vulnerable

vulnerable: capable of being physically or emotionally wounded, open to attack or damage...

As I sit here and go through my box of journals, diaries...secret and private writings I have written, collecting my thoughts on paper over the years as far back as the fifth grade... my ten year high school reunion is coming up, so a lot of time has passed since this journal writing, dear diary has started.

its all about boys you say as you read entry after entry. I have never shared such deepest darkest secrets with anyone, not even you mom when we've talked and talked about everything and anything at any given time of the day, having some of the best conversations this little girl could ask for, nothing but support and love, even at one in the morning on the upstairs cold bathroom tile floor.

vulnerable... to be open to such attack emotionally or physically, this case emotionally as you turn the pages of just one of the many journals... not judging, but understanding where I came from and how I could have such irrational thoughts still after all these years.

The box of journals made its way out of the back of the closet for my new project. my book. my story. my life. uncovered, exposed, out there for the taking. I'm ready for this journey. I'm passionate about writing and always have been, hence all the journals over the years, but I've also been a sharer, willing to talk to anyone who will listen. So this is my story... I will share my story, my life, not as a professional, not as a doctor or licensed psychologist giving advice or whatnot, but as a young girl, vulnerable, searching for love, for someone, for that feeling you read about and see on the movies, so I took what I could get putting my self worth aside, my feelings aside, my love for myself aside, these boys, these feelings, these people who took advantage of me, said they loved me, wanted me only when they wanted me, I took what I could get and I saw the positive out of every little thing.... that was me. I'm not happy nor proud looking back, and realize this is more than just writing a book and sharing, although that is what I want to do, share...in hopes I will reach just one person who was like me or knows someone like me and can relate to a story, a chapter or the whole thing....

This is a project, a journey, a look inside me, page by page, tear by tear, laugh by laugh...the ultimate therapy. my book. my story. my experiences. me over the years, breaking down my walls, putting them back up, and breaking them back down.....to find the real happiness, not the happiness in the journals. Boy, if I could have gone back in time and kicked that girl in the ass, smacked her in the face and told her that she was worth more than anyone never told her, more than anyone didn't treat her, she was worth more than she put her self through, more than she put up with from people who never treated her more than she was worth.

I am ready. I am ready to relive the pain, the hatred, the love, the lust, the loss, the what ifs, the could have beens, the never weres... at 27 years old, I made the biggest choice of my life, to not get married, to not deserve less, to not settle for something because I thought more would never come. I put myself first, I was the leading lady of my life, no longer standing on the side lines, or sitting on the bench, in second place, just along for the ride.

vulnerable: to put yourself out there, ready for ridicule, judgment, defeat or victory...as we sit here and read back journal entry after journal entry, the wounds opening up again, the tears rolling down my face, but this time, right now, right here, no judgment. sadly, only embarrassment and shame.

thanks for listening, thanks for reading, thanks for loving me mom, dad, anthony, nicholas, and my extended family and friends.