not your rock bottom, but MY rock bottom

It has been 122 days since I last drank a drop of alcohol….ok maybe more than a drop, so yeah,…four months sober today, alcohol free. That's 2,928 hours…175,680 minutes… ok you get the idea?! Four months, to some may not seem like a long time, to others it is a very long time. Going without something you have had whenever you wanted or in my recent year and a half or so, whenever you gathered with friends.

Last week's meeting, many spoke about change. No one likes change, they all stated it, and even so if they didn't, it's just kind of one of those things that goes without saying. Who likes changing their ever so comfortable routine, and especially a big change, who wants to do that? Everyone's rock bottom is different, that is definitely something I have learned/heard at these meetings. Everyone's rock bottom is different!! And that is important for me to understand and be reminded of.

Looking back at my drinking this past year and a half or so, when I was so broken and torn from different previous relationships, so broken about having to move back into my parents house after seven years of being out on my own, so broken about never ever finding someone to share my life with…yes, I probably (still have a hard time admitting it but that's ok, because I am getting there) hit MY rock bottom, not yours, not anyone else's, but mine. The things I have done, I sure as hell am not proud of. Do I remember the nights? Did I have fun in those moments? You bet I did, but the consequences of my actions could have been very dangerous or even fatal. Was it safe to drive all those times, not once, not twice, but multiple times, driving buzzed and even more than buzzed drinking and driving? Definitely was not! Driving buzzed is still drunk driving. And for whatever reason, my rock bottom never included being pulled over, or even scared by the thought of being pulled over (something I was fearful of in earlier years, just fearing cops in general or getting in trouble) apparently all went out the window drink by drink. So now I thank whoever was watching over me all those times, be grateful that my rock bottoms were not public knowledge, to some extent they were though. Friends hanging on to me as I struggle home, only to not remember passing by a cop car or whatever else on the way back. You get the point, they were not all happy drinking hanging out with friends times. Why couldn't I just have one or two and be satisfied with that. Instead, it was ok why not one more, or another one…but those snuck up on ya by the end of the night, and by then it's too late. The next morning, "maybe I shouldn't have had that many," but rather my thoughts were "glad I made it home."

Do I miss certain things about it? My first reaction answer may be a yes I do, I miss some of the good times and laughs with friends. Do I miss drinking? After smelling the wine bottles we are cleaning for centerpieces, maybe a little, but why, I wasn't even a big wine drinker, but it smelled good and fruity.

Do I miss drinking and getting so gone that I pissed myself in my sleep I didn't even know it more than once? Do I miss drinking and getting in the car, focusing so hard and trying to keep my eyes open, chewing my gum and worrying about going the speed limit so I blend in and can just make it home? No. What was my problem, why didn't I think this was a terrible idea? I never got in trouble as a kid, such fear of being in trouble or doing something wrong, some may have called me a prude or neurotic, paranoid whatever. So who was this person, just getting in the car after drinks and drinks most weekends time and time again, and drinking to the point of being incoherent when I knew I didn't have to drive home but slouch over passed out in the passengers seat to be dropped home at my house or my mothers, to find the nearest couch or bed in my clothes to sleep for the remaining of the night. Who was this person?

Miss told me yesterday that she loves this Lianne. She loves me more and more every day. She says I am more confident. It's funny she says that, because I thought with alcohol and not a care in the world anymore I was the most confident. It was all just a coping mechanism that wasn't going to last forever.

So did I hit rock bottom? Maybe you don't think so, maybe you can't see it or understand it, but did I hit MY rock bottom? Most definitely.

Be smart. Be kind. Be mindful. Be respectful of yourself and others. Be responsible.