And then one day you find, ten years have gotten behind you...
"Maybe you can afford to wait. Maybe for you there’s a tomorrow. Maybe for you there’s one thousand tomorrows, or three thousand, or ten, so much time you can bathe in it, roll around it, let it slide like coins through you fingers. So much time you can waste it. But for some of us there’s only today. And the truth is, you never really know.-L.Oliver"
"Have you ever lost someone you love and wanted one more conversation, one more chance to make up for the time when you thought they would be here forever? If so, then you know you can go your whole life collecting days, and none will outweigh the one you wish you had back.-M.Albom"
Last night, I attempted a somersault on the couch, it was short lived and followed by an abrupt bang of my right arm on the glass coffee table. Luckily the coffee table is still intact and as far as I can tell there are no bruises. However, my head hurts, since the attempts didn't end there. I tried and I tried to do a somersault on the floor, but I was afraid! Afraid of the unknown, the fear was larger than my will? or maybe it was just the size of my ass, that I couldn't push myself over....so, after almost peeing my pants from all the laughter, a light went off inside my head, as I passed by the bedroom and said hmm, lets try the bed!! After all it's a soft and springy cushion for my head. 1st attempt on the bed, failed by the side landing, 2nd attempt call me a somersaulter! I did it as I was laughing and yelling not knowing I was falling off the bed. Feet landed and no one got hurt! All in a nights work, after my first visit to the Dragon 88 restaurant, a hole in the wall, where apparently I was the only one who didn't know you would get yelled at by the infamous David running the show behind the bar, haha. The guy next to me said don't worry his bark is bigger than his bite! good times with coworkers, 2 long island iced teas, a mich ultra, some food, some fun and light conversation as well as some fun f'ed up family conversations, and about 4 hours later...home sweet home. Let the somersaults begin.
I surprise myself sometimes, doing somersaults in my living room, on my couch, with gum in my mouth and a few drinks in me, just laughing uncontrollably, without a care in the world. or so it seemed. sometimes you just need to laugh, because if we don't laugh at ourselves or the world around us, we'd all be walking around miserable and crying, or at least I would. If you've followed this blog at all, you know by now I'm forward with my emotions, open like a book so the saying goes...it's harder for me to hide them than to not. It's harder for me to pretend I don't care than not. I often wonder if it would take less effort if I didn't care as much, or not so emotional. It can be tiresome. How do you not care as much? If someone has the answers please let me know. How do you just let your loved ones crumble before you? How do you separate yourself from them, just enough to still enjoy visiting your parents and other family members? How do you care a little less, because you know you can't help someone when they don't want to help themselves? I'm missing my friends a bit more it seems. I'm missing the closeness of someone other than whom I'm dating or related to, a person who knows me just as well, someone I can visit close by, somewhere I can just get up and go to, go visit. I don't want to be a burden. I don't want to be so heavy all the time, it's not fair to you, or you, or you. It's hard to vent to those in your family when they are going through the same, and sometimes worse depending on their relationship with the deceased loved one or the loved one so far gone but maybe not gone enough to want to help themselves.
I wrote the date the other day, putting January 13, 200 and I stopped myself. Was I just going to write 2001? Weird. For that moment in time, I was no longer standing in the classroom, instead imagining myself where I was on that day. The day Auntie Terry lost her four year courageous battle to breast cancer. The year my family (to me anyways) was no longer whole. My Sittoo lost her first born, my mom lost her sister, my cousins lost their mother, my Uncle lost his wife, my little brother lost his godmother. Why do we remember pain in such greater detail than that of happier times? Why can I recite almost verbatim what my mother said to me as we stood in the cemetery 10 years ago tomorrow, why can I still hear the loud cry from my youngest brother the morning of her passing, but not remember her voice.
I don't want your sympathy, I don't want your "I'm sorry's," I don't want to bring you down. As sad as I get sometimes, I have to believe and you have to remember my happiness far exceeds my sadness, because if it didn't the psychiatrist I saw some odd months ago would have suggested medication and more appointments with him rather than a psychologist. Ha!
Ten years later, and I now know what they meant by life is a journey, it's a process....etc. Ten years later, and I still don't know why I cry so hard when I do, laugh so hard it turns into tears...life is like a somersault. a falling or tumbling, one snowball after another, but if we don't have people to push us over when we can no longer push ourselves, or to catch us when we land sideways, oh wait, or to laugh with us when we fall sideways into the coffee table...then what are we left with, just a sore head from trying. "head up young person"
til we all meet again...<3
