worry. waste of time.

What a month it has been and it's only half way through. To say we have been busy is an understatement these days, if it's not one thing it's another…weddings, trips to Maine to visit family and friends, birthday dinners and parties, vacation at the beach house and starting a new job.

It's been quite the emotionally, stressful and bittersweet past few weeks, or months maybe I should say that led me to this point in deciding a new job at this point in my life is best. I knew I was getting burnt out, I knew I needed a change, not sure why it was happening or what exactly else I would be good at doing, but I knew I wasn't being good at this anymore for whatever reasons and that's not fair to the people I work with, and especially the children I work directly with on a day to day basis. I was having fun, having a blast on the weekends with my sober life…figuring out things to do together sober, and also just not having enough time to worry about what to do because we are surrounded by family at get togethers, dinners and birthday celebrations! The aa meeting last tuesday was packed to the max, probably only a few seats empty. It was there that I heard "people places and things," "you have to stay away from people, places and things." I am not sure how you do that considering those things are all around you; however, Ted said it best a few minutes later when he was talking about the end of his drinking days and how he wanted to stop drinking at that point simply because it wasn't fun any longer, he just didn't know how. So with his story, he also said "you have to stay away from your playmates and playgrounds." That made sense to me, maybe not that night, but with some more thought about it, it  couldn't have been more true. Not because I want to stay away and lose friendships, but in order to keep the changes positive, you can't be going to the same bars, same restaurants with the same people you used to drink with, how then does the obsession of drinking go away, it just can't.

With all that said, I gave my two week notice at the place I have held the longest employment thus far. Five plus years of many many monday through fridays with the same faces, same routine, and expectations. Five plus years… my longest work relationship thus far!! This was supposed to be a career, a place I could maybe see myself retiring from, but it turned into something it wasn't and for whatever reasons, I need to move on. So as unexpected and very sudden it may have come to some of my coworkers, it was the same abrupt feeling for me too. If I have learned anything these past five years working in the school system, and struggling in my personal life with my own failed engagement, relationships, and so forth and come out of it alive and well and happy, then I shouldn't be afraid of change and what the future brings. If I have learned anything these past five plus years, it's that when the time comes to put yourself first, to take care of yourself, then you must and there isn't anything else to say but that you must put yourself first at times, it's not easy, but no one will treat you better than you can treat yourself, love yourself and respect yourself. I'm not saying I'm still not trying to do all those things better each and every day, but you get what I am saying.

This past week, things have been put into perspective for me, shed a new light on certain situations. Miss and I come from different households, different places, have had different experiences and such, but mostly we are very similar types of people. We want the same things for ourselves and our future of one day hoping to have a family together someway somehow, and experience new things and new places together, we want to be happy. Happy isn't just a smile on our faces after a good weekend. Happy together is being able to compromise, communicate, share, trust and respect when times are good bad and ugly. We have both experienced significant loss in our lives, and she has come face to face with almost losing her best friend, two years ago around this time of year when her best friend was fighting to stay alive. Miss has also lost her ability to work, run and play like she used to do because of an every day routine mail delivery when she was working as a mail carrier, and took a little step off a porch that just so happened to be a little ditch she couldn't see covered by leaves. A little fall changed her life. What I am getting at is she puts things in perspective for me every single day, but this past week was intense and perhaps just what I needed to get through my own stuff going on in my head.

AHHHH, if I could just get out of my own head every great while, life would be so much easier sometimes. Why am I worrying about all the things that don't matter, worry shouldn't even exist. Life is far far too short, as I have seen with so many deaths over the years of loved ones lives ending far earlier than their years. Can you imagine living without worry? Worry about where I am going to live, where we are going to live when my parents sell the house, who cares…we will move in with them and save money for a place of our own, at least we have parents that are willing and can help us out with this. Worrying about never being able to be a mom, to be pregnant. I shouldn't worry but it's hard to not think about it. I am healthy to date as far as I know from being to the doctors more frequently these past few months than ever; I can walk, talk, and play and run if I want to. I can do all these things and more, and with the support and love from both our families, we can do anything we want to these days. So imagine if the worry all went away, what would change in our lives, for the better?!?

I have had the best weekends of my life, and I say that to her every weekend, "this is the best weekend ever, thank you!" and she says to me, "I'm pretty sure you said that about last weekend, hahaha." Well then so what if I did, right? It's time to start having the best days of my life not just the weekends. How do we do that… for me, I need to be more positive, how in the heck do I do that, I need to surround myself with people who encourage that positivity, who love and support me in all that I do. Instead of to do lists, I should write gratitude lists, and lists of all the things I have, rather than those things I do not have, or not have yet. Eight years ago I got Russell because I couldn't stand people anymore, all the loss in my life, and all the pain of trying to find love, I needed someone who depended on me, I needed a reason to get up in the morning. And now eight years later, I am marrying someone who doesn't like animals, how does that work. It works with great patience, lots of communication and discipline. Proof that just because something may be fate and meant to be, love still requires patience, communication, respect, trust and understanding.

He was my reason for still feeling needed in the world, and you are my reason I didn't give up on everyone, didn't give up on finding a reason for feeling loved in the world, not by a dog, but by another human being. I love you Bebs!!!!!