settle:to sink to the bottom

"living with integrity means: not settling for less than what you know you deserve. asking for what you want and need from others. speaking your truth, even though it might create conflict or tension. behaving in ways that are in harmony with your personal values. making choices based on what you believe, and not what others believe.”~ barbara de angelis

"the minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than what you settled for"

Integrity: adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty. Settle: to gather, collect, or become fixed in a particular place, direction,..to sink to the bottom, as sediment. settle for, to be satisfied with: to settle for less.

I would be engaged if it weren't for you. Not true. I would be engaged if it weren't for me. You, well you just helped make that decision a bit more clear :) when really it was there all along. I was not happy. I was confused, unhappy, stressed to the max, providing, and needing a break already, not even married, not raising my kids yet, only 27 years old. A sensitive guy he was, and maybe that's all that attracted me...it all seems to make sense when you can look back on it. I was settling. Deep down my mom knows too...minus the shock, minus the tears, minus the confusion, I know that she knows I was making a mistake. She also knows I don't go into something without having it rip me apart and going at it from every angle until I just can't take it anymore. I'm not one to make a huge life decision on a whim. Things aren't always as they seem, and people are not always who they say they are. So I've lost a few friends in the process, mostly all from my past, but for what reasons? For the one consistent reason being that I stood up for myself, I took care of myself, I said no to settling, I did not let my life go before my eyes, it was not my routine, it was not my child, it was not my family. And so I don't know any better reason than that.

settle. that's what I've always done. looking back it's so much easier to see than when you're in the middle of it. relationships, I've more or less always settled in relationships thinking that I could never do better or that I could fix them, or that they weren't so bad. Really? What were the gains for me in those relationships? Where were the partnerships, the benefits, the pros instead of the cons...what was I getting out of the relationships. time, money, tears, exhaustion from chasing people who were chasing someone else.

Routines. We are all creatures of habit and routines, I myself would much rather a routine than be "surprised" all the time. I'm too anal and organized to not love my routines. Key word here being "my" routines. In relationships it is so easy to get caught up in someone elses routines, someone elses wants and wishes that we so often forget about ours until its too late, we've since broken up and gone our separate ways...but why can't we both have our routines, our lives and be together. Until now I have not yet known the feeling..routines, you have yours, I am finding mine, and we have our routines together....my money is mine, and yours is yours...that alone is a very big deal. When you buy me a gift, knowing that it is your money and not the money from your allowance you said you never got enough, yet when asked to take over some bills, oh no, you're doing fine, I trust you. Well then if we don't have it, we don't have it. Knowing that I don't have to always pay for things...being treated without my own money, cause really who should I have thanked, you or me for taking me out to dinner if it was our money. Money. It's evil. There is absolutely nothing good about money, if you don't have it, you want it and need it, and when you do have it, you want more of it and you end up wasting half of it on god only knows what. The day I can get back on my feet and pay back my parents, I will be so grateful for, the road seems so long, starting over at square one again. But so grateful now for the people in my life that can and are willing to help me because they love me.

Thank you for treating me, thank you for taking care of me. I hate the loss of control I have sometimes, not being the sole provider and care taker, but on the same hand, am learning to be ok with it. Why don't I deserve someone who can take care of me...and not just with the money, but who will cook dinner without being asked, who will clean, who will go to the store and not fuss, who will tuck me back in to bed after they have convinced me to call in sick because even though I could try and make it, they know I work so hard and could use the day to get back to feeling 100%. Thank you for taking care of me. settling.. I am not.



people pleaser-- it's time to stop worrying about what other people think.

"one day you wake up and think to yourself: "wait a second! this is MY life."
and from that moment on, you begin the journey of loving your own ideas, your own instincts, and your own decisions. and in case you were worried... somehow, miraculously, you still end up nurturing, adoring, and taking care of the people you love. and you still want them to be happy... but you do it effortlessly, and without resentment. you do it because you want to."