when you hurt, I hurt.

we all cry. we all crave attention. we all want attention. we are all looking for love, we are all wanting to be loved, we all want someone to love and take care of. to each of us, it sounds different, it looks different, but its all the same. it's life and we have to take the good with the bad, we have to forgive and forget, we have to move on from the hate, from the all the bad, or we can't welcome more love and more good this crazy messed up world has to offer us before we die. we all die. but it's not our choice to decide when we do or how we do it.

you are loved. you have people who love you. you know that. you've always known that. reaching out... now that's different. reaching out for help. asking for help. how does one do such a task? how does one admit to oneself that he/she needs help. you must succumb to the realization that you have reached your rock bottom. you can't help yourself. you have become so wrapped in your thoughts and negativity that you don't even know where to start or where to look. others may help and support you, but in fact you yourself can only help yourself. we all handle pain in a different way.

it hurts me to know that I can't help you but be there for you, but my counselor said and I know deep down that I am helping you by just being there for you, as you are there for me in return. family. we're born into it, and in the end it's all we have. define family in any way that it applies to you. you always said blood is thicker than water. so for purposes of this blog, family here applies to blood related family. The family you are born into, leaving you no choice but to love all those who surround you, even if they are the ones who after years, only show up to birthday parties, baptisms, and holidays. all the space in between. all the life in between, yah, we may not know about each other anymore, in all that space as we have grown older starting our own lives, but you know deep down they would do anything for you, they would show up at your funeral. ha, your funeral. isn't it too late by then? so the family that you do talk to and see more than the list above, get to know them even more, talk to them even more, and love them even more.

we are all so strong, stronger than we give ourselves credit for. you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. look at all this life around you, those who are still living, laughing, loving... look up to those who can go on after losing both parents, be grateful you have one or both left, be grateful for those who can go on after divorce, disorders, and such horrible things that people have done to our bodies. We are all strong, strong in our own ways. How can we compare, we can't, and we won't, or we'll never think we deserve as much as we do! we do!! religion...it's a funny thing, to believe in this one guy, this one God, who has all these powers to create and take away, the good with the bad again I suppose, but why? We all these tests in life? who knows. maybe its not for us to know. but faith, we all need a little faith. We have to have faith and hope that tomorrow brings more happiness than sadness, more strength to keep us going, more faith to believe that no matter how many people do things to our bodies without asking, take away people we love, end our friendships without asking, or whatever may apply to you reading this, we need to have that faith and hope to go on, to maybe not always forgive, but to make our heart just a little bit bigger tomorrow to forget. forget the hurt,the pain, the sadness. not all the time, just a little less each day.

make new memories.

I look up to you for loving and letting people in after those guys did such horrible things to you and your body, leaving you hospitalized for a bit...and I look up to you for being good parents when you no longer have your own parents in your life, and I look up to you for helping and taking care of those when you only have one parent left to take care of you....

so I cry today because the big guy upstairs didn't take you from me today, I love today because that's the only thing I want to do, I smile today because I need to stop crying, I look forward to family gatherings because if that's the only time we will see each other, than I will make the most of it.