words. tears. touch.

"never let go of hope. one day you will see that it all has finally come together. what you have always wished for has finally come to be. you will look back and laugh at what has passed and you will ask yourself, 'how did i get through all of that?'" (unknown)

If I can make it through losing friends, losing loved ones, going to college not knowing a single soul, living on my own, paying my bills, buying cars in my name only, then I can make it through this... that funny transition period....that time between ending and starting again, leaving all familiar and entering brand new. stressed? a little bit. hateful, bitter, sad, frustrated? yeah. a bit. sad, longing for how family and friends used to be. frustrated, with myself for feeling this way. feeling this way, I've been here before, felt this before... hated it then, hate it even more now. getting caught up in all the not's and the don't haves, so please...bring on the routines, bring on the full paychecks, I have more life to keep living....

"it's not so much that we're afraid of change or so in love with the old ways, but it's that place in between that we fear . . . it's like being between trapezes. it's linus when his blanket is in the dryer. there's nothing to hold on to." (marilyn ferguson)

After lunch with a friend today I realized I still have a lot of hate inside me. hate that comes topped with disappointment, disbelief, and sadness and I hate it. ha. I hate feeling this way, so many words, so many memories all being bounced and pulled and pushed around inside of me. I hate how I remember certain pety details of my past, I hate how people think they can just tell you how they think you should live your life, oh and wait, and then don't want to be your friend anymore anyways, then keep your fucking opinions to yourself and just stop calling me and hanging out with me, because I have done it that way before. But no lets one up my old friends this time and piss me off, hurt my feelings and then don't hang out or call me anymore. Thanks. And this hate, is not always towards people, its just like this hurt and hate to the world sometimes...I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way, you guys know exactly what I'm talking about it, we just all express it differently. I get bitchy and I cry...I cry for reasons, and I cry for no reasons...simply frustration. But hey, I could be doing more descructive things, so what's the harm in crying sometimes.

The hate will never go away. When there is so much of it? I know this is pretty bitter and negative, but its all about balance right? There will be some days when I just want to cry and be sad, and I need to be. I need you to hold me and love me without judgment without frustration of not knowing why Im crying. At the point of most of my tears, my words are useless. meaningless. There are no words left, I have had discussions and conversations with myself, my mom and whoever else over and over, words are meaningless, tears are all I have to let out...so make me smile when I am sad, make me laugh when I am mad, hold me when I am crying...asking for these things is hard, forgive me.

"We never know what will happen but I believe good things happen every day. I believe good things happen even when bad things happen. And I believe on a happy day like today, we can still feel a little sad. And that’s life, isn’t it?"-the book, Elsewhere