family. unconditional love.

you have to accept how people have changed rather than how you want them to be, she said to me tonight during our session. the session that I thought I really didnt have much to say or talk about, but then again, when don't I have stuff to talk about? no but really, I am happy. I am truly happy, yeah there are things in my life that are not "fixed," resolved, or taken care of, people I love who are struggling so much and there is nothing I can do... heartache. true heartache. watching someone you love just be totally destroyed inside and not willing to help themselves or reach out to those who are still here waiting for them to reach out. sadness. disappointment. fear. family. love. unconditional love.


acceptance. so hard to do sometimes especially when we're talking about change. but afterall, change is the only constant thing on this planet! we all change. we all grow, some closer, some further away. a classic quote I have seemed to like over the years... "isn't it funny how day to day nothing seems to change, but when you look back, my how things have changed" and another fav, "isn't it funny when we look back on sadness, we laugh and when we look back on laughter and good times, we cry" Boy, isn't that the truth. We long for the way things used to be. The hardest part is letting go, accepting the changes, and maybe things would still be this way if those people we lost were still living? I try to think of that sometimes to help me stay grounded. I sure do miss those days. I still look forward to family gatherings, but its almost as if sometimes I need an extra psych me up before entering into the room...why? because I can't help but think of those people who's faces won't be staring back at me when I enter the room to say Merry Christmas, Happy Birthday or just a simple hello, how are you.

I've come a long way. or atleast I'd like to think so. there goes that negative self-talk again. I have come a long way. a long way since that little girl crying in my bedroom during high school, hating going to school, telling my mom to stop asking me how my day was, instead asking her why I was going in the first place, a long way from that little girl who just couldn't bare to look at pictures of old friends, old times, without anger and such sadness that she would give anything to just have those days back, a long way from that little girl who was homesick for months and months in college, finding her way through without her family physically by her side, a long way from that little girl who was scared to approach people, not realizing that sometimes other people are all talk and when approached just melt, a long way from that little girl who didn't think that her needs were important enough, a long way from that little girl who was just trying to please everybody else, trying to be loved by everyone else. I sure have come a long way...and the road doesn't stop here.


I've only just begun to truly believe the words that I speak, the words that I hear from others. I've grown to stand on my own two feet, but know that it's ok to ask for help. Thank you for the failures, and thank you for those who pushed me back up, but thank you to me, who reached out, who kept going when sometimes it was just so much easier to take care of everybody else...