pretty pink coin

If everyone went to open discussions AA meetings, the world may just be a happier place. If there were meetings titled miserable people meetings, would people show up? Is that enough of a reason to go to a therapy like setting, and a free one at that? maybe, maybe not. There was so much laughter in the room last night, it was so good to hear. That's the thing….these AA meetings are anything but depressing.

Last night's topic was from a horoscope about attitude. If you have the right attitude, and surround yourself with the right kind of people for you, and stuff like that. I forget word for word but you get the idea. The person who volunteers to chair and run the meeting chooses a topic, tells their story and then opens it up for discussion. I was hesitant to raise my hand in the beginning, so I didn't. As the night went on and I heard more stories about this topic, my hand crept up slowly. I didn't speak tonight. I chickened out at the end when we were running out of time. I will talk, I will talk sometime soon. However, tonight, I did go up in the beginning to receive my 5 month coin! On the way back to my chair, I got a high five from Sam, who I'm pretty sure whistled again. Oh, and Paula said I had a nice smile in the beginning of the meeting. At break time, Alex shook my hand as well as a few others passing by said their big congratulations!

It's a pretty light pink coin with the number 5 in the middle among some encouraging words and on the flip side of the coin, it is the serenity prayer. A prayer we often end the meetings with in a circle holding hands. I played with the coin all night, tossing the idea around of speaking at last nights meeting. Til next time though.

Attitude. People spoke of many things I could relate to as usual. People spoke about troubled work experiences or people at work that irritated them; people spoke of life at a certain age, what's left for them and people spoke about having bad days, which really didn't seem so bad, like forgetting that their car was at Monroe for an oil change instead of elsewhere which led them to call the cops thinking their car was stolen. It's all about attitude. The people you hang around can make or break it, as well as your own personal attitude on things, anything!

It's so hard to stay in the present. I have never been one to easily do that. I hold grudges, I don't forget easily, and I have had a lot of loss in my life, so what's there to be so positive about all the time?! For the mother and father who I still have in my life and are still married, for my siblings, my family members who are living and well and healthy for the most part, for my amazing fiancé who has taught me a lot about myself and being in a healthy loving relationship, and for my health for the most part is good too. There are lots of things to be thankful for, I get that, and I have always been thankful for things and people in my life. The world makes it so easy to focus on the bad and the negative, but all that negativity can become so draining and ugly.

I have cried (and laughed) more in the past seven months, genuinely laughed and cried. I think it's because for so long, I didn't have time to cry or laugh or really be there for myself. I had always been in relationships which required me to take care of other people, financially, emotionally, or just enough of everything else that I never put Lianne first. So when I did, when I finally had enough grieving of past failed relationships and engagements, I kept going to the gym and partied, a lot. I went to work because that's what you do, then the gym because I was determined even though the scale didn't say much, and partied a lot. Almost every weekend, at least every two weeks, there would be a reason to celebrate or just a ladies night at a local bar I would go to. There were nights I didn't remember driving friends home. How lucky I was to have never injured myself let alone another human being. "Let's go have a drink after work," "What are you doing this weekend, let's go out for a drink!" or "Sure why not." I never stopped at one, or two, or three for that matter most times. It wasn't like years before when I would pour myself a drink to unwind after the work day, only to fall asleep on the couch with it half consumed. So yeah, I only drank heavily for maybe the past year and a half or almost two, but that's not the point. The point of all this is that looking back, I don't remember a time when I didn't drink much. I hardly never drank in high school, I was way too scared of that, and it took me some time to start drinking in college too, but I got the hang of it. Who doesn't bring some malibu rum mixed with fruit punch in a clear water bottle to their 11:15am class on a Tuesday morning of their 21st birthday? yum! There were some times I may have embarrassed myself a little more than usual but who doesn't go through all of that when they are drinking and having fun? I could go on and on, but the point that I am trying to make is at the end of my drinking days, it wasn't fun anymore. It was like a chore that required many naps before I started. It would start out fun, and then someone would just end up crying or being too emotional, or be too drunk to function and pass out. When did I not care about driving buzzed or drunk? Where was that little girl in high school or even college that was so scared of the law and getting in trouble….what happened to her when she was drinking? Alcohol was my choice drug that's all. I was self medicating myself because I had more than enough time on my hands to dwell on the past like I do and wonder if I'd be alone for the rest of my life too. I had all the time in the world, and only had to get up to go to work, then the rest of the day and night were mine.

These past five months, I have been struggling with the feelings of not being fun. I'm no fun anymore since I'm not drinking, or what's there to do with people and other couples other than drink? There are lots of people who don't drink, I remember one guy saying in a meeting a few weeks ago. There are? because I only know a select few, including my dad and my fiancé. Where are those people? I need to find those people. It's funny that I cancelled my therapist appointment Monday night, but I didn't think twice about how it's a busy week and maybe I should skip my Tuesday night meeting. Everyone should go to AA meetings, because these people are the most normal people I've ever met with everyday struggles and truth, but also personal victory stories, no matter how small or big they may be. It's all about attitude and finding those who help make your attitude better. So yesterday I started taking those steps in making my attitude better, even if that means more changes in the future. I can't be worried about where I'm going to live, or how I'm going to do this and that. I paid off my 34,000 dollar car loan finally and I sure as hell didn't think I'd be able to do that! I met someone I am truly happy with and am going to spend my life with. Love and life is about sacrifice, commitment, dedication, and strength. Be grateful for those who remain in your life no matter how crazy you may be, no matter how foolish or reckless you may have been, or how bitchy you come across because you are so frustrated with figuring things out, you forgot to live in this wonderful moment. I have a lot of things that others don't have, and if I sit here any longer naming the things that other's have that I don't, I'm going to continue to sabotage my relationships with people and more importantly myself.