from UMF, but it had been three years or so and I needed a change...a change of scenery or something. So I answered a girl's craigslist ad in search of a roommate, went up with my dog Russell to meet her and shortly after packed up the lake cottage I was living in, and moved up to Westbrook Maine. You...you came out of no where. after searching for a job, and at my orientation, I waited for you in the parking lot, after having talked to you in the second half of our orientation. I'm not sure what it was about you, your smile, the way you carried yourself, or the fact that I found maybe the only black person in Maine, ok you are only half black, but it's still a rare find in Maine. ha. Less than two weeks of living in Maine, searching for some change in scenery or whatnot, you found me, sitting in the job orientation. We hung out instantly and found we had much more in common than we both thought. one thing led to the next, and we moved back to mass where we were both from, starting a life together. And finally at age 25, you showed me what it was like to really be loved, adored and admired, and no words can ever thank you for those feelings you gave me. But more so, thank you for the feeling and moments every little girl grows up wishing to feel and experience. The proposal on the beach, the scavenger hunt and every little detail you put into it was absolutely perfect. perfect. I am only sorry that our timing was not. My feelings for you were more than real, they were scary real. I wanted a family, a wedding, a marriage, everything with you more than ever, but something just wasn't right. and since years have passed and we have started talking, you and I both know that it was probably the best thing for the both of us in the long run. I am happy, more than happy, we are able to talk as friends and still be in each other's life even if we haven't seen each other since the parking lot of the storage place my dad and I followed you to with the rest of your things, I'll remember that day just as clearly as the proposal and all the other great times we had. The final kisses I gave you even though we fought like wild animals just days before. you will always be my one of my favorite first loves. You gave me more than any girl could ask for, it was just not our time. and it truly takes a man to let someone go, someone go see about her life and figure her life and feelings out. we know that now, after time healed, and pain went away, and I will always admire your strength. You always will hold a special place in my heart, and know that I will always think of you on that day, our day.
Lastly, there is you...you messed up my heart in more ways than I thought possible. you lied over and over to my face, we were inseparable for 2 and a half years, and you know I would have done anything for you. You hurt me more than I thought I could ever be hurt again, but it wasn't all your fault. It was mine for letting it go on, for letting what I thought was this great relationship continue, even though I had known the truth all along. I just couldn't let you go. I fought for you 'til the end, and maybe that's what pushed you away, away towards her, but whatever it was, I surely miss the way things were when they were good, or when I thought they were good. You brought out a side of me, something that had to be set free in me, in my adult life thus far, my feelings for you, putting my heart on the line for you, for us, putting my life on the line, putting all of me out there, telling you how I felt. breaking your walls down. and if anything, if there is nothing I am more proud of, of our relationship and time spent together, it is that I helped you in ways no one else could, helped you come out, helped you free yourself of years and years, and I will always remember part of that email you wrote to me saying thank you for that, and for loving me. Because despite of all that happened between us, the bad and the ugly, I will never forget how loved you made me feel, how loved I felt with you, and how I have never been one for public displays of affection, but with you it was different. For once, I didn't care who was looking our way, I wanted you, all of you, no matter where we were. So I thank you for that, for those feelings and times of sincere love and support you gave me, you helped me to start taking care of me, of myself, and I have continued to do so. Being with you, loving you out loud, and in front of the world, made me realize things about my childhood, my past and my present that I had been hiding or just brushing aside. Part of you, part of me being with you, made me whole. My past and present seemed to make sense, everything seemed a little more clearer, in my actions from childhood sleepovers, my college friends thinking I was gay, and all the other feelings and things I had going on.
This is me, and I have to take me or leave me. I love myself a whole lot more, I accept myself a whole lot more. It's because of all my first loves. Life is funny sometimes, and it doesn't always work out the way we planned, nothing planned ever works, but I am more accepting of that now. I am more tolerable of that now. Sure, my heart is a little less full or put together, because it has broken in so many different ways from each of you above, but as tender as it is, it is tough. Because what else is there besides love. We all want it even though most of us may be in denial, we all think about it for sure, we all long for someone to call our own, someone to make the nights seem a little less lonely and the laughs and good times a little more funny and memorable. So someday, when I am not looking for it, again, I will find it. That I am sure of. As for the man or woman of my dreams, that's up to a higher being than myself.
but you, you are my most favorite first love. from forever and forever ago. and it breaks my heart that we don't talk anymore. you're married now, have a child, and a life of your own. but even though we don't talk anymore, I mean we do talk, just not as much as we used to, and we haven't seen each other in years, because although you want nothing but the best for me, and for me to be happy, you turned on me just like the others when I started dating her. so that put some time between us. That aside, you are my most favorite first love. you were and still are my childhood. you are in all the years that I sometimes can't remember the exact details to, from the past, but you..you represent my childhood, and I don't ever want to forget the details that surround you. No one will ever truly understand what you and I had, I'm not sure we will even ever understand, but now, maybe now we understand what we had the best, because no matter what, no matter how much time passes, no matter how little words are exchanged, you still know and I know that we would do anything for each other. you were the one who changed me forever, in more ways than we both could imagine. remember that time I drove you to work and we said if we weren't married by such and such time then I guess we'll get married. but then you had to go and get married. That's the thing with us, our timing never never ever ever ever matched up....all those years...all our years together. We had the best and worst relationship non-dating relationship I have ever had with anyone else. I played many roles in your life as you did in mine, but would I change it, do I regret it, would I relive it all over....in a heart beat! I was just talking to a friend of mine the other night...about love and relationships and whatnot...we all have that one person, that one person that we may compare others to, we may long for over and over, or that one person we would do anything for because they have touched our hearts and lives in such a way no one else has nor ever could, and you, you are that one person for me.
Then there's you...you were the one I thought I was going to marry. you were the taboo person of my dreams. the chocolate to my vanilla. haahaha. the forbidden one...but somehow you were in to me, and I of course was in to you too. maybe a little too much, since you were still so much in contact with your ex as I found out down the road. but not only that, but maybe too because of the way you treated me sometimes, I thought you were joking, but looking back on it, I'm not so sure. and as I surely know now, peoples words can be a lot more hurtful and impacting on one's life than any physical harm. So thanks for making me so self friggin conscience at times, when deep down I know I am a good person, no matter how my butt shakes when I walk, or the size clothes I may or may not wear... and you just took it too far sometimes. However, man did I love you. I loved the thought of you for sure. I can't exactly pinpoint what it was...but man did I love you so too much. you were the one I dreamt of marrying and starting a family with. You swept me off my feet for a little while there, but I was naive. My better judgement was clouded by the longing to be with someone, to be with you, you cared for me, you showed me love most of the time, and you gave me that glimpse of what it would be like to live with someone you love, to start a life together.
And you...you came out of no where. you came into my life when I was surely least expecting to find anything. I moved to Maine after having lived back around home after graduation from UMF, but it had been three years or so and I needed a change...a change of scenery or something. So I answered a girl's craigslist ad in search of a roommate, went up with my dog Russell to meet her and shortly after packed up the lake cottage I was living in, and moved up to Westbrook Maine. You...you came out of no where. after searching for a job, and at my orientation, I waited for you in the parking lot, after having talked to you in the second half of our orientation. I'm not sure what it was about you, your smile, the way you carried yourself, or the fact that I found maybe the only black person in Maine, ok you are only half black, but it's still a rare find in Maine. ha. Less than two weeks of living in Maine, searching for some change in scenery or whatnot, you found me, sitting in the job orientation. We hung out instantly and found we had much more in common than we both thought. one thing led to the next, and we moved back to mass where we were both from, starting a life together. And finally at age 25, you showed me what it was like to really be loved, adored and admired, and no words can ever thank you for those feelings you gave me. But more so, thank you for the feeling and moments every little girl grows up wishing to feel and experience. The proposal on the beach, the scavenger hunt and every little detail you put into it was absolutely perfect. perfect. I am only sorry that our timing was not. My feelings for you were more than real, they were scary real. I wanted a family, a wedding, a marriage, everything with you more than ever, but something just wasn't right. and since years have passed and we have started talking, you and I both know that it was probably the best thing for the both of us in the long run. I am happy, more than happy, we are able to talk as friends and still be in each other's life even if we haven't seen each other since the parking lot of the storage place my dad and I followed you to with the rest of your things, I'll remember that day just as clearly as the proposal and all the other great times we had. The final kisses I gave you even though we fought like wild animals just days before. you will always be my one of my favorite first loves. You gave me more than any girl could ask for, it was just not our time. and it truly takes a man to let someone go, someone go see about her life and figure her life and feelings out. we know that now, after time healed, and pain went away, and I will always admire your strength. You always will hold a special place in my heart, and know that I will always think of you on that day, our day.
Lastly, there is you...you messed up my heart in more ways than I thought possible. you lied over and over to my face, we were inseparable for 2 and a half years, and you know I would have done anything for you. You hurt me more than I thought I could ever be hurt again, but it wasn't all your fault. It was mine for letting it go on, for letting what I thought was this great relationship continue, even though I had known the truth all along. I just couldn't let you go. I fought for you 'til the end, and maybe that's what pushed you away, away towards her, but whatever it was, I surely miss the way things were when they were good, or when I thought they were good. You brought out a side of me, something that had to be set free in me, in my adult life thus far, my feelings for you, putting my heart on the line for you, for us, putting my life on the line, putting all of me out there, telling you how I felt. breaking your walls down. and if anything, if there is nothing I am more proud of, of our relationship and time spent together, it is that I helped you in ways no one else could, helped you come out, helped you free yourself of years and years, and I will always remember part of that email you wrote to me saying thank you for that, and for loving me. Because despite of all that happened between us, the bad and the ugly, I will never forget how loved you made me feel, how loved I felt with you, and how I have never been one for public displays of affection, but with you it was different. For once, I didn't care who was looking our way, I wanted you, all of you, no matter where we were. So I thank you for that, for those feelings and times of sincere love and support you gave me, you helped me to start taking care of me, of myself, and I have continued to do so. Being with you, loving you out loud, and in front of the world, made me realize things about my childhood, my past and my present that I had been hiding or just brushing aside. Part of you, part of me being with you, made me whole. My past and present seemed to make sense, everything seemed a little more clearer, in my actions from childhood sleepovers, my college friends thinking I was gay, and all the other feelings and things I had going on.
This is me, and I have to take me or leave me. I love myself a whole lot more, I accept myself a whole lot more. It's because of all my first loves. Life is funny sometimes, and it doesn't always work out the way we planned, nothing planned ever works, but I am more accepting of that now. I am more tolerable of that now. Sure, my heart is a little less full or put together, because it has broken in so many different ways from each of you above, but as tender as it is, it is tough. Because what else is there besides love. We all want it even though most of us may be in denial, we all think about it for sure, we all long for someone to call our own, someone to make the nights seem a little less lonely and the laughs and good times a little more funny and memorable. So someday, when I am not looking for it, again, I will find it. That I am sure of. As for the man or woman of my dreams, that's up to a higher being than myself.
