Dear Younger Self

Dear younger self,

There is so much to tell you, I don't know where to begin. There are some things you just have to learn by doing and going through yourself, but if these words find you any comfort or hope then great. People are not always who you think they are, and life isn't always against you even though it may seem that way at times, more times than not. But head up young person, eyes forward, don't look back, it's a huge waste of time. You won't know who will be there for you 3 or 4 years from now, and that's ok, because when those people walk out, you will be surrounded by some pretty amazing people who are accepting, loving and authentic. They tell it how it is, just like yourself.

Don't waste your time or others by making things sound pretty, that well just aren't pretty. Be truthful, be honest, maybe not so sarcastic, but it's ok at times, because its your defense mechanism. Big word I know. But it will make sense after broken heart after broken heart, and after your losses, death and friendships. That defense mechanism is what is going to hold you together at times when you're just not able to cry anymore. Everyone has them, those silly defense mechanisms, that yes, will sometimes get in the way of potential life long friendships, but please know that with or without the sarcasm, you can't wonder what if? what if I was less straightforward? what if I hid my feelings? what if I wasn't so sarcastic? would I have more friends? would certain people still be in my life? what ifs....just get rid of those what ifs here and now, and it will cause a lot less hardships and maybe even save you a few less therapy sessions.

However you use your words, try and be more tactful at times, and always know that words can come back to haunt you. same goes for your friends' words though too. Own your words. Say sorry only if you mean it, don't tell someone you love them just because they tell you they love you. Own it. Mean it. Say it with your heart.

Stay positive, don't be so down on yourself! You are truly beautiful inside and out. Those annoying sayings...people come in different shapes and sizes...beauty is in the eye of the beholder...yada yada. Well it's true. And you are beautiful just the way you are so own that too! You have a lot more going for you than you think. And yes, there will be people who take advantage of that, but please don't let them. Be kind to yourself and your body. Save it for those who truly deserve it. There are many other ways to feel good about yourself.

On more positive notes, keep dancing. even if it is only in your dorm room, or kitchen of your small apartment. Dance like nobodys watching. Sing in the shower. Wake up with a smile on your face knowing that you are a strong beautiful person. The people you met and will meet, treat them fair, treat them kind. Appreciate the short time you have with them. Friends and Family. Love whole-heartedly, with all that you have everyday to those who surround you and reciprocate the same love and feelings. I know its hard to trust people, and tell the difference between those who are sincere and those who are not. But you will find a way, you always do, and when you know, don't be mad when they walk out on you. Don't regret the time you had with each and everyone of them, for they contributed to the person you will be, whether it was in their presence or in their absence. You are strong, don't ever let anyone tell you different. And believe it. Believe in yourself and trust yourself, it helps when you are learning to trust others and give your love to others when you have more love and trust for yourself.

Lastly, fairytales only happen in movies. People are not perfect, love is not perfect, it truly is whether or not you are perfect for eachother. When you meet that person, don't rush it. It will happen, it will come, it will be. To love yourself so much that you can love another person no matter what their faults, petpeeves, etc.. are, to love them for better or worse, it will come, it will happen. Love happens when you are not looking for it, so just stop looking! Head up young person, your time will come and it may not be all that you dreamed when you were even younger than you are now, but it will be amazing. It will be more than all of that. Remember people aren't always who you think they are, and your dreams, well they may change too. All is well if you take it and run with it, think with your heart, love with all that you have, and know that this is still what you always wanted... to be happy. to love and be loved.

With Love,
Older Self

to write is to be strong.

So a good friend of mine at work suggested I look into this online scrapbooking/writing prompt class and just for 15 dollars, you will receive a writing prompt daily monday-friday for 3 weeks.... so I did. I have yet to write anything as I just signed up yesterday, but so far I have 4 prompts....to be used at my own time. 15 writing ideas at my disposal...I'm looking forward to it. So stay tuned for more lovely thoughts and blogs from me. :)

"Fate controls who walks into your life. You decide who you let walk out, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go."



"There is special poetry in the subconscious that is allowed to spill out when our daytime guard is down"-Peter Reynolds

10.21.82

My day of birth. my birth day.

"When did you go into labor?"

"yesterday, the 19th!"

"ha, you were in labor for 3 days!!??"

"yeah, I guess you didn't want to come out, why would ya, you had it made in there"

"yeah, I guess not, I had to think about it, who would blame me, now wonder why I cant stand people... haha"

Happy 28th Birthday....oh the places I have been and the people I have met in this short time.

Im sick. been sick for a few days now, and not until tonight when smelling my birthday cake and licking the frosting off the beaters, did it begin to feel like my birthday!! and I'm thankful for that!! I once saw an episode of Charmed, never did I watch the show,but for whatever reason on that day, I saw an episode when there was this guy who was talking to one of the main characters saying it's his birthday soon but he didn't feel like celebrating, and she said you should always celebrate your birthday, because you never know when it will be your last. So it seems a little negative, but I took the positive out of it, and have since spread those words to others who don't always look forward to their birthdays for whatever reason, whether it being someone they loved died on or around their birthday, they're turning "older"....but for whatever the reason, we should always celebrate our birthday, for it was the day we were born. corny I know. but it's our holiday. ours and only ours. our cake. our candles. our traditions. our celebration of US.

I've had a lot of similar birthdays, year to year, but this one, this one is different. People I used to know are getting married or married, having kids, or have had kids...I may not be any of these, and yes, I could have been. But I'm not. and I'm happy.

another chapter closed, another year behind me, "friends" lost, lives changed. mine, for the better. I can appreciate where I have been, what I have been through, and who I used to know. I can appreciate that I am no longer surrounded by those who I thought I knew, caring and loving myself and the decisions I have made. I have my dog, my family, my health, my friends. So bring it on 28 and whatever you may have in store for me, because I have am one strong person, stronger than I could have imagined.

so cheers to me, and to the things and people I love. and call me crazy if I still love celebrating my birthday, need my cake chocolate, and my frosting buttercream, and to blow out candles on 8:19pm. :)

autumn bliss

the view outside my bedroom window...and for moments throughout the day when we look out the window at the pretty leaves changing color, the wind blowing, the sun shining....we forget all the hate and negativity in the world....another lovely fall weekend. ♥

wearing a light jacket with sandals...
windows open, cuddling with a blanket...baking cookies, my birthday, perfect walking weather for me and russy...yard sales, hot chocolate, sunday afternoons with sweatpants and scrapbooks...getting ready for the holidays...yankee candle scents...

"Today is your big moment. Moments, really. The life you’ve been waiting for is happening all around you. The scene unfolding right outside your window is worth more than the most beautiful painting, and the crackers and peanut butter that you’re having for lunch on the coffee table are as profound, in their own way, as the Last Supper. This is it. T his is life in all its glory, swirling and unfolding around us, disguised as pedantic, pedestrian non-events. But pull off the mask and you will find your life, waiting to be made, chosen, woven, crafted"

violence. survivors. hope.

pain. we all have pain in our lives. different kinds, different reasons, brought on by others or ourselves, on purpose, or accident, wrong place at the wrong time... whatever and wherever the pain came from... it shares one in the same... its negative.

domestic violence. sexual assault. learned helplessness. I hate the term learned helplessness, it just seems well, so negative...

yeah, sometimes its all they know, its all they have ever lived. but that's where you and I come in. Some of my best learning in college was during my sexual assault training through S.A.V.E.S when I decided to become a hot line advocate for the organization. It was separate from college and my courses on campus. I actually don't remember how or when I decided to sign up and join, nor did I know that it would change my life, leaving imprints on my heart to help people in different ways now.

Listening. the hardest thing to do. Listening without talking. even harder. I was trained for it. sure, still a work in progress until I was actually given the opportunity to apply my skills. Listening? how hard can it be? Harder than you think. And rewarding? absolutely. It was amazing to me that something so negative, so hurtful could be so rewarding to be a part of. To witness, to hear the change from victim to survivor, to hear the positivity and hope in their voices after such tragedy, such pain... to hear their thank yous, when you wonder to yourself what did I do? All I did was listen. I listened!! I listened when no one else would or had.

My time at SAVES ended when I graduated and moved back home, but shortly after I looked into working some months at a domestic violence shelter and later on at the rapecrisiscenter.org as a hot line advocate, going through more months of training on Massachusetts laws and such. I'll never forget one of the conversations at the domestic violence shelter.

Though my time was short there, it forever changed my outlook on people who are victims/survivors of learned helplessness. Sitting in the office, across from me, a female maybe just a year or two older than myself, with one child to care for, in a relationship for years with this man who she said was about 6 feet tall, and 250-300 pounds. mind you, the female survivor sitting across from me was oh about my height of 5 feet and probably around 115 pounds. She told me some stories, but particularly this one time, the last time, her last straw. He had beaten her so many times, with his fist, different household accessories, pushed her when she was pregnant, but this time, this time was her last. He actually took his shoe off and beat her with it, cut open her lip, she will forever have the scar... the scars on the outside as well as the inside. constant reminders. but to her and to the other strong women that were in the shelter, to her the scars will remind them that they are alive, that they took care of themselves when no one else was around. The word shelter is funny...if you think of it, they were living in a shelter and feeling more free and safe than ever, shelter, they had been sheltered in those relationships.

so why, why does it take so long for them to leave? Sometimes it's not because they don't know any better or this is all they know. sometimes, to stay means to be alive, and to leave, leaving alive, that doesn't always look promising. I looked at her with my undivided attention, smiling and crying for her, and for me, wondering if I'd have the strength and courage she did.

That's the problem with us outsiders. We don't use words like strength and courage as common as we should when talking about survivors of abuse. We focus on the negativity and make accusations as to why they may have been in an abusive relationship? why didn't they just walk away? why would they want to stay with that person? They don't. They are trying. and They don't. Abuse happens everywhere and to anyone, male, female, gay, lesbian, handicapped, rich, famous.,,,physically and/or emotionally.

I miss the work I did (and am looking locally to joining yet another similar organization), the learning, the positiveness that came with the trainings and the people who work at these places. It takes special people to do this kind of work... another saying I can't stand. ha. We're all special. We're all capable of good things. We just need to take the time to listen to others. listen to the world around us. domestic violence month is October, child abuse month is april, breast cancer awareness month is october, aids awareness month is december...etc.... everything has a month, but why only one?

**this post is dedicated to those who survived, those who are surviving and those who didn't survive.
they are our loved ones, our daughters, our sons, our brothers, sisters, cousins, aunts, mothers, friends, coworkers, peers**

I got flowers today.
It wasn't my birthday or any other special day.
We had our first argument last night,
And he said a lot of cruel things that really hurt me.
I know he is sorry and didn't mean the things he said.
Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today.
It wasn't our anniversary or any other special day.
Last night, he threw me into a wall and started to choke me.
It seemed like a nightmare.
I couldn't believe it was real.
I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over.
I know he must be sorry.
Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today,
And it wasn't Mother's Day or any other special day.
Last night, he beat me up again.
And it was much worse than all the other times.
If I leave him, what will I do?
How will I take care of my kids?
What about money?
I'm afraid of him and scared to leave.
But I know he must be sorry.
Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today.
Today was a very special day.
It was the day of my funeral.
Last night, he finally killed me.
He beat me to death.
If only I had gathered enough courage
and strength to leave him,
I would not have gotten flowers...today
-P.Kelly-

thoughts of happiness on this rainy tuesday morning...

happiness is...

dogs faces as they hang out the car windows catching all the smells

elder couples holding hands while walking down the street

seeing out of state license plates in massachusetts, wondering hmm. what are they doing and where are they going...

making faux flower arrangements to brighten up the kitchen counter for when we do dishes

russell's morning belly rubs he always wants followed by his little yawns

waking up despite how dark it is outside still and feeling good about myself and the decisions I have made...

What tickles your fancy on this dreary tuesday morning? would love to hear about it...enjoy your day. make someone smile today.

til death do you part?

"1. The whole gym and eating right thing, not a myth. It works.

2. It's okay to be self indulgent; sometimes.

3. The only thing you can control is yourself; your next move, your attitude.

4. You are stronger than you even know.

5. Real love is worth the wait."

loving someone fully and wholly means loving them exactly as they are today. you can't change someone because you wouldn't want someone to change you - right?

dancing (no matter what you look like) will almost always make you feel better.

Today was the day. It was my wedding day. It was the day that every girl, almost every girl dreams of having, walking down the aisle with her daddy, feeling the most beautiful she's ever felt. Love. It makes you do crazy things, it takes your breath away, it makes your heart beat faster, but it also can be blinding. Wrapped up in everyone elses lives, making sure everyone is taken care of because afterall you love them so much so it seems effortless to take care of them....that is until it becomes overwhelming. I was so consumed by the idea of a marriage, a family, a wedding...I wanted it, I still want it, but it was not the right time nor the right person.

Today was not my wedding day. My choice. My decision. not the easiest one I've ever made, but Today was the day I was grateful for making that decision. I may not have been wearing a white gown, but I still looked beautiful. Today was the day I had been dreading. I woke up today, not knowing how I should feel. So wierd? Not knowing how one should feel? sounds silly, but as happy as I am, the happiest I have ever been in my adult post college life, it was still a day I had never quite experienced before. No matter how happy I am now, so happy today, you know me, it was still a day I couldn't help but reflect on. The last of the days to say goodbye....not with words, not to anyone, not to anyone but me, this was my goodbye, my closure, to the day and what it would have been. The last straw, the last date I don't ever want to remember.

I'm tired of remembering dates and days and people that don't matter, and those dates of lost loved ones, dates and times filled with hurt and sadness. I want more happiness, I want more of this, more of these past 9 months or so... more smiles, more laughter, more good family times, more memories...Today I looked beautiful. I smiled, I laughed, I ate some great food, had some great wine, and even danced a little bit!!

So some seafood, icecream, kabobs and wine later, mixed with laughter, music, dancing and brief tears of happiness, of my strength... I survived this day. Thank you for supporting me, loving me, and accepting me just the way I am, however one may describe me these days.... :)

wet leaves. hello october.

"wet leaves are slipperier than ice" she always says this time of year... her dad said it when they would drive together in the car this time of year. The first leaves falling, the first rainy morning, I will forever think of the saying. We laugh when we beat each other to say it before the other one. This year, I said it first. It's that time of year again. fasten your seatbelts, be more cautious of falling leaves, snow and ice on the roads. But isn't the foliage beautiful?? The yellows, reds and oranges. There was nothing like those long rides to Farmington, going back to college in septembers, commenting year after year on the foliage. and smiling.

This time of year always makes me remember those car rides, can't remember exactly what we talked about, but even the years you didn't drive up with me, I still remember smiling when passing by the random houses on route 4 surrounded by the prettiest colored leaves..... It's like the songs that remind me of you when you're not with me, and the way I say things because of you. oh Farmington, how sometimes I miss you and the memories, giffords icecream, all my cows, the lovely hotel visits from the family, parties, soccer games, psych classes, golden girls at 2 in the morning, bandanas, surprise parties, friends just a door away...

The leaves are changing, the holidays are coming, the days are shorter and colder, yet my heart is filled with so much warmth and love to keep me grounded and thankful for another holiday season, not quite like the last one or the years before. Each year changing ever so slightly.....so bring on 28 years old... I'm ready to breeathe, ready to keep going, ready to forget...with more confidence and more self-worth in my heart.