"...he's not for you..."

"Because you're hoping you're wrong. And every time he does something that tells you he's no good, you ignore it. And every time he comes through and suprises you, he wins you over, and you lose that argument with yourself, that he's not for you."

So this entry is dedicated to a friend who told me to "blog it!"...and I'm doing just that....its about a boy and sex and well not even great sex, but this boy who you just cant get out of your head day in and day out, all the while he is not committed to you, he's seeing other girls and you're aware or unaware of just how many, yet he writes you letters, spends just enough time with you that you cant get him out of your head day in and day out, he's there. he's your best friend, best friend with benefits. We've all been there at one point or another in our lives or have heard this same ol' story from a friend, as a matter of fact, we've probably taken care of our broken hearted friend reassuring her that he's not seeing other people, how could he see other people, he seems so in to you! the first offense goes by, he apologizes, the second one passes, you let it go... why do we do this to ourselves? settling. desperate need for love, but why, the sex isnt even that great half the time... and why does it seem that it mostly happens on his terms?! red flag! you're being used, and two can play this game, but why bother if the sex isn't even good in the first place.

there's this boy. he was my bestfriend. I did everything and anything for him. How many years did I have to wait for him to even show an ounce of appreciation that I deserved? I was a sister, a mother, a girlfriend, a lover, a friend, a shoulder to lean on, money to deposit when he was behind bars, you name it, I was it. But was I? Did he think of me as all of these things? If so, why didn't we ever date? This was the longest relationship I was never in to begin with! It was not an exclusive dating relationship at all, nor did I think that it was; however, I was always holding on to the thought that maybe some day it could be. All this time and love and support invested. I've never invested more time over so many years in one human being not related to me! and what for? its all gone now. ya the memories of the happier times, the times we both were there for each other, the times we laughed and cried and laughed some more... but they are just memories now. He's someone elses husband and a father to a bouncing baby boy.

The point I guess I'm trying to make, is when do you just have to realize that you are worth it, you are worth being someones number one.... why do you think about this boy so much who quite frankly isn't thinking twice about you, maybe because he knows you'll be there no matter what. Well one day you won't be there. That day is for you to figure out...how much longer do you want to torture yourself with endless thoughts of him and him and you, when you know for sure he's out giving the same time and attention to other ladies, other women who are not you! So go on and get out there, quit wasting your time on him, two can play this game, so why not play it with someone who you might just have better sex with too! ha! girls are just as needy as men and if we don't take care of our own needs, they sure are not going to (without lots of verbal prompt and sometimes physical prompt)

I am not saying this is easy, we all know it's easier said than done. These are my thoughts, my thoughts coming to you from a much healthier and stable state of mind, thoughts that I couldn't have put down into words or even thought of months ago...its a process, and sooner or later we get sick of not getting the result we want, so we do something about it. I leave you with this...

"Shush. You broke my heart. And you acted like somehow it was my fault, my misunderstanding, and I was too in love with you to ever be mad at you, so I just punished myself! For years! But you waltzing in here on my lovely Christmas holiday, and telling me that you don't want to lose me whilst you're about to get MARRIED, somehow newly entitles me to say, it's over. This - This twisted, toxic THING between us, is finally finished! I'm miraculously done being in love with you! Ha! I've got a life to start living." -from the movie, The Holiday