38 days.. It has been 38 days since my birthday. 38 days since I stepped out of my comfort zone once again and surprised myself. 38 days since I led my first AA meeting. I put myself out there and shared some of my thoughts and feelings. I was so proud of myself. I was nervous as all heck when I got there, but it was so worth it. Miss made brownies and brought cookies for all to share and help themselves with and of course of all days, it was such a crowded meeting!! So many eyes staring back at little ol' me sitting in the chair at the table in the front of the room. It got easier as the minutes passed. Staring back at Miss just waiting for the clock to strike 6:30, she was smiling so big at me. And then my parents walked in, just as I was wondering where they were and if they were coming. Both of my parents came, I was nervous and excited all at the same time. My dad even ad-libbed during the intro round robins, and made a note to tell everyone that "Lianne is my daughter." It was a pretty awesome feeling, especially when months before he said he'd probably never set foot in an AA meeting again. Don't get me wrong, he's shown me great support in other ways, but deep down I really wanted him to come to this meeting, my first meeting I chaired.
The topic was blurry just as my thoughts are still. haha. surprised? no. but it was so awesome. People's feedback was so positive and people actually raised their hands to share and said how it was a great topic. I know they were sharing to the whole group, but there was something about choosing the topic of the meeting, and sitting up there with all eyes on you, feeling like the people who I called on to share, were talking to me and only me in some ways. It was great and I took it all in, I always do. They even sang happy birthday to me in the beginning of the meeting. Honestly there wasn't any place I'd rather have spent my 32nd birthday! The feeling I get when I leave those meetings is indescribable.
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22 days to OUR wedding! I am so thankful I found someone who loves me no matter what, who wants to know what and how I feel, wants to know about my day, hopes and dreams, and more importantly wants to share in my dreams and future. I am so thankful for all that she has done for me and our wedding and I am so very excited to share this day with the ones we love. Thanksgiving has come and gone, but there is still so much to be thankful for each and everyday.
I am loving my life, my country life, the snow is so beautiful out here, the sounds of the wind, the sight of the stars, if only there were more wildlife animals. I can't wait to explore the seasons of the country, the farmers markets, the tree lighting in the next town over, motorcycle rides on open country roads, and lots of pictures to take along on this journey. Our new chapter in our life has already begun and marrying each other makes it a more promising, permanent declaration for our commitment to share our lives together.
And yet a part of me deep down inside, still doesn't believe she is beautiful, worthy or deserving of a forever love like this. She makes me want to become a better person each and every day. Little by little I do truly believe the words she tells me every day, words of unconditional love and respect. It's amazing how honesty and communication can be so freeing and loving. I couldn't ask for a more perfect fit, partner in crime, life long partner to laugh with, cry with, go crazy with, share every thing with... this year has brought so many good things to both of our lives, and I am very eager to see what tomorrow brings. As one of my favorite sayings goes, "And isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back everything is different?" With that said, may we never forget to make the most of today, be grateful for every breath we take, every moment we share, good and bad, for it teaches us a lot about ourselves and the ones we love.
