be good to yourself.

‎"Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don’t give up." A.Lamott

I found this quote the other night, and as much shit that is going on in the world and having hope etc, it reminded me more personally of my recent gym endeavor!! Day 6 week 2. Can you believe there are actually people awake at 5:30 in the morning, and not just awake, but showered, dressed and driving off to work I suppose...while I go through the 2 stoplights, one of which is still blinking, on my way to the gym to sweat and feel the burn! Oh Boy, am I feeling the burn? Today, I met with my a trainer for the second free of charge orientation training I received when joining... and did he teach me a few things or two! He sure did! And I can't say I totally hate him for showing me things that in weeks/months from now my less flabby stomach and arms will thank him and me of course for all the hard work I plan on putting in! So what if I could barely reach my arms up to shampoo my hair today, and as my body burns in areas and muscles I did not know existed, I feel great about myself and my self motivation! Getting up an hour and half earlier than usual is an accomplishment in itself! HA!

Getting up may have been the hard part the first day or two, but I had to start somewhere! I have a few pairs of pants waiting for me in the closet to fit into, I have people and loved ones supporting me, I have the confidence and time to do this. The time is now. I need to feel even better about me, about my body, about me on the outside as well as the inside. I deserve this, my future deserves this... so getting up in the dark, that's where it starts. I showed up! I signed up and I showed up, and guess what Lianne, you enjoyed yourself, you left the gym smiling!! I woke up this past Tuesday looking forward to going to the gym, especially since we cancelled yoga for my coworkers surprise wedding shower, so come Tuesday, with much surprise to myself, I was actually looking forward to the gym...if that sounds crazy, just imagine how I feel saying it? HA!

All this.. comes after a pretty emotional week, and I know I'm an emotional person, however, even us emotional ones have our even more emotionally and for lack of better words, shitty week. Enough was enough I guess, it just piled up one thing after another, as the story goes. Brothers not showing up when they said they would, emotional stress at work I didn't know how to deal with other than crying and saying things I probably shouldn't have, but most importantly losing it with my loved one, a side they have never seen of me before, driving off when I was crying and screaming so crazily. It was time. It was past due. I needed me time. I knew it, but I didn't do anything about it before the explosion. I should have just known when the scrap booking had slowed down, the journaling non existent, and little to no down time at night whatsoever. So needless to say, and thank goodness, I finally made the call. I made a few calls/emails. I shortened my hours after work with my second job, I joined the gym, I started walking Russell again... I needed me time back. Denial? Stubborness? It is was it is. I can't change how things happened, I can't change anything from my past unfortunately, but I can change my future. I can change it by getting my ass to the gym even if it's dark, I can change it by taking more time during the week in doing things I love to do. That's what will get me through weeks in and weeks out.

It may be dark when I arrive, I may still have lines on my face from sleeping, I may be cold and yawning, but here I am ready to go, and sure enough when I leave, I'm sweating, smiling and the sun is shining. The day has just begun. This journey, another chapter, has just begun, and I won't give up, because I can't give up, because if I have learned anything in counseling and psychology classes, if you fall, only you can pick yourself up and keep going.

"The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past… we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you… we are in charge of our Attitudes."-C.Swindoll