give. thanks.

Thank you, the reader, for taking the time to check my blog out. Thank you, the reader, who reads it daily, or more than once a week. Thank you, the reader, who's commented on my thoughts, words, and passion. Thank you, the reader, for sharing your thoughts with me as well.

Just a little thanks. Touching other peoples lives in doing something I love, I can't ask for anything more.

ten years. how does it add up?

numbers. all around. I see them in patterns, remember dates, things those dates and numbers represent, sometimes I wish I didn't, sometimes I wonder why my brain functions as so. I'm not good at math, never have been, but numbers, I am a bit obsessed with...with finding the patterns, adding them up to a number that I can relate something to from my past or present....strange. numbers. meaning. superstitions. what have you. regardless, I can't set my alarm to the whole, like 10:00, or 10:10, but rather 10:03, or 10:09...etc. strange. I know. good or bad, what have you. they mean something.

10 years. It has been ten years since high school. so much has happened in ten years, yet it seems nothing changes day to day...

10 years. the year 2000. the millennium. some thought it to be the end of the world. In some strange way, it was sort of like the end of the world. my world I have always known, the familiarity of it all. my friends, my family...work, school, up until 2000, things were the same. they were familiar. 1 high school graduation, May 2000. Hello Summer. June 2000, change, shock, world turned around. my cousin lost her father. 1 father gone, Kenny. June 2000 . summer, I was in Maine, in the bunk bed, first one on the left the bottom bunk, heard my mom come down the stairs, talking to her cousin who had just lost her husband.

6 months later, 1 aunt gone. Auntie Terry. January 2001. 4 year battle of cancer, lost. 3 of my cousins motherless. The most magical new years eve I've ever had with my family, the 5 of us in the middle of the Magic Kingdom, Disney World. It was our Christmas present that year. The most magical, emotional new years eve, fireworks over head, every inch of the sky covered, tears flowing down slowly, thinking of my aunt.

the next 3 summers, 3 weddings, 3 cousins married. May 4, 2003, 1 grandfather figure gone. Phil, Sittoo's Phil, he was the grandfather I never had.

April 18, 2004, 1 more wedding, another cousin married. April 19, 2004, 1 cousin to be gone. Lindsay, a 9 month battle with a rare cancer lost, just 25 years old, with 2 younger brothers. hit me hard at the wake. the same family dynamics as my own. too young. too full of life. May 2004, my college graduation!

happy. sad. happy. sad. good times. bad times. loss. pain. years passed, time gone by, time? time to heal? no.

numerous hook ups, in and out of relationships. friends lost. 2 very best friends, no longer, a group of 5-6 girl friends, minus 1, minus me. So it's summer time again, August 29, 2004, 1 grandmother gone. Sittoo. suddenly taken. dropped dead in her bathroom, autopsy showed cancer. the healthiest grandmother I've ever had.

2000-2004: 5 deaths, 4 weddings, 1 high school graduation, 1 college graduation.

My 1st apartment on my own. paying my way, living my life without the familiarity of it all. my family. my friends. different. forever changed.

6 months after living on my own, June 5, 2005, 1 grandmother gone. Nonna. dementia. terrible disease of the mind. Her birthday in February was the last time I visited, I should have visited more. She didn't know me. disease. terrible diseases of the mind, body and soul. Such a horrible way to go, when you don't even know yourself anymore. My 1st eulogy delivered, I was only 22 years old.

few months later, September 2005, 1 uncle gone. Uncle Jeff. 3 cousins parentless.

many jobs, boyfriends, relationships... five years later, March 2010, 1 great aunt gone. Auntie El. sudden. shock. not again....1/2 of the table of power gone.

6 times. packing and unpacking my things and moving, 1 puppy, 5 homes, 1 engagement, 1 month later, called off. 1 ring removed. numerous therapy sessions, tears, laughs, and some more tears. November 20, 2009. 1 life altering moment. changed forever.

10 years. 10 long years. good, bad, happy, sad, frustrating, longing for familiarity again, getting there, so getting there. what a wild ride it has been.

Today I am grateful for you. for the most consistent 11 months of happiness I have ever had with another being. There will be no reunion. No need to meet with people 10 years later, the familiarity of their faces are no longer familiar. I've had my reunion. over and over again with myself and these memories, more painful than not. I am thankful for my strength, my courage, my love for myself, finally after all these years, to make myself happy.

jar of hearts.

writing prompt: to be inspired by the world...how can you look to the world and use it to inspire you creatively and help you compose writing that will tell your story and engage your readers? whether it be by news articles, recipes to your favorite meals, your book shelf, music on your ipod or in my case tonight, the radio.

Driving home in the rain and darkness this evening, reminded why I have yet to call him back, why I haven't thought twice about calling him, why this time, this time around, he's hurt me too many times to want to call him back. My best guy friend, the person I have probably invested the most time and love into besides my own family. I would have done anything for him, I did do almost anything for him...time and time again, he let me down, he said hurtful things, he didn't call, he didn't visit, he dated other girls, because I wasn't good enough, he liked me, he loved me, but not enough he said.... all these memories, this pain, revisited. Maybe if I hadn't been revisiting my journals from over the years, and ran into all the entries of hurt and pain with him, I would call him back, but maybe if I hadn't read my journals and called him back, would it be only weeks and months again for more hurt, more pain, and when, until how long would I be able to take it, wondering if more hurt would arise.

He doesn't deserve me, he had something great in his life, and he messed up. He messed up this time real bad, huge. Hurtful words of such beautiful things, love. Questioning me and my life choices when he could have continued to support and love me. continue? had he loved me all along and just had a funny way of showing it? no more defending people who don't deserve my defense....either way, there will be questions unanswered, wounds left open, and little pieces of my heart broken.

Jar of hearts by christina perri

I know I can't take one more step towards you
Cause all that's waiting is regret
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are

I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are

And it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?

vulnerable

vulnerable: capable of being physically or emotionally wounded, open to attack or damage...

As I sit here and go through my box of journals, diaries...secret and private writings I have written, collecting my thoughts on paper over the years as far back as the fifth grade... my ten year high school reunion is coming up, so a lot of time has passed since this journal writing, dear diary has started.

its all about boys you say as you read entry after entry. I have never shared such deepest darkest secrets with anyone, not even you mom when we've talked and talked about everything and anything at any given time of the day, having some of the best conversations this little girl could ask for, nothing but support and love, even at one in the morning on the upstairs cold bathroom tile floor.

vulnerable... to be open to such attack emotionally or physically, this case emotionally as you turn the pages of just one of the many journals... not judging, but understanding where I came from and how I could have such irrational thoughts still after all these years.

The box of journals made its way out of the back of the closet for my new project. my book. my story. my life. uncovered, exposed, out there for the taking. I'm ready for this journey. I'm passionate about writing and always have been, hence all the journals over the years, but I've also been a sharer, willing to talk to anyone who will listen. So this is my story... I will share my story, my life, not as a professional, not as a doctor or licensed psychologist giving advice or whatnot, but as a young girl, vulnerable, searching for love, for someone, for that feeling you read about and see on the movies, so I took what I could get putting my self worth aside, my feelings aside, my love for myself aside, these boys, these feelings, these people who took advantage of me, said they loved me, wanted me only when they wanted me, I took what I could get and I saw the positive out of every little thing.... that was me. I'm not happy nor proud looking back, and realize this is more than just writing a book and sharing, although that is what I want to do, share...in hopes I will reach just one person who was like me or knows someone like me and can relate to a story, a chapter or the whole thing....

This is a project, a journey, a look inside me, page by page, tear by tear, laugh by laugh...the ultimate therapy. my book. my story. my experiences. me over the years, breaking down my walls, putting them back up, and breaking them back down.....to find the real happiness, not the happiness in the journals. Boy, if I could have gone back in time and kicked that girl in the ass, smacked her in the face and told her that she was worth more than anyone never told her, more than anyone didn't treat her, she was worth more than she put her self through, more than she put up with from people who never treated her more than she was worth.

I am ready. I am ready to relive the pain, the hatred, the love, the lust, the loss, the what ifs, the could have beens, the never weres... at 27 years old, I made the biggest choice of my life, to not get married, to not deserve less, to not settle for something because I thought more would never come. I put myself first, I was the leading lady of my life, no longer standing on the side lines, or sitting on the bench, in second place, just along for the ride.

vulnerable: to put yourself out there, ready for ridicule, judgment, defeat or victory...as we sit here and read back journal entry after journal entry, the wounds opening up again, the tears rolling down my face, but this time, right now, right here, no judgment. sadly, only embarrassment and shame.

thanks for listening, thanks for reading, thanks for loving me mom, dad, anthony, nicholas, and my extended family and friends.

"IF"

IF
conj. in the event that, on the condition that, granting that. although possibly, even though, whether, used to introduce an exclamatory clause, indicating a wish....

What if? If I, then would I...? negative, positive, wondering, thinking....IF...? IF...? IF....?

"Dance as if nobodys watching" "Live as if you were to die tomorrow" "Love as if you have nothing to lose"

If we don't take risks, if we don't love with all that we have, if we don't give our all...

If we don't stand up for ourselves, who will? If we don't trust others who can we trust?
If I never moved to college just because I didn't know anyone, would I be so strong, so motivated, so independent?
If I kept my feelings to myself, I would have missed out on meeting some pretty great and not so great people.
If I only kept some feelings to myself, I would have missed out on the heart aches.
If I asked for more hugs, more love from you, more friendship, I wouldn't have missed you so much when you left.
Or is it if I had asked you more things about you, seemed more interested in your life, even though I was, you must not have felt that, but how do I know that if you never said goodbye and here's why.
If I didn't take you for granted, if I had only dropped those damn tomatoes off to you, would I have beaten myself up so badly for not remembering the last time I saw you, hugged and kissed you before you passed.
If I said I love you more, than you would all know I loved you so much, my family, my life.
If I reach out my hand to you, turn out my ear to you, will you hold it back, will you talk my ear off because I love you and I want to be here for you, you need to tell me how, if you don't I fail you.
If I didn't rush to wanting a family of my own, maybe I wouldn't have hurt so many.
If I didn't hurt you (unintentionally) I would never have experienced this happiness.
If I had never met you, that Lianne in college may had been lost forever.
If you loved me for who I am, you would have embraced me and my choices.
If I didn't have the love and support from my family and friends, this wouldn't be so easy.


If you love someone tell them. If you care about someone tell them. If you appreciate someone show them.