"think it can't get any better. it can"

“I miss you when something really good happens, because you were the one I shared it with. I miss you when something is troubling me, because you were the one who understood me so well. I miss you when I laugh and cry because I know that you were the one that made my laughter grow and my tears disappear. I miss you less and less because its been years and years, but still I miss looking back at all the wonderful times we spent with each other;for those were some of the best times of my life.”

Is there someone in your life, maybe not one, or two, but a couple, a few...that you continue to miss, long for, wish you could have those days back, those friendships back with the people you grew up with, the people that "know" you from multiple times in your life?

To those who have walked out on me for one reason or another, some reasons will never be known, I no longer get mad when I hear a song that reminds me of you guys or flip through a photo album and see all of us smiling, I no longer cry knowing that I will never get a phone call back letting me know for good or bad what happened to us, I no longer wish to be a part of your circle of friends. You closed me out, nor do I wish to return. I know that if we were to miraculously return to the way things used to be, it just wouldn't be. Nothing could ever be the same, for the obvious reason that we are all different people now, knowing and experiencing more than we did before. Forgive and forget...not sure I could forgive, and forget...I'm trying so hard to. I am happy now. I am surrounded by people who love me, and people who support me and my lifestyle and the choices I make on a daily basis. I'm surrounded by communicators, listeners, good spirits, people pleasers, out going and genuine. And I have to believe that this is where I should be. This is exactly where I should be.

But you guys don't get the thank you, the wasted thank yous for getting me here, I survived without you. The people who continue to stand by me, those are the people who get thanked, loved and hugged.

Anger, hurt, sadness...not about you guys anymore, why give the satisfaction of all that when I don't know how you feel or what you think or thought, all I know is your actions truly speak louder than any words you didn't have the guts to say to me. But Anger, hurt, and sadness at times when I look at how happy I am, how much healthier I'm eating, how much more I'm smiling and meaning it, and laughing til I cry...(oh how I missed those days and thankful they are back!)and wonder sometimes why did I have to go through so much in such a short time, in a time of my life when I should be having fun, living it up...that's the only time I feel anger, hurt, and sadness. Disappointment.. I am disappointed in the people I once called friends, friends that were my family, the people who knew me in 7th grade or before and then celebrated my college graduation with me... I am disappointed in the people who I thought would be here forever. I should have spent more time with the loved ones that were taken from me, rather than those who left me.

I passed. I am passing. I made it through all the obstacles thrown at me, some longer and harder than others. Time makes things hurt less, but as far as heal, I'm still unsure. I'm not sure I want to be healed of the hurt and sad feelings, for they have a purpose to serve. They keep me going when the next obstacle comes my way, they are there to remind me I am stronger than I know, I am braver, and I don't give up on something I passionately believe in. So Time Heals, no I don't want it to, those wounds are smaller now and not holding me back, but they serve a purpose. Strength, growth, motivation to keep on smiling. New friends, same old family, and new memories, happier times ahead...this is me, take me or leave me.

"take care of yourself"

"I'm not good at goodbyes" "You don't have to be" "ok....thankyou" "you're welcome..go out there and stop obsessing...take care of yourself" "you too, thanks!"

so it has ended. my sessions and extended sessions through lovely fallon health plan has ended. the relationship with my counselor has ended. the relationship with myself...always is to be continued... my responsibility to carry out and remember what we, what I talked about, my feelings on where I've been and how far I've come, the relationships and friendships I have allowed myself to distance from a bit more than when I started these sessions, with less tears, less anger and believe it or not, less sarcasm when talking about them or thinking about them/things. That's just it....I need to stop. Just stop thinking about them, they have stopped long ago, so why can't I? Will I always have some type of obsessive behavior/personality? Just because it is a part of me, it does not have to consume me anymore.

Go out there and stop obessessing she said! It still sounds easier than it is, but she's right. I don't think of myself as a very dramatic person, but very much indeed a sarcastic person with obsessive and compulsive behaviors, with tendencies to hold onto people who just don't want to be held onto, who have moved on without me. Obsession: Compulsive preoccupation with a fixed idea or an unwanted feeling or emotion, often accompanied by symptoms of anxiety.

I can do this. I can continue on this path of re-discovering myself in a healthier and happier way. I'm eating better, I'm exercising, I'm smiling more and meaning it, I'm deep belly laughing, I'm talking (not yelling...as much) about problems/concerns...I can do this. I need to do this, for me. "When you truely know who you are you will fully understand the kind of person you want in your life."

"You've got enemies? GOOD, that means you actually stood up for something in your life."-eminem

She raised a good point when she said that I have my family. I have their support. That is more than most people have, and that is all you need. I think that will stick with me through this. I know it will. There is truly nothing else that is more important to me than my family.

Family: A group of persons sharing common ancestry. but also... “The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life.” Respect:Willingness to show consideration or appreciation

I don't think I have any tears left in me, any anger to keep fighting with myself because that's really the only one I'm fighting with when I "obsess" over people who just don't appreciate me and respect me for who I am. It's a battle I'm just going to have to surrender to, and that's ok. It is ok. I am still smiling, and more happy than I have ever been. Somewhere deep down, I pulled out the courage and strength inside me to stand up for what I believed in, for what I felt in my heart, for what I needed to do for myself... it still amazes me where that all came from, but regretful? not for a second.

feels like...

"And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears. And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears. Get over your hill and see what you find there, With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair."-mumford&sons

and when you find this love, the love that no longer causes tears of pain, but tears of missing the one you love because you'd rather do nothing at all with them by your side, than something without them...

when you lift my spirit, making me feel appreciated it feels like...



when you make me laugh so hard early in the morning with the silliest words or faces you make, it feels like...



when you ask if there is something you can do to make me feel better when I'm sad or whatever else it is that I'm feeling besides happy or ok... it feels like...



relief. that I am understood. you get me.

and so when you're gone, it's not that I can't be by myself, it's more like why would I want to when I finally found you.

inhale.exhale.repeat.

breathing. sometimes we forget to do it. we may do it too rapidly, too slowly, or just not at all for maybe a few seconds longer than we should have. inhale.exhale.repeat. how hard can it be. its the most natural, consistent thing we do, we just do it. we do it without thinking about it.

breathing room. now that is maybe also not thought about but also could be very well thought about, but maybe before it's too late. I don't ever want it to get to the latter one. lets think about it before it's too late, before we can't go back and give more space to the ones we love. bubble space so we call it in elementary schools these days. teaching kids to be aware of the distance between them and other children so that no one is left getting hurt or uncomfortable. So why is it so hard to continue those teachings with ourselves, with ourselves as adults.

Pursue: To follow urgently, originally with intent to capture or harm; to chase; to follow, to aim for.
Distance: The amount of space between two points. (or in this case, people)

pursuer and distancer were the terms used tonight. everyone plays a certain role in a relationship, whether it's a subconscious or a conscious decision or act on our part. Those roles, whether it be those two or many others, constantly flow between the two people, never staying in the same role for the length of the relationship, in which case, the relationship would probably not work out long term...or maybe not even begin in the first place! ha! In taking it all in (breathing it in) during my session, listening to what was being said and reflecting back in my relationships as well as friendships with those I love and once cared for, I've often played the pursuer; however, could also come up with many examples where I was for sure the distancer. I like to think I am a very independent person, and I am, but emotionally independent? probably not as much as I should be and need to be. Am I aware of it? yes, more so now than ever. So is it helpful to be aware? of course! Now, I can consciously, actively be aware of my boundaries, my ability to allow others to have their own space, minus my false sense of feelings...doubt. anger. neglect. instead reminding myself of the trust. honesty. communication. the ability to let go of those irrational, distorted thoughts I have in order to accomplish a more comfortable position of pursuer (comfortable not only for me, but keeping the atmosphere a safe place for the distancer to return to when ready) when I am in that role... and also be a healthier distancer, making it known when I too need my space minus the short temper, frustration, negativity that instead seem to follow.

inhale. exhale. repeat. and communicate somewhere in between. I now know what it feels like to have someone put me in my place, without the yells and screams or just getting mad and walking away when something is too challenging to address. I even find myself thanking the people who have the strength, the genuine investement into our relationship/friendship, and trust to do just that. put me in my place when needed, knowing that in return I will do the same for them, and not in judgement or anger or frustration, but in respect and in closeness, and in love.

"the real lover is the person who can thrill you by kissing your forehead"-marilyn monroe

"I'm always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught"-winston churchill

"happiness is a journey not a destination..."

connection. reflection. communication.

exit 36 off the maine turnpike. driving in my new car, already the 2nd trip to OOB in the new wheels, windows down eager to get there and relax...(gotta love the 25 mph speed limit..be aware of the bike cops) I can already taste the salt water waves that would soon be splashing in my face, that sweet summer beach smell. I don't know if its because of the book I finished, or the relationship I have with you or that I am re-establishing with myself (i'm guessing its a bit of all three)...but this mini vacation by myself, minus a great visit from Sharon and being surrounded by my mom's high school friends who may as well be my extended family, so I wasn't by myself, but I mean I was by myself, with no significant other, no Russy, and no friends or cousins...was different than any other. I've never quite appreciated the beach house the way I did in this short and sweet visit. Beautiful weather, great napping weather on Friday with that breeze you feel consistently, forgetting just how powerful the sun can still be, and Saturday not a cloud in the sky, clear, crisp and refreshing water with just the right amount of waves. What more could you ask for? great food. great company. great weather. great tan. so appreciative of my surroundings, taking it all in, could it be the age I am, the book I finished reading all about happiness...whatever it was, I've always appreciated the beach house and the fact that we as kids are lucky enough to have a place to go away for the summers... it's in the family. It's all about family.

Had a few drinks, took a few naps, just sat around and it felt great. getting antsy, I just up and left to the path down the beach. by myself before dinner. It was great. The tide was heading out, the walkers were in full gear and the dogs were a barking. The best time of the day to take a nap or a walk in this case on the beach... not too hot, not too cool. Walking along the shore looking at rocks, shells, and the lone fisherman with his two poles just hanging in the water, probably not catching a thing that day, but doing what he loves to do. The old man dressed all in blue with his socks and sneakers and small dog on leash, passed him going both ways down the beach, both times glancing at eachother, looking at his pooch (who was the dog most resembling Russell...made me miss him) just smiled at eachother as we walked by both times, like we had seen one another before, or maybe he saw me looking at his dog, or maybe he could tell I was also a dog owner...for whatever reason, there was a connection. for an instant. an innocent stranger-stranger connection as if the world was harmless and I was fearless of the strangers walking up and down the beach. Connection: A means or channel of communication, an association or relationship.

We make connections on a daily basis, whether it lasts for an instant, the length of our current employment, college course we're taking or for a lifetime. A smile. head nod. hello. hi, how are you. thank you. you're welcome. bless you. good night. I love you. I miss you... connections in our words, our hugs, our kisses, our feelings and thoughts about each other. good bad and sometimes ugly. strong. weak. ever lasting. timing is everything so they say. I had a lot of time to think over the past few days, and whether that's good or bad, I think this time it was pretty good, pretty meditating...thinking about connections in my life, but more importantly focusing on family, you and the friends I have now in my life. sad. happy. mixed feelings. dislike. love. I need to get over the fact that I no longer talk to or see or know for that matter, anyone from my childhood other than my family. I have to be ok with that, and like everything, it's a process, easier with time, less hate, less sad, less mixed feelings. Happy for those who are in my life, focusing on them and you and my family, grateful for where I am and like I said in a previous blog, thankful for the past, for my sarcasm, for my defense mechanisms, because we all have them, and we all need to use them at some point in our lives. Growth. Appreciation. all because of the past. Time. Counseling. Family love and support. Maturity. Move on.

I have grown a lot, whether forced to or self initiated, I have grown and appreciate. But I still have a lot to work on.

anxiety. let it go. just breathe. need to redirect my crazy unrealistic thoughts. trying too hard to please. verbal diarrhea of my feelings when silence is best.

Process: A series of actions, changes, or functions bringing about a result

"In other words, to be happier, I need to boost my good feelings, put a stop to my bad feelings, and pursue my right feelings."-G.Rubin

“It is easy to be heavy: hard to be light.” G. K. Chesterton

may we learn from each other, thank you for talking without anger, loving without judgement...letting me express my anxiety, talk through my discomforts, my flaws..thank you for not being scared to put me in my place...as we learn from eachother, we grow and learn that all things are good in moderation. finding that happy medium. happiness. comfort.

family. unconditional love.

you have to accept how people have changed rather than how you want them to be, she said to me tonight during our session. the session that I thought I really didnt have much to say or talk about, but then again, when don't I have stuff to talk about? no but really, I am happy. I am truly happy, yeah there are things in my life that are not "fixed," resolved, or taken care of, people I love who are struggling so much and there is nothing I can do... heartache. true heartache. watching someone you love just be totally destroyed inside and not willing to help themselves or reach out to those who are still here waiting for them to reach out. sadness. disappointment. fear. family. love. unconditional love.


acceptance. so hard to do sometimes especially when we're talking about change. but afterall, change is the only constant thing on this planet! we all change. we all grow, some closer, some further away. a classic quote I have seemed to like over the years... "isn't it funny how day to day nothing seems to change, but when you look back, my how things have changed" and another fav, "isn't it funny when we look back on sadness, we laugh and when we look back on laughter and good times, we cry" Boy, isn't that the truth. We long for the way things used to be. The hardest part is letting go, accepting the changes, and maybe things would still be this way if those people we lost were still living? I try to think of that sometimes to help me stay grounded. I sure do miss those days. I still look forward to family gatherings, but its almost as if sometimes I need an extra psych me up before entering into the room...why? because I can't help but think of those people who's faces won't be staring back at me when I enter the room to say Merry Christmas, Happy Birthday or just a simple hello, how are you.

I've come a long way. or atleast I'd like to think so. there goes that negative self-talk again. I have come a long way. a long way since that little girl crying in my bedroom during high school, hating going to school, telling my mom to stop asking me how my day was, instead asking her why I was going in the first place, a long way from that little girl who just couldn't bare to look at pictures of old friends, old times, without anger and such sadness that she would give anything to just have those days back, a long way from that little girl who was homesick for months and months in college, finding her way through without her family physically by her side, a long way from that little girl who was scared to approach people, not realizing that sometimes other people are all talk and when approached just melt, a long way from that little girl who didn't think that her needs were important enough, a long way from that little girl who was just trying to please everybody else, trying to be loved by everyone else. I sure have come a long way...and the road doesn't stop here.


I've only just begun to truly believe the words that I speak, the words that I hear from others. I've grown to stand on my own two feet, but know that it's ok to ask for help. Thank you for the failures, and thank you for those who pushed me back up, but thank you to me, who reached out, who kept going when sometimes it was just so much easier to take care of everybody else...

thought for the day

"your flaws are beautiful. they’re what make you stand out. don’t try to be normal, perfect, striving to be something or someone that you will never accomplish. be annoying, be quirky, be different. in truth, it takes a hell of a lot more strength to resist, than to go along with the flow. stray from the path. what anyone else thinks doesn’t matter. let them be boring, let them be the same, as unnoticeable as the people around them. wear flowers in your hair, mismatching socks, and thousands of multi-colored bracelets. press all those damn buttons in the elevator, and piss off everyone around you. have fun now, because there’s always plenty of time to be boring in the future."
~ andrea chiang

"start every day with a smile and get it over with"
~ w.c. fields

forever: an illusion

Forever: without ever ending; eternally: to last forever, continually; incessantly; always. Forever and always. words that can only be expressed but never really defined as such, there is no such thing as forever. Best friends forever, they eventually disappoint you and turn their backs on you for reasons unbenounced to you, friends you thought you would have "forever" well they too fall in the same category as the previously mentioned; forever and always, such common words expressed with no true concrete meaning, an illusion.

I often run into the quote, "people are less mysterious than they seem," but recently gave this quote a second look. Yes, there are some people you know so well you could write their life story better than they could; there are people you date and live with and get to know really well; there is family who you should know really well; there are your friends, the people you surround yourself with and might as well be family (with possible connection minus DNA) who you must know, you know so much about these people, you think the world of them, you vacation together, you talk about everything and anything....friends forever. But how well do we really know eachother? Friends, lovers, and family included. Family plays no less into this equation than the others...all of these people you've let into your life by choice or at birth...how well do we know eachother? Well enough to think or believe they would never be capable of such cruel intentions or disappointment. They let us down. We let ourselves down. Maybe we didn't ask enough questions to really get to know them...maybe we opened up too much letting them in without them letting us in. I guess what I'm trying to say is that we only know a person as much as we think we know them. Even family members during times of our lives feel like strangers in the distance, knowing and loving them just the same, but how well do we actually know them, just how close are all of us?

People are disappointing, just like any other disappointment in life, but this kind hurts the most, coming from people you invested in, loved, cared for, and thought you knew. This entry comes at a time when I wish I could be there for someone who is going through shit. I wish I knew what to say, but sometimes saying things is not nearly as important as listening and supporting them. People are cruel, why would they just walk out on you or literally stab you in the back when all you've been, especially lately is all that you have always been. so embrace me, love me, support me. Unfortunately not always the case.

"I never regret anything. Because every little detail of your life is what made you into who you are in the end."

So all we can do is the best that we can do, love those who love us back, trust and be trusted, tell the truth (its much easier in the end than not) and be true to ourselves, and if that bites us in the you know what at the end of the day, we can only learn and grow stronger from this. Take it all in, deal with it and move on. "Why would someone ruin my life? why would someone stop being my friend...?" People will do silly things with or without reasons known, when they're jealous(of our happiness?), hurt(by the decisions we made for ourself, not them), unstable, confused, what have you... Maybe next time we won't be so trusting or open, or maybe so we should focus on the ones that may just stick around for forever.

"As we grow older, it becomes difficult to just believe. It's not that we don't want to, but too much has happened and we can't."

"Things will happen in your life that you can't stop. But that's no reason to shut out the world, there's a purpose for the good and for the bad"

"Where i go i just don't know
I've got to got to gotta take it slow
When i find my peace of mind
I'm gonna give you some of my good time

Today love smiled on me
It took away my pain said"please
Oh let your ride be free
You gotta let it be oh yeah"

"live our lives out loud"

"And maybe someday
We'll figure all this out
Try to put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to make things better now and
Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow
Someday

Cause sometimes we don't really notice
Just how good it can get
So maybe we should start all over
Start all over again"-'Someday' (rob thomas)

Starting over. Starting all over again. Something I have done a handful of times in such a short period of time...5 years or so, but this time, this time has been the most rewarding, most fresh start of them all!! I had really started over this time, selling "stuff" that lost its meaning over time, moving into a smaller place. appreciation, shared chores, shared responsibility: partnership!

Starting over can sometimes get discouraging, a lot of the times. Its a hassle, it's starting from the beginning all over again, no one wants to return to square one, live on their own, start new jobs, meet new love interests, and hardest of them all, start saving their own money again! ugh, money, expenses...forget all the time invested into past relationships, how about the money! When will I ever build a savings again? How am I going to start all over again especially in the bank? Relief. I'm not there yet by any means, but I've come a long way since the end of 2009. It's my life, my money, and my happiness. You think I would have learned, but I guess I just needed something big and over the top to finally have it hit me! Well, it hit me that's for sure! I'm 27 1/2 years old and yes, I started all over again!

I couldn't have done it without the unconditional support and love from my family, although they went through their awkward stage of just trying to wrap their brains around my ever so 'crazy' decision, but they understand now, and even if they don't to the fullest, it's not their decision to understand completely, more importantly to continue to love and support me, which they have, in every way they can, and I am forever grateful to them. And I couldn't have done it without you. Your friendship, support and strength for sticking by me through some really tough nights, phone conversations and emotional distress was not overlooked. Confusion, stress, loss of more friends I thought I'd have for forever, just an overall lack of feeling loved and understood for a little while until it played out in my head, ran its course and I finally came to somewhat of an understanding that this is what I needed to do. I needed to start all over again. Scary. So scary, putting yourself out there, expressing all that you are, with no explanations or reasons (later realizing after numerous counseling sessions and endless chats with you and my mom, that I did not have to provide any reason or explanations or self defense statements, nor did I have any that they would have liked anyways; this was me, take it and love it, or leave it.)

So as Rob Thomas has ever so sung in his song, 'Someday'... Someday we will figure it all out, and it's never too late to do what makes you happy. Sure there is still doubt, fear of the unknown, but being as comfortable as I am in my own skin, with my own decisions I made for me and no one else, well the fear and doubt take a backseat to my happiness, living in the moment, focusing on the more positive outcomes of it all. Rebuilding, and rediscovering who I am and what makes Lianne happy. Things are better now, moving forward, realizing just how good life can get, living our lives outloud...

This feels like home to me...

"it's less important to have many pleasant experiences than it is to have fewer unpleasant experiences, because people have a "negativity bias"; our reactions to bad events are faster, stronger, and stickier than our reactions to good events. In fact, in practically every language, there are more concepts to describe negative emotions than positive emotions"-'The Happiness Project

Reading a book. I'm actually reading a book... I must be in a good mood... its called 'The Happiness Project' by Gretchen Rubin. What better timing to read this than now. If you know anything about me, you know I'm not a reader (unlike my mom who would have this book and probably another, read in a day or two) so the fact that I have even an ounce of motivation to lift up a book that is more than 300 pages, it must be about child abuse and remarkable children stories of growth after disaster, my sisters keeper, and/or self help books I guess. Reading, its not so bad... I love a book that makes me cry or that I can relate to, and this is definately one that I can relate to! We're not all the same, and our happiness is not all the same, but we all strive for similar things, successful, healthy, happy... however we define that, we want to be happy!!

For a long time, I hadn't had a place that felt like home. I did and I didn't. The house I grew up in, I was very fortunate to move back in with the attempt to start my own life with him and his daughter and perhaps make a family of our own. It was a wierd feeling for a long time, living in the house I grew up in, but not having my mom, dad or brothers there too. It was a feeling I just couldn't describe...as time went on, it become more and more mine, but knowing that we'd never have the money to buy it, did it really feel like my own? I could decorate any way I wanted, replaced lights and hardware to update with the times...but at the end of the day, it just wasn't the same. With a house, renting or owning, comes a whole lot more responsibility, bills, and cleaning to do! I am the type of person whether it be how I was raised or what have you, but I like things to get done, and had a hard time waiting for things to be done that I asked, so why not do it myself...stress! lots of stress, numbers going through my head with bills, making sure his daughter had enough clothes, shoes, food....it was never ending! I was too young for this, it was too early in the relationship for me to feel the way I had been feeling...Partnership: the state or condition of being a partner; participation; association; joint interest. Yah, the honeymoon period was long over with, but why all the responsibilities on me, even if I am the "do it" person...leaving when I did was the best thing I could have done for myself.

A friend asked me the other day when we were talking about "the one" and weddings and what have you... if I believed in just knowing when you know, getting that feeling that indescribable feeling you get when you just know that this is the person you are supposed to spend the rest of your life with...I reflected in which I have had a lot of time to do since October 2009, I thought I was ready, I wanted him to be the one because the desire for a family and to just get on with my life was in the forefront. He proposed because I wanted him to, who wants to be proposed like that afterall anyways? Hows that oldies but goodies song go... "you can't hurry love, you'll just have to wait..." And I was sick of waiting, so I rushed it.

This feels like home to me. I finally feel like I'm home, a feeling I haven't had since the cottage when it was just me and Russell (my pup) and when I was living at home before I even knew what living on my own was like! After all the yardsales, the craigslist ads and donating of more than half of all that I owned.... I haven't felt so alive and relieved and refreshed. I thought I would be a whole lot more emotional when selling all my stuff, probably about 3/4 of my stuff, stuff collected from old relationships, and just being a girl living on my own collecting stuff! It's amazing how quickly "stuff" piles up!! Ah, refreshed!! Less is more! I have everything I need and then some.

"Is it always this clean when I'm not home?" ha! As much as I hate being away from you, it has given me great appreciation for all that I have and all that I have been through. As the quote above says, I have experienced first hand, that we do give more attention, stronger emotions and sticky feelings that we just have a really hard time getting over...getting over the bad, remembering the bad. This time away from you has given me time to appreciate the bad experiences but move on from them and truly appreciate my strengths, where I've been, but where I am at now, with more freedom than ever to express who I am, my feelings for those I love, and that it's ok to be happy! It's ok to put my happiness first! "I just couldn't pass you up..for whatever reason" We don't always need to know the reasons, just know in our heart if this is how we feel, we must act upon those feelings, living without regret or what if's and wonder. The days are long, but the years are far too short.

Worries and fears of the unknown, we all have them, but we need not have them hold us back in what could be the biggest decisions of our lives. I am a better person for this, and I know that I will be a mom and have a family of my own with the one I love when the time is right...

"To be happy, it first takes being comfortable being in your own shoes. The rest can work up from there. the hardest situation to stay happy in is when you're trying to find love and yourself at the same time...happiness is being able to wake up and just know that this is what you wanted, and not what somebody else wanted"

“Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.”

These past few days have given my mind a lot of room to wander, feel, and long for the next time I get to feel you, see you and be with you. The act of being with someone, whether it is sitting watching tv in a quiet speechless room, eating dinner across the table from one another, or out being playful hiking or walking around town, has never given me such complete and genuine satisfaction. Satisfaction. A fulfillment of a need or desire; the pleasure obtained by such fulfillment; the source of such gratification. I've had a lot of satisfaction in my life, more instant than not, when it came to relationships. Instant:A very short period of time; a moment. A moment here and gone in an instant, some lasting a tiny bit longer than others, but nothing ever this long.

The meaning of these words satisfaction, gratitude and fulfillment have changed, truly living up to their actual meaning... It's amazing what breathing room in a relationship will give you, a peace of mind,stability and unconditional love and support. Fulfillment and gratitude. I have never recieved a thank you like that before, leaving me speechless (rather difficult to do!) and bringing me to tears of complete fulfillment. Atlas, my partner in crime, my other half, my love has truly appreciated the sacrifices I make in the relationship. Did I mention I've never been thanked like that before? Sacrifices, we all have to make them and have them be made for us to appreciate each other, show our support for one another, and honor one another's dreams, desires, and needs. If we sacrifice honorably, the reward and benefits to the relationship will far outweigh the losses. No matter the dynamics of our relationships, most all of us go into a relationship looking for support, understanding, trust, honesty and love from the other... I was always looking for appreciation...just simple yet meaningful thank yous every so often to remind me that I am being/was being appreciated!

"Appreciation is a wonderful thing. It makes what is excellent in others belong to us as well."-Voltaire

"Courtesies of a small and trivial character are the ones which strike deepest in the gratefully and appreciating heart."-H.Clay