Russell. The boy. My snuggle bunny. My Russ Buss. My Bubs.

My Russ Buss Baby Boy has left this beautiful crazy world in which we live. My heart is aching so badly. I loved and still love him so very much, more than I ever thought possible, loving a dog so much, so badly. Ten years of so much love, compassion, cuddles, snuggles and kisses. It's funny how things come full circle. I got him at just two months old in a puppy kennel in Charlton, Ma. Last night, I brought him to a vet (not his usual vet) in Charlton that treated him so gently and kindly. I got Russell on a Wednesday, and he laid to rest on a Wednesday, 6 days shy of exactly ten years. It was a rainy wednesday when I went to go pick up that shy runt of the litter; ten years later, it was the most beautiful sunny day. I like to believe that it's a reflection on my time with him. 

I got him ten years ago because I couldn't stand people anymore. My friend Mary at the time, had a dog and I was like why not, let's go get me a dog. People know that if I want to do something, I'll do it, and that's exactly what I did. He was born for me...to comfort me, save me and love me like crazy at all the right times in my life. It was me and him for a really long time. Bittersweet... that rainy day turned into ten years of pure puppy love. ⅓ of my life, and 1-3 was his birthdate! The most beautiful sunny day yesterday where he spent most all of the day on his spot on the front porch of his "retirement home," laying on his favorite cushion and brown blanket with his squirrel and some other fabric chewies he loved, walking around freely in the front fenced in yard, his yard, laying in the grass, sunbathing one last time which he loved to do. 

Last night, I took Russell for his last few short walks, last car ride, last steak and peanut butter and chex mix dinner...he laid to rest peacefully and pain free. I held him in my arms til the sleepy meds kicked in and they kicked in fast. He snuggled with me one last time as his little tongue stuck out and his drool soaked my pink t-shirt sleeve. I kept rubbing his belly, petting his soft curly white fur, telling him how much I loved him, telling him he was the best boy, and thanked him for loving me so much. 

He had been having body shakes and tremors for awhile now, even just when he went out to pee, he shook like crazy some days. He lost most all of his hair on his back, (I kept his sweater on him last night to keep him as comfortable as possible, as he laid on the brown blanket I brought with us too), he would lick himself in different parts of his body til the skin was so raw. He had dealt with skin scabs and issues for years, so much that I changed his diet to grain free and would only give him chex mix as snacks, which he loved! There was nothing anyone could do, no vet could do either besides keep him on expensive medicines for who knows how much longer. He had to have been so itchy and uncomfortable some days, he even peed his bed a few times. I couldn't have him suffer. It was something I had been thinking about and dealing with in my own way for a couple of weeks now. It was time to let me best dog in the world go run free forever. 

I just have to remember that he had a great life, endless walks, bunny and squirrel chases, attempts to go swimming in the lake at his first home, beach house vacations in Maine, endless car rides breathing in the fresh air with his nose pressed up against the open window, treats, and lots of love around him. 

This morning was like no other, such an empty feeling of not seeing him in his room laying all curled up in his bed with the blanket hanging off cause he circled and circled around pushing the blanket around with his cute little paws, doing the side swipe I loved watching him do to get comfortable. His head didn't pop up this morning to look at me once he heard me get up out of bed. He wasn't there but I looked anyways. I sat out on the front steps, opening the front door except he wasn't there to follow me out. I bawled my eyes out and talked to Nonna up there in heaven with my Russell. I told her to take care of him, love him like I know she loved her puppies, and feed him anything she want out of her pink backpack like she always had at the beach in the Cape with her so she could feed Bella and Sam left over dinners of seafood or whatever else she had. I know she'll love him like crazy for me. 

I have had a lot of loss, I told the vet last night, but nothing quite like this, as I held my hopeless sweet bubs in my arms. The vet said, of course you haven't, he relied on you and depended on you to take care of him and love him. He helped me get him up onto his brown blanket one last time as he injected this pink medicine into his body, checked his heart beat as I kept rubbing him with my head on his head telling him so badly how much I love him. Mama loves you so much Russell. The vet said his heartbeat was gone. I heard the words but it wasn't real, and looked up at him with tearful eyes saying, he's gone? He said a quiet yes and left me in the room to continue to say goodbye to my baby boy. I reached in one of the drawers and cut off some of his curly white soft fur and wrapped it up to keep in my purse. No heart beat but so warm still. I have never witnessed anything like it, never witnessed death til the very very end. 

I know he knows how much I loved him, and he loved me so very much. He had such a great life, and I loved being his mama every single day. This morning as I turned back home from attempting to go to work this morning, but rather taking a much needed personal day, I took his leftover Chex mix treats and drove the walk we did together around the lake, dumping out chex mix all along the way. After I ate some this morning in his honor. I'm not getting his ashes back, but that's ok. I am getting his paw print from the vet in the mail, and can not wait for that! I have decided to make my own memorial to him. I am going to buy a big blue planter and fill it with some fake beautiful flowers, a painted rock with his name in white paint and his paw print. It will go in the right corner of the yard where he loved to go pee and poop. Oh the boy, my Russ buss, how I love and miss you so much. There are no words for the way I feel. I am very grateful I have so much love and support and of course pictures and videos to reflect on. 

He had been in my life for so many different things and obstacles, he was always there when I needed him. He helped me in so many different ways. 

"I know how hard it is to have to say goodbye to someone who saved your life, showed you what unconditional love is, who never got mad at you and was the best friend you could ever have! You're heart will be sad for a long time. But in time the thoughts that make you sad will turn to ones that make you smile."

"It's like he wanted to make sure you were happy in your life before he had to go..." 

"And he'll always be a part of you, watching over you, and loving you for making that decision for him so he would be comforted. He had a great life of walks, playing at the beach, jumping around the yard, and loving you..."

"such a sweet beautiful boy"

"He was a good boy and you were an even better mommy"

I saw a license plate today that said 1MA 136... 136 is his birthday. I was first a mama to him, it was like he was letting me know he was ok. 

Hopefully some day real soon I will be a mama to a two legged love. 

Rest peacefully My Russ Buss. 

Mama loves you so very much. 

1.3.06 - 3.9.16