tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-65289779102407852632024-03-05T19:51:33.270-05:00Reality is Finally Better Than a Dream...Liannehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01769612482710367114noreply@blogger.comBlogger144125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6528977910240785263.post-15069172084529957662016-03-10T21:55:00.001-05:002016-03-11T10:16:55.512-05:00Russell. The boy. My snuggle bunny. My Russ Buss. My Bubs. <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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My Russ Buss Baby Boy has left this beautiful crazy world in which we live. My heart is aching so badly. I loved and still love him so very much, more than I ever thought possible, loving a dog so much, so badly. Ten years of so much love, compassion, cuddles, snuggles and kisses. It's funny how things come full circle. I got him at just two months old in a puppy kennel in Charlton, Ma. Last night, I brought him to a vet (not his usual vet) in Charlton that treated him so gently and kindly. I got Russell on a Wednesday, and he laid to rest on a Wednesday, 6 days shy of exactly ten years. It was a rainy wednesday when I went to go pick up that shy runt of the litter; ten years later, it was the most beautiful sunny day. I like to believe that it's a reflection on my time with him. </div>
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I got him ten years ago because I couldn't stand people anymore. My friend Mary at the time, had a dog and I was like why not, let's go get me a dog. People know that if I want to do something, I'll do it, and that's exactly what I did. He was born for me...to comfort me, save me and love me like crazy at all the right times in my life. It was me and him for a really long time. Bittersweet... that rainy day turned into ten years of pure puppy love. ⅓ of my life, and 1-3 was his birthdate! The most beautiful sunny day yesterday where he spent most all of the day on his spot on the front porch of his "retirement home," laying on his favorite cushion and brown blanket with his squirrel and some other fabric chewies he loved, walking around freely in the front fenced in yard, his yard, laying in the grass, sunbathing one last time which he loved to do. </div>
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Last night, I took Russell for his last few short walks, last car ride, last steak and peanut butter and chex mix dinner...he laid to rest peacefully and pain free. I held him in my arms til the sleepy meds kicked in and they kicked in fast. He snuggled with me one last time as his little tongue stuck out and his drool soaked my pink t-shirt sleeve. I kept rubbing his belly, petting his soft curly white fur, telling him how much I loved him, telling him he was the best boy, and thanked him for loving me so much. </div>
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He had been having body shakes and tremors for awhile now, even just when he went out to pee, he shook like crazy some days. He lost most all of his hair on his back, (I kept his sweater on him last night to keep him as comfortable as possible, as he laid on the brown blanket I brought with us too), he would lick himself in different parts of his body til the skin was so raw. He had dealt with skin scabs and issues for years, so much that I changed his diet to grain free and would only give him chex mix as snacks, which he loved! There was nothing anyone could do, no vet could do either besides keep him on expensive medicines for who knows how much longer. He had to have been so itchy and uncomfortable some days, he even peed his bed a few times. I couldn't have him suffer. It was something I had been thinking about and dealing with in my own way for a couple of weeks now. It was time to let me best dog in the world go run free forever. </div>
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I just have to remember that he had a great life, endless walks, bunny and squirrel chases, attempts to go swimming in the lake at his first home, beach house vacations in Maine, endless car rides breathing in the fresh air with his nose pressed up against the open window, treats, and lots of love around him. </div>
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This morning was like no other, such an empty feeling of not seeing him in his room laying all curled up in his bed with the blanket hanging off cause he circled and circled around pushing the blanket around with his cute little paws, doing the side swipe I loved watching him do to get comfortable. His head didn't pop up this morning to look at me once he heard me get up out of bed. He wasn't there but I looked anyways. I sat out on the front steps, opening the front door except he wasn't there to follow me out. I bawled my eyes out and talked to Nonna up there in heaven with my Russell. I told her to take care of him, love him like I know she loved her puppies, and feed him anything she want out of her pink backpack like she always had at the beach in the Cape with her so she could feed Bella and Sam left over dinners of seafood or whatever else she had. I know she'll love him like crazy for me. </div>
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I have had a lot of loss, I told the vet last night, but nothing quite like this, as I held my hopeless sweet bubs in my arms. The vet said, of course you haven't, he relied on you and depended on you to take care of him and love him. He helped me get him up onto his brown blanket one last time as he injected this pink medicine into his body, checked his heart beat as I kept rubbing him with my head on his head telling him so badly how much I love him. Mama loves you so much Russell. The vet said his heartbeat was gone. I heard the words but it wasn't real, and looked up at him with tearful eyes saying, he's gone? He said a quiet yes and left me in the room to continue to say goodbye to my baby boy. I reached in one of the drawers and cut off some of his curly white soft fur and wrapped it up to keep in my purse. No heart beat but so warm still. I have never witnessed anything like it, never witnessed death til the very very end. </div>
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I know he knows how much I loved him, and he loved me so very much. He had such a great life, and I loved being his mama every single day. This morning as I turned back home from attempting to go to work this morning, but rather taking a much needed personal day, I took his leftover Chex mix treats and drove the walk we did together around the lake, dumping out chex mix all along the way. After I ate some this morning in his honor. I'm not getting his ashes back, but that's ok. I am getting his paw print from the vet in the mail, and can not wait for that! I have decided to make my own memorial to him. I am going to buy a big blue planter and fill it with some fake beautiful flowers, a painted rock with his name in white paint and his paw print. It will go in the right corner of the yard where he loved to go pee and poop. Oh the boy, my Russ buss, how I love and miss you so much. There are no words for the way I feel. I am very grateful I have so much love and support and of course pictures and videos to reflect on. </div>
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He had been in my life for so many different things and obstacles, he was always there when I needed him. He helped me in so many different ways. </div>
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"I know how hard it is to have to say goodbye to someone who saved your life, showed you what unconditional love is, who never got mad at you and was the best friend you could ever have! You're heart will be sad for a long time. But in time the thoughts that make you sad will turn to ones that make you smile."</div>
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"It's like he wanted to make sure you were happy in your life before he had to go..." </div>
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"And he'll always be a part of you, watching over you, and loving you for making that decision for him so he would be comforted. He had a great life of walks, playing at the beach, jumping around the yard, and loving you..."</div>
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"such a sweet beautiful boy"</div>
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"He was a good boy and you were an even better mommy"</div>
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I saw a license plate today that said 1MA 136... 136 is his birthday. I was first a mama to him, it was like he was letting me know he was ok. </div>
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Hopefully some day real soon I will be a mama to a two legged love. </div>
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Rest peacefully My Russ Buss. </div>
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Mama loves you so very much. </div>
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1.3.06 - 3.9.16</div>
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<br /><div class="blogger-post-footer">Thanks for reading, Lianne</div>Liannehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01769612482710367114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6528977910240785263.post-59208556765927414262015-01-20T17:37:00.001-05:002015-01-20T22:56:42.194-05:00Missy Monday's married style!On this edition of Missy Monday's... It is Tuesday haha...but oh well.<div><br></div><div>A month today... And the countup, not countdown continues :-) Our first month of marriage today! And although we would prefer to still be in Florida on our amazing honeymoon, since our heat isn't working out the best way possible right now, it's been quite the month! Quite the short 15 months we have been together, in the big scheme of life! She is my bestfriend, my motivator, my partner, my support, my love!! <div><br></div><div>There is no one I would rather spend these adventures with, whether it be dangling from a zipline as you record me, boot camping it in downpouring rain while putting our shed together, or trudging up in the attic!! </div><div><br></div><div>I am so excited to see what month two may bring! One day at a time as you remind me daily and help me and mostly my mind continue to grasp that concept! </div><div><br></div><div>I find peace in your touch, strength in your struggle, happiness in your hugs, and love in your kisses! </div><div><br></div><div>Cheers to more cribbage games, the gas heater hopefully costing us way less money when we finally get to use it, and other every day adventures with you next month!!!!! </div><div><br></div><div>Short and sweet just like us!</div><div><br></div><div>I love you Goysband!!!!! </div></div><div class="blogger-post-footer">Thanks for reading, Lianne</div>Liannehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01769612482710367114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6528977910240785263.post-75179148322863756272015-01-16T19:30:00.000-05:002015-01-20T17:39:13.466-05:00Love is what keeps us going...14 years ago this very week, we laid you to rest, and our lives were changed forever. The day we laid you to rest, still in shock you were really gone, was Tuesday January 16th, 2001. Weird that this year, this week, it was the day you died, tuesday the 13th. <br />
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You courageously stopped fighting your battle with breast cancer on Tuesday January 13, 2001, at a young age of 51 years old, just three months shy to the day of what would have been your 52nd birthday! I was just a baby, barely 18 years old and starting my second semester of college. You were just a baby yourself, 51 is so young!<br />
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I should have been back to college already the weekend you passed, and on January 16th, the day of your burial services, would have been the first night of my Psychology Death and Dying class, which obviously I missed, and headed back to school later in the week. So weird, the way the universe works. Really? great timing for my death and dying class!! Thank goodness it was only one night a week; it was a rough one as any one could have imagined! I got by with the help of my friend Ryan who was in the class and also lived down the hall from me. I had many other support systems while away from my family, which I am very thankful. Who knew your passing would mark the beginning of our family's nightmares and losses for the next seven years... hitting us hard with too many too soon in just a short four years, and then taking your husband, my uncle, away from us in 2007. With every ending, there are many beginnings...your girls got married, started having children, other cousins were getting married, photos were being taken, moments treasured, people and relationships changing. We all deal with death in our own ways, no way being right or wrong. Regardless of how we dealt with all the loss around us individually, I think it brought us closer together as an extended family, even if it was just for a few short years.<br />
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January 13, 2007... six years after your passing, I got my first tattoo, in your honor. I have a way of doing things and putting a spin on it, so my family will approve I guess or I think anyways!! (like naming my dog Russell after my Sittoo! haha) I dragged my little brother to come with me for support. It was so freshly done, still covered with a bandage for the memorial service at the church for you. I remember it like it was yesterday... I was showing it off after church, at auntie's house where we had a brunch get together. My mom thought, "it's bigger than I thought, but I like it!" It was just perfect. A red ladybug with a halo over it and on my right shoulder, always looking out for me.<br />
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Lady bugs mean different things to many people, some consider them a nousance when their house is invested, others think of them as a blessing, and when you see them not in their usual seasons, maybe a lost loved one. I've told the story time and time again, we all have. My aunt in North Carolina saw a couple of lady bugs about a year after, or maybe it was a month after, her sister's passing and thought it was he<span style="font-family: inherit;">r and her dad, who she lost at nine years old. That's all it took, then a few of us up here in New England saw the</span>m slowly throughout our homes... random ones, by themselves. We were hooked, and you will find many different lady bug figurines, ceramics, towels, candles and whatnot in all of our homes. Whatever it may be that helps you get through your tough times, ours are ladybugs!<br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Ladybug showing up in ones life foretells a time of luck and protection.</span></span><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #050504; line-height: 28.7999992370605px;">Seen often as a messenger of promise, the ladybug reconnects us with the joy of living. Fear and joy can not co-exist. We need to release our fears and return to love - this is one of the messages that the ladybug brings to us. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #050504; line-height: 28.7999992370605px;">Ladybug teaches us how to restore our trust and faith in the great spirit. When the ladybug appears, it is telling us to get out of our own way and allow the great spirit to enter into our lives. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #050504; line-height: 28.7999992370605px;">The ladybug is also one of the few beetles that are well liked by humans. Unlike other beetles, the ladybug brings a feeling of joy to us. Its small size signifies a delicate and loving nature. It portrays the energy of harmlessness and can show us how to stop self harm.</span></span></blockquote>
Fourteen years... fourteen years is a long time, a year is a long time, 30 seconds is a long time some days!! I was SUCH a baby, 18 years old, and looking back now, not sure what I was doing, who I was becoming...just trying to find my way, ANY way really, like a typical 18 year old in her first year of college, I'd like to think. what happened in the later years well I'm not too sure. I've always said, some people do drugs, some people further their education/degrees, some people look for love in all the wrong places. But as I also always say, what's done is done and we learn and grow from our past mistakes. I also wouldn't be the person I am today having not grown stronger from those experiences!<br />
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As I was driving to work this morning, the sky had such a quiet wintery cold feeling to it. However, the bright band of yellow brushed the sky where the sun was coming up over the lake on the mass pike! You couldn't see the sun, but by the bold yellow color lighting up that part of the sky, you knew the sun was there! I immediately thought of you and maybe you were with me in that very moment, somewhere i couldn't see you, but your presence was beaming over us in that beautiful yellow coloring above. It was a picture I wise I could have captured. </div>
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There is never a day that goes by when I don't wish you, among all the others I have lost, were here. My high school graduation party at your house and Thanksgiving... a couple of the very last family celebrations you shared with us. Such a long long time ago!!! A lot has happened in fourteen years! A lot has happened in a year! Life is far too precious to not do what you love and love who you love. The only constant thing in life is change, and the only guarantee in life is death... So it may have taken me fourteen years to get here, but I'm here! I found someone who wants to spend the rest of their life with me no matter how short or long that may be; no matter how tough or easy that may be; no matter what through sickness and health, just like your husband did for you! <span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"> I'm happy I never gave up the fight! </span><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">I never gave up this crazy fight we call life. It beats the alternative, right??. The scary unknown... The otherside... The heaven that everyone wants to go to but they are too afraid of dying!!! I'm happy that no matter how bad it was, I kept on going! You have to put up with the rain to see the rainbows!! </span><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue Light, HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">If I have learned anything this past year, these past fourteen years... is that I am stronger than I ever given myself credit for, I am worthy of love, happiness and great things /people that come my way, and to keep it simple! We are not promised tomorrows so make todays count! </span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"> "Do you love her?" "Yes!" "Does she make you happy?" "Yes!!" "Then what else is there?"</span></div>
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<div class="blogger-post-footer">Thanks for reading, Lianne</div>Liannehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01769612482710367114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6528977910240785263.post-50728312655558662122015-01-12T22:28:00.003-05:002015-01-12T22:28:53.514-05:00Missy Mondays are back.. Married editions :)on this edition of Missy Monday... we are MARRIED!!!!! incase you didn't get the memo on any other social media network/website, or my last post about our wedding, hahaha. Today was a good day! A happy Monday. I didn't let anyone get to me at work, quite frankly, I've just been doing my work and minding my own. Today is 12 day! the 12th of January or also known as 13 months since Miss asked me to marry her!!!!! And I of course said YES! (Sorry Carmen, but there will always be countdowns or count reversals to something! hhaha.)<div>
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This past weekend was just a really, relaxing, fun, low-key weekend and it felt great!! The first weekend in our home married, enjoying each other and just being in our home! We own a home and we are married!!! It's still so surreal sometimes!! A year can bring such wonderful things you weren't even looking for, which makes them a zillion times better!!!!! Good things do happen to good people, you just can't go looking for it all the time, or it will drive you nuts! Love just happens, Life happens and my life is AMAZING!! </div>
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It's cold, snowy, rainy, and colder than it has to be since electric heat is ridiculously priced, we are winging it with our little space heaters until our gas heater arrives. The old Lianne would be so negative or worrisome about every little thing, but I am so loving this country life! We even played some cribbage this weekend with the patriots cribbage board I bought and gave to her on our wedding day! Best out of three, she won, but I did win the first game, beginners luck, but I did have a big 17 move in one of my turns!! Oh yeah. haha. It's the little things like this weekend that make life worth it. It's playing cribbage, going to church (being put on the spot by your pastor announcing to people gathering for coffee hour that we have newlyweds in the house, it was sweet), going shopping, coming home and eating dinner at home, packing up your lunch for work the next day, taking vitamins...etc. Life is so good. </div>
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It's also about accomplishing some really big personal goals. Being sober for 365+ days! A week ago tomorrow, I received my first year coin/chip!!! A huge accomplishment, I never thought about doing, ever. It is something I needed to do and I did. I am doing it every day, choosing to make the best choices for me, despite the social pressures in the world to drink! You change your playmates and playgrounds, and you start hanging around the people who share similar interests. The people with crazier drinking stories than you, but who are some of the most normal people you have ever met. People you look forward to being around, people who are knowledgable about home improvement tasks, people who genuinely care about your best interests and wanting to help you improve your life, etc. Miss drove me to work last week on coin day, and she kept a secret from me, but it was awesome. The two of us went to the meeting, and saw everyone after having not been there for a couple weeks because of our honeymoon. They welcomed us back with open arms of course. Smiles and happiness, and surprises when my brother walked in the room!! My brother, my parents, and a cake that said "Congratulations Lianne" in purple icing, buttercream frosting and rainbow colored circles around the top of the marble cake. I was so surprised to see him there, and even more surprised that Miss knew and didn't tell me! I got two shout outs during the meeting about celebrating Lianne's one year, and how it was a special night! The feeling is indescribable, and even more so when the man who I asked to give me my chip, got up and spoke about me. To be honest, I didn't know what he would say, but he nailed it, bringing us both to be a little choked up. He didn't know when and how we became more than meeting peers, but friends, and even friends on the book, but it just happened and he said he was honored to be a part of my journey and see how far I have come. "she's a newlywed, a homeowner... and she got her smile back" I sure did! I was blotting my tears in the corner of my eyes, smiling so big, everyone clapping and I was walking up there to receive my one year chip that I certainly did earn! I gave him a great big hug, and blew out my 1 candle on the cake, and then my turn to talk. No matter how comfortable I feel in that room, it's still a little intimidating with all eyes on you! "Hi my name is Lianne, I'm an alcoholic...I want to thank everyone in this room for their support, I'm not sure how I got here, well yes I do know how I got here, I changed my playmates and playgrounds like people in here suggested. I'll never forget the first day I came to this meeting, my first AA meeting, it was April Fools Day. (Maybe it's a reminder of all the foolish stuff I did when I was drinking) and the first few times I was just Hi my name is Lianne, but then hey why not, my stories weren't as crazy as some of you in here, but if you always compare yourself to others, then nothing is ever going to be bad for yourself, because there is always something worse out there, or always someone who has it worse than you, but it's not about that.. it's about knowing your own rock bottom, knowing your own worst, not anyone else's. It wasn't easy.. I think everyone should come to an AA meeting, because you crazy people are the most normal people I know! This is the best free therapy I have and will ever get. Thank you..." Something along those lines is what I shared, received my hugs, and then cut some cake!! Not that I like to see my parents choked up, but it was nice to see that they were really proud of me. And as I told Miss on the way to the meeting, it was like I was more excited for this meeting than a dance recital! But then when I saw my brother, I was like this really is better than a dance recital and being the center of attention on stage, because my brother(s) never went to any of my dance recitals, and here he was, one of them anyways! </div>
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And for my wife better known as my goysband, Missy, my life, my best friend, my soul mate, my forever... I will continue to say it as long as I live... You are my reason! You saved me from myself! I am going to love you all the days of my life. </div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">Thanks for reading, Lianne</div>Liannehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01769612482710367114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6528977910240785263.post-20811007024333143042014-12-21T21:30:00.000-05:002014-12-25T01:20:14.550-05:00OUR WEDDING!!!!! 12.20.14 had FINALLY arrived!!!!!<div class="MsoNormal">
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could have ever dreamt. Rehearsal dinner was so bittersweet, at the house I
grew up in for 17+ years. I was going out with a bang! We took care of all last
minute errands Friday morning, including bringing Russell to the kennel; our
car packed to the max, with the best “woman” in the back seat with the trash on
her lap! The things you do for your friends! We grabbed a complimentary lunch
at IHOP before taking off to the bank and a few other pit stops, including my
parents house where my dad greeted Miss with a great big smile and said to her,
“you still have time!” I turned my head and was in disbelief and laughter, “did
he really say that?” “Dad! I’m your daughter!” as laughter filled the
kitchen!!! <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">We met her parents to set up for the rehearsal
dinner, and off to the hall where we met the others to do a real dress
rehearsal of the big day, One of our biggest reliefs was that the hall was not
rented out the night before and we could get in there to do a practice run and
more importantly set up the place! Ahhh, It was just the beginning! Everything
was falling into place. The ring bearer and flower girl were running around the
dance floor getting acquainted with the place, while family talked amongst
themselves and we met with the manager of the hall to go over just a few last
minute details. We did a few practice walks down the aisle with my parents.
Mikie, her brother, wanted to practice the whole ceremony speech, which was
perfect because it was the first time our families and bridesmaids heard the
script, nice and intimate before the big day! And off to the delicious pasta
and meat sauce dinner we went!! So much food as always, and of course many
laughs, and tears to follow when we passed out cards of thanks to our parents,
siblings and bridesmaids. It was great. A great pregame show! Then, the moment
Miss and I had been waiting for, well one of the moments anyways… the set up!
We had so much help loading and unloading everything in and out of the cars,
the hall, and voila, onto the tables!!!!! I of course had to go around to every
table and tweek things just like I had it pictured in my head, while Miss was
directing and helping others. Everything was just so perfectly put together and
it came out great. Lights hung and lit around the small cake table to the right
of the head table. The blue garland hung just so even though we were worrying
about how it was going to hold up with no clips since they were too small for
the table. Michelle, my MOH and her husband figured it out and it looked
beautiful. The garland wrapped around the bridesmaids framed pictures of them
and us, the mason jars filled with blue and clear beads for them to place their
rainbow swirled lollipop “bouquet” in after the ceremony, our “Tis the season
to be married” sign with our wedding date, our patriots toasting glasses, and
the rainbow Christmas lights stringing along the floor tucked under the white
table skirt for the perfect twinkle!! Oh and Buddy the elf all ready for his
big debut with his sign hung around his neck with his brand new patriots
lanyard!!! The front of the hall, the main entrance at the top of the stairs
was beautiful to see as we walked out of the hall, just the two of us, after
sending everyone home for the night! We sat at the head table and looked out
into the sea of empty chairs, white snowman painted and blue love painted wine
bottles, our table numbers with a picture of each of us at the age of that
certain number table… taking it all in, imagining who was sitting where and
what it would be like with everyone we love, everyone who loves us, in one
room!!! I am the luckiest girl in the world!!!!! We were back to the hotel by
10 or so and honestly I don’t know how I fell asleep, I was soo excited for our
wedding day! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">I rolled over to see that she had been up for a
little while, 12-20-14 had FINALLY arrived!!!!! As soon as I was awake, and
rolled over, Miss started belting out with her headphones she already had on,
to an Andy Grammer song!!! Hahaha. I guess I rub off on her too, after seeing
him at the Acoustic Christmas show! Pure excitement just filled our hotel room
and TODAY WAS THE DAY! OUR DAY! The day we have been planning for the past
year! We had breakfast together in the hotel, came back upstairs to get my wedding
day bag, and I kissed my fiancé goodbye for the last time as my fiancé. “The
next time you see me Bebs, I’ll be in my white dress!” She took pictures of me
as I walked down the hall to go to my aunts house, where I met the girls and
our moms, and my two aunts who did our hair!! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">My mom was already getting her hair done, and the
breakfast spread on the kitchen table was ready for us to dig into! Coffee, OJ,
bagels, Danish ring, Fig squares (in honor of my Sittoo), fruit salad, hard
boiled eggs, cheeses and Italian cold cut meats, and a surprise edible
arrangement box of chocolate covered fruit as well. It looked beautiful and
Michelle was sure to take pictures up close and personal, but not just of the
food, of us too of course. My hair was set in curlers for over an hour while
everyone else got their hair done. Carmen, Miss’ MOH came with my beautiful
bouquet and a card that said To Lianne, My Bride!! I laughed and I cried as I
read it from my soon to be wife, inside were five scratch tickets and even a
penny, a 2013 penny that I failed to notice. The year we met, 2013! She thinks
of every little detail possible!! I am so in love, and I love the way she loves
me. We texted all morning until Carmen asked me to stop texting her! Haha. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Auntie Chris and Denise did an amazing job.
Everyone looked amazing and we weren’t even in our dresses yet! Then it was my
turn, round two. 11:40am sitting in the chair in my aunts hair room taking it
all in, as Addy the flower girl, was sitting next to me in the other chair
getting her hair curled sitting so still and giggling with her cousins, such an
infectious laugh, every now and then glancing over at me through the mirror
watching my curls being pinned ever gently. I could hear the rooms behind me
filled with people I love and just speechless, which we all know is not a
common trait of mine. Checking the clock, smiling for the camera, saying hello
to cousins and my dad, and waiting for the photographers to show. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Right on the dot, 12:15pm, they walked through the
doors to the hair room where I was still getting final touches. Introductions
made and onto business they went! I caught a glimpse of them hanging my dress
with my Mrs. Foster wooden hanger with a blue ribbon bow on my aunt’s double
glass doors, and they took my blue ballet flats, and my rainbow bouquet of five
perfectly dyed roses with baby’s breath and greenery for some more pictures I
can’t wait to see! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">I loved my hair! It was exactly how I wanted it!!
The veil below the curls! It was just breath taking. When I snuck in the
bathroom before getting dressed, I did a secret happy dance, brushed my teeth
and stared into the mirror one last time by myself! Showtime!!!!! I walked out
to the girls, and Kristie, my cousin and bridesmaid, laced the last half of my
dress up while they watched. Ready to go! The dress fit even more perfectly
than I remembered at my last fitting! “Get my dad!” I couldn’t wait any longer
to see his face! I was in the front room of Auntie’s house, standing off to the
side of her Christmas tree, and around the corner he came. “wait wait wait!!!
I’m not ready,” the photographer said! Haha…Oops! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">My dad came walking around the corner, through the
opened glass double doors, I believe mumbling something like where’s my
daughter, but to be honest, I can’t remember because that moment was just so
precious. I’m his one and only daughter and I was standing in front of him in
my wedding dress on my special wedding day, just hours away from marrying the
person of my dreams! We hugged and he instantly started crying. We hugged some
more and I started tearing up, as did my mom, my cousin and I think even
Michelle. My dad walked away to take a minute and came back and looked out the
window saying some silly comment about the weather to try and put himself together
without all eyes on him crying. It was an incredible feeling, my words don’t do
it justice. A few family pictures were taken, me and my parents and me and my
brothers, and me with the bridal party and flower girl. I was getting a little
antsy and started asking what time it was, I knew it had to be past 1:00 and my
Broom was waiting for me at the photo spot down the street! “Ok, let’s move it
out, Miss is wondering where I am!!” Haha. Into the minivan I went with the
help of my mom, and two bridesmaids. We pulled up to where I would be walking
out to meet Miss and they hid me in the car, taking extra precaution, pulling
up the sun screen on the already tinted window and wrapping a scarf around the
top of me so Miss had no way of peeking in, not like she would have anyways,
but just to be safe!!!!! They got me all situated and out of the van as soon as
they saw Miss was in position and the photographers were ready for me! I walked
over to Miss, just seeing her backside, smiling so big but she couldn’t see me
yet! When I got a little closer, taking direction from the photographers, we
said “hi bebs,” I told her not to look! She said, “I can’t see but I can hear
that giggle!!!” She turned to see me and the look on her face was again better
than anything I could have pictured. She was in aw and so was I!! Her handsome
royal blue shirt, silver tie with tie clip and all, grey golf shorts (not her
usual cargo shorts, haha) and her bright blue sneakers to match her shirt, I
wouldn’t have her any other way!!!!! She’s my GOY! She said I looked absolutely
beautiful and I just remember her looking at me, staring at me all over and
saying WOW!! I’m not sure what she had pictured me to look like on this very
day, in this very moment, but I think by the look on her face, it far exceeded
her expectations!! Every last detail right down to my hair and earrings and one
silky side of my dress, she MORE than APPROVED!! HAHA. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I did not want to stop kissing her!!!!! It
was AWESOME!!!!!!!!!! Another moment we had been waiting for had finally
arrived!!! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Our families headed back over toward us and it was
time to start taking pictures!!!!! It was so cool hearing people drive by
honking their horns for us, while we listened to the photographer’s direction.
Her name was Robin and she was great! We started off with my family photos
first because it is smaller than hers. I couldn’t stop smiling and it had only
just begun! It was so great and I was on my pink cloud, not letting the cold
weather bother me! It could have been worse, like rain or wet snow. So even
though snow would have been cool in some pictures, it was quite all right
without the hassle of shoveling out the gazebo or worrying even more about
frost bite! Haha. The cold weather made it a bit more organized, pictures being
taken by some while others were warming up with coats on or near the gas heater
Miss had thought of bringing which was a good idea. A good idea right up until
our poor little ring bearer, our nephew stuck his hand on it, burning it so bad
that it turned black instantly! The paramedics and police came within a matter
of minutes, and soon enough the hectic panic was over. He is such a strong
little boy, barely cried in pain!! We took a few pictures afterwards, finishing
up with us and our bridal party! I am excited to see all of them, especially
the ones with them licking their lollipops and being silly, our big one with
both families, and the one with our flower girl and ring bearer holding up a
frame with the wedding party posed through the frame!! It was just an awesome
time, even if I couldn’t feel my pinky fingers towards the end of it! And a
little bridal trot to the car to warm up, and off to the Ceremony we went!!!!! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">We all hid in the room downstairs to wait for last
minute arrivals of our guests. I was practicing twirling with Addy on the
smaller dance floor in the room we were in, and had to use the bathroom a few
times with the help of my mom and MOH haha. It went much better than I thought,
incase you were wondering! Haa. It was almost show time. A quick reminder of
who was standing where, to walk in to their spots, and before I knew it, I was
walking up the stairs, seeing Miss ahead of me. She kept looking back and just
smiling soo very big at me, as I was to her too! I was only to the top of the first
flight of stairs, with my parents, and I was already starting to get teary
eyed! Cue the music…my brothers walked in, Miss’ parents, then Miss and Mikie,
who married us. And the ladies…Kimmy, Dawn, Kristie, Carmen, and Michelle, all
before the cutest ring bearer and flower girl, who threw rainbow colored
pom-poms instead of flowers, while the ring bearer held fake rings in a little blue and
white nerf football! They were adorable! Before I snuck through the doors to
help them out, I had to wipe away my tears. I couldn’t help but get a little
teary eyed the very second I heard the entrance song, “She’s Everything” by
Brad Paisley. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">She's the giver I wish I could be<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">And the stealer of the covers<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">She's a picture in my wallet<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">and my unborn children's mother<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">She's the hand that I'm holding<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">When I'm on my knees and praying<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">She's the answer to my prayer<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">And she's the song that I'm playing<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">She's the voice I love to hear<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">Someday when I'm ninety<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">She's that wooden rocking chair<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">I want rocking right beside me<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">Everyday that passes<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">I only love her more<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">Yeah, she's the one<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">That I'd lay down my own life for<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">And she's everything I ever wanted<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">And everything I need<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">She's everything to me<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">Yeah she's everything to me<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">Everything I ever wanted<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">And everything I need<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">She's everything to me<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">We have been
listening to this song and so many others for over a year, and this time was
finally here! It was surreal, literally took my breath away. Her sister’s
husband strung the guitar for my bridal march, and we were off! My mom on my
right arm, and my dad on my left, due to his hurt shoulder, with the music in
the background, and seeing a few people as I came to the center of the dance
floor to head down to my Broom (Groom with a B, for bride, but since she’s more
of a boy hah, she’s my BROOM!), then it was all eyes on her. The walk was nice
and slow, with laughs and the biggest smiles ever!!! Hugs and kisses for both
of us from my parents, and there we were, holding hands in a room full of
people that we love and love us! The ceremony was absolutely perfect, a few
stumbles, a few laughs, and me holding in the tears while Nick read “Soul
mates” and Anthony read “Blessing of the Hands.” People laughed just as we
hoped when we wrote for poorer or poorer instead of for richer or poorer, and
about 8 minutes or so after I walked down the aisle to my Broom, we were
pronounced two fruitcakes wrapped in tinsel for life!!! Miss high fived her
brother, and kissed her Bride!!! I grabbed my flowers and fist pumped with them
down the aisle to the song “Best day of my life!” After the ceremony, we went
downstairs and outside, for a few private moments to ourselves as the new Mrs.
And Mrs. The photographer met us outside for some shots with our props for
pictures of the two of us while cocktail hour was going on! It was so much
fun!! And then back inside for more private time, while we waited for the
wedding party to come back and join us so we could line up for introductions
into the reception!!! High fives, hugs and kisses all around!!!!! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">Step into Christmas by
Elton John, as our parents and bridesmaids got introduced jingling their jingle
bells!! We shut the door so no one could see us, as they played “All I want for
Christmas” by Mariah Carey….slow down the music a little and announced, for the
first time Missy and Lianne…..IT WAS AWESOME! So AWESOME that we couldn’t open
the doors, we were pounding on the door, because apparently it locked when we
shut it all the way, so no one would see SANTA CLAUS coming out!!!!!!! Miss was
dressed up as Santa and I had reindeer antlers on! It was SO PERFECT!!! PEOPLE
LOVED IT! And her side, didn’t expect anything less! Hahahaha. We rocked out
with the wedding party, while Miss took off the suit, and put on her decked out
boot with a Christmas stocking on it, which of course she kept on the rest of
the night, and for our first dance!! First dance as Mrs. And Mrs. To our boy’s
song, “Mean to Me,” by Brett Eldridge. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">If I could be the reason your hair's a mess,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">The bass drum beatin way down deep in your chest,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">If I could be the voice on your radio,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">Then I could be your long ride home.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">If mine could be the name that changes yours,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">The wine in your glass,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">The swing on your porch,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">The dollar in your pocket,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">And the peaceful in your sleep,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">Then I'd be what you mean to me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">Standing here, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">Watching you,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">Turning every head in this crowded room,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">The lights down low,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">Dancin slow,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">Oh, if falling's how you feel, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">And perfect is what you see,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">Then I'd be what you mean to me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">We did a few dance
steps and twirls like we had practiced, and our eyes never left each others. After
our first dance was our MOH’s speeches. Michelle and Carmen nailed them! They
were perfect and they both made me cry! Michelle ended it with my blog title
and Carmen ended it with Miss’s favorite word in the Navajo language, which
means thank you! It was AWESOME! They are awesome awesome people and our
friendships mean the world to both of us!! Bring on Turkey Dinnah!! When it did
arrive, it was absolutely perfection…mashed potatoes with gravy, ham, turkey,
stuffing with gravy and green beans, with a salad and fruit cup before all that
was delicious!!! Family style, so we had to mingle and pass it around, like
sitting at a dinner table! Carmen and a few others waited on us while we sat
and took it all in, wearing our ladybug and superman bibs sewn by Auntie
Dianne! People were coming up to us and congratulating us and taking pictures
with us already! It was FANTASTIC!!! Nothing to be nervous about AT ALL!
Michelle was sure to switch out the wine toasts for us too!! The water was just
enough. I only had a few sips of soda before the reception! Like I said,
nothing to be nervous about at all! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">Father daughter dance
was teary eyed, my dad and I were both in tears and just kept saying I love you
and I’m glad you are happy! We danced to “My little girl” by Tim Mcgraw, and then
of course a minute 40 seconds into it, “Brick House” came on, and dad’s
shoulder sling came off! Haha. Still being very careful of his shoulder, it was
an awesome time!!! Our wedding dance classic song to dance to so of course we
had to on my very own wedding day! Then it was Miss’ turn… a surprise she had
kept from me for about a month! Her dance with her family, her brother,
sisters, their spouses, and her 9 nieces and nephews all lined up for Cotton
Eyed Joe, and a choreographed dance they had practiced, all in different
states, with the help of youtube!!! IT WAS GREAT!!! SOO FUN! I was VERY
IMPRESSED by her dancing ability especially to remember all the dance moves! The
dance floor was officially opened, and it was NEVER empty throughout the ENTIRE
evening, including Limbo, which happened a little later in the evening! Limbo
lasted for about 2 and a half songs, I can not wait to see the pictures of
that. It was the last thing the photographer captured before ending her night
with us. Oh and the cake was absolutely perfect. Sitting like a box of white
presents (buttercream frosting) tied in royal blue ribbon bow, with our Santa
and Ballerina cake toppers on the front of the sled, the cake display holder,
with snowflakes as extra décor around the table! It was perfect!!!!!!!! So very
cute and very much delicious too, especially when Miss smooshed it in my face
and it went up my nose a little bit! We smooshed eachothers face at the same
time!! Haha, ever since my mom gave her permission back in September, she has
been waiting for it!! But she was gentle so it’s all good. We made it around to
every table too with plenty of time to dance it up on the dance floor with
friends, cousins and other family members. Everyone had a really great time!!
They loved our photo booth, our sign in selfies, Buddy the elf cut out, rainbow
lollipops, her Santa costume, our ornaments on the tree for a seating chart,
right down to the personalized clip boards on the kids table with coloring
pages, crayons and crazy blue silly straws for them. So many people kept coming
up to us and telling us it was the most creative fun wedding people have gone
to! After the wedding was over and we had people helping us pack up, me, my wife and her MOH headed to my parents house for some more to eat and hang out, and YES, I WAS STILL IN MY DRESS!!! I didn't want to take it off!!!!! We sat at the table, said hi to everyone and were still smiling! haha. cheeks hurting and all! It was time to get out of my dress, unfortunately, because we were heading to our honeymoon, and needed to leave it at my parents. I'm not sure what I'll do with it, probably have it preserved if we ever have a daughter, she can try it on like I did with my moms, and laugh at how out of style it may or may not be!! </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt;">Everything just went so perfect. It was better than I could have ever
dreamt, and so amazing to see every little detail and planning come to life!!!
It truly was the most amazing day of my life!!!!! I can not wait to see all the
pictures so I can keep reliving it over and over again! I am truly the luckiest
girl in the world!!!!! </span><span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">Thanks for reading, Lianne</div>Liannehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01769612482710367114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6528977910240785263.post-40222212103053814942014-11-28T23:27:00.000-05:002014-11-29T00:27:49.082-05:00plenty of thanks38 days.. It has been 38 days since my birthday. 38 days since I stepped out of my comfort zone once again and surprised myself. 38 days since I led my first AA meeting. I put myself out there and shared some of my thoughts and feelings. I was so proud of myself. I was nervous as all heck when I got there, but it was so worth it. Miss made brownies and brought cookies for all to share and help themselves with and of course of all days, it was such a crowded meeting!! So many eyes staring back at little ol' me sitting in the chair at the table in the front of the room. It got easier as the minutes passed. Staring back at Miss just waiting for the clock to strike 6:30, she was smiling so big at me. And then my parents walked in, just as I was wondering where they were and if they were coming. Both of my parents came, I was nervous and excited all at the same time. My dad even ad-libbed during the intro round robins, and made a note to tell everyone that "Lianne is my daughter." It was a pretty awesome feeling, especially when months before he said he'd probably never set foot in an AA meeting again. Don't get me wrong, he's shown me great support in other ways, but deep down I really wanted him to come to this meeting, my first meeting I chaired.<br />
<br />
The topic was blurry just as my thoughts are still. haha. surprised? no. but it was so awesome. People's feedback was so positive and people actually raised their hands to share and said how it was a great topic. I know they were sharing to the whole group, but there was something about choosing the topic of the meeting, and sitting up there with all eyes on you, feeling like the people who I called on to share, were talking to me and only me in some ways. It was great and I took it all in, I always do. They even sang happy birthday to me in the beginning of the meeting. Honestly there wasn't any place I'd rather have spent my 32nd birthday! The feeling I get when I leave those meetings is indescribable.<br />
<br />
...<br />
<br />
22 days to OUR wedding! I am so thankful I found someone who loves me no matter what, who wants to know what and how I feel, wants to know about my day, hopes and dreams, and more importantly wants to share in my dreams and future. I am so thankful for all that she has done for me and our wedding and I am so very excited to share this day with the ones we love. Thanksgiving has come and gone, but there is still so much to be thankful for each and everyday.<br />
<br />
I am loving my life, my country life, the snow is so beautiful out here, the sounds of the wind, the sight of the stars, if only there were more wildlife animals. I can't wait to explore the seasons of the country, the farmers markets, the tree lighting in the next town over, motorcycle rides on open country roads, and lots of pictures to take along on this journey. Our new chapter in our life has already begun and marrying each other makes it a more promising, permanent declaration for our commitment to share our lives together.<br />
<br />
And yet a part of me deep down inside, still doesn't believe she is beautiful, worthy or deserving of a forever love like this. She makes me want to become a better person each and every day. Little by little I do truly believe the words she tells me every day, words of unconditional love and respect. It's amazing how honesty and communication can be so freeing and loving. I couldn't ask for a more perfect fit, partner in crime, life long partner to laugh with, cry with, go crazy with, share every thing with... this year has brought so many good things to both of our lives, and I am very eager to see what tomorrow brings. As one of my favorite sayings goes, "And isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back everything is different?" With that said, may we never forget to make the most of today, be grateful for every breath we take, every moment we share, good and bad, for it teaches us a lot about ourselves and the ones we love.<div class="blogger-post-footer">Thanks for reading, Lianne</div>Liannehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01769612482710367114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6528977910240785263.post-70829682032521637982014-10-24T15:51:00.001-04:002014-10-27T06:59:07.589-04:00Happily Exhaustedexhaustion. complete exhaustion and excitement. I haven't blogged in over a month, a lot has happened in a month, if you're anyone who has followed my blog this past year, I'm sure you are not surprised by me saying that, a lot has happened in a year! so this past month...nothing different, a lot has happened and it has been very, very exciting and busy!!!!! <br>
<br>
what a summer and fall... I quit my job of 5 1/2 years to take some mental health time for myself, I started a new less stressful job for the time being, I asked Miss to look at this house with me in the beginning of August even though we weren't actively looking for houses then, and she told me ok, but don't fall in love with it, and well we both ended up falling in love with it!!!!! It wasn't soon after that we needed to decide what to do next, I wanted this house and so did she! So we took the next steps and before we knew it the process had begun. There were a few chances to back out in the beginning if we had changed our mind, but both of us being very determined people were ready to go and prepared ourselves for wherever this could have taken us!!<br>
<br>
We made our first offer around the time we were leaving for my best friend's wedding, the 13th of August! and we heard back the next day, standing firm at our offer two times, we got them to lower from the asking price about 9,000 dollars. They accepted our offer on the 14th!!!!! and so the inspections and fun stuff with the actual mortgage loan application began. Back and forth and back and forth, I learned a lot about buying a house! We had tons of knowledge and helpful people in the process of buying our first home! It was a long, painful at times, but so very worth it process!!!<br>
<br>
Enough with all the little details, it has been a week since we are mostly all moved in thanks to our parents and other family members and neighbors who moved us in and did huge improvements before moving in/and while moving in! <br>
<br>
It started looking and feeling like OUR HOME this week!!!!!<br>
<br>
"Not a lot of people get a house for their birthday," said her brother! And he is right! haha<br>
<br>
my birthday... my last birthday with my birth name, as I will be taking Miss' last name.<br>
<br>
my age this birthday, the age I will be when we wed in less than two months, also equals 5!!!!!<br>
<br>
Five is our number, coincidence, I think not? :) <div><br></div><div>This has been such a great week in our new home, so much to do and it is still so surreal that we have our very own home!! And a home it is becoming!!! </div><div><br></div><div>Miss said today that I haven't left the kitchen! Im just so excited I guess to have my own kitchen! Our own living room our own bedrooms our own weight room our own spaces!!!!!! Our own yard... And Russell's fenced in yard that I'm actually excited to take and clean up!! And for our yard... I can't wait to see what the spring brings :-) but first things first we have a wedding to finish planning!!!!! What a great year this has been... I am so blessed and the year is not over yet! <br>
<br>
</div><div class="blogger-post-footer">Thanks for reading, Lianne</div>Liannehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01769612482710367114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6528977910240785263.post-92034175786279434122014-09-17T07:56:00.000-04:002014-09-17T09:16:08.006-04:00If it makes you happy...I cried last night in AA. I was completely vulnerable. The topic was confusion. Confusing things when you first started coming to AA. I talked about how confusing it is that I'd rather be at a meeting than at my parents house. That is confusing to me. I talked about how my relationship with my mom is different yet other family members were glad I stopped drinking with no questions. Also confused about that, and why they didn't reach out when I was drinking. Drinking or not drinking is not the problem, it was my medicine. It made me numb to things I didn't want to feel. I didn't want to think I'd be alone forever or that I had already had many failed relationships and after seven years of living on my own, out from underneath my parents roof, that is where I found myself. Until this past year or so, but still sort of under my parents roof, just the one they don't live under but still own. I am in the process of buying a house with my fiancé, in the process of getting married, planning my honeymoon, enjoying my bachelorette and bridal shower weekend! This is the happiest time of my life so why am I crying.<br>
<br>
I am sick of feeling like I need to explain myself. I am frustrated with the way I feel when I walk in my parents house, the atmosphere or something in the air, and suddenly my mood changes. I don't get it. I was so happy the whole way there yesterday!<br>
<br>
People spoke after me, after my first emotional breakdown at AA last night. This lady spoke to me pretty much when she spoke about families and her relationships with her family. "Family and loved ones should be happy and excited that you are not drinking anymore, at least that's what they say, but not everyone may be as excited as you are that you have stopped drinking...this one family member didn't get it for the longest time and was sad and upset, and she didn't have her drinking buddy anymore...hang in there, it will get better. Your relationships will be different but that doesn't mean they will be worse, it just takes time for people to see."<br>
<br>
Everything happened all at once. I started dating Miss and then we got engaged, I stopped drinking, I changed my job, We are looking at houses and in the process of hopefully closing on a house...Things are happening for us! Things are looking up for me...I no longer wake up hung over and forget my nights of so called fun for me, I drank to get drunk, how is that fun? I no longer take naps for no reason, I no longer sit at home by myself waiting for friends to call or drink by myself.<br>
<br>
My life may be busy and changing, and in that time of change things are exciting.<br>
No one is changing me, no one forced me to AA, it was my decision. And that fact that some "friends" even questioned that to me makes me so hurt. There is nothing wrong with me and not drinking. I didn't lose all my friends, so obviously I am not the problem. And people said it last night in AA, and my therapist said it months ago, people you used to drink with may feel more uncomfortable than you with you not drinking anymore.<br>
<br>
I am LOVING my life! All the things I have done in the past year...it blows my mind!<br>
I have ridden and even drove a motorcycle and I love going for rides on the bike!! I have searched for houses and found one and am taking a risk, cause that's what you do, there isn't going to be the perfect house, but we will make it perfect for us, if I don't try, I will never know. I have been in my best friends wedding, the only wedding I have ever been in and I was maid of honor!! People are gathering this weekend for us, because we are getting married! I'm getting married this year! I had a weeks vacation with family and friends and we hosted, it was awesome! I rode in a helicopter, I rode on one of the biggest ferris wheels ever and I hate ferris wheels. I have nieces and nephews now that like hanging around me, I conquered more fears of heights and scary roller coaster rides. I am enjoying life in so many more ways than going out every friday night and/or saturday night and drinking within four walls with a bunch of strangers. I am enjoying my friends, I still get invited places and am included in get togethers with or without alcohol there, because they are just hanging out and playing yard games and laughing with each other without the intention of getting drunk. I have gone kayaking, I have gone tubing, I slept in a tent! I drove a golf cart! I enjoy wildlife and taking pictures of deer and bunnies! I saw my first moose! I took pictures in a silly photo booth at a carnival. I went to a state fair with carnival rides, crazy amount of food booths, and live animals, petting zoos and absolutely loved it!<br>
<br>
This is just the beginning!!!!! Good things are still ahead for the two of us.<br>
<br>
"Things will get better, you have too many other things to worry about..."<br>
"Remember there is only you, remember that"<br>
"Things are happening for you, and if it all makes you happy, then you keep doing it..."<br>
<br>
<br><div class="blogger-post-footer">Thanks for reading, Lianne</div>Liannehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01769612482710367114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6528977910240785263.post-35079522904453209902014-09-04T23:14:00.000-04:002014-09-05T00:02:59.006-04:00what if<div style="text-align: center;">
smells of eggplant parm cooking in my mom's kitchen and it's all because of us. I love it. I love the invitations being sent out to people who are coming together because of us. I love us. So much going on and I still can't believe it's September! Our wedding is right around the corner!! Registries complete and being viewed by our families and friends, gathering and packing up wedding stuff so it's all ready for set up on the day of or day before our wedding, and more and more details being decided on and completed. All the while, we are going back and forth all day everyday with realtors, lawyers and mortgage brokers about a house that is for sale and contingent because we put in an offer and it was accepted, so let the negotiations begin. They have begun!!! It's nerve wracking and exciting, so exciting all at the same time. I know everyone is looking out for us and our best interest, but life is all about risks, and life is too short not to take this one. If it's meant to be, it will be, and god willing it will be. I am prepared either way, because quite honestly it hasn't even hit me that I was pre approved for a mortgage, let alone the bank telling me they are ready to go with the mortgage process and we are way closer to the final commitment letter than the pre approval process!!!!! It's an amazing feeling and I have learned a ton about houses and negotiating and finances than I have ever imagined. It's a waiting game, and I am trying hard to be patient, we both are trying to be patient. This was just an opportunity we couldn't pass up, and we are invested now, so why not keep going and see what happens.<br>
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If we live with all the what if's, where does that take us? how far does that get us? If there is something I learned (or reminded of again in a different way than death) and am still learning from having (re)met Missy, is that life is far too short to not do things we are passionate about or desire. I have always been a hard worker, and well this job I have now, don't get me wrong, way less stressful and just different from my last job, but this isn't my forever job, and we both know that; however, I can't help but give my 110% even if I am not getting overtime pay or health benefits. What is wrong with me? Does everyone have this kind of work ethic? Why stress out about stuff that I just can't get done in a day, all the extras I am asked to do? I need to stay focused on what is expected of me on a daily basis and that's that. It's a dog eat dog world out there, what does that even mean anyways? But it's true, I can still give this job my best work, but just do that my best, not above and beyond for what will be nothing in the long run. It doesn't grant my more money, more benefits or anything other than positive feedback and verbal praise, and unfortunately in this world, those things do not pay the bills, and I know this. I am and have always been a hard worker, but knowing what I know now about the system, people don't care what you did extra. You don't get anything from doing extra. Missy is screwed for lack of better terms, for the rest of her life, our life together, at a pay that rarely inflates, crap healthcare, oh wait...healthcare for the elderly even though she's in her 30s, but because of her disability she has to have medicare which pays nothing for anything, all the while, the guy who just flew in on a flight who knows who paid for it, from sudan or nigeria or wherever in Africa has clothes on his back, a roof over his head and food at the table, and most likely some kind of health benefits a little better than that Missy is getting who has paid her debt to this wonderful country, but gets nothing. Fuel assistance? Food stamps? Masshealth insurance? Nope, nope and nope, sorry, you make too much money. Too much money? Are you kidding me. She hasn't worked since 2007 and can't work because of the daily pain she is in, and if she did work from home with her own schedule, she would lose the income she does get from being disabled, so tell me how that is fair.<br>
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Don't get me wrong, I understand being a woman, and especially a gay woman in another country outside of our own, we would be treated terribly worse and have so much freedom in the U.S that we often take for granted. You never really know how messed up "the system" quite is without living in it. How is it that other countries in the world have free health care, and free college education for all, when living in the U.S your entire life and paying your taxes gets you less benefits than those traveling over to the U.S for the "american dream." I am frustrated and could go on and on, not really sure how I ended up on this topic, but apparently needing to get it out somehow, someway.<br>
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Money money money. If we wait for everything to get better or to be better, we are just waiting for nothing. Waiting and wasting. I've never been more confident in my risk taking, and never been more in love and happy with my relationship and with myself. I have been sober for eight months! That is a huge accomplishment. I have money in my savings account!! I own my very first car, paying off at least 97% of it on my own, with the help of my parents, on a car loan that the financial guy at Toyota said was the largest car loan he's ever seen!! I am getting married!! I am still eating right and making healthier choices as a responsible adult, not always healthy but I try my best, without stressing about working out so hard a few times a week and seeing only a plateau in my results. Who cares if I don't work out every day, I love myself!!! I actually love myself!! Miss seems to think I am in love with myself, and I should be, we all should be, but I tell her it's all her fault. I feel so ridiculously comfortable in my own skin, in this healthy relationship that I am in. Yeah I'm not perfect, and either is she, but like a great man once said in a great movie,"You're not perfect, sport, and let me save you the suspense: this girl you've met, she's not perfect either. But the question is whether or not you're perfect for each other."<br>
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Integrity. Honesty. Alcoholism. Those were the topics this week at the meeting where I walked up to receive my eight month coin! My eight months... my mom actually called me up on the exact day, the 29th, to congratulate me. Funny thing is, Miss and I forgot it was that day, so caught up in other things, or maybe I am simply not thinking about it as much. Either way, it was a great feeling to receive my coin, and walk through the aisle of hands reached out to congratulate me. I felt like I was running through a screaming crowd at a homecoming football game or something like that. It was awesome! I never lied when I was drinking, I never hurt anyone, or so I thought. You never really see things clearly until you detach yourself from those things. I was hurting myself. I was hurting for a really long time. I was lying to myself about how crazy I got when I drank, how I drove home after a few drinks too many with and without friends in the passenger seats, I was fooling myself when I would withdraw money from my bank account knowing it was a negative balance, but whatever since the bank dispensed the money to me even though I didn't have any in there. I was numbing the pain, the hurt, the feelings and thoughts of ending up by myself for the rest of my life, for never being good enough for anyone to date, just to mess around with, for not thinking I was worthy of anything more than what I was getting, which was crap. I am worth it. I am so worth it.<br>
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The funny thing is, I think I "hurt" more people in my sobriety than I did when I was drinking, if that's at all possible. It's crazy to think that in doing things to better yourself, people question your honesty and your motives, rather than accepting me for who I am. Yeah, those times were fun, but what is fun when you feel like crap the next morning, what is fun when you cry yourself to sleep or pee your pants in your bed without even knowing it, what is fun when you get so drunk to just not feel anymore, what is fun when you force yourself to a few drinks at the bar by yourself while feeling like crap over a holiday break, but hey you're drinking orange juice with the vodka so maybe that will help with your cold...too bad that wasn't the case. Yes, we can't please everyone, and no, I don't want to treat others badly on purpose, but pleasing yourself should come first. It took me years to put myself first, and I am still learning how to take care of myself and love myself better each day, so does it stink when people I once cared for don't approve of my life choices and who I am today on this day in this present time, yes it stinks, but there is nothing I can do about it. I know I am being true to myself, taking care of myself and being good to me and the ones I love, and that is all I can do today. Only I know what I have done, how I felt before and how I feel today. I can only ask those who truly care and love me continue to accept me for me, love me, and love what I am doing with my life even though they may not agree 100%.<br>
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I would not be who I am, this strong willed, determined, motivated and passionate woman without my parents, their love and unconditional support emotionally, physically and financially.<br>
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Cheers to us bebs, this is our time, our crazy journey together that I wouldn't have or want any other way. I love you FOSTAH!!!!!</div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">Thanks for reading, Lianne</div>Liannehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01769612482710367114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6528977910240785263.post-80646478136893158562014-08-05T21:56:00.000-04:002014-08-05T21:56:10.755-04:00hurt. gratitude. acceptance. <div style="text-align: center;">
Gratitude: the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness. </div>
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I am not an ungrateful person by any means, maybe I act ungrateful and whiney sometimes, but I know the struggle, now so first hand, that my parents endure and still do on a daily basis to make sure their three kids are taken care of and their basic needs met. I have a college education, a paid off car, a job, a paycheck every two weeks, a roof over my head even if it's not mine, food and clothes on my back. A lot of which millions of people don't have. </div>
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We live in such a greedy society, of always wanting more and more or wanting what everyone else has and focusing on what we don't have rather than what we do have. I didn't share tonight but I took it all in and still wanted to be there. To be honest, a part of me didn't want to be there. I am angry. I am angry and hurt by many things that have happened to me the past few days and am having a hard time being grateful of what I have. I have all this happiness in my life right now, and I wish nothing more to share it with my parents and brothers and those I love so much, but I can't. They don't allow me to do just that, and haven't for years, but no one seems to see that but me. I want nothing more to hang out with my brothers again, laughing and talking, not fighting and yelling. I don't know how to talk to them, because they don't allow me to do so. Do I keep working myself up about this? No, but it makes me sad. It hurts, and I don't know how to make the hurt go away. I can't. I can only do what's best for me, and continue to live my life to the fullest before it's too late. </div>
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One day at a time, one twenty-four hours at a time, one hour at a time, one moment to cherish because in an instant, it's gone. </div>
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I'm making positive changes, and no one is telling me to do so, especially alcohol. </div>
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I'm not wetting my pants in an unconsciousness drunken sleep in mixed company anymore; I'm not driving drunk or buzzed or whatever you call it, it's still drunk and I'm not driving drunk anymore; I'm not going out and spending tons of money on nothing more than alcohol, an addictive substance that made me not like myself very much nor the decisions I made or didn't make when drinking. </div>
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Chapter five in "Living Sober" is titled "Live and let live," another famous cliche among A.A or just in general for that matter. So simply stated in words on paper, but how does one do this in real life? "People we met in A.A, they reacted to us, not with criticism and suspicion, but with understanding and concern." There are always going to be people who disagree with things I do or say, or maybe never understand it, but there are certain people who are supposed to love me no matter what, and I know they still do, I just wish they could show a little more excitement with positivity rather than negativity. They say in A.A to stay away from your playmates and playgrounds, and some people either get that or they don't. For example, if you have a gambling problem, you should probably stay away from the casinos. I'm not pushing people away, or simply shutting doors on friendships, I'm putting me first, yes, in the most non-selfish way possible, and I'm taking care of me and my self improvement. My mom saved me a segment once about a tv show host who quit drinking for a year just to try it and take better care of himself for whatever personal reasons, and he said "you learn a lot about yourself and who your friends are." And so be it. Those people came and were in your life for whatever the reason you needed each other at that point of your lives, but life keeps happening with or without certain people by your side. I'm not sure where I am trying to go with this, I mean I know what I'm trying to say but it just does not seem to be coming out right, or too wordy or whatever the case. How do you please everyone? You can't and you'll die trying, and for all the wrong reasons. </div>
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I feel better about myself than I have in a real long time. I have a fiancé who shows nothing but love and respect and support to me on a daily basis. We have really good communication and have come a long way in the 10 months we have been together. Live is about living and I am finally living, freeing myself of decade long grudges, sadness and anger of lost friendships in my past and so forth. I am putting golf balls, riding and driving motorcycles, I am going to church because I want to not because I have to, I am sleeping in tents, I am going on scary rides, I am challenging myself to do better and be better on a daily basis, so why can't people see any of this happiness? I'm done living life explaining myself to everyone and anyone. I'm sick of comparing myself to others, or being jealous of what others have and I don't, that's no way to live. </div>
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I am happy, I am truly happy and want nothing more to share that with my family. Depression is a terrible terrible thing, and I hate knowing that there is nothing I can do or say to help people who are so very much a part of me and my life. Being sober is about being present, it's about being present in your life and others who love you and want to share this life with you. Why can't they see that? Why can't they see the change in them like others can see? But it's not always about them, it's not always about other people, why can't it be about me? This is the happiest time in my life and I want to share it with those who reach out to me with the same enthusiasm and excitement I have in my heart. I'm done with the negativity, people putting my choices down, people putting my fiancé down, and all the hurt and mixed emotions that come with it. I'm angry, I'm sad and I don't want to be neither of those things anymore because I know just how happy I am, and how happy this time in my life is for me. </div>
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This lady often speaks of being childlike, living like a child, in her sobriety and she's something like eighty five or so years old. Sobriety has opened her eyes to many things, but the one that sticks with me is when she often talks about being child-like, not in a childish, immature way, but rather in a fun loving playful way. Enjoy your days, go out and play, and play well with others like innocent children do. Go enjoy your motorcycles, sports, ice-cream, and friends. You are never too old to play, to enjoy life and make the most of it. It's time, it's my time. I need not worry about helping others, when they don't want to help themselves. I can't explain to them the beauty in this world, they must experience it on their own, when will they do so? when will they have had enough? when will they change when they don't need to change because they are so stuck in their own misery and hell? I can not worry about this and that, but it saddens me to know that I can't share my happiness with them. I can't even surround myself with them, their energy or lack of energy just brings me down, and I go to a place I have been many times before. I go to a place where I went many many nights of drinking by myself, or drinking with friends with only one goal in mind, to get so drunk that I didn't care what happened. Who was this girl? This was the same girl who was scared shitless of ever getting in trouble with the authorities or my parents for doing something wrong, but when I kept drinking, it didn't matter. Under the influence of whatever your cup of tea is, it doesn't matter what you may be scared of because you do things to hurt others and yourself sooner or later without even realizing it. People are hurting for you and with you and you haven't a clue, until you pull yourself up and realize that people don't live like you are living, people don't just throw away their lives, and days, and loved ones; people don't live alone. People say you enter and leave this world alone, but it wasn't meant to live alone. </div>
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Three deep breaths can change your mood;</div>
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One day at a time;</div>
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Breath in the positivity and Breathe out the negativity. </div>
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And maybe one day people will come around before it's just too late. </div>
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Acceptance in those halls and meetings have been something I have been longing for, for years. I feel more accepted and cared for at those meetings than in my parent's home with my brothers and parents all present. Why do we hurt the ones we love? Why can't we help those who hurt so bad? Why can't people be happy for me, without any judgment or questions? </div>
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<div class="blogger-post-footer">Thanks for reading, Lianne</div>Liannehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01769612482710367114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6528977910240785263.post-79717310239037420632014-07-16T22:33:00.002-04:002014-07-16T23:55:03.023-04:00surrender: to stop resisting<div class="p1">
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Surrender. The topic of last night's meeting...</div>
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SUR-REN-DER</div>
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: to agree, to stop fighting, hiding, resisting, etc., because you know that you will not win or succeed. </div>
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: to give the control or use of (something) to someone else</div>
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: to allow something (such as a habit or desire) to influence or control you</div>
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Pretty self explanatory within the definition of the word. Something that controls you, it can be chocolate, running, exercising, drugs, and or alcohol among a bunch of other things. It could be anything really, the list is endless. When is that moment of surrendering? Is it the same day we become sober, or free of these controls? Not necessarily the same day, but perhaps it happens just soon before we realize that we have had enough. </div>
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When is enough enough? When will you reach your rock bottom? </div>
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Everyone's rock bottom is different as I have said in previous blogs. Until you have enough of that gut wrenching pain you won't stop, you just won't stop whatever it is that is controlling you. That thing that has such great influence over you and your life's choices. Until you have had so much pain and hurt, and then some more pain, will you stop and surrender?</div>
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How do I surrender when people who love me most don't think I even have a drinking problem? How do I surrender when I'm not court ordered to do so or sentenced to a rehab or detox facility? How do I surrender when no one thinks I have to? "Maybe things just were getting out of hand and you need to slow down, or maybe in a few months you can have a few drinks or one or two here and there." And then there were those who spoke out to me after I had told them about quitting drinking and attending AA meetings, who were ever so thankful in hearing all that about me because my drinking made them nervous. Why hadn't they spoken out before?<br>
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Why didn't loved ones see I had a problem, and more importantly why did it take me so long to realize there was a serious problem. A serious problem that probably would have been more serious if there weren't those five years of taking care of other people too much, that I was too tired to drink, or go out and party and have a good time, because before and after those five years, I seemed to know how to go out and have a good time, or what I thought was a good time. A good time with alcohol, a good time with hiding my feelings, covering up my pain. If you follow this blog at all, you know the heartaches I have endured in my short time on this planet Earth. By the age of 22, I had lost a significant amount of people in my family to death, been part of two eulogies, lost friendships without closure and so forth...all of which are enough to make most people go crazy. I sure as heck went crazy with my alcohol at some point in time these past two years or so. I went crazy enough to know that always joking about the possibility of becoming an alcoholic was just right in front of me, closer than ever. My dad and his dad were both alcoholics, and my dad's mom, always went to al-anon meetings for family members of alcoholics. </div>
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They talked a lot about pain last night. Everyone in that room is so very different , comes from every walk of life possible and perhaps would not cross paths otherwise, but we all have a common denominator: a shared trait. Alcohol is ours, but for some it's drugs and whatever else. <span style="text-align: start;">It's not necessarily the drinking or drugs that are the problem... It's you, it starts with you and will end with you; with us, and only ourselves. </span><br>
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<span style="text-align: start;">We drink or drug to hide our feelings and deal with life. Life is the problem and we need to learn better ways of dealing with it than those that harm ourselves, like drugs and alcohol do, or will end up doing if we don't put a stop to it. I'm fortunate enough to have never killed anyone while buzzed driving or probably drunk driving, and driving my friends home, not remembering I even did that the next mornings. Some people are just not social drinkers, or social smokers, some people actually get addicted to these things, because really everything can be addictive if you have that kind of personality. We can't help it, it's in our genes, it's the way we were built. What we can do, is do other things, find other things and ways of dealing with our feelings and life's crazy messes, heartaches, as well as the celebrations and happiness. To all of us in that room, the only way we know or maybe have ever known to deal with sadness and to celebrate happy times is with alcohol and/or drugs. </span><br>
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<span style="text-align: start;">How do I surrender without people's support? That's exactly it, you have to hit rock bottom on your own, so it makes sense to have to surrender on your own. When you surround yourself with people who do the same things you do, they are not going to be the ones to stop you or necessarily draw attention to your problems, but rather all talk and laugh the next day about not remembering what we did the night before, and/or passing out in their passenger seat of the car while they are driving you home. Nor is it their responsibility to take care of you or tell you that you have a problem with whatever it is. After all, it is the hardest to tell the ones we love how we care about them or may be concerned with them. Why would you want to potentially push the ones we love, have fun with and want in our lives away? Why would you want the possibility of them leaving your life, but then again, if you don't say something, that next drink, or drug could be their last. </span><br>
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<span style="text-align: start;">Yeah, my alcohol addiction wasn't as severe as most, but we can't compare ourselves, just like I have written lots about before. You compare you to you and only you. Everyone's rock bottom is different. If you are feeling sad, or hurt, or angry and push people away, don't want to be around anyone anymore...those may be a few signs you are having a problem. Why there is such a stigma on people with "problems" is beyond me, because we all have them!! </span><br>
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<span style="text-align: start;">Pain and love, there are so many forms of these two words. Pain could be self inflicting to make us feel better, or pain could be the knife in your back from your best friend, or sadness, anger and hurt. Love is tricky too. Love is not always kind and genuine. Love is supposed to be sweet and happy and all those good feelings inside. How do we have or show unconditional love, loving someone no matter what they do in their own lives, but supporting them, with no limitations or conditions, if we disagree with their life choices, or their lack of better life choices to get the help they need. Especially when people hurt you or make you feel badly about yourself, that is not what love is supposed to feel like. Love can be mistaken for many things in many different forms of relationships. Love can be misleading, unappreciated and being taken advantage of. </span><br>
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<span style="text-align: start;">Tough love: love or concern for another that is expressed in a strict way especially to make someone behave responsibly. In my case, I gave myself tough love. I can do this, I can make better life choices even against those who may not agree with me at first. Tough love can also be between us and those we love the most, even those we brought into this world. When people reach certain ages, we have laws that make them adults, and sometimes those laws get in the way of helping the ones who really need it but won't help themselves. So we just give give give, hoping that one day all our love will cure them, when really they need some real genuine unconditional tough love. </span><br>
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<span style="text-align: start;">Getting help on your own is hard enough, but why would you refuse help that is being handed to you. Why would you treat the people who love you the most the worst? We can't help people if they don't want to help themselves. We can't help the people we love most, even if we are their mothers, fathers, or sisters. We just can't help anyone but ourselves, and that may be the most painful thing of all when we have people so close to us hurting so very badly. </span><br>
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<span style="text-align: start;">We can't enable either, because if people have no responsibilities, everything easily handed to them, why would they want to change? Why would people want to change their lives, make it harder even if that hardness is just a little while longer. In previous posts, I have mentioned going out and buying my dog, because I needed something to be responsible for, I needed something in my life to depend on me, and me not depend on them. </span><br>
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<span style="text-align: start;">I'm not an expert, I don't have all the answers, but there is one thing I do know for sure, and that is how great life is with sobriety. I don't have something in my life that is in control any longer. I don't wake up hungover, I'm not driving up to ATM's and withdrawing money from my account that I don't have to go meet people for drinks, and I am surely not waking up in my own urine soaked jeans hours later. </span><br>
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<span style="text-align: start;"> Some say the 24 hour to 29 day coin they hand out at the meetings is the most important coin and you only have to get it once. I don't have that coin, but I do have the 3, 4, 5, and 6 month coins. I only have to get those coins once too. Surrendering hurts, it's ugly and painful, as if you haven't had enough pain and ugly in your life, but we must do it. We must do it on our own, knowing that no matter what we have done in our pasts, we can always make amends. It's a much brighter side of things when you surrender. No one promised me it would be easy, no one promised me anything, but unconditional love and support. Life is so much better for me now that I am sober and making my own choices, rather than living with something making the choices for me. </span></div>
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<div class="blogger-post-footer">Thanks for reading, Lianne</div>Liannehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01769612482710367114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6528977910240785263.post-1975670477469954602014-07-09T16:56:00.001-04:002014-07-11T00:13:27.755-04:00twelve promisesLast night.... Tuesday night and where else would we be at 6:30? I love going to meetings! Free therapy! Each week just seems to get better too so that's a plus! We went to eat before the meeting and instead of getting back on the bike, I just walked around the corner. So like every Tuesday night, the regulars are outside before the start smoking their butts or chitchatting, and a few were puzzled when they saw only miss get off the motorcycle! Haha..."wait you're not the one who needs it, but you're more than welcome to keep coming," he said, As he was looking around for me. Ha! So little by little we talk and chat and laugh before the meeting with others, it's nice!!<br>
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Sitting in our usual seats...he comes over to me and hands me the twelve promises he wants me to read (as someone is picked every week to read) at the end of the meeting, the guy I love hearing speak..well one of the guys I love hearing speak who is chairing the meeting. Of course I'll read them. I'm blushing and sweating and smiling away at Miss sitting beside me!!! :-) </div>
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The topic last night was fellowship, and to be honest not sure of the exact dictionary definition but it doesn't matter. It's about people uniting together for good causes, it's about people not judging one another and trying to help each other for the better, it's about support and trust and friendships! The people within these halls.</div>
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I spoke again! I spoke in the last ten minutes or so. I raised my hand to give my two sense for the second time! And again I don't remember word for word but it felt awesome!!! I spoke about the past three months being in these meetings...and being sober the last six months, it hasn't been easy especially in the beginning but since these meetings and the no judgements I have been slowly feeling that much better! I spoke with more ease and confidence, only getting choked up once this time! Haa. Someone said it before at a meeting, that people within these halls are the normal ones. And how true is that. Every day struggles and life hopes and dreams and problems and heartaches. I continued to say...how great would it be if everyone came to these meetings. I've been in counseling for years and this is just different! It's awesome and I don't have a 20 dollar copay! Even better! But just appreciated the people in the halls and the welcoming you get every single time. I have never been ashamed of going to therapy or afraid to say it and I'm not afraid to say I go to aa meetings because I do tell people that so yeah that's about all that was. It felt good! </div>
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At the end of the meeting, people were gathered around outside and we stopped to talk to a guy who was just up in Maine for vacation. So naturally, Miss had to stop and chat but I'm glad she did because no sooner did the chairperson tonight come out and find me. He said "Lianne I'm glad you're still here because I wanted to tell you that if you don't see that you've come a long way in the three months you've been here then we sure have seen it!!" It felt awesome and my eyes instantly watered. I love what he has to say every time he shares so coming from him was a greater compliment. He said one suggestion though, get rid of the word only. It's not only three months or only six months! There is no such word! </div>
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<div class="blogger-post-footer">Thanks for reading, Lianne</div>Liannehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01769612482710367114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6528977910240785263.post-41612078710774277152014-07-01T23:13:00.001-04:002014-07-01T23:34:57.600-04:00"IT IS AWESOME" <span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I don't even know where to begin… Life has been really good this past week and a half, almost two weeks. Vacation at the beach house with friends and family, it was tough playing mini-Robin (my mother…the beach house hostess with the mostess, except she wasn't there, it was me and Miss doing the entertaining and hosting, and I loved every second of it!!) for about a week. It was an emotional time for me, when hasn't it been an emotional time for me these past eight, almost nine months since Miss has entered my life again, but just because it's emotional, doesn't mean it's a bad thing. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The beginning of this past week would have been my Sittoo's (arabic for grandmother, since we are Lebanese) 85th birthday! That means she has been gone for ten years this August 29th! So hard to believe, where does the time go, what have I been through, what have we been through without her part of our family? The end of the week was a celebration of Life Memorial for Miss' grandfather who passed away this February while we were visiting her parents, uncle and Nana down in Myrtle Beach. The room was filled with laughter, hugs, smiles, and sweet sounds of 50s and 60s music in the background that Miss put to a video of pictures throughout years and years of his lifetime. It was bittersweet. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We had taken a walk down the beach the night before the family memorial gathering, at sunset, just Miss and I and it was perfect. It was the perfect night for dancing on the beach to our future wedding song as she played it on her iPhone, my eyes never left hers. Tears rolled down my face for the anticipation for the memorial, and heartache she must feel but hardly explains to me, nor does she really have to because I have been through so much loss myself, but I am always here to listen and hold her. Tears for my own sweet sorrow and loss as well, because with time it only hurts a little less. All good things must come to an end, and so we were ever so grateful for the week we had to share with such great friends and family, and we really started twining them together like an ivy plant growing and twisting around a tree or a stick you put in the plant to keep it upright. Our families and friends are becoming one in our lives and it's a pretty great feeling. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The only thing missing from that week were my brothers and the opportunities for them to bond and get to know her family as we will become one family very soon this December. I have to remember that they are at different places in their lives, and as much as it hurts, I can't dwell and dwell over something I can't change. They know I care about them greatly and wish them help and peace in their present days; however, I am not one to change anyone but myself. We come from different paths and families, Miss and I, and with that conversation came some realizations and facts that my family is just younger than hers, and when you have children like all her siblings do, you grow up a little faster, you have different responsibilities, and little people depend on you. Eventually you have to take care of yourself in order to take care of little ones who know no other way than to be taken care of by their parents. So maybe someday, maybe someday before they have little ones of their own, they will do whatever they need to grow up, and realize that today is truly a gift, one must live it to the fullest, surround yourself with those you love and things you love doing, because someday, somehow, you will look around, and it will all be gone. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Compare me to me" was said at the meeting tonight. It's these little sayings, the littlest things, the most simple things, and your life will be wonderfilled, as she said when she signed my first AA book two weeks ago. Simply wonderful. I have been going to AA meetings for exactly 3 months, and today I earned my 6 month coin!!! But let's back up to before the meeting even started…Miss and I were greeted in the front of the church with hugs and smiles and conversation about life, work and children. We missed last weeks meeting while beaching it, but it was definitely thought about by both of us. I love her support, I love how she also loves the meetings. It felt great tonight. It felt great to see everyone again, and it had only been a week. The familiar faces, the laughter that I just can't describe until you've heard it yourself, the judgment left at the door, and the embraces, handshakes and hello agains. I stood up big and tall today as I walked down an aisle of seats to go earn my 6 month coin, a shiny blue that resembles the color of our bridesmaid dresses!! More hugs, and handshakes on the way back to my seat. For this was the first time, I didn't go back and sit quietly, the smile on my face spoke more than words could say for this accomplishment. I knew I had to speak tonight or I would regret it. Just the other day, my old boss mentioned to me how impressed she was with my sobriety!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As I sat in my chair tonight, the same two seats we have been sitting in since April 1st, I couldn't stop smiling first off, and secondly, I gathered my thoughts as the chairperson was talking about life after sobriety and beginners and all the hard stuff in the beginning being so worth it if you truly take one day at a time. What was I going to talk about in such a short blurb? What if I say too much, or too little? Do I have to explain my background and why and how I got here? A few people spoke…and with my eyes on the clock, my ears wide open, and my mind racing with thoughts I could put together if and when I was actually called on to speak, there it was. He called my name to speak. I heard my name, but it took me a second since all that I had in my head seemed to just disappear. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So I started, "Hi my name is Lianne, and I'm an alcoholic." The echo of everyone, "Hi Lianne." And so there it was, the moment I had been waiting for, all eyes on me. Right away I apologized for how emotional I was and would be, haha, no surprise there for those reading who know me at all!! I've had bigger audiences than this before, at dance recitals year after years, and just last year under the beaming hot lights on stage for national coming out day at clark university this past october, but this…this was different, not sure how, but it just was, perhaps because it's still fairly fresh, fresh in my heart, mind and everyday life. That's just it, it's been six months, but not an easy six months. Life isn't easy though, so just talk about it, everyone is listening. All eyes and ears on me. You would think I would remember exactly what I said, but I just remember bits and pieces and I'll always remember how I felt. I felt deserving, so deserving of my seat in these meetings, these small church halls filled with so much support and hope and genuine kindness. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Staying on topic, I spoke about my life thus far, life after booze. It was December 29, and I just didn't have a drink that day, nothing ever said about me quitting. December 29, turned into not drinking december 30, and so on, and since Miss doesn't drink, not drinking on New Years Eve was no big deal either. It was a rough few months, I was miserable and just having a hard time, without getting into much detail, I explained work and friends. I worked with some of the best people, but you take alcohol out of the equation and what did we have left. I found myself miserable and irritated, quite honestly not knowing why. But there was a common theme still even without drinking, and that was everyone I worked with who I had partied with very frequently were still talking about their drinking weekends and plans, and it just wasn't the same. I tried being the same and setting up "book clubs" with old coworkers and new to get together after work, but for whatever reasons it just didn't work out, which I'm not sure how I felt about it then, but maybe it was for the best. I have heard at recent meetings, and typed it in previous blogs, that we must stay away from our playmates and playground, and although I didn't drink at work, I drank many many nights and weekends with those I worked with, feeling hurt and miserable by lack of communication and comments of me drinking water, or so forth, I needed to do something about it sooner or later because it just wasn't fair to the kids I worked with, the coworkers or myself if I would continue this misery during the week but I would be having a blast on the weekends. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Change is hard, I said, as I choked up. No one wants to change, but like I said things change, and in six months, I have seen a lot of change. So I'm not sure how I ended up here in these meetings, but ironically my first meeting was April Fools Day, and I have gone to other meetings since as well, but it's these tuesday night meetings I find I am most comfortable, and supported. I have since changed jobs, and although the pay may be a little less or equal to, my mental health is far more important at this time in my life. Putting yourself first isn't easy, but it's the necessary thing to do for any kind of happiness and sobriety in life. "Thanks Lianne," and it was break time. I couldn't stop smiling or sweating while I remained seated near Miss, as she put her arm around me and said she was so proud of me. A guy came over to me, who I hadn't spoken with before but see frequently at these meetings, and he shook my hand, reassured me that the guilt and resentment will go away, and one can't worry about what other people say or think, you are being true to yourself and that's all that matters. He said it in a very loving grizzly bear kind of grandfather way, a little more grizzly on the outside but a softy on the inside I'm sure. Another guy who had high-fived me after my coin, said congratulations again. After break the meeting continued, and a few people who spoke made references to me and what I had said, it felt amazing!! As if the night couldn't get any better…we ended the night as always with the raffle and a prayer holding hands in a circle. The raffle was called and it was ME!!!!!! I WON THE RAFFLE!!!! The last three digits were 075… the 5!!!!!!!! That's our number. and today's date, 7/1….7-1=6…6 months sober!!!!!!! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Craziness. As if I couldn't smile anymore. We joined hands, with my raffle ticket and coin in my hand still, then I proceeded to pick up some chairs to put away as always, when the person chairing, came over to me with the book I had won, titled Living Sober. He asked me if I had this book, when I said no, he said ok good. It's a great book and what you were talking about tonight about friendships and hardships you go through to get sober, it's a simple easy read and just filled with really good stuff. He said good to see you girls tonight and as we headed to the door, another guy, who I haven't seen before also told me, "it was good to hear ya tonight." </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It was good to talk tonight, it was a great talk, a great night. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><div class="blogger-post-footer">Thanks for reading, Lianne</div>Liannehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01769612482710367114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6528977910240785263.post-84061003319780218062014-06-15T08:57:00.000-04:002014-06-19T06:40:48.171-04:00worry. waste of time.What a month it has been and it's only half way through. To say we have been busy is an understatement these days, if it's not one thing it's another…weddings, trips to Maine to visit family and friends, birthday dinners and parties, vacation at the beach house and starting a new job.<br>
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It's been quite the emotionally, stressful and bittersweet past few weeks, or months maybe I should say that led me to this point in deciding a new job at this point in my life is best. I knew I was getting burnt out, I knew I needed a change, not sure why it was happening or what exactly else I would be good at doing, but I knew I wasn't being good at this anymore for whatever reasons and that's not fair to the people I work with, and especially the children I work directly with on a day to day basis. I was having fun, having a blast on the weekends with my sober life…figuring out things to do together sober, and also just not having enough time to worry about what to do because we are surrounded by family at get togethers, dinners and birthday celebrations! The aa meeting last tuesday was packed to the max, probably only a few seats empty. It was there that I heard "people places and things," "you have to stay away from people, places and things." I am not sure how you do that considering those things are all around you; however, Ted said it best a few minutes later when he was talking about the end of his drinking days and how he wanted to stop drinking at that point simply because it wasn't fun any longer, he just didn't know how. So with his story, he also said "you have to stay away from your playmates and playgrounds." That made sense to me, maybe not that night, but with some more thought about it, it couldn't have been more true. Not because I want to stay away and lose friendships, but in order to keep the changes positive, you can't be going to the same bars, same restaurants with the same people you used to drink with, how then does the obsession of drinking go away, it just can't.<br>
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With all that said, I gave my two week notice at the place I have held the longest employment thus far. Five plus years of many many monday through fridays with the same faces, same routine, and expectations. Five plus years… my longest work relationship thus far!! This was supposed to be a career, a place I could maybe see myself retiring from, but it turned into something it wasn't and for whatever reasons, I need to move on. So as unexpected and very sudden it may have come to some of my coworkers, it was the same abrupt feeling for me too. If I have learned anything these past five years working in the school system, and struggling in my personal life with my own failed engagement, relationships, and so forth and come out of it alive and well and happy, then I shouldn't be afraid of change and what the future brings. If I have learned anything these past five plus years, it's that when the time comes to put yourself first, to take care of yourself, then you must and there isn't anything else to say but that you must put yourself first at times, it's not easy, but no one will treat you better than you can treat yourself, love yourself and respect yourself. I'm not saying I'm still not trying to do all those things better each and every day, but you get what I am saying.<br>
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This past week, things have been put into perspective for me, shed a new light on certain situations. Miss and I come from different households, different places, have had different experiences and such, but mostly we are very similar types of people. We want the same things for ourselves and our future of one day hoping to have a family together someway somehow, and experience new things and new places together, we want to be happy. Happy isn't just a smile on our faces after a good weekend. Happy together is being able to compromise, communicate, share, trust and respect when times are good bad and ugly. We have both experienced significant loss in our lives, and she has come face to face with almost losing her best friend, two years ago around this time of year when her best friend was fighting to stay alive. Miss has also lost her ability to work, run and play like she used to do because of an every day routine mail delivery when she was working as a mail carrier, and took a little step off a porch that just so happened to be a little ditch she couldn't see covered by leaves. A little fall changed her life. What I am getting at is she puts things in perspective for me every single day, but this past week was intense and perhaps just what I needed to get through my own stuff going on in my head.<br>
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AHHHH, if I could just get out of my own head every great while, life would be so much easier sometimes. Why am I worrying about all the things that don't matter, worry shouldn't even exist. Life is far far too short, as I have seen with so many deaths over the years of loved ones lives ending far earlier than their years. Can you imagine living without worry? Worry about where I am going to live, where we are going to live when my parents sell the house, who cares…we will move in with them and save money for a place of our own, at least we have parents that are willing and can help us out with this. Worrying about never being able to be a mom, to be pregnant. I shouldn't worry but it's hard to not think about it. I am healthy to date as far as I know from being to the doctors more frequently these past few months than ever; I can walk, talk, and play and run if I want to. I can do all these things and more, and with the support and love from both our families, we can do anything we want to these days. So imagine if the worry all went away, what would change in our lives, for the better?!?<br>
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I have had the best weekends of my life, and I say that to her every weekend, "this is the best weekend ever, thank you!" and she says to me, "I'm pretty sure you said that about last weekend, hahaha." Well then so what if I did, right? It's time to start having the best days of my life not just the weekends. How do we do that… for me, I need to be more positive, how in the heck do I do that, I need to surround myself with people who encourage that positivity, who love and support me in all that I do. Instead of to do lists, I should write gratitude lists, and lists of all the things I have, rather than those things I do not have, or not have yet. Eight years ago I got Russell because I couldn't stand people anymore, all the loss in my life, and all the pain of trying to find love, I needed someone who depended on me, I needed a reason to get up in the morning. And now eight years later, I am marrying someone who doesn't like animals, how does that work. It works with great patience, lots of communication and discipline. Proof that just because something may be fate and meant to be, love still requires patience, communication, respect, trust and understanding.<br>
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He was my reason for still feeling needed in the world, and you are my reason I didn't give up on everyone, didn't give up on finding a reason for feeling loved in the world, not by a dog, but by another human being. I love you Bebs!!!!!<div class="blogger-post-footer">Thanks for reading, Lianne</div>Liannehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01769612482710367114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6528977910240785263.post-77177955475686873552014-06-04T07:27:00.002-04:002014-06-19T06:39:44.171-04:00pretty pink coinIf everyone went to open discussions AA meetings, the world may just be a happier place. If there were meetings titled miserable people meetings, would people show up? Is that enough of a reason to go to a therapy like setting, and a free one at that? maybe, maybe not. There was so much laughter in the room last night, it was so good to hear. That's the thing….these AA meetings are anything but depressing.<br>
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Last night's topic was from a horoscope about attitude. If you have the right attitude, and surround yourself with the right kind of people for you, and stuff like that. I forget word for word but you get the idea. The person who volunteers to chair and run the meeting chooses a topic, tells their story and then opens it up for discussion. I was hesitant to raise my hand in the beginning, so I didn't. As the night went on and I heard more stories about this topic, my hand crept up slowly. I didn't speak tonight. I chickened out at the end when we were running out of time. I will talk, I will talk sometime soon. However, tonight, I did go up in the beginning to receive my 5 month coin! On the way back to my chair, I got a high five from Sam, who I'm pretty sure whistled again. Oh, and Paula said I had a nice smile in the beginning of the meeting. At break time, Alex shook my hand as well as a few others passing by said their big congratulations!<br>
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It's a pretty light pink coin with the number 5 in the middle among some encouraging words and on the flip side of the coin, it is the serenity prayer. A prayer we often end the meetings with in a circle holding hands. I played with the coin all night, tossing the idea around of speaking at last nights meeting. Til next time though.<br>
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Attitude. People spoke of many things I could relate to as usual. People spoke about troubled work experiences or people at work that irritated them; people spoke of life at a certain age, what's left for them and people spoke about having bad days, which really didn't seem so bad, like forgetting that their car was at Monroe for an oil change instead of elsewhere which led them to call the cops thinking their car was stolen. It's all about attitude. The people you hang around can make or break it, as well as your own personal attitude on things, anything!<br>
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It's so hard to stay in the present. I have never been one to easily do that. I hold grudges, I don't forget easily, and I have had a lot of loss in my life, so what's there to be so positive about all the time?! For the mother and father who I still have in my life and are still married, for my siblings, my family members who are living and well and healthy for the most part, for my amazing fiancé who has taught me a lot about myself and being in a healthy loving relationship, and for my health for the most part is good too. There are lots of things to be thankful for, I get that, and I have always been thankful for things and people in my life. The world makes it so easy to focus on the bad and the negative, but all that negativity can become so draining and ugly.<br>
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I have cried (and laughed) more in the past seven months, genuinely laughed and cried. I think it's because for so long, I didn't have time to cry or laugh or really be there for myself. I had always been in relationships which required me to take care of other people, financially, emotionally, or just enough of everything else that I never put Lianne first. So when I did, when I finally had enough grieving of past failed relationships and engagements, I kept going to the gym and partied, a lot. I went to work because that's what you do, then the gym because I was determined even though the scale didn't say much, and partied a lot. Almost every weekend, at least every two weeks, there would be a reason to celebrate or just a ladies night at a local bar I would go to. There were nights I didn't remember driving friends home. How lucky I was to have never injured myself let alone another human being. "Let's go have a drink after work," "What are you doing this weekend, let's go out for a drink!" or "Sure why not." I never stopped at one, or two, or three for that matter most times. It wasn't like years before when I would pour myself a drink to unwind after the work day, only to fall asleep on the couch with it half consumed. So yeah, I only drank heavily for maybe the past year and a half or almost two, but that's not the point. The point of all this is that looking back, I don't remember a time when I didn't drink much. I hardly never drank in high school, I was way too scared of that, and it took me some time to start drinking in college too, but I got the hang of it. Who doesn't bring some malibu rum mixed with fruit punch in a clear water bottle to their 11:15am class on a Tuesday morning of their 21st birthday? yum! There were some times I may have embarrassed myself a little more than usual but who doesn't go through all of that when they are drinking and having fun? I could go on and on, but the point that I am trying to make is at the end of my drinking days, it wasn't fun anymore. It was like a chore that required many naps before I started. It would start out fun, and then someone would just end up crying or being too emotional, or be too drunk to function and pass out. When did I not care about driving buzzed or drunk? Where was that little girl in high school or even college that was so scared of the law and getting in trouble….what happened to her when she was drinking? Alcohol was my choice drug that's all. I was self medicating myself because I had more than enough time on my hands to dwell on the past like I do and wonder if I'd be alone for the rest of my life too. I had all the time in the world, and only had to get up to go to work, then the rest of the day and night were mine.<br>
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These past five months, I have been struggling with the feelings of not being fun. I'm no fun anymore since I'm not drinking, or what's there to do with people and other couples other than drink? There are lots of people who don't drink, I remember one guy saying in a meeting a few weeks ago. There are? because I only know a select few, including my dad and my fiancé. Where are those people? I need to find those people. It's funny that I cancelled my therapist appointment Monday night, but I didn't think twice about how it's a busy week and maybe I should skip my Tuesday night meeting. Everyone should go to AA meetings, because these people are the most normal people I've ever met with everyday struggles and truth, but also personal victory stories, no matter how small or big they may be. It's all about attitude and finding those who help make your attitude better. So yesterday I started taking those steps in making my attitude better, even if that means more changes in the future. I can't be worried about where I'm going to live, or how I'm going to do this and that. I paid off my 34,000 dollar car loan finally and I sure as hell didn't think I'd be able to do that! I met someone I am truly happy with and am going to spend my life with. Love and life is about sacrifice, commitment, dedication, and strength. Be grateful for those who remain in your life no matter how crazy you may be, no matter how foolish or reckless you may have been, or how bitchy you come across because you are so frustrated with figuring things out, you forgot to live in this wonderful moment. I have a lot of things that others don't have, and if I sit here any longer naming the things that other's have that I don't, I'm going to continue to sabotage my relationships with people and more importantly myself.<br>
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<br><div class="blogger-post-footer">Thanks for reading, Lianne</div>Liannehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01769612482710367114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6528977910240785263.post-5121706326927037882014-05-21T21:35:00.003-04:002014-05-21T21:35:52.299-04:00one day at a time. <div style="text-align: center;">
One day at at a time. That's all that we can do. So much easier said than done. One day at a time was the topic last night at the tuesday aa beginners meeting, ironically filled with people who have been earning their seat as early as 1992 and then some. Why are they here still? How come they have to come to meetings still? Wow, after all these years they still need reminders and to talk about their journey. If you were to ask me all these questions almost two months ago when I walked into my very first meeting, I wouldn't have been so sure how to answer, but now, now I get it. </div>
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One day at a time. Everyone's different with different pasts and experiences, but we all have one thing in common at those meetings. We are not normal social drinkers. They keep coming to the meetings because of the friendships they have formed, the feeling of helping others in the meetings as well as themselves, and why not come to the meetings, it's free therapy! As mentioned in previous discussions, "people in AA are some of the most normal people I have ever met," said John. It's true. People in AA are there because they can't manage a huge part of their life, but it's not always about the alcohol. That's the drug of choice: alcohol, but it's all the other things in their life that became/become unmanageable due to the misuse or abuse of alcohol beyond one's control. </div>
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Living in the moment. One day at a time! A lot of great things were said last night. "If you have one foot in the past and one foot in the future, you piss all over today." "Live in the now...NOW...no other way!" A wise older woman who delivered a great thought at last nights meeting..."let's be more childlike. Children know how to live in the moment, in the present...have you ever interrupted a child during play in their sandbox? Yes sure it's lunch time but they must finish what they were building or playing with...that's living in the moment in the now!" </div>
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It seemed much easier back then before we were corrupted by the world we live in. Alcohol is everywhere and it's a legal drug! Thousands and thousands of people misuse or abuse it everyday!! So why is there such shame or embarrassment by being an alcoholic?! Why do we even have to worry about going out to a restaurant with coworkers after work or a holiday party with friends or family? Why do we have to worry what others will think or say if we don't pick up a drink with the rest of them? It's like worrying about people not liking your outfit or the way you wear your hair. Most others don't really care about those things, we tend to care mostly about our own self, so why the shame?<br />
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My first meeting I attended, like I have mentioned in previous blogs, I did not introduce myself as an alcoholic. But I am. I am an abnormal drinker. I didn't drink every day, but when I did…I couldn't stop myself. I didn't know when to stop. I kept going and why not. I had no responsibilities, I had no one who loved me waiting at home. I had a job, I had friends, I was just having a good time, not hurting anyone….but I was. I was hurting, but in a different way. Just like you grieve in different stages, I guess I was hurting in different stages. The anger and sadness was gone, so bring on the irresponsible fun and recklessness.<br />
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To be here typing this to you, I am so fortunate. If anything these past sober months, I have revisited over and over my past drinking nights, days and afternoons and there is not one proud moment, nor fun for that matter. Yes, I had fun, but in the beginning. Almost every single drinking day and/or night that started out fun ended in future embarrassments, heartaches, or terrible decisions! I am fortunate that peeing myself the second time was enough. The first time, I was by myself. The second and last time, I was with my friend sharing a sleep space, but thank god she didn't notice, or maybe she did and just didn't say anything. I drank in the mornings, I drank by myself, I drank out of control at family functions and random nights. But maybe that was it, peeing myself and sleeping through it! Wake up!! Who lives like that? Who was taking care of me? No one but myself and I was doing a terrible job at it.<br />
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There is no shame in not drinking among friends at a holiday party, or at the beach house among family. There is shame and embarrassment in peeing yourself while sharing a bed with a friend on vacation. There is shame in stumbling home being held up by friends. There is shame in letting people take advantage of your body and emotions. There is no shame in choosing to not doing something any longer that allows you to think clearer and function day to day making better life choices, even if it means a few extra tears along the days, some days.<br />
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People have told me "I was scared when you drank, I saw it, you couldn't stop" and yes, I could be upset as to why they didn't intervene earlier, but I'm too embarrassed to feel anything but shame and humility. Many people at the meetings have said they remembered their last drink, and how they don't want to forget their past because they don't ever want to end up back there. I don't ever want to be so helpless, so vulnerable and so humiliated again.<br />
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One day at a time. One day at a time without alcohol and just with life in general. We don't know what tomorrow brings, but we need, I need to stop living in the past and all the ridiculousness it has attached to it. What's done is done. I have made it to where I am because this is where I am supposed to be. I truly believe everything happens for a reason. My angels in the sky were looking over me, and I scared them too many times, along with those still here in my life. You never realize just how far you've come until life changing things have happened to you, and I have come pretty damn far! I have come too far to do anything stupid to mess up what's ahead for me in this crazy beautiful world.<br />
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"if you collect your pennies, you'll become a millionaire, if you collect your days, you'll have years and years of sobriety."<br />
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"alcohol doesn't control me, it doesn't tell me who to hang out with, where to go, and what to do anymore"<br />
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"my normal is pretty great now, I enjoy warm showers... spending time with my family… I couldn't enjoy those things before because they didn't happen"<br />
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<div class="blogger-post-footer">Thanks for reading, Lianne</div>Liannehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01769612482710367114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6528977910240785263.post-1881939719759575162014-05-08T06:56:00.000-04:002014-06-19T06:36:48.636-04:00Accept today. It truly is a gift many won't get.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I can only speak for myself about the quote above, it holds a lot of truth. As easy as it sounds, It hasn't been the easiest process for me…about ten years in the making…but there was something about the tuesday night aa meeting that brought a new light to the whole concept of acceptance and forgiveness. <div><br></div><div>It was step 2, "came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity," the topic of discussion and like every Tuesday night many people shared and again there were a few things of what people said that caught my attention more than the rest. If we don't believe in a higher power whether that person be God or whomever or whatever.... We have to believe that we are not in control of all things. There is always going to be death, accidents, loss and a change of your plans because you can't control everything nor everyone. We have to forgive those who hurt us but more importantly forgive ourselves. Someone else spoke of "let it happen." Ahh that is such a struggle for me on a daily basis. My life was just happening with alcohol but in a different sense of the phrase... It was happening and I had absolutely no to little control about those drinking nights...that only led to not arrests or duis, but just headaches, heartaches and confusion. Why was I adding more of that into my life? Was it really helping me forget the past hurt? No, it added more hurt and more heartache and thoughts of loneliness forever. </div><div><br></div><div>I don't need that anymore. I don't have drama in my life like that anymore. Alcohol added so much fun, yeah sure but so much confusion, empty lonely thoughts and more headaches. It was a temporary novacane for me. </div><div><br></div><div>I have cried more in the past four months than I have in a long time. The novacane is no longer there. The reality of life is and how there are some things we can not control or even plan no matter how hard we try. And to really understand things that have happened to me in my life, I needed to remove alcohol because with all that liquid courage came much confusion and drama and dwelling. I don't want to feel how I have felt for past years and years. I've always wanted to forgive and most importantly move on with my life accepting the things I can not change, accepting those who have forever left my life on this earth, and those who have chose to not be apart of my life for whatever reasons. </div><div><br></div><div>I am no longer chasing those reasons, unanswered questions or lost hopes. I am embracing today and all of my flaws and everything that makes me so strong, beautiful and lovig because I am all of those things and much more. </div><div><br></div><div>Walking in to the room this past Tuesday and having Paula and Alex and Sam say Hi Lianne and even Hi Missy was some kind of big feeling I can't really explain, other than awesome and fulfilling. It made my heart happy. </div><div><br></div><div>She makes my heart happy too. I wouldn't have had that time with my brother (in my last blog) if I wasn't sober and the same for him. I couldn't be more proud of him for staying with his school and finishing soon, and giving him his addiction that has haunted him for years. </div><div><br></div><div>There is so much to be thankful for, so much that makes me happy and so much I have been missing out on. I have all that I need and will be blessed with whatever each day brings to us. <br><br>
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<br></div><div class="blogger-post-footer">Thanks for reading, Lianne</div>Liannehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01769612482710367114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6528977910240785263.post-14006369935124666232014-05-05T09:04:00.003-04:002014-05-05T10:47:14.462-04:00good ol' daysThis weekend has been something like mind changing, but to the ordinary eye it may have just been some regular old weekend. To me...It wasn't! It started Thursday when my therapist was pleasantly surprised I have still been attending aa meetings. Not only attending, but this weekend you could say I included more of the aa meetings into my daily life, or maybe it was time that it just kind of happened that way, either way it was a great weekend. <div><br></div><div>Friday night was dinner and bowling with Miss' cousin and her boyfriend. Good laughs, an easy going fun friday night, but the best part the night, besides of course laughing and being with my fiancé and some of her extended family, was that no one drank any alcohol. We all had a great time talking at dinner and laughing, then bowling for two competitive hours thanks to groupon, and a quick card game at their house. It seems such a simple concept but really I can not remember a time hanging out and laughing at dinner and bowling without alcohol among great company!! On the way home, I couldn't help but stare at my fiancé with a smile on my face. I enjoyed myself!! I am fun without drinking!!! A topic that was discussed thursday at therapy. The biggest struggle I have had with no alcohol in my life. The fearful thoughts that I was just no fun without drinking, and like my therapist said, "that's sad Lianne, that you think you're no fun… it's not about the alcohol, it's your personality and who you are, you are a fun loving person."<br>
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After work Saturday, Miss and I took a drive, an unplanned drive, sightseeing the surrounding towns, and potential places we could afford to live someday. Life is fun with her, life is how it should be with her by my side, in the driver seat, taking me for a ride of my life. This is supposed to feel like this!! Buying snacks, holding hands, talking about the scenery…"we could totally live here some day!" And someday we will live somewhere in the most perfect house for us, holding our babies. Sugar highs, random drives, and driving ranges in Palmer, Ma.<br>
<br>Just when I thought the weekend couldn't get any better…. Sunday after church, with no plans to do lots of nothing, turned out to be the breakfast out, and a little shopping for my bride to be best friend was exactly what I needed. However, it didn't stop there. We ended up napping on the couches of my parent's house with Miss saying "are we pulling a Cosky?" haha, yes yes we are. When in rome do as the romans, so when at my parents do as my parents…nap on the couch. :) Only to be woken up by my brother's arrival home from coaching and reffing, asking us what we were going to eat already! The three of us had a very enjoyable dinner with laughs and lots of conversation with and without our waiter, but mostly with (haha), at a local pizza place. "I don't get out much," he kept saying, but with smiles and laughter across his face, no shame, anger or sadness. And that made it all worth it even though our bill was outrageous (and we didn't even have alcohol!!!) but it was all worth it!<br>
<br>It didn't stop there, even though it probably should have since he needed to sleep before his overnight shift. We went back to the house and hung out in the sitting room with a little youtube music videos from back in the day. A little home karaoke if you will. Just like the good ol' days in our play room upstairs in the house we grew up in. Just like those days. I can't put into words the feelings I have from last night. I will cherish the photos we took, so I can remember it. But this feeling, this feeling I hope is the beginning of these new good ol' days we are making for years ahead.<div class="blogger-post-footer">Thanks for reading, Lianne</div>Liannehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01769612482710367114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6528977910240785263.post-57815713871632482892014-04-29T07:40:00.003-04:002014-04-29T07:40:32.533-04:00not your rock bottom, but MY rock bottomIt has been 122 days since I last drank a drop of alcohol….ok maybe more than a drop, so yeah,…four months sober today, alcohol free. That's 2,928 hours…175,680 minutes… ok you get the idea?! Four months, to some may not seem like a long time, to others it is a very long time. Going without something you have had whenever you wanted or in my recent year and a half or so, whenever you gathered with friends.<br />
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Last week's meeting, many spoke about change. No one likes change, they all stated it, and even so if they didn't, it's just kind of one of those things that goes without saying. Who likes changing their ever so comfortable routine, and especially a big change, who wants to do that? Everyone's rock bottom is different, that is definitely something I have learned/heard at these meetings. Everyone's rock bottom is different!! And that is important for me to understand and be reminded of.<br />
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Looking back at my drinking this past year and a half or so, when I was so broken and torn from different previous relationships, so broken about having to move back into my parents house after seven years of being out on my own, so broken about never ever finding someone to share my life with…yes, I probably (still have a hard time admitting it but that's ok, because I am getting there) hit MY rock bottom, not yours, not anyone else's, but mine. The things I have done, I sure as hell am not proud of. Do I remember the nights? Did I have fun in those moments? You bet I did, but the consequences of my actions could have been very dangerous or even fatal. Was it safe to drive all those times, not once, not twice, but multiple times, driving buzzed and even more than buzzed drinking and driving? Definitely was not! Driving buzzed is still drunk driving. And for whatever reason, my rock bottom never included being pulled over, or even scared by the thought of being pulled over (something I was fearful of in earlier years, just fearing cops in general or getting in trouble) apparently all went out the window drink by drink. So now I thank whoever was watching over me all those times, be grateful that my rock bottoms were not public knowledge, to some extent they were though. Friends hanging on to me as I struggle home, only to not remember passing by a cop car or whatever else on the way back. You get the point, they were not all happy drinking hanging out with friends times. Why couldn't I just have one or two and be satisfied with that. Instead, it was ok why not one more, or another one…but those snuck up on ya by the end of the night, and by then it's too late. The next morning, "maybe I shouldn't have had that many," but rather my thoughts were "glad I made it home."<br />
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Do I miss certain things about it? My first reaction answer may be a yes I do, I miss some of the good times and laughs with friends. Do I miss drinking? After smelling the wine bottles we are cleaning for centerpieces, maybe a little, but why, I wasn't even a big wine drinker, but it smelled good and fruity.<br />
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Do I miss drinking and getting so gone that I pissed myself in my sleep I didn't even know it more than once? Do I miss drinking and getting in the car, focusing so hard and trying to keep my eyes open, chewing my gum and worrying about going the speed limit so I blend in and can just make it home? No. What was my problem, why didn't I think this was a terrible idea? I never got in trouble as a kid, such fear of being in trouble or doing something wrong, some may have called me a prude or neurotic, paranoid whatever. So who was this person, just getting in the car after drinks and drinks most weekends time and time again, and drinking to the point of being incoherent when I knew I didn't have to drive home but slouch over passed out in the passengers seat to be dropped home at my house or my mothers, to find the nearest couch or bed in my clothes to sleep for the remaining of the night. Who was this person?<br />
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Miss told me yesterday that she loves this Lianne. She loves me more and more every day. She says I am more confident. It's funny she says that, because I thought with alcohol and not a care in the world anymore I was the most confident. It was all just a coping mechanism that wasn't going to last forever.<br />
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So did I hit rock bottom? Maybe you don't think so, maybe you can't see it or understand it, but did I hit MY rock bottom? Most definitely.<br />
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Be smart. Be kind. Be mindful. Be respectful of yourself and others. Be responsible.<div class="blogger-post-footer">Thanks for reading, Lianne</div>Liannehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01769612482710367114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6528977910240785263.post-52205607371221250322014-04-10T21:07:00.001-04:002014-04-10T21:14:11.170-04:00a little patience and a lot of faith<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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There is so much truth in this quote. I remember being told this as early as middle school by so called friends. And I wouldn't really understand, and never really understood why I shouldn't say how I feel. This is me, that was me, so what if I said what was on my mind. I'm glad I never really listened to my so called friends, because it led me here. Say how you feel, always. No regrets, yes sure I have said some silly stuff or not so great stuff, but those were the choices I made and I tell her just about every week or so that she is my reason. It goes along with the quote above…"it always ends up just the way it should be." It sure does. </div>
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Everything happens for a reason, and everything is worth it. The waiting, the hoping, the searching…all the stuff we go through to get to where we should be, to get to where we think we may never end up, it couldn't be more worth it when you finally get there. And I am here. I finally got here and it's so much better than I could have ever dreamt. </div>
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We are planning a wedding, looking for house, paying my car off, doing things, saving money, changing my focus on to my family, our families, my sobriety, making better choices, looking forward to church sundays, and family dinners, and day trips with each other getting lost on the open road. These things some of which I have done before and some I have not, either way, they are all new. New experiences, new adventures, new me…more meaningful experiences, more fun adventures, a more meaningful me. </div>
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I don't do small changes. Something I thought about today and yesterday. I do big things or nothing at all. I go all out or stay all in. Like when I got my eyebrow pierced, or went out and bought a dog…both with little thought but I very much knew I wanted both of these things so I did/got them. I have made other life changes that others may have not understood at the time, but looking back, no regrets, and am happier than ever. I have had some deja vu with all of these big changes again with my most recent big change of not drinking….deciding to be sober, quit drinking…however you word it, talk about it or label it, I have made another big change in my life that people may or may not approve or question it. I am being a more meaningful me, living my life in a different way than I have, yes, but a more meaningful me, doing things I have never even imagined I would in my lifetime. Looking for a house? Paying off my 34,000 dollar car loan? what what??? Holding the same job for the past five years? I am doing the most meaningful things I have ever done in my life and it feels great!! </div>
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It's a transition. It's a change. It's something that will take time and patience. Will it all be worth it? Will I lose some people who were once close to me? Yes and Yes. But again, for the second time in my life, I am doing me, and that's not always easy. </div>
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I never thought I would find a love like ours, ever. I never thought I'd see the day I am paying this car loan off….someday very soon I will be holding the title to the very first car I will own, and I never ever thought I would own a house someday…and all of this is because of you, because of US. I love you more than you can even imagine, but I hope someday, someday sooner than later, you know just how much I do love you, and am so grateful you showed up in my life again. </div>
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You are my reason. I love you, I love us. </div>
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<br /><div class="blogger-post-footer">Thanks for reading, Lianne</div>Liannehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01769612482710367114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6528977910240785263.post-71456608044812395852014-04-01T22:39:00.000-04:002014-06-19T06:31:30.813-04:00progress not perfectionWalked in to a church very much like the one we attend, white on the outside, the double doors, which were locked this evening as we were to enter the single side door that was labeled something or other fellowship hall. We took the first two seats to our left as we walked in the room full of unfamiliar faces. A silent tone as a reader was reading about the program welcoming statements, followed by the leader who read the reminders of the church hall and whatnot. The meeting began with welcoming everyone. "Hi my name is Jamie, I'm an alcoholic;" "Hi Jamie," "Hi my name is Will, I'm an alcoholic," "Hi Will," "Hi I am Lianne," "Welcome Lianne," "Hi I am Missy," "Welcome Missy"…and around the room we went. I wasn't quite sure what to think today, as all this hype, questioning and whatnot had been leading up to this very moment of me (and Miss) attending my first AA meeting. The why's, the questioning, the assumption that I am not an alcoholic so why go to the meetings…all led up to this very moment, not sure what I was thinking when I was sitting there and listening, but I was surely and truly listening to them all. Taking it all in, and sooner or later actually laughing and sighing with the rest of them, saying my "hi's" and "thank you's" with the rest of the group. Sooner or later, relating to some parts of their stories. Tonight's topic was how and when people first realized or accepted or both that they were alcoholics and/or addicts. It was a beginners meeting; however, not many at all were beginners. Some had been to these meetings 24 years now, since 1989, or 1992, or seven years or five years or their first day. All different kinds of people too. People who grew up with alcoholic grandparents, parents…some watched them die of the disease. In and out of these meetings people talked about their denial, their knowing they were an alcoholic but not ready to accept it. Alcoholics come in all different sizes, shapes, and appearances. There is no such certain look to an alcoholic, but many of them mentioned that was always what they had thought themselves: a person who was homeless, no job, drinking out of a paper bag and smelling of urine. However, there were just a few stories of people losing their jobs and living out of their cars or halfway houses and homeless shelters. Alcoholics look like me and you. I could relate to some parts of their stories, holding back my tears as Miss put her arm around me.<br>
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Alcoholics, lesbians, sex offenders, cancer survivors…whatever the title… look like you and me. </div>
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A few things resonate with me that were said by the different people willing to tell parts of their stories tonight. "Trying to eat 5 or 6 pieces of bread to try and sober up before driving home," "it was only one DUI, I only got arrested once, those were pretty good odds since I drank a lot," "I would still be hungover the next morning and talking about going out tonight drinking to the bars," … but mostly this one that went something like this, Alcoholism isn't about drinking every waking hour, or even drinking every day for that matter, it's the way you feel afterwards, but still talk about getting smashed with friends, or not being able to wait til the work day is over and going to get hammered tonight or over the weekend, social drinkers don't talk like that, they can have one or two or maybe even three, they don't worry about finding a designated driver…" and he continued, but those stuck with me. It was the same guy who said those things earlier about trying to eat all this bread to sober up and drive home, thanking god maybe the next morning that you made it home alive. </div>
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I've never smashed up cars, flipped over or even dented cars, never been arrested or lived in a half way house, lost family members or even relationships because of my drinking, but I do know that I'm lucky I have never wrapped my car around a telephone pole, hurt myself or anyone else when apparently eating those three or four slices of pizza did not sober me up enough to drive my friend and myself home. I do know that being addicted to whatever the thing is, alcoholism is in my family, it's in my blood. I saw a lot of my dad there, and wondered just how much shit he went through with his dad, an alcoholic, his mom who was in love with an alcoholic, and my dad himself drinking by a very early age which led to other stuff. As another guy said, "I didn't start drinking at age 10 and then was handed a trench coat and a paper bag of booze the next day, it's the progression that will kill you." </div>
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I went because I wanted to go...unsure of the exact reasons but that's not important. Whatever the reason, whether it was to bring me closer to my dad and his addiction he conquered, to bring me closer to my mom and hear her stories of my dad and her going to AA meetings as dates, to bring me closer to my grandparents, to bring me closer to understanding addiction in all it's forms, to bring me closer to my brothers, and myself. Free therapy in addition to my regular therapy, but will I get more out of these meetings, quite possible at this point in my life. I am going on four months sobriety myself. Do I think I am an alcoholic? Do I think I had a problem with alcohol or an addiction? Did I make stupid possible life altering choices while drinking? An alcoholic, an addict…they are your neighbors, your bank tellers, your plumbers, your teachers, your grandparents, your parents, your friends, and maybe even yourself. </div>
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I left the meeting with the same feeling but stronger as when I first entered if that makes any sense. It was yet another feeling I can not put into exact words. I reached for Miss' hand as we held each other walking back to the car, and I said "maybe we can do dinner with my mom on tuesdays so we can come to the meeting afterwards." And Miss stared back at me saying "sure we can." And that was that. I talked a little bit about it afterwards with my brother and mother as we picked Russell back up, and I knew I needed to blog before bed, or I wouldn't be able to fall asleep tonight. </div>
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It has been a very emotional day…few weeks. Today I found out in the most painful crampy way ever, that my fallopian tubes are not scarred and/or damaged from past stupid decisions and that I am one step closer to being a mom, to having a family with Miss. Today I heard the words "you are worth it" from the most loving caring genuine respectful person I can not wait to call my wife. Today I went to my first AA meeting. Today was a really emotionally healing and fulfilling day in so many ways. </div><div><br></div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">Thanks for reading, Lianne</div>Liannehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01769612482710367114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6528977910240785263.post-48667090591087210412014-03-09T22:53:00.002-04:002014-03-09T22:55:31.643-04:00"I'll kiss every scar that's been planted on your heart and love you for who you are"<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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They say never to cry over the same thing twice, once it's done it's done. Tonight I was crying to let it all out, every last bit…Missy has allowed me to cry, laugh, and feel beautiful. I need to stop thinking I don't deserve the love I have been given these past short five months, and it's truly just a preview of what is to come. I apologize in advance if you are reading this and I seem to be jumping all over the place, but then again, maybe you're used to that in some of my writings. </div>
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Anywho… I have been thinking about a lot and thinking about not thinking. I want to believe that I deserve this love and I truly know I do, she is my reason. All of these things, things that add up to our number five, the fact that we have met before, been to similar places, of all these things, of meeting again on an online dating site ten plus years later and a few hundred miles away, these things are not coincidences…it's fate, soul mates, call it what you want, but it's not coincidence. She truly is my reason. And so is Russell. Russell my schnoodle, my eight year old furry white haired curly love is my reason I didn't give up. </div>
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I wasn't looking for love, I wasn't looking for this, I was slowly giving up and maybe already had, but knew that I just couldn't be any other way. I couldn't be another depressed soul wasting away and causing loved ones pain and worry. But then again, I'm not so sure I wasn't making them not worry by my drinking a lot and making one too many reckless drives home from whatever bar or get together I was at. And now since I have not been drinking since December 28, 2013, people seem to think that it's weird and ask if I will ever drink again, or if I will drink at a social event or special occasion rather, but for right now, this very moment, I will not and do not plan on it, not even at my very own special occasion. My dad, a recovered alcoholic for more years than I have been alive, and I talked just briefly about it, very briefly. I just wanted to see or hear his reaction, and it was good. He mentioned how long he had been sober and that was it, pretty much it, but it was still good for me to hear. There was no judgement, no worry, no questions in his voice or our very short conversation. </div>
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Yes I had great times with alcohol, but I also put myself and maybe even others at times in danger; once I started, I didn't want to stop drinking until I was either incoherent or needed to be walked or driven home only to vomit or pee myself without realization of it all until morning, or hours later when I woke up. I made poor decisions in seeing people who I knew were no good for me and whatnot as well. What was the point of it all? But I can't think about it and I sure as hell can't change any of it. But would I want to change it? No, because it all, the good bad and the ugly, all of it has made me who I am and brought me to where I am. And that I truly can believe. Accidents happen, but this love, this love I have with you, Miss, this is no accident, we were suppose to meet again. </div>
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When I look into her eyes, I feel safe, so safe. I feel loved, unbelievably loved, and I feel beautiful, unbelievably beautiful. And then I started crying when I told her that tonight. All these emotions just keep pouring out of me, they better stop before we say our vows or I'm going to be one hot mess. ha. It's cleansing though. These tears, reliving some of these feelings, it's all kind of cleansing. There really isn't any other word to describe it. </div>
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Miss is not a dog person at all, and I mean at all!! The change I have seen in her with Russell, I couldn't ask for a better change. She loves me so much and has known from the beginning that if she is going to love me, Russell and I come as a package deal. She has been so amazing; the pictures she sends me of him and of the two of them even sometimes when I'm working; the fact that she takes him out at times when I'm so tired or busy doing something; the way she jokes around with him saying his name all excitedly so he gets excited even though she's not so thrilled, haha. She's amazing, and it means the world to me.</div>
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I bought Russell, as a two and a half month old shy little puppy, on a rainy wednesday afternoon March 15, 2006 because I couldn't stand people anymore. I truly just couldn't stand most people, so I got a dog. He was and still is my baby. And all these years, it has been the ongoing joke that I got him because I couldn't stand people, even though it held some truth. Tonight sitting with Miss, my words just poured out without any thought, but they made complete sense. Maybe I got Russell instead of a plant, because I had to be responsible for him, he was a life that now depended on me. No matter what the case was, no matter what my mood was, no matter how depressed I was over my friends leaving me without reasons, and no matter how saddened I was over the multiple losses of family loved ones, I had to get up out of bed. Every morning, I had to get up no matter what and take Russell out, feed him and care for him. He depended on me and before I knew it, I was depending on him. He knows when I am sad, and comforts me, he knows when I'm mad and keeps his distance, he has taught me love in a different form, a bond that is so much stronger than what may appear on the surface as just girl and her dog. Russell was my reason for not giving up. </div>
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You, Miss, you are my reason for not completely giving up. You truly do make me feel the most loved, the most beautiful person in the world. Flash backs of childhood drama like being the fattest ballerina in class, being a soccer midfielder but not being a runner, wearing elastic waist pants til I hit high school, just to name a few and even more so in my adult hood of never being good enough to be someone's girlfriend and all that jazz. So here I am with slighter puffier eyes tonight than this morning, but my heart even fuller. Time to go to bed and lay this all to rest with my most amazing fiancé, and someone I could not be happier to be calling my wife, someday very soon. </div>
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<div class="blogger-post-footer">Thanks for reading, Lianne</div>Liannehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01769612482710367114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6528977910240785263.post-77835848595492183292014-03-06T07:13:00.001-05:002014-03-06T07:13:45.754-05:00In every shadow, there is a light...<div style="text-align: center;">
It's been a little more of an emotional week than not. Who am I kidding… I have been an emotional little girl since I know my wedding is really happening, our wedding! I am getting married and I am beyond excited that this is finally happening for me!!!!!!! Even though my life has already begun with the person I am supposed to spend the rest of my life with; however, the wedding is well going to be amazing…and our marriage, well our marriage will be great too, filled with communication and lots of it, love, support, trust and respect. </div>
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I have had lots on my mind, and not about our wedding, the wedding planning is going well and we could have it any day now if we didn't already pick a date in december, haha. And planning things for my best friend's wedding in August!!!! so fun, but what really has been on my mind a lot this week, are the deja vu feelings of death happening over and over. </div>
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This past week and a half, or two weeks for that matter, since Miss lost her grandfather while we were vacationing in Myrtle Beach with her family, and then to learn about a young boy who her sister's husband had coached on the football team, studying abroad in Italy and dying due to foul play or something I'm not too sure of, and then again with her sister losing one of their three dogs. I guess bad things do happen in threes, or fours, or fives… A girl I used to dance with lost her youngest brother to suicide and is now not only grieving the loss of her brother and absolute best friend, but is also now an only child. </div>
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Deju vu feelings of my losses years ago, and yes they may hurt less, but for every holiday, birthday, anniversary or family gathering for that matter, they are missed, thought about and wished they were here still. So I guess with my wedding coming up, and death all around us as we end the winter season soon, I am a bit more emotional than usual. I just don't understand how people can take their own life, and/or why good people die so young. </div>
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I love the person I am, and I wish those I have lost could see me now. For I truly can say I love myself no matter how many zits I may have on my face, no matter the length of my annoying facial hair at times, and no matter the weight on the scale. Good things come to those who wait, and I'm glad I finally have the chance. </div>
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"Almighty God, I come to you because I am struggling inside. I dwell on the past hurts and heartaches and refuse to let them go and forgive. For that, forgive me. I spend so much time as a worrier, looking within, that I forget the promise of your son, given for me. For that I need forgiveness. I focus too many times on useless speculation of the unknown and fail to recall your promise of the Holy Spirit. Forgive me! For not remembering that you…live within and beside me forever. AMEN"</div>
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That was printed in the church program a fews weeks ago, and for obvious reasons it kinda stuck with me. So take it as you wish, but I do believe it may relate to most of you reading this in some way or another. GOD, something you believe in, someone you have lost… </div>
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<div class="blogger-post-footer">Thanks for reading, Lianne</div>Liannehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01769612482710367114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6528977910240785263.post-90281555795158338292014-02-17T10:20:00.001-05:002014-02-17T10:20:04.675-05:00Missy Monday And a happy monday it is while I am here sitting in a sunny living room of her parent's place in south carolina, a minute from myrtle beach to our left and surf side beach to our right. A windy cold 50 degrees for the natives, but a slight heat wave for us northerners. :) <div>
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Wake up when we wake up, card games and dominos with her parents, romantic ferris wheel ride, and an awesome seafood buffet yesterday/last night. Things could not be any better. </div>
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Our first valentine's day came and went…or happy hallmark day of love as I have called it for years now, being a bitter single soul or just not truly happy in my relationships pre-Missy. </div>
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She made me the most thoughtful gift… the alphabet of reasons I love Lianne. :) :) :) :) :)</div>
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As I made her a framed scrapbook page of our journey thus far which included a picture on our first date and a picture of us on our engagement night. It's just an amazing story that the both of us will never ever forget and we can not wait to tell our children about it someday!! The story of us and how we met (the second time around) and fell in love!!!!!</div>
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We are just both so fortunate to have found each other, found the love that we share and will continue to strengthen and share all our life together. It is just such a relief of a feeling to know you have finally found someone who makes life worth living! And I can tell in our parents that they are just so relieved and happy for the both of us. As my mom's cousin spoke of his children being both happy with their employment opportunities at this time. There was also a sigh of relief in his speech, that I can imagine both our parents have as we have found love and partnership!</div>
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We are both very grateful for our parents, their commitments to each other over years and years of marriage, and their blessings for our future and life together, whatever may happen, wherever life may take us, as long as we are together. I know we will have it all, as long as we are together. </div>
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We are both very driven, determined, organized, and loving, so loving of others, and real people that I truly believe we were made for each other. She is perfect for me, and we truly were meant to meet again. </div>
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<div class="blogger-post-footer">Thanks for reading, Lianne</div>Liannehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01769612482710367114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6528977910240785263.post-76100364081807460422014-02-05T22:09:00.001-05:002014-02-05T22:09:17.665-05:00Missy Monday's<div style="text-align: center;">
I fall in love with you over and over every time I look at you, hear your voice, touch you and hold you. I truly do not know where I would be without you here with me. Life makes sense with you, more than I could have ever imagined. </div>
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I stopped looking for someone like you years ago, realizing that maybe I just would be by myself or settle for someone less than I truly deserved. Because really, I was never so sure of what I was deserving of. You form habits, bad habits, ways of thinking, people's actions may just effect the way you think about yourself and your worth. The more you think these things, you tend to believe them and no matter how many people who love you, tell you the opposite, you focus on the negative. This makes sense in my head and I am trying my hardest to write it into words. All these people, these relationships you formed with people I thought I loved, took a toll on my heart, broke my heart a little more each time, over years and years. As you get older, years go by, your attending your friends' weddings, baby showers and so forth. All the while, hoping for your day, your turn. </div>
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You are my turn. December 20th this year is my day, our day! I gave up looking for you because I didn't know you existed but even more so, I didn't believe I deserved you. There are a lot of things I don't like about my past, or maybe would have done differently, but not if that meant you and I wouldn't have met when we did and how we did. I am so in love with you, our story, our love for one another. I am learning a lot about myself, as well as rebuilding my self-esteem, self-worth and most importantly my self-love. I just want to spend every possible minute with you for the rest of my life. </div>
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You have given me more love, patience, acceptance, and understanding than I ever ever have had or could imagine receiving. Yes it has been just months thus far, but when you know, you know. When it feels so right in your heart, you can't stop it. No one can stop it, this crazy love, this huge amount of love, it's unbreakable, unstoppable. :) </div>
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I LOVE YOU BEBS!!!!!</div>
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I can't imagine my life without you, what I would be missing if I hadn't joined match four months ago today. </div>
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<div class="blogger-post-footer">Thanks for reading, Lianne</div>Liannehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01769612482710367114noreply@blogger.com0