"IT IS AWESOME"

I don't even know where to begin… Life has been really good this past week and a half, almost two weeks. Vacation at the beach house with friends and family, it was tough playing mini-Robin (my mother…the beach house hostess with the mostess, except she wasn't there, it was me and Miss doing the entertaining and hosting, and I loved every second of it!!) for about a week. It was an emotional time for me, when hasn't it been an emotional time for me these past eight, almost nine months since Miss has entered my life again, but just because it's emotional, doesn't mean it's a bad thing. 

The beginning of this past week would have been my Sittoo's (arabic for grandmother, since we are Lebanese) 85th birthday! That means she has been gone for ten years this August 29th! So hard to believe, where does the time go, what have I been through, what have we been through without her part of our family? The end of the week was a celebration of Life Memorial for Miss' grandfather who passed away this February while we were visiting her parents, uncle and Nana down in Myrtle Beach. The room was filled with laughter, hugs, smiles, and sweet sounds of 50s and 60s music in the background that Miss put to a video of pictures throughout years and years of his lifetime. It was bittersweet. 

We had taken a walk down the beach the night before the family memorial gathering, at sunset, just Miss and I and it was perfect. It was the perfect night for dancing on the beach to our future wedding song as she played it on her iPhone, my eyes never left hers. Tears rolled down my face for the anticipation for the memorial, and heartache she must feel but hardly explains to me, nor does she really have to because I have been through so much loss myself, but I am always here to listen and hold her. Tears for my own sweet sorrow and loss as well, because with time it only hurts a little less. All good things must come to an end, and so we were ever so grateful for the week we had to share with such great friends and family, and we really started twining them together like an ivy plant growing and twisting around a tree or a stick you put in the plant to keep it upright. Our families and friends are becoming one in our lives and it's a pretty great feeling. 

The only thing missing from that week were my brothers and the opportunities for them to bond and get to know her family as we will become one family very soon this December. I have to remember that they are at different places in their lives, and as much as it hurts, I can't dwell and dwell over something I can't change. They know I care about them greatly and wish them help and peace in their present days; however, I am not one to change anyone but myself. We come from different paths and families, Miss and I, and with that conversation came some realizations and facts that my family is just younger than hers, and when you have children like all her siblings do, you grow up a little faster, you have different responsibilities, and little people depend on you.  Eventually you have to take care of yourself in order to take care of little ones who know no other way than to be taken care of by their parents. So maybe someday, maybe someday before they have little ones of their own, they will do whatever they need to grow up, and realize that today is truly a gift, one must live it to the fullest, surround yourself with those you love and things you love doing, because someday, somehow, you will look around, and it will all be gone. 

"Compare me to me" was said at the meeting tonight. It's these little sayings, the littlest things, the most simple things, and your life will be wonderfilled, as she said when she signed my first AA book two weeks ago. Simply wonderful. I have been going to AA meetings for exactly 3 months, and today I earned my 6 month coin!!! But let's back up to before the meeting even started…Miss and I were greeted in the front of the church with hugs and smiles and conversation about life, work and children. We missed last weeks meeting while beaching it, but it was definitely thought about by both of us. I love her support, I love how she also loves the meetings. It felt great tonight. It felt great to see everyone again, and it had only been a week. The familiar faces, the laughter that I just can't describe until you've heard it yourself, the judgment left at the door, and the embraces, handshakes and hello agains. I stood up big and tall today as I walked down an aisle of seats to go earn my 6 month coin, a shiny blue that resembles the color of our bridesmaid dresses!! More hugs, and handshakes on the way back to my seat. For this was the first time, I didn't go back and sit quietly, the smile on my face spoke more than words could say for this accomplishment. I knew I had to speak tonight or I would regret it. Just the other day, my old boss mentioned to me how impressed she was with my sobriety!

As I sat in my chair tonight, the same two seats we have been sitting in since April 1st, I couldn't stop smiling first off, and secondly, I gathered my thoughts as the chairperson was talking about life after sobriety and beginners and all the hard stuff in the beginning being so worth it if you truly take one day at a time. What was I going to talk about in such a short blurb? What if I say too much, or too little? Do I have to explain my background and why and how I got here? A few people spoke…and with my eyes on the clock, my ears wide open, and my mind racing with thoughts I could put together if and when I was actually called on to speak, there it was. He called my name to speak. I heard my name, but it took me a second since all that I had in my head seemed to just disappear. 

So I started, "Hi my name is Lianne, and I'm an alcoholic." The echo of everyone, "Hi Lianne." And so there it was, the moment I had been waiting for, all eyes on me. Right away I apologized for how emotional I was and would be, haha, no surprise there for those reading who know me at all!! I've had bigger audiences than this before, at dance recitals year after years, and just last year under the beaming hot lights on stage for national coming out day at clark university this past october, but this…this was different, not sure how, but it just was, perhaps because it's still fairly fresh, fresh in my heart, mind and everyday life. That's just it, it's been six months, but not an easy six months. Life isn't easy though, so just talk about it, everyone is listening. All eyes and ears on me. You would think I would remember exactly what I said, but I just remember bits and pieces and I'll always remember how I felt. I felt deserving, so deserving of my seat in these meetings, these small church halls filled with so much support and hope and genuine kindness. 

Staying on topic, I spoke about my life thus far, life after booze. It was December 29, and I just didn't have a drink that day, nothing ever said about me quitting. December 29, turned into not drinking december 30, and so on, and since Miss doesn't drink, not drinking on New Years Eve was no big deal either. It was a rough few months, I was miserable and just having a hard time, without getting into much detail, I explained work and friends. I worked with some of the best people, but you take alcohol out of the equation and what did we have left. I found myself miserable and irritated, quite honestly not knowing why. But there was a common theme still even without drinking, and that was everyone I worked with who I had partied with very frequently were still talking about their drinking weekends and plans, and it just wasn't the same. I tried being the same and setting up "book clubs" with old coworkers and new to get together after work, but for whatever reasons it just didn't work out, which I'm not sure how I felt about it then, but maybe it was for the best. I have heard at recent meetings, and typed it in previous blogs, that we must stay away from our playmates and playground, and although I didn't drink at work, I drank many many nights and weekends with those I worked with, feeling hurt and miserable by lack of communication and comments of me drinking water, or so forth, I needed to do something about it sooner or later because it just wasn't fair to the kids I worked with, the coworkers or myself if I would continue this misery during the week but I would be having a blast on the weekends. 

Change is hard, I said, as I choked up. No one wants to change, but like I said things change, and in six months, I have seen a lot of change. So I'm not sure how I ended up here in these meetings, but ironically my first meeting was April Fools Day, and I have gone to other meetings since as well, but it's these tuesday night meetings I find I am most comfortable, and supported. I have since changed jobs, and although the pay may be a little less or equal to, my mental health is far more important at this time in my life. Putting yourself first isn't easy, but it's the necessary thing to do for any kind of happiness and sobriety in life. "Thanks Lianne," and it was break time. I couldn't stop smiling or sweating while I remained seated near Miss, as she put her arm around me and said she was so proud of me. A guy came over to me, who I hadn't spoken with before but see frequently at these meetings, and he shook my hand, reassured me that the guilt and resentment will go away, and one can't worry about what other people say or think, you are being true to yourself and that's all that matters. He said it in a very loving grizzly bear kind of grandfather way, a little more grizzly on the outside but a softy on the inside I'm sure. Another guy who had high-fived me after my coin, said congratulations again. After break the meeting continued, and a few people who spoke made references to me and what I had said, it felt amazing!! As if the night couldn't get any better…we ended the night as always with the raffle and a prayer holding hands in a circle. The raffle was called and it was ME!!!!!! I WON THE RAFFLE!!!! The last three digits were 075… the 5!!!!!!!! That's our number. and today's date, 7/1….7-1=6…6 months sober!!!!!!! 

Craziness. As if I couldn't smile anymore. We joined hands, with my raffle ticket and coin in my hand still, then I proceeded to pick up some chairs to put away as always, when the person chairing, came over to me with the book I had won, titled Living Sober. He asked me if I had this book, when I said no, he said ok good. It's a great book and what you were talking about tonight about friendships and hardships you go through to get sober, it's a simple easy read and just filled with really good stuff. He said good to see you girls tonight and as we headed to the door, another guy, who I haven't seen before also told me, "it was good to hear ya tonight." 

It was good to talk tonight, it was a great talk, a great night.