and so this is christmas....

Happy Christmas, and a Merry New Year to you and yours!

so this is Christmas, it's not snowing, but there's snow on the ground.
it's not a real tree, but it was put together with love this year.
we're not all together this year, but in my heart you are near.
it's not christmas if there are no tears, it was a god damn chair that led me to tears.
I broke a chair, helping someone in need,
couldn't stop crying thinking of you alone at home.
Haven't slept great the past few days, maybe its the kid in me screaming out,
remembering times of christmas pasts, with the smiles and the laughs, the redskin sweatpants,
the sound of coffee brewing, batteries being opened, and stockings overflowing.
music in the background, sitting at the top of the stairs yelling can we come down now??
I've been up for hours already, took Russell for a walk,
wishing to see christmas cheer in the windows, little kids walking down the stairs,
instead only the sound of Russell's tags and smells of lingering skunk...ha.

c.h.L.r.i.O.s.t.V.m.a.E.s.


"And so this is Christmas
For weak and for strong
For rich and the poor ones
The world is so wrong
And so happy Christmas
For black and for white
For yellow and red ones
Let's stop all the fight

A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear
And so this is Christmas..."

to be a kid again on christmas morning...magical, innocence, pure love...love is all around

Merry Christmas!

day by day.

dashuri. الحب. kærlighed. mahal. l'amour. αγάπη. amore. אהבה. miłość. tình yêu. love. it means the same in every language.

to love: To have a deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward (a person): To have a feeling of intense desire and attraction toward (a person). To have an intense emotional attachment to:

a year. in the big scheme of things, life, this crazy life, I hope it's just a few pages in our life. in our life together. in this crazy journey of love, life, happiness, heartaches, ups and downs, good and bad and with you some more good. a year: a period of 365 or 366 days, a lifetime: The period of time during which an individual is alive. May we be so grateful to enrich each others lives for years to come, possibly even a lifetime. lifetime. sounds so much better than forever? ha, same difference? we all know how I feel about forever, the word forever. May we take this love day by day, remember where we started and how far we've traveled, and may we never be afraid to communicate our true feelings, for it is much easier (in the long run) to speak truth, not remember lies, may we never be afraid to love and be loved, help each other and be helped.

a year. in the big scheme of things, I hope its just a few pages or the preface to our book of life together. for it has been the most consistent happiness in my adult life relationship history....cheers to you, us, our smiles, laughs, tears, brutal honesty, open arms, open minds, loving hearts, supportive words...may we have even more patience, more love, more confidence, and more laughter throughout...

'"Old times" never come back and I suppose it's just as well. What comes back is a new morning every day in the year, and that's better."~George E. Woodberry

Dear Santa...

oh Christmas. how did you arrive so quickly? the most magical time of the year...the most happiest time of the year, the most wonderful time of the year.

oh how I miss the way things used to be, and I'm not talking about with people or missing people. I'm talking about just good ol' fashion ways... like sending real handwritten letters to people, getting Christmas cards instead of e-cards, making homemade gifts, calling and talking to people on the phone rather than reading their texts...you can't even make someone a mix tape/cd these days, because of the ipods and plugs in their cars they already have all their music with them! tear. just feeling a bit nostalgic.

if only we could carry the magic of Christmas with us, like glee's Brittney who still believed in Santa. why wouldn't you want to believe in all of that... I sure remember when I was told there was no Santa. crushed, sad, and won't let my aunt forget it! ha.

I miss the decorations, the lights, seeing dad get all excited about hanging the wreaths on the porch and the lights in the windows, testing them all before hanging them just right, when was the last time we all decorated the tree together? I wish I could remember. When was our last family vacation? Christmas time. It was our Christmas present year 2000 to Disney, left on Christmas day, came back January 3, 2001. such a great time, so much still to see even though we had been before, the fireworks over head at Magic Kingdom, Goofy and Daisy and Mickey and Minnie counting down to the new year, thousands of strangers standing in awe in the most magical place. such an amazing feeling, putting it into words does it no justice.



To be a kid again, this time of the year, is probably the only time you could convince me to relive these days...to see their faces light up when they see Santa coming down the street on the firetruck passing out candy (oh wait, that was my face all lit up just a few years ago, HA!), so hear them talk about writing Santa letters, watching movies from your childhood, some things just never get old... prancer, could watch that movie over and over. "feliz navidad," "all I want for Christmas," home alone....nostalgia.

give. thanks.

Thank you, the reader, for taking the time to check my blog out. Thank you, the reader, who reads it daily, or more than once a week. Thank you, the reader, who's commented on my thoughts, words, and passion. Thank you, the reader, for sharing your thoughts with me as well.

Just a little thanks. Touching other peoples lives in doing something I love, I can't ask for anything more.

ten years. how does it add up?

numbers. all around. I see them in patterns, remember dates, things those dates and numbers represent, sometimes I wish I didn't, sometimes I wonder why my brain functions as so. I'm not good at math, never have been, but numbers, I am a bit obsessed with...with finding the patterns, adding them up to a number that I can relate something to from my past or present....strange. numbers. meaning. superstitions. what have you. regardless, I can't set my alarm to the whole, like 10:00, or 10:10, but rather 10:03, or 10:09...etc. strange. I know. good or bad, what have you. they mean something.

10 years. It has been ten years since high school. so much has happened in ten years, yet it seems nothing changes day to day...

10 years. the year 2000. the millennium. some thought it to be the end of the world. In some strange way, it was sort of like the end of the world. my world I have always known, the familiarity of it all. my friends, my family...work, school, up until 2000, things were the same. they were familiar. 1 high school graduation, May 2000. Hello Summer. June 2000, change, shock, world turned around. my cousin lost her father. 1 father gone, Kenny. June 2000 . summer, I was in Maine, in the bunk bed, first one on the left the bottom bunk, heard my mom come down the stairs, talking to her cousin who had just lost her husband.

6 months later, 1 aunt gone. Auntie Terry. January 2001. 4 year battle of cancer, lost. 3 of my cousins motherless. The most magical new years eve I've ever had with my family, the 5 of us in the middle of the Magic Kingdom, Disney World. It was our Christmas present that year. The most magical, emotional new years eve, fireworks over head, every inch of the sky covered, tears flowing down slowly, thinking of my aunt.

the next 3 summers, 3 weddings, 3 cousins married. May 4, 2003, 1 grandfather figure gone. Phil, Sittoo's Phil, he was the grandfather I never had.

April 18, 2004, 1 more wedding, another cousin married. April 19, 2004, 1 cousin to be gone. Lindsay, a 9 month battle with a rare cancer lost, just 25 years old, with 2 younger brothers. hit me hard at the wake. the same family dynamics as my own. too young. too full of life. May 2004, my college graduation!

happy. sad. happy. sad. good times. bad times. loss. pain. years passed, time gone by, time? time to heal? no.

numerous hook ups, in and out of relationships. friends lost. 2 very best friends, no longer, a group of 5-6 girl friends, minus 1, minus me. So it's summer time again, August 29, 2004, 1 grandmother gone. Sittoo. suddenly taken. dropped dead in her bathroom, autopsy showed cancer. the healthiest grandmother I've ever had.

2000-2004: 5 deaths, 4 weddings, 1 high school graduation, 1 college graduation.

My 1st apartment on my own. paying my way, living my life without the familiarity of it all. my family. my friends. different. forever changed.

6 months after living on my own, June 5, 2005, 1 grandmother gone. Nonna. dementia. terrible disease of the mind. Her birthday in February was the last time I visited, I should have visited more. She didn't know me. disease. terrible diseases of the mind, body and soul. Such a horrible way to go, when you don't even know yourself anymore. My 1st eulogy delivered, I was only 22 years old.

few months later, September 2005, 1 uncle gone. Uncle Jeff. 3 cousins parentless.

many jobs, boyfriends, relationships... five years later, March 2010, 1 great aunt gone. Auntie El. sudden. shock. not again....1/2 of the table of power gone.

6 times. packing and unpacking my things and moving, 1 puppy, 5 homes, 1 engagement, 1 month later, called off. 1 ring removed. numerous therapy sessions, tears, laughs, and some more tears. November 20, 2009. 1 life altering moment. changed forever.

10 years. 10 long years. good, bad, happy, sad, frustrating, longing for familiarity again, getting there, so getting there. what a wild ride it has been.

Today I am grateful for you. for the most consistent 11 months of happiness I have ever had with another being. There will be no reunion. No need to meet with people 10 years later, the familiarity of their faces are no longer familiar. I've had my reunion. over and over again with myself and these memories, more painful than not. I am thankful for my strength, my courage, my love for myself, finally after all these years, to make myself happy.

jar of hearts.

writing prompt: to be inspired by the world...how can you look to the world and use it to inspire you creatively and help you compose writing that will tell your story and engage your readers? whether it be by news articles, recipes to your favorite meals, your book shelf, music on your ipod or in my case tonight, the radio.

Driving home in the rain and darkness this evening, reminded why I have yet to call him back, why I haven't thought twice about calling him, why this time, this time around, he's hurt me too many times to want to call him back. My best guy friend, the person I have probably invested the most time and love into besides my own family. I would have done anything for him, I did do almost anything for him...time and time again, he let me down, he said hurtful things, he didn't call, he didn't visit, he dated other girls, because I wasn't good enough, he liked me, he loved me, but not enough he said.... all these memories, this pain, revisited. Maybe if I hadn't been revisiting my journals from over the years, and ran into all the entries of hurt and pain with him, I would call him back, but maybe if I hadn't read my journals and called him back, would it be only weeks and months again for more hurt, more pain, and when, until how long would I be able to take it, wondering if more hurt would arise.

He doesn't deserve me, he had something great in his life, and he messed up. He messed up this time real bad, huge. Hurtful words of such beautiful things, love. Questioning me and my life choices when he could have continued to support and love me. continue? had he loved me all along and just had a funny way of showing it? no more defending people who don't deserve my defense....either way, there will be questions unanswered, wounds left open, and little pieces of my heart broken.

Jar of hearts by christina perri

I know I can't take one more step towards you
Cause all that's waiting is regret
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are

I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are

And it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?

vulnerable

vulnerable: capable of being physically or emotionally wounded, open to attack or damage...

As I sit here and go through my box of journals, diaries...secret and private writings I have written, collecting my thoughts on paper over the years as far back as the fifth grade... my ten year high school reunion is coming up, so a lot of time has passed since this journal writing, dear diary has started.

its all about boys you say as you read entry after entry. I have never shared such deepest darkest secrets with anyone, not even you mom when we've talked and talked about everything and anything at any given time of the day, having some of the best conversations this little girl could ask for, nothing but support and love, even at one in the morning on the upstairs cold bathroom tile floor.

vulnerable... to be open to such attack emotionally or physically, this case emotionally as you turn the pages of just one of the many journals... not judging, but understanding where I came from and how I could have such irrational thoughts still after all these years.

The box of journals made its way out of the back of the closet for my new project. my book. my story. my life. uncovered, exposed, out there for the taking. I'm ready for this journey. I'm passionate about writing and always have been, hence all the journals over the years, but I've also been a sharer, willing to talk to anyone who will listen. So this is my story... I will share my story, my life, not as a professional, not as a doctor or licensed psychologist giving advice or whatnot, but as a young girl, vulnerable, searching for love, for someone, for that feeling you read about and see on the movies, so I took what I could get putting my self worth aside, my feelings aside, my love for myself aside, these boys, these feelings, these people who took advantage of me, said they loved me, wanted me only when they wanted me, I took what I could get and I saw the positive out of every little thing.... that was me. I'm not happy nor proud looking back, and realize this is more than just writing a book and sharing, although that is what I want to do, share...in hopes I will reach just one person who was like me or knows someone like me and can relate to a story, a chapter or the whole thing....

This is a project, a journey, a look inside me, page by page, tear by tear, laugh by laugh...the ultimate therapy. my book. my story. my experiences. me over the years, breaking down my walls, putting them back up, and breaking them back down.....to find the real happiness, not the happiness in the journals. Boy, if I could have gone back in time and kicked that girl in the ass, smacked her in the face and told her that she was worth more than anyone never told her, more than anyone didn't treat her, she was worth more than she put her self through, more than she put up with from people who never treated her more than she was worth.

I am ready. I am ready to relive the pain, the hatred, the love, the lust, the loss, the what ifs, the could have beens, the never weres... at 27 years old, I made the biggest choice of my life, to not get married, to not deserve less, to not settle for something because I thought more would never come. I put myself first, I was the leading lady of my life, no longer standing on the side lines, or sitting on the bench, in second place, just along for the ride.

vulnerable: to put yourself out there, ready for ridicule, judgment, defeat or victory...as we sit here and read back journal entry after journal entry, the wounds opening up again, the tears rolling down my face, but this time, right now, right here, no judgment. sadly, only embarrassment and shame.

thanks for listening, thanks for reading, thanks for loving me mom, dad, anthony, nicholas, and my extended family and friends.

"IF"

IF
conj. in the event that, on the condition that, granting that. although possibly, even though, whether, used to introduce an exclamatory clause, indicating a wish....

What if? If I, then would I...? negative, positive, wondering, thinking....IF...? IF...? IF....?

"Dance as if nobodys watching" "Live as if you were to die tomorrow" "Love as if you have nothing to lose"

If we don't take risks, if we don't love with all that we have, if we don't give our all...

If we don't stand up for ourselves, who will? If we don't trust others who can we trust?
If I never moved to college just because I didn't know anyone, would I be so strong, so motivated, so independent?
If I kept my feelings to myself, I would have missed out on meeting some pretty great and not so great people.
If I only kept some feelings to myself, I would have missed out on the heart aches.
If I asked for more hugs, more love from you, more friendship, I wouldn't have missed you so much when you left.
Or is it if I had asked you more things about you, seemed more interested in your life, even though I was, you must not have felt that, but how do I know that if you never said goodbye and here's why.
If I didn't take you for granted, if I had only dropped those damn tomatoes off to you, would I have beaten myself up so badly for not remembering the last time I saw you, hugged and kissed you before you passed.
If I said I love you more, than you would all know I loved you so much, my family, my life.
If I reach out my hand to you, turn out my ear to you, will you hold it back, will you talk my ear off because I love you and I want to be here for you, you need to tell me how, if you don't I fail you.
If I didn't rush to wanting a family of my own, maybe I wouldn't have hurt so many.
If I didn't hurt you (unintentionally) I would never have experienced this happiness.
If I had never met you, that Lianne in college may had been lost forever.
If you loved me for who I am, you would have embraced me and my choices.
If I didn't have the love and support from my family and friends, this wouldn't be so easy.


If you love someone tell them. If you care about someone tell them. If you appreciate someone show them.

Dear Younger Self

Dear younger self,

There is so much to tell you, I don't know where to begin. There are some things you just have to learn by doing and going through yourself, but if these words find you any comfort or hope then great. People are not always who you think they are, and life isn't always against you even though it may seem that way at times, more times than not. But head up young person, eyes forward, don't look back, it's a huge waste of time. You won't know who will be there for you 3 or 4 years from now, and that's ok, because when those people walk out, you will be surrounded by some pretty amazing people who are accepting, loving and authentic. They tell it how it is, just like yourself.

Don't waste your time or others by making things sound pretty, that well just aren't pretty. Be truthful, be honest, maybe not so sarcastic, but it's ok at times, because its your defense mechanism. Big word I know. But it will make sense after broken heart after broken heart, and after your losses, death and friendships. That defense mechanism is what is going to hold you together at times when you're just not able to cry anymore. Everyone has them, those silly defense mechanisms, that yes, will sometimes get in the way of potential life long friendships, but please know that with or without the sarcasm, you can't wonder what if? what if I was less straightforward? what if I hid my feelings? what if I wasn't so sarcastic? would I have more friends? would certain people still be in my life? what ifs....just get rid of those what ifs here and now, and it will cause a lot less hardships and maybe even save you a few less therapy sessions.

However you use your words, try and be more tactful at times, and always know that words can come back to haunt you. same goes for your friends' words though too. Own your words. Say sorry only if you mean it, don't tell someone you love them just because they tell you they love you. Own it. Mean it. Say it with your heart.

Stay positive, don't be so down on yourself! You are truly beautiful inside and out. Those annoying sayings...people come in different shapes and sizes...beauty is in the eye of the beholder...yada yada. Well it's true. And you are beautiful just the way you are so own that too! You have a lot more going for you than you think. And yes, there will be people who take advantage of that, but please don't let them. Be kind to yourself and your body. Save it for those who truly deserve it. There are many other ways to feel good about yourself.

On more positive notes, keep dancing. even if it is only in your dorm room, or kitchen of your small apartment. Dance like nobodys watching. Sing in the shower. Wake up with a smile on your face knowing that you are a strong beautiful person. The people you met and will meet, treat them fair, treat them kind. Appreciate the short time you have with them. Friends and Family. Love whole-heartedly, with all that you have everyday to those who surround you and reciprocate the same love and feelings. I know its hard to trust people, and tell the difference between those who are sincere and those who are not. But you will find a way, you always do, and when you know, don't be mad when they walk out on you. Don't regret the time you had with each and everyone of them, for they contributed to the person you will be, whether it was in their presence or in their absence. You are strong, don't ever let anyone tell you different. And believe it. Believe in yourself and trust yourself, it helps when you are learning to trust others and give your love to others when you have more love and trust for yourself.

Lastly, fairytales only happen in movies. People are not perfect, love is not perfect, it truly is whether or not you are perfect for eachother. When you meet that person, don't rush it. It will happen, it will come, it will be. To love yourself so much that you can love another person no matter what their faults, petpeeves, etc.. are, to love them for better or worse, it will come, it will happen. Love happens when you are not looking for it, so just stop looking! Head up young person, your time will come and it may not be all that you dreamed when you were even younger than you are now, but it will be amazing. It will be more than all of that. Remember people aren't always who you think they are, and your dreams, well they may change too. All is well if you take it and run with it, think with your heart, love with all that you have, and know that this is still what you always wanted... to be happy. to love and be loved.

With Love,
Older Self

to write is to be strong.

So a good friend of mine at work suggested I look into this online scrapbooking/writing prompt class and just for 15 dollars, you will receive a writing prompt daily monday-friday for 3 weeks.... so I did. I have yet to write anything as I just signed up yesterday, but so far I have 4 prompts....to be used at my own time. 15 writing ideas at my disposal...I'm looking forward to it. So stay tuned for more lovely thoughts and blogs from me. :)

"Fate controls who walks into your life. You decide who you let walk out, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go."



"There is special poetry in the subconscious that is allowed to spill out when our daytime guard is down"-Peter Reynolds

10.21.82

My day of birth. my birth day.

"When did you go into labor?"

"yesterday, the 19th!"

"ha, you were in labor for 3 days!!??"

"yeah, I guess you didn't want to come out, why would ya, you had it made in there"

"yeah, I guess not, I had to think about it, who would blame me, now wonder why I cant stand people... haha"

Happy 28th Birthday....oh the places I have been and the people I have met in this short time.

Im sick. been sick for a few days now, and not until tonight when smelling my birthday cake and licking the frosting off the beaters, did it begin to feel like my birthday!! and I'm thankful for that!! I once saw an episode of Charmed, never did I watch the show,but for whatever reason on that day, I saw an episode when there was this guy who was talking to one of the main characters saying it's his birthday soon but he didn't feel like celebrating, and she said you should always celebrate your birthday, because you never know when it will be your last. So it seems a little negative, but I took the positive out of it, and have since spread those words to others who don't always look forward to their birthdays for whatever reason, whether it being someone they loved died on or around their birthday, they're turning "older"....but for whatever the reason, we should always celebrate our birthday, for it was the day we were born. corny I know. but it's our holiday. ours and only ours. our cake. our candles. our traditions. our celebration of US.

I've had a lot of similar birthdays, year to year, but this one, this one is different. People I used to know are getting married or married, having kids, or have had kids...I may not be any of these, and yes, I could have been. But I'm not. and I'm happy.

another chapter closed, another year behind me, "friends" lost, lives changed. mine, for the better. I can appreciate where I have been, what I have been through, and who I used to know. I can appreciate that I am no longer surrounded by those who I thought I knew, caring and loving myself and the decisions I have made. I have my dog, my family, my health, my friends. So bring it on 28 and whatever you may have in store for me, because I have am one strong person, stronger than I could have imagined.

so cheers to me, and to the things and people I love. and call me crazy if I still love celebrating my birthday, need my cake chocolate, and my frosting buttercream, and to blow out candles on 8:19pm. :)

autumn bliss

the view outside my bedroom window...and for moments throughout the day when we look out the window at the pretty leaves changing color, the wind blowing, the sun shining....we forget all the hate and negativity in the world....another lovely fall weekend. ♥

wearing a light jacket with sandals...
windows open, cuddling with a blanket...baking cookies, my birthday, perfect walking weather for me and russy...yard sales, hot chocolate, sunday afternoons with sweatpants and scrapbooks...getting ready for the holidays...yankee candle scents...

"Today is your big moment. Moments, really. The life you’ve been waiting for is happening all around you. The scene unfolding right outside your window is worth more than the most beautiful painting, and the crackers and peanut butter that you’re having for lunch on the coffee table are as profound, in their own way, as the Last Supper. This is it. T his is life in all its glory, swirling and unfolding around us, disguised as pedantic, pedestrian non-events. But pull off the mask and you will find your life, waiting to be made, chosen, woven, crafted"

violence. survivors. hope.

pain. we all have pain in our lives. different kinds, different reasons, brought on by others or ourselves, on purpose, or accident, wrong place at the wrong time... whatever and wherever the pain came from... it shares one in the same... its negative.

domestic violence. sexual assault. learned helplessness. I hate the term learned helplessness, it just seems well, so negative...

yeah, sometimes its all they know, its all they have ever lived. but that's where you and I come in. Some of my best learning in college was during my sexual assault training through S.A.V.E.S when I decided to become a hot line advocate for the organization. It was separate from college and my courses on campus. I actually don't remember how or when I decided to sign up and join, nor did I know that it would change my life, leaving imprints on my heart to help people in different ways now.

Listening. the hardest thing to do. Listening without talking. even harder. I was trained for it. sure, still a work in progress until I was actually given the opportunity to apply my skills. Listening? how hard can it be? Harder than you think. And rewarding? absolutely. It was amazing to me that something so negative, so hurtful could be so rewarding to be a part of. To witness, to hear the change from victim to survivor, to hear the positivity and hope in their voices after such tragedy, such pain... to hear their thank yous, when you wonder to yourself what did I do? All I did was listen. I listened!! I listened when no one else would or had.

My time at SAVES ended when I graduated and moved back home, but shortly after I looked into working some months at a domestic violence shelter and later on at the rapecrisiscenter.org as a hot line advocate, going through more months of training on Massachusetts laws and such. I'll never forget one of the conversations at the domestic violence shelter.

Though my time was short there, it forever changed my outlook on people who are victims/survivors of learned helplessness. Sitting in the office, across from me, a female maybe just a year or two older than myself, with one child to care for, in a relationship for years with this man who she said was about 6 feet tall, and 250-300 pounds. mind you, the female survivor sitting across from me was oh about my height of 5 feet and probably around 115 pounds. She told me some stories, but particularly this one time, the last time, her last straw. He had beaten her so many times, with his fist, different household accessories, pushed her when she was pregnant, but this time, this time was her last. He actually took his shoe off and beat her with it, cut open her lip, she will forever have the scar... the scars on the outside as well as the inside. constant reminders. but to her and to the other strong women that were in the shelter, to her the scars will remind them that they are alive, that they took care of themselves when no one else was around. The word shelter is funny...if you think of it, they were living in a shelter and feeling more free and safe than ever, shelter, they had been sheltered in those relationships.

so why, why does it take so long for them to leave? Sometimes it's not because they don't know any better or this is all they know. sometimes, to stay means to be alive, and to leave, leaving alive, that doesn't always look promising. I looked at her with my undivided attention, smiling and crying for her, and for me, wondering if I'd have the strength and courage she did.

That's the problem with us outsiders. We don't use words like strength and courage as common as we should when talking about survivors of abuse. We focus on the negativity and make accusations as to why they may have been in an abusive relationship? why didn't they just walk away? why would they want to stay with that person? They don't. They are trying. and They don't. Abuse happens everywhere and to anyone, male, female, gay, lesbian, handicapped, rich, famous.,,,physically and/or emotionally.

I miss the work I did (and am looking locally to joining yet another similar organization), the learning, the positiveness that came with the trainings and the people who work at these places. It takes special people to do this kind of work... another saying I can't stand. ha. We're all special. We're all capable of good things. We just need to take the time to listen to others. listen to the world around us. domestic violence month is October, child abuse month is april, breast cancer awareness month is october, aids awareness month is december...etc.... everything has a month, but why only one?

**this post is dedicated to those who survived, those who are surviving and those who didn't survive.
they are our loved ones, our daughters, our sons, our brothers, sisters, cousins, aunts, mothers, friends, coworkers, peers**

I got flowers today.
It wasn't my birthday or any other special day.
We had our first argument last night,
And he said a lot of cruel things that really hurt me.
I know he is sorry and didn't mean the things he said.
Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today.
It wasn't our anniversary or any other special day.
Last night, he threw me into a wall and started to choke me.
It seemed like a nightmare.
I couldn't believe it was real.
I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over.
I know he must be sorry.
Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today,
And it wasn't Mother's Day or any other special day.
Last night, he beat me up again.
And it was much worse than all the other times.
If I leave him, what will I do?
How will I take care of my kids?
What about money?
I'm afraid of him and scared to leave.
But I know he must be sorry.
Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today.
Today was a very special day.
It was the day of my funeral.
Last night, he finally killed me.
He beat me to death.
If only I had gathered enough courage
and strength to leave him,
I would not have gotten flowers...today
-P.Kelly-

thoughts of happiness on this rainy tuesday morning...

happiness is...

dogs faces as they hang out the car windows catching all the smells

elder couples holding hands while walking down the street

seeing out of state license plates in massachusetts, wondering hmm. what are they doing and where are they going...

making faux flower arrangements to brighten up the kitchen counter for when we do dishes

russell's morning belly rubs he always wants followed by his little yawns

waking up despite how dark it is outside still and feeling good about myself and the decisions I have made...

What tickles your fancy on this dreary tuesday morning? would love to hear about it...enjoy your day. make someone smile today.

til death do you part?

"1. The whole gym and eating right thing, not a myth. It works.

2. It's okay to be self indulgent; sometimes.

3. The only thing you can control is yourself; your next move, your attitude.

4. You are stronger than you even know.

5. Real love is worth the wait."

loving someone fully and wholly means loving them exactly as they are today. you can't change someone because you wouldn't want someone to change you - right?

dancing (no matter what you look like) will almost always make you feel better.

Today was the day. It was my wedding day. It was the day that every girl, almost every girl dreams of having, walking down the aisle with her daddy, feeling the most beautiful she's ever felt. Love. It makes you do crazy things, it takes your breath away, it makes your heart beat faster, but it also can be blinding. Wrapped up in everyone elses lives, making sure everyone is taken care of because afterall you love them so much so it seems effortless to take care of them....that is until it becomes overwhelming. I was so consumed by the idea of a marriage, a family, a wedding...I wanted it, I still want it, but it was not the right time nor the right person.

Today was not my wedding day. My choice. My decision. not the easiest one I've ever made, but Today was the day I was grateful for making that decision. I may not have been wearing a white gown, but I still looked beautiful. Today was the day I had been dreading. I woke up today, not knowing how I should feel. So wierd? Not knowing how one should feel? sounds silly, but as happy as I am, the happiest I have ever been in my adult post college life, it was still a day I had never quite experienced before. No matter how happy I am now, so happy today, you know me, it was still a day I couldn't help but reflect on. The last of the days to say goodbye....not with words, not to anyone, not to anyone but me, this was my goodbye, my closure, to the day and what it would have been. The last straw, the last date I don't ever want to remember.

I'm tired of remembering dates and days and people that don't matter, and those dates of lost loved ones, dates and times filled with hurt and sadness. I want more happiness, I want more of this, more of these past 9 months or so... more smiles, more laughter, more good family times, more memories...Today I looked beautiful. I smiled, I laughed, I ate some great food, had some great wine, and even danced a little bit!!

So some seafood, icecream, kabobs and wine later, mixed with laughter, music, dancing and brief tears of happiness, of my strength... I survived this day. Thank you for supporting me, loving me, and accepting me just the way I am, however one may describe me these days.... :)

wet leaves. hello october.

"wet leaves are slipperier than ice" she always says this time of year... her dad said it when they would drive together in the car this time of year. The first leaves falling, the first rainy morning, I will forever think of the saying. We laugh when we beat each other to say it before the other one. This year, I said it first. It's that time of year again. fasten your seatbelts, be more cautious of falling leaves, snow and ice on the roads. But isn't the foliage beautiful?? The yellows, reds and oranges. There was nothing like those long rides to Farmington, going back to college in septembers, commenting year after year on the foliage. and smiling.

This time of year always makes me remember those car rides, can't remember exactly what we talked about, but even the years you didn't drive up with me, I still remember smiling when passing by the random houses on route 4 surrounded by the prettiest colored leaves..... It's like the songs that remind me of you when you're not with me, and the way I say things because of you. oh Farmington, how sometimes I miss you and the memories, giffords icecream, all my cows, the lovely hotel visits from the family, parties, soccer games, psych classes, golden girls at 2 in the morning, bandanas, surprise parties, friends just a door away...

The leaves are changing, the holidays are coming, the days are shorter and colder, yet my heart is filled with so much warmth and love to keep me grounded and thankful for another holiday season, not quite like the last one or the years before. Each year changing ever so slightly.....so bring on 28 years old... I'm ready to breeathe, ready to keep going, ready to forget...with more confidence and more self-worth in my heart.

be thankful.

"Be thankful for every heartbreak, for they were planned. They come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. Their purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life. And you do."

it's been a few days... things are just as well I suppose...a little crankier today than yesterday, but just as emotional if not more...not sure why. Seasons changing? full moon? pmsing.. for months? pre-holiday season? been busier than ever on the weekends and working two jobs during the week, maybe it's just catching up to me....mind has been racing, body has been moving nonstop...need to slow down Lianne. I'm no good to you or myself when I'm like this. This, I haven't exactly felt this way before? overwhelmed, stressed, emotional, sure I've felt all of those things before, but not like this.

Be thankful for every heartbreak, for they were planned, and nothing was more planned than this past unplanned planned decision of my life. Third time is a charm... first time, I got Russell; second time, I moved to Maine; third time, I decided for myself. Be thankful for every heartbreak, for it teaches you a lesson for the next one, but may you be the last one. the one.

They shake you up...show your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get it. Shake you so silly that you can't eat, don't eat, don't recognize yourself, get wrapped so far around your thoughts, you can't think straight until one day you just can't take it anymore, you found your way out of the obstacle, your heart broken and happy at the same time, ready for the new obstacle, the new light. The light that came out of no where, and yeah sure, the old one came out of no where too, but this is different. you are different. I told you, I came to you, when everything in my life was going...going so fast, fast because I thought that's what I wanted, I thought that's the best I could have done, so I better keep going before it was too late, before I was going to end up alone. A friend I used to have, always said she'd end up in the nunnery because she could never find someone. I guess we all think at some point in our lives, that we might end up alone, or maybe we all don't think that way, just us pessimists, because this friend of mine, now that I can clearly see and look back on our friendship, I can hear the negativity. We're only as positive and motivating and happy as those we surround ourselves with.

because I have to believe that it's never too late to start over, more importantly it's never too late to make decisions for yourself and your own happiness, self worth, and heart. I know that I can have everything I have always wanted, the wedding, the kids, the marriage to someone who loves me, trusts me, respects me, and works with me. I know this, and I long for the day to have all of this. But for now I need to work on me, I need to continue my therapy on my own, I need to write more, take more me time, show you how grateful I am for you and to you, love and respect you and treat you the way you treat me and deserve...and out of control that you have to transform your life. And you do...and I am..

"You deserve a place that feels like home. You deserve some hands to hold. Hands to pull you past the broken moments, hands to catch you when you fall. Eyes to see you. To say you’re there, that you exist, that you change a room, that your presence is significant. Ears to hear you - hear your stories, hear you laugh. Ears to hear your questions and to say they matter."

smell the roses.

take time to smell the roses.

leave the dishes in the dishwasher... they don't need to be put away as soon as the washing cycle is done. ... instead, sit around with the one you love and play silly computer games, laugh, joke, laugh some more 'til the other one hits their foot on the coffee table and proceeds to throw a coaster which leads to the coaster breaking in half! haaa. :) love. it makes us do crazy things.

love when I drive by the pond near my mom's and see an old man just sitting there by himself, taking it all in... wonder what he's thinking about? maybe he just fought with his wife and needed to get out for a minute, or maybe he lost his wife a year ago, and that bench was one of their spots they liked to drink coffee at on sunday mornings...

love when I look back in my rear view mirror and see Russell's little head hanging out the car window, fur blowing in the wind...

laughter...how I missed you.

what made you smile this week?

lions and tigers and bears. oh my.

saw WICKED tonight. it was my first time. so fun.

"It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend..."

"It's just life So keep dancing through"

love doing things, going places, spending my time wisely instead of just getting out and doing grocery shopping and target as some quality time, don't get me wrong, I actually enjoy grocery shopping and Target can be a good time, but I'm living life now...it's not always about errands and to do lists... something I am still working on figuring out but getting there :) some things can wait. With my to-do list, I have realized I need a for-me list, do things for me, do things I've always wanted to do, get out there and explore what life has to offer you, some things on my to-do list can wait 'til tomorrow, because when we think of it, will we really die happier knowing that we vacuumed and did laundry today instead of going to see the movie we've been dying to see (don't wait 'til it comes out on video), or the restaurant we've been dying to try? not really!

"Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!

It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you can't pull me down!"

and so that was my september 11th, 9 years later...a long time since sitting in statistics class at UMF wondering what the hell was happening in the friggin crazy world. today riding on the T, looking ever so closely at all the different kinds of people, smiling and laughing and talking just like you and me, thinking if any of them had been personally affected by 9/11/01...to life and to those who lost their lives in saving others, may we all be so brave some day to help others and be so selfless.

when you hurt, I hurt.

we all cry. we all crave attention. we all want attention. we are all looking for love, we are all wanting to be loved, we all want someone to love and take care of. to each of us, it sounds different, it looks different, but its all the same. it's life and we have to take the good with the bad, we have to forgive and forget, we have to move on from the hate, from the all the bad, or we can't welcome more love and more good this crazy messed up world has to offer us before we die. we all die. but it's not our choice to decide when we do or how we do it.

you are loved. you have people who love you. you know that. you've always known that. reaching out... now that's different. reaching out for help. asking for help. how does one do such a task? how does one admit to oneself that he/she needs help. you must succumb to the realization that you have reached your rock bottom. you can't help yourself. you have become so wrapped in your thoughts and negativity that you don't even know where to start or where to look. others may help and support you, but in fact you yourself can only help yourself. we all handle pain in a different way.

it hurts me to know that I can't help you but be there for you, but my counselor said and I know deep down that I am helping you by just being there for you, as you are there for me in return. family. we're born into it, and in the end it's all we have. define family in any way that it applies to you. you always said blood is thicker than water. so for purposes of this blog, family here applies to blood related family. The family you are born into, leaving you no choice but to love all those who surround you, even if they are the ones who after years, only show up to birthday parties, baptisms, and holidays. all the space in between. all the life in between, yah, we may not know about each other anymore, in all that space as we have grown older starting our own lives, but you know deep down they would do anything for you, they would show up at your funeral. ha, your funeral. isn't it too late by then? so the family that you do talk to and see more than the list above, get to know them even more, talk to them even more, and love them even more.

we are all so strong, stronger than we give ourselves credit for. you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. look at all this life around you, those who are still living, laughing, loving... look up to those who can go on after losing both parents, be grateful you have one or both left, be grateful for those who can go on after divorce, disorders, and such horrible things that people have done to our bodies. We are all strong, strong in our own ways. How can we compare, we can't, and we won't, or we'll never think we deserve as much as we do! we do!! religion...it's a funny thing, to believe in this one guy, this one God, who has all these powers to create and take away, the good with the bad again I suppose, but why? We all these tests in life? who knows. maybe its not for us to know. but faith, we all need a little faith. We have to have faith and hope that tomorrow brings more happiness than sadness, more strength to keep us going, more faith to believe that no matter how many people do things to our bodies without asking, take away people we love, end our friendships without asking, or whatever may apply to you reading this, we need to have that faith and hope to go on, to maybe not always forgive, but to make our heart just a little bit bigger tomorrow to forget. forget the hurt,the pain, the sadness. not all the time, just a little less each day.

make new memories.

I look up to you for loving and letting people in after those guys did such horrible things to you and your body, leaving you hospitalized for a bit...and I look up to you for being good parents when you no longer have your own parents in your life, and I look up to you for helping and taking care of those when you only have one parent left to take care of you....

so I cry today because the big guy upstairs didn't take you from me today, I love today because that's the only thing I want to do, I smile today because I need to stop crying, I look forward to family gatherings because if that's the only time we will see each other, than I will make the most of it.

hate. love. sittoo.

so it's been bothering me about my last post, about having so much hate inside me towards others and just sometimes life in general.. like how unfair it is sometimes, beyond our control. I don't want to come across as an unhappy cruel person, because I am happy, this is one of the most happy times of my adulthood thus far. We can all vent and be envious of other peoples lives sometimes, the good with the bad. I know that people die. We all do. And I know that the very bad people rotting in jail are peoples loved ones too, but they did very bad things, and naturally should be punished for what they have done...why do they get to live? why do they get three cooked meals a day? why do they get to have visitors? I can't visit you anymore, and it's just not fair. simple as that. I visit your headstone, even though I know you are not there. You are all around, you show up in the most happy times, when we are thinking about you or talking about you.

"You’ll get over it…” It’s the clichés that cause the trouble. To lose someone you love is to alter your life for ever. You don’t get over it because ‘it” is the person you loved. The pain hurts less...but the gap never closes. How could it?...This hole in my heart is in the shape of you and no-one else can fit it."

six years. its crazy how day to day nothing seems to change, but looking back on six years, my how things have changed, the people I've met, the jobs I've held, the relationships I've been in, the new friends I've made, the old friends I've lost, the cars I've bought, the places I've lived, the places I've visited...so many stories, so many memories that I can't share with you. If only you could see me now, part of you might be shocked at the stuff I've done and changed, but I know that deep down you'd be proud and you'd be happy and you'd be supportive. I wish I knew what you would think of all of this, and what you would say to me..if you could be here now. We all wish you could be here now. I never thought I'd miss the sound of someones voice the way I do, the way you answered the phone and we'd always laugh, the way you went down the line of your childrens' names to get to the right one you were trying to talk to or about...your voice, your smell. two of the things I miss most. funny, because you'd think it would be your cooking, but mom has stepped it up a bit... it's crazy how much leb food she cooks these days. maybe it's the house, maybe it's you. It is the house, it is you. maybe it's her way of missing you, cooking like you used to. six years. love you. miss you. thinking of you always.

words. tears. touch.

"never let go of hope. one day you will see that it all has finally come together. what you have always wished for has finally come to be. you will look back and laugh at what has passed and you will ask yourself, 'how did i get through all of that?'" (unknown)

If I can make it through losing friends, losing loved ones, going to college not knowing a single soul, living on my own, paying my bills, buying cars in my name only, then I can make it through this... that funny transition period....that time between ending and starting again, leaving all familiar and entering brand new. stressed? a little bit. hateful, bitter, sad, frustrated? yeah. a bit. sad, longing for how family and friends used to be. frustrated, with myself for feeling this way. feeling this way, I've been here before, felt this before... hated it then, hate it even more now. getting caught up in all the not's and the don't haves, so please...bring on the routines, bring on the full paychecks, I have more life to keep living....

"it's not so much that we're afraid of change or so in love with the old ways, but it's that place in between that we fear . . . it's like being between trapezes. it's linus when his blanket is in the dryer. there's nothing to hold on to." (marilyn ferguson)

After lunch with a friend today I realized I still have a lot of hate inside me. hate that comes topped with disappointment, disbelief, and sadness and I hate it. ha. I hate feeling this way, so many words, so many memories all being bounced and pulled and pushed around inside of me. I hate how I remember certain pety details of my past, I hate how people think they can just tell you how they think you should live your life, oh and wait, and then don't want to be your friend anymore anyways, then keep your fucking opinions to yourself and just stop calling me and hanging out with me, because I have done it that way before. But no lets one up my old friends this time and piss me off, hurt my feelings and then don't hang out or call me anymore. Thanks. And this hate, is not always towards people, its just like this hurt and hate to the world sometimes...I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way, you guys know exactly what I'm talking about it, we just all express it differently. I get bitchy and I cry...I cry for reasons, and I cry for no reasons...simply frustration. But hey, I could be doing more descructive things, so what's the harm in crying sometimes.

The hate will never go away. When there is so much of it? I know this is pretty bitter and negative, but its all about balance right? There will be some days when I just want to cry and be sad, and I need to be. I need you to hold me and love me without judgment without frustration of not knowing why Im crying. At the point of most of my tears, my words are useless. meaningless. There are no words left, I have had discussions and conversations with myself, my mom and whoever else over and over, words are meaningless, tears are all I have to let out...so make me smile when I am sad, make me laugh when I am mad, hold me when I am crying...asking for these things is hard, forgive me.

"We never know what will happen but I believe good things happen every day. I believe good things happen even when bad things happen. And I believe on a happy day like today, we can still feel a little sad. And that’s life, isn’t it?"-the book, Elsewhere

eat.pray.love.

"To lose balance sometimes for love is part of living a balanced
life."- eat pray love

I am inspired. I saw the movie last week and I want to see it again and again, and with a notebook so I can write down all the fabulous lines and quotes and life lessons from it. I want to read the book as well. That will be the next library book I take out for sure...sometime next week perhaps, after school starts and we get settled back into our daily routines. Wouldn't it be something if we all could just take a year off (not all at the same time..ha) and get our heads straight. insert soothing sounds here. so nice. so calm. imagine not talking for hours or days or weeks, just to ourselves in our heads.

My head has been going nonstop since I saw the movie. I am inspired. I am going to write a book about my life. about all the different kinds of love in my life. and how you can love different kinds of people. Maybe that's what I am supposed to do, since going back to school doesn't really sound appealing to me. I shall write a book. love and life and the icky stuff inbetween, the confusions of growing up attracted to many people and not knowing why, the things we do for love, or instant satisfaction and looking back only with regret or shame wondering how we could do such things to our bodies, our hearts, ourselves.

My thoughts are racing, and I am full of motivation and ideas.

"He who does not understand your silence will probably not understand your words."

So I will write my words.

love me at my best, love me more at my worst.

sometimes I can't help but think and worry about things, we all do, and we handle them in different ways, thanks for being so supportive when my mind goes crazy.

ponder these...

"Ask what most people want out of life and the answer is simple; to be happy. Maybe it’s this expectation though, the wanting to be happy that just keeps us from ever getting there. Maybe the more we try to will ourselves to the state of bliss, the more confused we get…to the point where we dont recognize ourselves. Instead we just keep smiling…trying like hell to the be the happy people we wish we were. until eventually it hits us, it’s been there all along…not in our dreams or hopes but in the known. the comfortable. the familiar"- GREYS ANATOMY season 6, 'shiny happy people' episode 22

"Not everything comes along just when we want it. There are times when decisions just have to be made, or you certainly will miss out."

"No relationship is perfect, ever. There are always some ways you have to bend, to compromise, to give something up in order to gain something greater…The love we have for each other is bigger than these small differences. And that’s the key. It’s like a big pie chart, and the love in a relationship has to be the biggest piece. Love can make up for a lot."

"What a strange world this is when you can have as much sex as you like but love is taboo."

whole grain chef boyardee inspired

There are just some things that should be eaten alone ...cantaloupe with ricotta and ham on a cracker? what?? gross.
leave cantaloupe alone, it is splendid by itself...
and Beefaroni chef boyardee...what are you thinking make it whole grain pasta? like that is going to make it more healthy. just leave it alone and let kids be kids!! If you have caring and loving parents that are concerned for your health and well being, having a little crap food when you're a kid won't hurt you. all things in moderation after all right? Its all about parenting skills at this point, there are still plenty of kids that are always on the go, horseback riding here, swimming there...etc, despite all of this technology and surfing the web, kids are still active.

Sure, I'm struggling with my weight, aren't we all in some way or another, but as a responsible adult, we make our own choices, if I wanted to be a huge fat ass, then I would continue to eat the same crap food that was available to me as a child, but I don't want to be that lady on Maury Povich. Sorry if I'm sounding totally rude and heartless, but how do you seriously gain that much weight without doing something about it, UNLESS there is something medically going on... shoot me in the head the day I ever got that big and immobile. Healthy food follows healthy relationships and connections with those who also care about how they feel and what they look like. More importantly though, it's about how you feel.


so let kids be kids, let cantaloupe stand alone, and leave the whole grains to the grown up pasta boxes...there are just some things that should not be messed with. really.

another one being love. let love live. people are going to love who they love no matter what, just let it be. whats so wrong with that?

thanks for reading my crazy antics...leave some love

love. laugh. live.

"when someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth"

I don't make decisions on a whim, I think about them maybe too much, but if I'm passionate about it, I end up doing it, and thank goodness for that, regret..life is too short not to have gotten my eye brow ring without warning to my parents (my mom thought it was fake, my dad thought it was cool), too short not to have gotten my puppy (again without warning to my parents but this time at least I wasn't living at home!ha) too short not to have gotten my tattoo, too short not to have gone away to college without knowing a single soul, too short not to have changed my life for the better...

I no longer surround myself with people who bring me down, and I am continuing to stay positive and move on from thinking about those who no longer think of me, actions speak louder than the words that they will never have the guts to say to me. I cry less, smile more. Talking to friends out of state, seeing my cousins kids run around, smiling of having my own one day, greetings from Russell every time I come home, seeing the numbers go down on the scale, having dinners with you...

I haven't laughed like this in years...day to day you make me laugh that deep belly laugh and so early in the morning, there's nothing better than laughing first thing when you wake, loving my job and being silly, the laughter fills the room at just the right times reminding us that we are working with fragile lovable children, the silly things they do, the noises Russell makes, the way he always lies between us, instant therapy....laughter with loved ones.

Love as long as you live, love yourself first and always because no one will love you like you. Love your family because they are the only family you have, love the work you do and you won't work a day in your life, loving Russell like he's my baby because he is, love yourself, love yourself enough to be good and true to yourself, love yourself and you will find someone who will love you for you and appreciate you.

Love yourself...you will find love in others,
Treat yourself...you will be treated,
Laugh...others will join you,
Appreciate and you will be appreciated.

settle:to sink to the bottom

"living with integrity means: not settling for less than what you know you deserve. asking for what you want and need from others. speaking your truth, even though it might create conflict or tension. behaving in ways that are in harmony with your personal values. making choices based on what you believe, and not what others believe.”~ barbara de angelis

"the minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than what you settled for"

Integrity: adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty. Settle: to gather, collect, or become fixed in a particular place, direction,..to sink to the bottom, as sediment. settle for, to be satisfied with: to settle for less.

I would be engaged if it weren't for you. Not true. I would be engaged if it weren't for me. You, well you just helped make that decision a bit more clear :) when really it was there all along. I was not happy. I was confused, unhappy, stressed to the max, providing, and needing a break already, not even married, not raising my kids yet, only 27 years old. A sensitive guy he was, and maybe that's all that attracted me...it all seems to make sense when you can look back on it. I was settling. Deep down my mom knows too...minus the shock, minus the tears, minus the confusion, I know that she knows I was making a mistake. She also knows I don't go into something without having it rip me apart and going at it from every angle until I just can't take it anymore. I'm not one to make a huge life decision on a whim. Things aren't always as they seem, and people are not always who they say they are. So I've lost a few friends in the process, mostly all from my past, but for what reasons? For the one consistent reason being that I stood up for myself, I took care of myself, I said no to settling, I did not let my life go before my eyes, it was not my routine, it was not my child, it was not my family. And so I don't know any better reason than that.

settle. that's what I've always done. looking back it's so much easier to see than when you're in the middle of it. relationships, I've more or less always settled in relationships thinking that I could never do better or that I could fix them, or that they weren't so bad. Really? What were the gains for me in those relationships? Where were the partnerships, the benefits, the pros instead of the cons...what was I getting out of the relationships. time, money, tears, exhaustion from chasing people who were chasing someone else.

Routines. We are all creatures of habit and routines, I myself would much rather a routine than be "surprised" all the time. I'm too anal and organized to not love my routines. Key word here being "my" routines. In relationships it is so easy to get caught up in someone elses routines, someone elses wants and wishes that we so often forget about ours until its too late, we've since broken up and gone our separate ways...but why can't we both have our routines, our lives and be together. Until now I have not yet known the feeling..routines, you have yours, I am finding mine, and we have our routines together....my money is mine, and yours is yours...that alone is a very big deal. When you buy me a gift, knowing that it is your money and not the money from your allowance you said you never got enough, yet when asked to take over some bills, oh no, you're doing fine, I trust you. Well then if we don't have it, we don't have it. Knowing that I don't have to always pay for things...being treated without my own money, cause really who should I have thanked, you or me for taking me out to dinner if it was our money. Money. It's evil. There is absolutely nothing good about money, if you don't have it, you want it and need it, and when you do have it, you want more of it and you end up wasting half of it on god only knows what. The day I can get back on my feet and pay back my parents, I will be so grateful for, the road seems so long, starting over at square one again. But so grateful now for the people in my life that can and are willing to help me because they love me.

Thank you for treating me, thank you for taking care of me. I hate the loss of control I have sometimes, not being the sole provider and care taker, but on the same hand, am learning to be ok with it. Why don't I deserve someone who can take care of me...and not just with the money, but who will cook dinner without being asked, who will clean, who will go to the store and not fuss, who will tuck me back in to bed after they have convinced me to call in sick because even though I could try and make it, they know I work so hard and could use the day to get back to feeling 100%. Thank you for taking care of me. settling.. I am not.



people pleaser-- it's time to stop worrying about what other people think.

"one day you wake up and think to yourself: "wait a second! this is MY life."
and from that moment on, you begin the journey of loving your own ideas, your own instincts, and your own decisions. and in case you were worried... somehow, miraculously, you still end up nurturing, adoring, and taking care of the people you love. and you still want them to be happy... but you do it effortlessly, and without resentment. you do it because you want to."

gay marriage

"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment."

gays and lesbians have been around just as long as the human race. rules...rules were meant to be broken? who made such silly rules in the first place? obviously the majority of the people, we actually have a say unlike most places in the world, for which we are fortunate to live in such a democracy, but like everything else, we must take the good with the bad. I'm not one for politics nor do I wrap myself up in them...it's not a case of ignorance is bliss by any means, if something major is happening, I'm tuned in, if not well then I'm busy making grand life plans and trying to find some happiness in this crazy world in which we live in. Who wants to watch the news anyways when all it is...bad. highlights of gun shots, death, robbery, anti-gays, anti-blacks, anti-somebody. Now wonder why it's easier to focus so much on the bad, and hardly remember or appreciate the good times. We do it as a society.

The following blurbs are from articles I read on the web today about the Prop 8 in california. good for you! good for the nation! when there is peace in our hearts, we can only hope there will be more peace in the world...open your minds, think with your hearts, not your eyes.



“Moral disapproval alone is an improper basis upon which to deny rights to gay men and lesbians.”

"Ok I need to have someone on the right please tell me how gay marriage affects your life. When you get up in the morning knowing that gay men and woman are allowed to marry how that personally affect you. Does it change the way you conduct yourself? Does it change the way you treat your family? Does it change the way you do your job? Does it change your sexual orientation? What is it about this that is so harmful to you? I am just trying to understand why so much energy is expended trying to change what others are. Do you even know why you feel this way? "

"Let’s see heterosexual marriage what do we have, Divorce at an all time high, Child abuse, Spousal abuse, Child neglect, violence with the home. That’s the way to go. Hopefully gay men and woman can bring back some dignity to marriage. They couldn’t make it any worse. And yes I know there are a lot of happy marriages and good quality home environments. My problem is when heterosexual marriage is touted as the most stable and moral institution on the planet. There’s a lot of dysfunction within these marriages, not always the happy place you think it is. Not saying the gay community doesn’t experience some of the same issue just pointing out we’re not perfect. I will say this it’s been my experience that gay couples make great parents and they raise great kids. That’s more then I can say for some of the traditional couples I have known."

"We have much bigger problems nationally than whether or not a man can marry another man."

"Our hearts are not for each other to judge"

"People will love who they love, no matter what"

"think it can't get any better. it can"

“I miss you when something really good happens, because you were the one I shared it with. I miss you when something is troubling me, because you were the one who understood me so well. I miss you when I laugh and cry because I know that you were the one that made my laughter grow and my tears disappear. I miss you less and less because its been years and years, but still I miss looking back at all the wonderful times we spent with each other;for those were some of the best times of my life.”

Is there someone in your life, maybe not one, or two, but a couple, a few...that you continue to miss, long for, wish you could have those days back, those friendships back with the people you grew up with, the people that "know" you from multiple times in your life?

To those who have walked out on me for one reason or another, some reasons will never be known, I no longer get mad when I hear a song that reminds me of you guys or flip through a photo album and see all of us smiling, I no longer cry knowing that I will never get a phone call back letting me know for good or bad what happened to us, I no longer wish to be a part of your circle of friends. You closed me out, nor do I wish to return. I know that if we were to miraculously return to the way things used to be, it just wouldn't be. Nothing could ever be the same, for the obvious reason that we are all different people now, knowing and experiencing more than we did before. Forgive and forget...not sure I could forgive, and forget...I'm trying so hard to. I am happy now. I am surrounded by people who love me, and people who support me and my lifestyle and the choices I make on a daily basis. I'm surrounded by communicators, listeners, good spirits, people pleasers, out going and genuine. And I have to believe that this is where I should be. This is exactly where I should be.

But you guys don't get the thank you, the wasted thank yous for getting me here, I survived without you. The people who continue to stand by me, those are the people who get thanked, loved and hugged.

Anger, hurt, sadness...not about you guys anymore, why give the satisfaction of all that when I don't know how you feel or what you think or thought, all I know is your actions truly speak louder than any words you didn't have the guts to say to me. But Anger, hurt, and sadness at times when I look at how happy I am, how much healthier I'm eating, how much more I'm smiling and meaning it, and laughing til I cry...(oh how I missed those days and thankful they are back!)and wonder sometimes why did I have to go through so much in such a short time, in a time of my life when I should be having fun, living it up...that's the only time I feel anger, hurt, and sadness. Disappointment.. I am disappointed in the people I once called friends, friends that were my family, the people who knew me in 7th grade or before and then celebrated my college graduation with me... I am disappointed in the people who I thought would be here forever. I should have spent more time with the loved ones that were taken from me, rather than those who left me.

I passed. I am passing. I made it through all the obstacles thrown at me, some longer and harder than others. Time makes things hurt less, but as far as heal, I'm still unsure. I'm not sure I want to be healed of the hurt and sad feelings, for they have a purpose to serve. They keep me going when the next obstacle comes my way, they are there to remind me I am stronger than I know, I am braver, and I don't give up on something I passionately believe in. So Time Heals, no I don't want it to, those wounds are smaller now and not holding me back, but they serve a purpose. Strength, growth, motivation to keep on smiling. New friends, same old family, and new memories, happier times ahead...this is me, take me or leave me.

"take care of yourself"

"I'm not good at goodbyes" "You don't have to be" "ok....thankyou" "you're welcome..go out there and stop obsessing...take care of yourself" "you too, thanks!"

so it has ended. my sessions and extended sessions through lovely fallon health plan has ended. the relationship with my counselor has ended. the relationship with myself...always is to be continued... my responsibility to carry out and remember what we, what I talked about, my feelings on where I've been and how far I've come, the relationships and friendships I have allowed myself to distance from a bit more than when I started these sessions, with less tears, less anger and believe it or not, less sarcasm when talking about them or thinking about them/things. That's just it....I need to stop. Just stop thinking about them, they have stopped long ago, so why can't I? Will I always have some type of obsessive behavior/personality? Just because it is a part of me, it does not have to consume me anymore.

Go out there and stop obessessing she said! It still sounds easier than it is, but she's right. I don't think of myself as a very dramatic person, but very much indeed a sarcastic person with obsessive and compulsive behaviors, with tendencies to hold onto people who just don't want to be held onto, who have moved on without me. Obsession: Compulsive preoccupation with a fixed idea or an unwanted feeling or emotion, often accompanied by symptoms of anxiety.

I can do this. I can continue on this path of re-discovering myself in a healthier and happier way. I'm eating better, I'm exercising, I'm smiling more and meaning it, I'm deep belly laughing, I'm talking (not yelling...as much) about problems/concerns...I can do this. I need to do this, for me. "When you truely know who you are you will fully understand the kind of person you want in your life."

"You've got enemies? GOOD, that means you actually stood up for something in your life."-eminem

She raised a good point when she said that I have my family. I have their support. That is more than most people have, and that is all you need. I think that will stick with me through this. I know it will. There is truly nothing else that is more important to me than my family.

Family: A group of persons sharing common ancestry. but also... “The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life.” Respect:Willingness to show consideration or appreciation

I don't think I have any tears left in me, any anger to keep fighting with myself because that's really the only one I'm fighting with when I "obsess" over people who just don't appreciate me and respect me for who I am. It's a battle I'm just going to have to surrender to, and that's ok. It is ok. I am still smiling, and more happy than I have ever been. Somewhere deep down, I pulled out the courage and strength inside me to stand up for what I believed in, for what I felt in my heart, for what I needed to do for myself... it still amazes me where that all came from, but regretful? not for a second.