Just keep thinking....moving...just keep busy....
I've never really had my guard up, I've never really had a guard, or wall or whatever you want to call it. I am as open as a book as they come, I can't hide my emotions, feelings and even if I try, my cheeks usually turn red, or my face gives it away somehow.
But it happened. this wall happened. and I am being honest and myself still, but there is this wall, and I'm not sure why. I mean I know why but I don't fully understand I guess. I guess I do, ahhh... the thoughts inside my head. Just have fun, keep busy, keep moving, enjoy this Lianne, it's what you have always wanted, someone to pamper you, someone to cook you dinner, buy you wine and silly pink plastic bracelets, someone who looks forward to talking to you, seeing you, spending time with you, and sure it's just the beginning, but just enjoy it, don't think about it, easier said than done.
There's this wall, and I don't think it's moving anytime soon. I don't think in this case it is such a bad thing, but I still feel bad about it somehow. I have been hurt over and over and been used by people who could care less about me, just looking out for themselves, but I have also been with people, inseparable for years, taking care of them, their needs, their child, their best interests, when maybe I shouldn't have. Not only is it exhausting, but it consumes you and your mind.
Love makes you do crazy things, it makes you not see clearly and I am afraid, so afraid to not see clearly. I wasted another year or so of my life being blurry and "in love" with someone who was falling out of love with me, I thought she was it. I thought she was the one. No one wants to end that to start all over again, starting over sucks, it's scary, it's sometimes exhausting. But I was not seeing clearly. I was blurred by my love for her, when I should have just let her go, should have called her out for real a year or so earlier, should have let her go, walked away from a love that was no longer being served to me.
Starting over is scary... "I didn't want to stop because I didn't want to have to start all over..." But we only allow ourselves to be loved the way we think we deserve to be loved. Why don't I think I deserve more than I have ever had, because I sure as hell do deserve it! It's in my nature, my nurture, to care for others, to provide for others, to love others, but what makes them worthy of all my love, for more love than I give to myself. Not anymore. Not now. I am learning to love myself more than I ever have. Who cares if the numbers aren't plummeting down on the scale, and who cares that I am not married with children now, life happens when you're too busy making plans, and thinking about how life should turn out, and how it should be by certain ages, etc. I am not giving up on me, I am not loving myself less, but more, I am pushing myself more, loving myself more, being more me, smiling and laughing more, surrounding myself with those who care and make me feel good, so what if they haven't been there since the beginning of time, so what if they didn't know me back then, they know me now, they care about me now, and I will cherish these times I have with them now, because who knows how long we will be in each other's lives. If anything, I have always believed that people come in your life for a reason, and we are never too sure what that reason is or just how long they will stay in your life, and with all my losses I have had in such short years, I can no longer wonder what the reasons are, instead I need to appreciate and love them while they are here.
