violence. survivors. hope.

pain. we all have pain in our lives. different kinds, different reasons, brought on by others or ourselves, on purpose, or accident, wrong place at the wrong time... whatever and wherever the pain came from... it shares one in the same... its negative.

domestic violence. sexual assault. learned helplessness. I hate the term learned helplessness, it just seems well, so negative...

yeah, sometimes its all they know, its all they have ever lived. but that's where you and I come in. Some of my best learning in college was during my sexual assault training through S.A.V.E.S when I decided to become a hot line advocate for the organization. It was separate from college and my courses on campus. I actually don't remember how or when I decided to sign up and join, nor did I know that it would change my life, leaving imprints on my heart to help people in different ways now.

Listening. the hardest thing to do. Listening without talking. even harder. I was trained for it. sure, still a work in progress until I was actually given the opportunity to apply my skills. Listening? how hard can it be? Harder than you think. And rewarding? absolutely. It was amazing to me that something so negative, so hurtful could be so rewarding to be a part of. To witness, to hear the change from victim to survivor, to hear the positivity and hope in their voices after such tragedy, such pain... to hear their thank yous, when you wonder to yourself what did I do? All I did was listen. I listened!! I listened when no one else would or had.

My time at SAVES ended when I graduated and moved back home, but shortly after I looked into working some months at a domestic violence shelter and later on at the rapecrisiscenter.org as a hot line advocate, going through more months of training on Massachusetts laws and such. I'll never forget one of the conversations at the domestic violence shelter.

Though my time was short there, it forever changed my outlook on people who are victims/survivors of learned helplessness. Sitting in the office, across from me, a female maybe just a year or two older than myself, with one child to care for, in a relationship for years with this man who she said was about 6 feet tall, and 250-300 pounds. mind you, the female survivor sitting across from me was oh about my height of 5 feet and probably around 115 pounds. She told me some stories, but particularly this one time, the last time, her last straw. He had beaten her so many times, with his fist, different household accessories, pushed her when she was pregnant, but this time, this time was her last. He actually took his shoe off and beat her with it, cut open her lip, she will forever have the scar... the scars on the outside as well as the inside. constant reminders. but to her and to the other strong women that were in the shelter, to her the scars will remind them that they are alive, that they took care of themselves when no one else was around. The word shelter is funny...if you think of it, they were living in a shelter and feeling more free and safe than ever, shelter, they had been sheltered in those relationships.

so why, why does it take so long for them to leave? Sometimes it's not because they don't know any better or this is all they know. sometimes, to stay means to be alive, and to leave, leaving alive, that doesn't always look promising. I looked at her with my undivided attention, smiling and crying for her, and for me, wondering if I'd have the strength and courage she did.

That's the problem with us outsiders. We don't use words like strength and courage as common as we should when talking about survivors of abuse. We focus on the negativity and make accusations as to why they may have been in an abusive relationship? why didn't they just walk away? why would they want to stay with that person? They don't. They are trying. and They don't. Abuse happens everywhere and to anyone, male, female, gay, lesbian, handicapped, rich, famous.,,,physically and/or emotionally.

I miss the work I did (and am looking locally to joining yet another similar organization), the learning, the positiveness that came with the trainings and the people who work at these places. It takes special people to do this kind of work... another saying I can't stand. ha. We're all special. We're all capable of good things. We just need to take the time to listen to others. listen to the world around us. domestic violence month is October, child abuse month is april, breast cancer awareness month is october, aids awareness month is december...etc.... everything has a month, but why only one?

**this post is dedicated to those who survived, those who are surviving and those who didn't survive.
they are our loved ones, our daughters, our sons, our brothers, sisters, cousins, aunts, mothers, friends, coworkers, peers**

I got flowers today.
It wasn't my birthday or any other special day.
We had our first argument last night,
And he said a lot of cruel things that really hurt me.
I know he is sorry and didn't mean the things he said.
Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today.
It wasn't our anniversary or any other special day.
Last night, he threw me into a wall and started to choke me.
It seemed like a nightmare.
I couldn't believe it was real.
I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over.
I know he must be sorry.
Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today,
And it wasn't Mother's Day or any other special day.
Last night, he beat me up again.
And it was much worse than all the other times.
If I leave him, what will I do?
How will I take care of my kids?
What about money?
I'm afraid of him and scared to leave.
But I know he must be sorry.
Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today.
Today was a very special day.
It was the day of my funeral.
Last night, he finally killed me.
He beat me to death.
If only I had gathered enough courage
and strength to leave him,
I would not have gotten flowers...today
-P.Kelly-