"...he's not for you..."

"Because you're hoping you're wrong. And every time he does something that tells you he's no good, you ignore it. And every time he comes through and suprises you, he wins you over, and you lose that argument with yourself, that he's not for you."

So this entry is dedicated to a friend who told me to "blog it!"...and I'm doing just that....its about a boy and sex and well not even great sex, but this boy who you just cant get out of your head day in and day out, all the while he is not committed to you, he's seeing other girls and you're aware or unaware of just how many, yet he writes you letters, spends just enough time with you that you cant get him out of your head day in and day out, he's there. he's your best friend, best friend with benefits. We've all been there at one point or another in our lives or have heard this same ol' story from a friend, as a matter of fact, we've probably taken care of our broken hearted friend reassuring her that he's not seeing other people, how could he see other people, he seems so in to you! the first offense goes by, he apologizes, the second one passes, you let it go... why do we do this to ourselves? settling. desperate need for love, but why, the sex isnt even that great half the time... and why does it seem that it mostly happens on his terms?! red flag! you're being used, and two can play this game, but why bother if the sex isn't even good in the first place.

there's this boy. he was my bestfriend. I did everything and anything for him. How many years did I have to wait for him to even show an ounce of appreciation that I deserved? I was a sister, a mother, a girlfriend, a lover, a friend, a shoulder to lean on, money to deposit when he was behind bars, you name it, I was it. But was I? Did he think of me as all of these things? If so, why didn't we ever date? This was the longest relationship I was never in to begin with! It was not an exclusive dating relationship at all, nor did I think that it was; however, I was always holding on to the thought that maybe some day it could be. All this time and love and support invested. I've never invested more time over so many years in one human being not related to me! and what for? its all gone now. ya the memories of the happier times, the times we both were there for each other, the times we laughed and cried and laughed some more... but they are just memories now. He's someone elses husband and a father to a bouncing baby boy.

The point I guess I'm trying to make, is when do you just have to realize that you are worth it, you are worth being someones number one.... why do you think about this boy so much who quite frankly isn't thinking twice about you, maybe because he knows you'll be there no matter what. Well one day you won't be there. That day is for you to figure out...how much longer do you want to torture yourself with endless thoughts of him and him and you, when you know for sure he's out giving the same time and attention to other ladies, other women who are not you! So go on and get out there, quit wasting your time on him, two can play this game, so why not play it with someone who you might just have better sex with too! ha! girls are just as needy as men and if we don't take care of our own needs, they sure are not going to (without lots of verbal prompt and sometimes physical prompt)

I am not saying this is easy, we all know it's easier said than done. These are my thoughts, my thoughts coming to you from a much healthier and stable state of mind, thoughts that I couldn't have put down into words or even thought of months ago...its a process, and sooner or later we get sick of not getting the result we want, so we do something about it. I leave you with this...

"Shush. You broke my heart. And you acted like somehow it was my fault, my misunderstanding, and I was too in love with you to ever be mad at you, so I just punished myself! For years! But you waltzing in here on my lovely Christmas holiday, and telling me that you don't want to lose me whilst you're about to get MARRIED, somehow newly entitles me to say, it's over. This - This twisted, toxic THING between us, is finally finished! I'm miraculously done being in love with you! Ha! I've got a life to start living." -from the movie, The Holiday

"you are worth it!!"

"...But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe... it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is... just... moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope."

Love is all you need. you just have to open your eyes and once you see it, grab onto it, hold it tight and dont ever let it go. its all around us, love. its what makes this crazy world worth living in, it comes in all different shapes, sizes, colors, sex, race, religion......embrace it. support it. treasure it.but more importantly say it when you mean it!

tell the ones you love just how much you love them. I think that is what I miss most about those I've lost. As much as we need to tell others that we love them and they mean the world to us on a day to day basis, we desire those same words spoken back to us, that we are loved, that we are desired, that we are appreciated.

ya, my counselor might say that I need approval from others to be happy, but I don't think this is the same thing. We all need, as loving nurturing humans, to love and be loved, to tell people we love them, and to hear that people love and appreciate us. Too much, and for too long I have been taken advantage of in numerous relationships, all that differ yet hold some things the same within them...misled, hurt, believed that we had the most perfect relationship, it was just me and them. well, that's not how it was. thats not really how it ever is? but if we keep on thinking that nothing great will ever happen to us, then thats all we make room for.

leaving him was probably one of the hardest things I had to do. but key words being had to do. No one can read the future, see what will happen next, or answer the what ifs...settling. thats what I always did. thinking I could never do better, this is all I deserved or was going to get, so go with it because who wants to be left alone. Things day to day don't change much, and we get caught up in the hussle and shuffle of our crazy busy lifes, taking care of the house, the groceries, the teenager who wasn't mine, but who was taking care of me?? If I have realized nothing else since leaving him and making a huge decision for MYSELF, I realized that no one can take care of you the way you can take care of yourself, and no one will take care of you, they way you need to be taken care of. (with few exceptions...home made soup from mom or dad, backrubs and kissing your forehead when you're sick from mom or dad...) call it what you want, self-discovery, self-esteem, self-confidence...they all share the word self. YOU! You are important, I am important! I always believed all of these things, quotes, worthy great sayings; however, it was not until I made the decision that changed my life. I have never felt more alive, more heatlhy (work in progress...)and more like Lianne, than I did when I was in college. The Lianne everyone knew and loved and wanted to be with...with more wisdom and knowledge and life lessons learned and more importantly with more self worth and self confidence!

I've learned and will continue to learn and grow from you, just how to be in a relationship with someone else and still have a relationship with myself. I am a better person because of it, and for this I will be a better person for you. Happiness comes from within just as much as it comes from sharing things you love, places you go and hobbies you do with the people you love and care for.

"...but for the first time let's just allow ourselves to be whatever it is we are and that will be better..OK?"

"To be happy, it first takes being comfortable being in your own shoes. The rest can work up from there. the hardest situation to stay happy in is when you're trying to find love and yourself at the same time...happiness is being able to wake up and just know that this is what you wanted, and not what somebody else wanted"

"I know it hurts. That's life. If nothing else, It's life. It’s real, and sometimes it f*in’ hurts, but it's sort of all we have."

anniversaries, birthdays, celebrations, deaths....life-it goes on without you. so wake up like you still have something to live for. wake up and honor those you've lost and never had the chance to say goodbye to by doing better, living better, eating better, exercising more, being more healthy so that quite frankly you dont drop dead in your bathroom like the healthiest woman you knew.

dates...the calendar, a constant reminder of what day it is, and what this day means and meant...how do you filter out the good with the bad and the ugly when images are so vivid each night you close your eyes and go to bed. we're so hard on ourselves when they're gone and there's nothing we could have done to stop them from being sick, having cancer, or dimentia...just hope and prayed they died as peacefully as they could have.

anger. sadness. loss. how do we tune out the bad times of those last days and simply go on laughing and smiling and appreciating the time we had with them. it's been years and whoever said time heals must have been the same guy who said high school was the best four years of your life. ha!

it might hurt less, but the pain and longing for them never goes away. what goes away is their smell (unless you can bottle it up somehow, let me know), their voice slowly fades, the phone calls stop, the i love you's (that were never said enough!) are only left in cards and on the back of pictures saved... their smell and voice and the way they used to laugh... only left in our heads to quiet sounds and empty rooms.

this post is dedicated to the ones I love.

kenny.auntie terry.phil.lindsey.sittoo.nonna.uncle jeff.auntie el.

makes me happy

driving on an open road...

swimming like a fish...

seagulls in maine...

flowers make me happy...

my Russell baby :)

Hello World

"when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than a dream..." I think I have actually come to a point in my life, being in my late twenties, and finally realize that I am worth it. I am worth being happy. Happy? everyone wants to be happy, but no one really knows how or why or what is being happier, when you're already laughing and smiling and having a good ol' time. Happy means different things for each of us, when we do find the time to describe it, it has to come from within. I am on the path to finding my self-happiness and damn, it feels great. I know I'm only 27 and I still have a lot to learn... ugh, there goes that negative self-talk I do.. So what, Im 27 and a half years old, and I'm loving my life, but not to its fullest, its a journey, not a destination so the saying goes :) I'm a bit obsessed with quotes as I'm sure you will find.

"isn't it amazing how a person who was once just a stranger, suddenly means the world to you"

She told me that I write well, I should publish my journals...Since I was little, I loved to write and keep a "Dear Diary." Looking back now, with more than 10 or 12 diaries/journals saved, I'm glad I did, if for nothing else to simply laugh at the simple life pleasures in comparison to what is really important when you grow and learn through many life relationships, including friendships with friends you never thought would go away, relationships with meaningless men and women, and relationships that simply had to end due to death, until we meet again so the saying goes.

I've always been a "happy" little girl, responsible for myself, a little mom to my brothers...who later in life, if they havent started already, will appreciate that.

My world has turned upside down, with the places and people I've been to and been with, have all led me to an exploration of others and myself, but had they really let me express myself the way I can now in the comfort, loving (unconditionally) arms of my family and close friends. And I may not have really changed at all...just grown and realized that for a long time I was suffocating and drowning in everyone else's worries and cares and needs, everyone else's but my own.... Enjoy!