One day at at a time. That's all that we can do. So much easier said than done. One day at a time was the topic last night at the tuesday aa beginners meeting, ironically filled with people who have been earning their seat as early as 1992 and then some. Why are they here still? How come they have to come to meetings still? Wow, after all these years they still need reminders and to talk about their journey. If you were to ask me all these questions almost two months ago when I walked into my very first meeting, I wouldn't have been so sure how to answer, but now, now I get it.
One day at a time. Everyone's different with different pasts and experiences, but we all have one thing in common at those meetings. We are not normal social drinkers. They keep coming to the meetings because of the friendships they have formed, the feeling of helping others in the meetings as well as themselves, and why not come to the meetings, it's free therapy! As mentioned in previous discussions, "people in AA are some of the most normal people I have ever met," said John. It's true. People in AA are there because they can't manage a huge part of their life, but it's not always about the alcohol. That's the drug of choice: alcohol, but it's all the other things in their life that became/become unmanageable due to the misuse or abuse of alcohol beyond one's control.
Living in the moment. One day at a time! A lot of great things were said last night. "If you have one foot in the past and one foot in the future, you piss all over today." "Live in the now...NOW...no other way!" A wise older woman who delivered a great thought at last nights meeting..."let's be more childlike. Children know how to live in the moment, in the present...have you ever interrupted a child during play in their sandbox? Yes sure it's lunch time but they must finish what they were building or playing with...that's living in the moment in the now!"
It seemed much easier back then before we were corrupted by the world we live in. Alcohol is everywhere and it's a legal drug! Thousands and thousands of people misuse or abuse it everyday!! So why is there such shame or embarrassment by being an alcoholic?! Why do we even have to worry about going out to a restaurant with coworkers after work or a holiday party with friends or family? Why do we have to worry what others will think or say if we don't pick up a drink with the rest of them? It's like worrying about people not liking your outfit or the way you wear your hair. Most others don't really care about those things, we tend to care mostly about our own self, so why the shame?
My first meeting I attended, like I have mentioned in previous blogs, I did not introduce myself as an alcoholic. But I am. I am an abnormal drinker. I didn't drink every day, but when I did…I couldn't stop myself. I didn't know when to stop. I kept going and why not. I had no responsibilities, I had no one who loved me waiting at home. I had a job, I had friends, I was just having a good time, not hurting anyone….but I was. I was hurting, but in a different way. Just like you grieve in different stages, I guess I was hurting in different stages. The anger and sadness was gone, so bring on the irresponsible fun and recklessness.
To be here typing this to you, I am so fortunate. If anything these past sober months, I have revisited over and over my past drinking nights, days and afternoons and there is not one proud moment, nor fun for that matter. Yes, I had fun, but in the beginning. Almost every single drinking day and/or night that started out fun ended in future embarrassments, heartaches, or terrible decisions! I am fortunate that peeing myself the second time was enough. The first time, I was by myself. The second and last time, I was with my friend sharing a sleep space, but thank god she didn't notice, or maybe she did and just didn't say anything. I drank in the mornings, I drank by myself, I drank out of control at family functions and random nights. But maybe that was it, peeing myself and sleeping through it! Wake up!! Who lives like that? Who was taking care of me? No one but myself and I was doing a terrible job at it.
There is no shame in not drinking among friends at a holiday party, or at the beach house among family. There is shame and embarrassment in peeing yourself while sharing a bed with a friend on vacation. There is shame in stumbling home being held up by friends. There is shame in letting people take advantage of your body and emotions. There is no shame in choosing to not doing something any longer that allows you to think clearer and function day to day making better life choices, even if it means a few extra tears along the days, some days.
People have told me "I was scared when you drank, I saw it, you couldn't stop" and yes, I could be upset as to why they didn't intervene earlier, but I'm too embarrassed to feel anything but shame and humility. Many people at the meetings have said they remembered their last drink, and how they don't want to forget their past because they don't ever want to end up back there. I don't ever want to be so helpless, so vulnerable and so humiliated again.
One day at a time. One day at a time without alcohol and just with life in general. We don't know what tomorrow brings, but we need, I need to stop living in the past and all the ridiculousness it has attached to it. What's done is done. I have made it to where I am because this is where I am supposed to be. I truly believe everything happens for a reason. My angels in the sky were looking over me, and I scared them too many times, along with those still here in my life. You never realize just how far you've come until life changing things have happened to you, and I have come pretty damn far! I have come too far to do anything stupid to mess up what's ahead for me in this crazy beautiful world.
"if you collect your pennies, you'll become a millionaire, if you collect your days, you'll have years and years of sobriety."
"alcohol doesn't control me, it doesn't tell me who to hang out with, where to go, and what to do anymore"
"my normal is pretty great now, I enjoy warm showers... spending time with my family… I couldn't enjoy those things before because they didn't happen"
My first meeting I attended, like I have mentioned in previous blogs, I did not introduce myself as an alcoholic. But I am. I am an abnormal drinker. I didn't drink every day, but when I did…I couldn't stop myself. I didn't know when to stop. I kept going and why not. I had no responsibilities, I had no one who loved me waiting at home. I had a job, I had friends, I was just having a good time, not hurting anyone….but I was. I was hurting, but in a different way. Just like you grieve in different stages, I guess I was hurting in different stages. The anger and sadness was gone, so bring on the irresponsible fun and recklessness.
To be here typing this to you, I am so fortunate. If anything these past sober months, I have revisited over and over my past drinking nights, days and afternoons and there is not one proud moment, nor fun for that matter. Yes, I had fun, but in the beginning. Almost every single drinking day and/or night that started out fun ended in future embarrassments, heartaches, or terrible decisions! I am fortunate that peeing myself the second time was enough. The first time, I was by myself. The second and last time, I was with my friend sharing a sleep space, but thank god she didn't notice, or maybe she did and just didn't say anything. I drank in the mornings, I drank by myself, I drank out of control at family functions and random nights. But maybe that was it, peeing myself and sleeping through it! Wake up!! Who lives like that? Who was taking care of me? No one but myself and I was doing a terrible job at it.
There is no shame in not drinking among friends at a holiday party, or at the beach house among family. There is shame and embarrassment in peeing yourself while sharing a bed with a friend on vacation. There is shame in stumbling home being held up by friends. There is shame in letting people take advantage of your body and emotions. There is no shame in choosing to not doing something any longer that allows you to think clearer and function day to day making better life choices, even if it means a few extra tears along the days, some days.
People have told me "I was scared when you drank, I saw it, you couldn't stop" and yes, I could be upset as to why they didn't intervene earlier, but I'm too embarrassed to feel anything but shame and humility. Many people at the meetings have said they remembered their last drink, and how they don't want to forget their past because they don't ever want to end up back there. I don't ever want to be so helpless, so vulnerable and so humiliated again.
One day at a time. One day at a time without alcohol and just with life in general. We don't know what tomorrow brings, but we need, I need to stop living in the past and all the ridiculousness it has attached to it. What's done is done. I have made it to where I am because this is where I am supposed to be. I truly believe everything happens for a reason. My angels in the sky were looking over me, and I scared them too many times, along with those still here in my life. You never realize just how far you've come until life changing things have happened to you, and I have come pretty damn far! I have come too far to do anything stupid to mess up what's ahead for me in this crazy beautiful world.
"if you collect your pennies, you'll become a millionaire, if you collect your days, you'll have years and years of sobriety."
"alcohol doesn't control me, it doesn't tell me who to hang out with, where to go, and what to do anymore"
"my normal is pretty great now, I enjoy warm showers... spending time with my family… I couldn't enjoy those things before because they didn't happen"
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