progress not perfection

Walked in to a church very much like the one we attend, white on the outside, the double doors, which were locked this evening as we were to enter the single side door that was labeled something or other fellowship hall. We took the first two seats to our left as we walked in the room full of unfamiliar faces. A silent tone as a reader was reading about the program welcoming statements, followed by the leader who read the reminders of the church hall and whatnot. The meeting began with welcoming everyone. "Hi my name is Jamie, I'm an alcoholic;" "Hi Jamie," "Hi my name is Will, I'm an alcoholic," "Hi Will," "Hi I am Lianne," "Welcome Lianne," "Hi I am Missy," "Welcome Missy"…and around the room we went. I wasn't quite sure what to think today, as all this hype, questioning and whatnot had been leading up to this very moment of me (and Miss) attending my first AA meeting. The why's, the questioning, the assumption that I am not an alcoholic so why go to the meetings…all led up to this very moment, not sure what I was thinking when I was sitting there and listening, but I was surely and truly listening to them all. Taking it all in, and sooner or later actually laughing and sighing with the rest of them, saying my "hi's" and "thank you's" with the rest of the group. Sooner or later, relating to some parts of their stories. Tonight's topic was how and when people first realized or accepted or both that they were alcoholics and/or addicts. It was a beginners meeting; however, not many at all were beginners. Some had been to these meetings 24 years now, since 1989, or 1992, or seven years or five years or their first day. All different kinds of people too. People who grew up with alcoholic grandparents, parents…some watched them die of the disease. In and out of these meetings people talked about their denial, their knowing they were an alcoholic but not ready to accept it. Alcoholics come in all different sizes, shapes, and appearances. There is no such certain look to an alcoholic, but many of them mentioned that was always what they had thought themselves: a person who was homeless, no job, drinking out of a paper bag and smelling of urine. However, there were just a few stories of people losing their jobs and living out of their cars or halfway houses and homeless shelters. Alcoholics look like me and you. I could relate to some parts of their stories, holding back my tears as Miss put her arm around me.

Alcoholics, lesbians, sex offenders, cancer survivors…whatever the title… look like you and me. 

A few things resonate with me that were said by the different people willing to tell parts of their stories tonight. "Trying to eat 5 or 6 pieces of bread to try and sober up before driving home," "it was only one DUI, I only got arrested once, those were pretty good odds since I drank a lot," "I would still be hungover the next morning and talking about going out tonight drinking to the bars," … but mostly this one that went something like this, Alcoholism isn't about drinking every waking hour, or even drinking every day for that matter, it's the way you feel afterwards, but still talk about getting smashed with friends, or not being able to wait til the work day is over and going to get hammered tonight or over the weekend, social drinkers don't talk like that, they can have one or two or maybe even three, they don't worry about finding a designated driver…" and he continued, but those stuck with me. It was the same guy who said those things earlier about trying to eat all this bread to sober up and drive home, thanking god maybe the next morning that you made it home alive. 

I've never smashed up cars, flipped over or even dented cars, never been arrested or lived in a half way house, lost family members or even relationships because of my drinking, but I do know that I'm lucky I have never wrapped my car around a telephone pole, hurt myself or anyone else when apparently eating those three or four slices of pizza did not sober me up enough to drive my friend and myself home. I do know that being addicted to whatever the thing is, alcoholism is in my family, it's in my blood. I saw a lot of my dad there, and wondered just how much shit he went through with his dad, an alcoholic, his mom who was in love with an alcoholic, and my dad himself drinking by a very early age which led to other stuff. As another guy said, "I didn't start drinking at age 10 and then was handed a trench coat and a paper bag of booze the next day, it's the progression that will kill you." 

I went because I wanted to go...unsure of the exact reasons but that's not important. Whatever the reason, whether it was to bring me closer to my dad and his addiction he conquered, to bring me closer to my mom and hear her stories of my dad and her going to AA meetings as dates, to bring me closer to my grandparents, to bring me closer to understanding addiction in all it's forms, to bring me closer to my brothers, and myself. Free therapy in addition to my regular therapy, but will I get more out of these meetings, quite possible at this point in my life. I am going on four months sobriety myself. Do I think I am an alcoholic? Do I think I had a problem with alcohol or an addiction? Did I make stupid possible life altering choices while drinking? An alcoholic, an addict…they are your neighbors, your bank tellers, your plumbers, your teachers, your grandparents, your parents, your friends, and maybe even yourself. 

I left the meeting with the same feeling but stronger as when I first entered if that makes any sense. It was yet another feeling I can not put into exact words. I reached for Miss' hand as we held each other walking back to the car, and I said "maybe we can do dinner with my mom on tuesdays so we can come to the meeting afterwards." And Miss stared back at me saying "sure we can." And that was that. I talked a little bit about it afterwards with my brother and mother as we picked Russell back up, and I knew I needed to blog before bed, or I wouldn't be able to fall asleep tonight. 

It has been a very emotional day…few weeks. Today I found out in the most painful crampy way ever, that my fallopian tubes are not scarred and/or damaged from past stupid decisions and that I am one step closer to being a mom, to having a family with Miss. Today I heard the words "you are worth it" from the most loving caring genuine respectful person I can not wait to call my wife. Today I went to my first AA meeting. Today was a really emotionally healing and fulfilling day in so many ways.