4.29.2014

not your rock bottom, but MY rock bottom

It has been 122 days since I last drank a drop of alcohol….ok maybe more than a drop, so yeah,…four months sober today, alcohol free. That's 2,928 hours…175,680 minutes… ok you get the idea?! Four months, to some may not seem like a long time, to others it is a very long time. Going without something you have had whenever you wanted or in my recent year and a half or so, whenever you gathered with friends.

Last week's meeting, many spoke about change. No one likes change, they all stated it, and even so if they didn't, it's just kind of one of those things that goes without saying. Who likes changing their ever so comfortable routine, and especially a big change, who wants to do that? Everyone's rock bottom is different, that is definitely something I have learned/heard at these meetings. Everyone's rock bottom is different!! And that is important for me to understand and be reminded of.

Looking back at my drinking this past year and a half or so, when I was so broken and torn from different previous relationships, so broken about having to move back into my parents house after seven years of being out on my own, so broken about never ever finding someone to share my life with…yes, I probably (still have a hard time admitting it but that's ok, because I am getting there) hit MY rock bottom, not yours, not anyone else's, but mine. The things I have done, I sure as hell am not proud of. Do I remember the nights? Did I have fun in those moments? You bet I did, but the consequences of my actions could have been very dangerous or even fatal. Was it safe to drive all those times, not once, not twice, but multiple times, driving buzzed and even more than buzzed drinking and driving? Definitely was not! Driving buzzed is still drunk driving. And for whatever reason, my rock bottom never included being pulled over, or even scared by the thought of being pulled over (something I was fearful of in earlier years, just fearing cops in general or getting in trouble) apparently all went out the window drink by drink. So now I thank whoever was watching over me all those times, be grateful that my rock bottoms were not public knowledge, to some extent they were though. Friends hanging on to me as I struggle home, only to not remember passing by a cop car or whatever else on the way back. You get the point, they were not all happy drinking hanging out with friends times. Why couldn't I just have one or two and be satisfied with that. Instead, it was ok why not one more, or another one…but those snuck up on ya by the end of the night, and by then it's too late. The next morning, "maybe I shouldn't have had that many," but rather my thoughts were "glad I made it home."

Do I miss certain things about it? My first reaction answer may be a yes I do, I miss some of the good times and laughs with friends. Do I miss drinking? After smelling the wine bottles we are cleaning for centerpieces, maybe a little, but why, I wasn't even a big wine drinker, but it smelled good and fruity.

Do I miss drinking and getting so gone that I pissed myself in my sleep I didn't even know it more than once? Do I miss drinking and getting in the car, focusing so hard and trying to keep my eyes open, chewing my gum and worrying about going the speed limit so I blend in and can just make it home? No. What was my problem, why didn't I think this was a terrible idea? I never got in trouble as a kid, such fear of being in trouble or doing something wrong, some may have called me a prude or neurotic, paranoid whatever. So who was this person, just getting in the car after drinks and drinks most weekends time and time again, and drinking to the point of being incoherent when I knew I didn't have to drive home but slouch over passed out in the passengers seat to be dropped home at my house or my mothers, to find the nearest couch or bed in my clothes to sleep for the remaining of the night. Who was this person?

Miss told me yesterday that she loves this Lianne. She loves me more and more every day. She says I am more confident. It's funny she says that, because I thought with alcohol and not a care in the world anymore I was the most confident. It was all just a coping mechanism that wasn't going to last forever.

So did I hit rock bottom? Maybe you don't think so, maybe you can't see it or understand it, but did I hit MY rock bottom? Most definitely.

Be smart. Be kind. Be mindful. Be respectful of yourself and others. Be responsible.

4.10.2014

a little patience and a lot of faith


There is so much truth in this quote. I remember being told this as early as middle school by so called friends. And I wouldn't really understand, and never really understood why I shouldn't say how I feel. This is me, that was me, so what if I said what was on my mind. I'm glad I never really listened to my so called friends, because it led me here. Say how you feel, always. No regrets, yes sure I have said some silly stuff or not so great stuff, but those were the choices I made and I tell her just about every week or so that she is my reason. It goes along with the quote above…"it always ends up just the way it should be." It sure does. 

Everything happens for a reason, and everything is worth it. The waiting, the hoping, the searching…all the stuff we go through to get to where we should be, to get to where we think we may never end up, it couldn't be more worth it when you finally get there. And I am here. I finally got here and it's so much better than I could have ever dreamt. 

We are planning a wedding, looking for house, paying my car off, doing things, saving money, changing my focus on to my family, our families, my sobriety, making better choices, looking forward to church sundays, and family dinners, and day trips with each other getting lost on the open road. These things some of which I have done before and some I have not, either way, they are all new. New experiences, new adventures, new me…more meaningful experiences, more fun adventures, a more meaningful me. 

I don't do small changes. Something I thought about today and yesterday. I do big things or nothing at all. I go all out or stay all in. Like when I got my eyebrow pierced, or went out and bought a dog…both with little thought but I very much knew I wanted both of these things so I did/got them. I have made other life changes that others may have not understood at the time, but looking back, no regrets, and am happier than ever. I have had some deja vu with all of these big changes again with my most recent big change of not drinking….deciding to be sober, quit drinking…however you word it, talk about it or label it, I have made another big change in my life that people may or may not approve or question it. I am being a more meaningful me, living my life in a different way than I have, yes, but a more meaningful me, doing things I have never even imagined I would in my lifetime. Looking for a house? Paying off my 34,000 dollar car loan? what what??? Holding the same job for the past five years? I am doing the most meaningful things I have ever done in my life and it feels great!! 

It's a transition. It's a change. It's something that will take time and patience. Will it all be worth it? Will I lose some people who were once close to me? Yes and Yes. But again, for the second time in my life, I am doing me, and that's not always easy. 

I never thought I would find a love like ours, ever. I never thought I'd see the day I am paying this car loan off….someday very soon I will be holding the title to the very first car I will own, and I never ever thought I would own a house someday…and all of this is because of you, because of US. I love you more than you can even imagine, but I hope someday, someday sooner than later, you know just how much I do love you, and am so grateful you showed up in my life again. 

You are my reason. I love you, I love us. 


4.01.2014

progress not perfection

Walked in to a church very much like the one we attend, white on the outside, the double doors, which were locked this evening as we were to enter the single side door that was labeled something or other fellowship hall. We took the first two seats to our left as we walked in the room full of unfamiliar faces. A silent tone as a reader was reading about the program welcoming statements, followed by the leader who read the reminders of the church hall and whatnot. The meeting began with welcoming everyone. "Hi my name is Jamie, I'm an alcoholic;" "Hi Jamie," "Hi my name is Will, I'm an alcoholic," "Hi Will," "Hi I am Lianne," "Welcome Lianne," "Hi I am Missy," "Welcome Missy"…and around the room we went. I wasn't quite sure what to think today, as all this hype, questioning and whatnot had been leading up to this very moment of me (and Miss) attending my first AA meeting. The why's, the questioning, the assumption that I am not an alcoholic so why go to the meetings…all led up to this very moment, not sure what I was thinking when I was sitting there and listening, but I was surely and truly listening to them all. Taking it all in, and sooner or later actually laughing and sighing with the rest of them, saying my "hi's" and "thank you's" with the rest of the group. Sooner or later, relating to some parts of their stories. Tonight's topic was how and when people first realized or accepted or both that they were alcoholics and/or addicts. It was a beginners meeting; however, not many at all were beginners. Some had been to these meetings 24 years now, since 1989, or 1992, or seven years or five years or their first day. All different kinds of people too. People who grew up with alcoholic grandparents, parents…some watched them die of the disease. In and out of these meetings people talked about their denial, their knowing they were an alcoholic but not ready to accept it. Alcoholics come in all different sizes, shapes, and appearances. There is no such certain look to an alcoholic, but many of them mentioned that was always what they had thought themselves: a person who was homeless, no job, drinking out of a paper bag and smelling of urine. However, there were just a few stories of people losing their jobs and living out of their cars or halfway houses and homeless shelters. Alcoholics look like me and you. I could relate to some parts of their stories, holding back my tears as Miss put her arm around me.

Alcoholics, lesbians, sex offenders, cancer survivors…whatever the title… look like you and me. 

A few things resonate with me that were said by the different people willing to tell parts of their stories tonight. "Trying to eat 5 or 6 pieces of bread to try and sober up before driving home," "it was only one DUI, I only got arrested once, those were pretty good odds since I drank a lot," "I would still be hungover the next morning and talking about going out tonight drinking to the bars," … but mostly this one that went something like this, Alcoholism isn't about drinking every waking hour, or even drinking every day for that matter, it's the way you feel afterwards, but still talk about getting smashed with friends, or not being able to wait til the work day is over and going to get hammered tonight or over the weekend, social drinkers don't talk like that, they can have one or two or maybe even three, they don't worry about finding a designated driver…" and he continued, but those stuck with me. It was the same guy who said those things earlier about trying to eat all this bread to sober up and drive home, thanking god maybe the next morning that you made it home alive. 

I've never smashed up cars, flipped over or even dented cars, never been arrested or lived in a half way house, lost family members or even relationships because of my drinking, but I do know that I'm lucky I have never wrapped my car around a telephone pole, hurt myself or anyone else when apparently eating those three or four slices of pizza did not sober me up enough to drive my friend and myself home. I do know that being addicted to whatever the thing is, alcoholism is in my family, it's in my blood. I saw a lot of my dad there, and wondered just how much shit he went through with his dad, an alcoholic, his mom who was in love with an alcoholic, and my dad himself drinking by a very early age which led to other stuff. As another guy said, "I didn't start drinking at age 10 and then was handed a trench coat and a paper bag of booze the next day, it's the progression that will kill you." 

I went because I wanted to go...unsure of the exact reasons but that's not important. Whatever the reason, whether it was to bring me closer to my dad and his addiction he conquered, to bring me closer to my mom and hear her stories of my dad and her going to AA meetings as dates, to bring me closer to my grandparents, to bring me closer to understanding addiction in all it's forms, to bring me closer to my brothers, and myself. Free therapy in addition to my regular therapy, but will I get more out of these meetings, quite possible at this point in my life. I am going on four months sobriety myself. Do I think I am an alcoholic? Do I think I had a problem with alcohol or an addiction? Did I make stupid possible life altering choices while drinking? An alcoholic, an addict…they are your neighbors, your bank tellers, your plumbers, your teachers, your grandparents, your parents, your friends, and maybe even yourself. 

I left the meeting with the same feeling but stronger as when I first entered if that makes any sense. It was yet another feeling I can not put into exact words. I reached for Miss' hand as we held each other walking back to the car, and I said "maybe we can do dinner with my mom on tuesdays so we can come to the meeting afterwards." And Miss stared back at me saying "sure we can." And that was that. I talked a little bit about it afterwards with my brother and mother as we picked Russell back up, and I knew I needed to blog before bed, or I wouldn't be able to fall asleep tonight. 

It has been a very emotional day…few weeks. Today I found out in the most painful crampy way ever, that my fallopian tubes are not scarred and/or damaged from past stupid decisions and that I am one step closer to being a mom, to having a family with Miss. Today I heard the words "you are worth it" from the most loving caring genuine respectful person I can not wait to call my wife. Today I went to my first AA meeting. Today was a really emotionally healing and fulfilling day in so many ways.