Distance

Most days I am better than ok, more than fine, doing alright, no tears, no worries, just doing what I need to do...work, go to the gym, appointments, make dinner and go to sleep....

Then there are other days/nights when I can't seem to fall asleep, or think about anything else but you. and why should I let you continue to occupy the space in my head and more importantly my heart, when you don't have the decency to communicate with me in person, or respond....

Get out of my mind, and more importantly my heart, so it stops hurting. 

Just how good were the really good times anyways, if your heart was maybe already looking else where for those good warm fuzzy feelings and good times....


So I'll make sure to keep my distance.
Say I love you when you're not listening.

Make sure to keep my distance.
Say I love you when you're not listening.

if our life were a book...

this chapter would be communication.

Why is it so hard to tell the people dearest to our hearts, body and soul, our people we just couldn't live without, why is it so hard to tell those people our true and utmost crazy thoughts, dreams, and truths. fear. We fear what they will say, do or think, we fear their absences, and maybe for a spilt second or two we doubt their love for us may not be strong enough to bear what we have to say. We fear their pain, their sadness, we fear we may lose them...

But yet, we speak our minds almost daily with such ease to perfect strangers....getting hyped up in traffic swearing our heads off, throwing gestures, all without a thought, without any fear that the person, the stranger just may retaliate in some way or another.

Communication. without it, forget it. It's not just about the most recent of our conversations either, that I truly do appreciate you for having with me, but our communication on a day to day basis. As you grow up, your views of your family seem to become clearer, yes we were always so close and got along, but there were fights, yelling and more yelling, which seemed to just be a part of our communication.

You have made me aware not only of every single tone I have and use, my sarcasm when maybe I could do without, but thank you for helping me find a calmer tone....me the yeller. you the calmer. who knew. less nitpicking, less assuming and more communication, calmly.

To communicate freely, you must be fearless of the hurt, anger, and sadness words may bring, but open to the unconditional love, strength and closeness the communication will bring...

"She talks to Angels, says they call her out by name...."

Well when you have enough loved ones in the heavens above you...that sounded a bit too religious but you get what I am saying. I remember it like it was yesterday, 11 years ago today, sleeping in my pink walls and pink rug childhood room, home from college for christmas break, just returning from our last family trip (all five of us) from disney on january 3rd, only to experience one of the biggest heartaches a kid should not have to go through. I still remember the sound of your voice down the hall, my youngest brother, tears and cries you can't even imagine. To say the sound was heart wrenching is an understatement. He just turned 13 1 day shy of a month before his godmother, our aunt had passed from her 4 year courageous battle with breast cancer. My three cousins, motherless. There were no words, only tears. I remember the phone ringing, I remember my dad trying to hold back the tears to tell me, I remember my mom was already gone to tell Sittoo with the others. I remember rolling over to face the wall, shutting my eyes, so numb at first that it took a few minutes for tears to start rolling. And the pain. all of the pain I could hear from down the hall and from my other brother across the way.

It's been 11 years. I don't remember your voice, but I do remember your smile. I don't remember your smell, but I do remember how you'd call my mom everyday, even if it was just to say hi. I don't remember your touch, but I do remember the way you walked.

It's been 11 years, eleven years since all of our lives changed, and if somehow you could just let us know you are ok, and that you are watching us, we all know you'd say to be happy, keep going on, don't worry about me, I am rested, pain-free, comfortable. I am living, we are living, but my sadness on this day, I guess is my way of respecting you and what you meant to me, to all of us. Not a day goes by that you are not missed, thought about, or talked about by one of us.

So today, I remember you, we remember you, by being together out at dinner eating a cinnamon roll just for you!

Love and Miss you Auntie, you're all around us...

Oh Hey. 2012.

HAPPY 2012. The world did not end. not yet anyways. so keep on living... like all my friends and people I used to know seem to be doing....everyone is getting married and having babies these days! What's more motivating than that? Happiness and new life, birth, miracles. and all that fun stuff that goes with it. Insert jazz hands, cause I myself am not sure if I am being sarcastic or not right now. ha.



No but on a more serious note, I am happy for those who are getting married, starting new lives as couples, committing to each other, and for those too who have given life to a new little person. It truly is a blessing, and I'm not one to get all religious and whatnot, but for those who can't conceive, or carry on their own, what an amazing thing, power to be able to do so. I can't wait for the day to experience it all.

Until then, I will be busting my ass at the gym. No better day than today. Friday, why not? I haven't been completely slacking in the gym department, but not giving it my all either. I am proud I went last week on my vacation, but I have not been since last Friday. Well that stopped this morning, when I was there by 5:35 and on the treadmill by 5:40am!! Already putting in a mile before 6am!! If that's not good, I don't know what is. And yes I am mad at myself for falling asleep yet again on the couch last night without watching Grey's and Private Practice, but thanks to good ol' dvr, I can catch up on that this weekend. Onto bigger goals, and more important. I plan on losing 20+ pounds by February break.

No new years resolutions. They don't work. Little goals. Little by little. Day by day.

I'm trying, are you?