let it out.

not sure how to start this one, so I am just writing. Because if I know anything it is that writing sometimes heals. Don't get me wrong, these past two months have been amazing, but with amazing, with the good comes the bad right? Talk about emotional? I have been over the top I feel like. It has to be this time of year and all the holiday hooplas, forced family fun, and being so close to Christmas vacation, a work vacation longer than a three day weekend, but still so far away these past few weeks. Meeting you again back in October was the best thing ever, and what we have blossomed into in these crazy two months, even better... yet we are still getting to know each other, live with each other's quirks and all that jazz, amidst the hustle and bustle of holiday parties, work parties, get togethers and family. 

I wouldn't suggest to anyone meeting someone around this time, yet again, meeting the one, the one you want to spend forever with because you know in your heart people just don't reappear into one another's lives over ten years or so. So I guess what I am really suggesting is that you not look for love, love just finds you. 

It finds you at your best, or your worst, when the season is hectic or you're home all the time by yourself doing nothing. You can't control it. It just happens. Just like we can not control the ones we love and care about so much that sometimes it's unhealthy and consumes your life more than it should. 

My brother has been depressed for years, to say the least, and even though all of what is going on in his life or not going on, he always texts me back. The other morning he did not. And the words he has said to my mother haunt me in my sleep, why would he say that, why would he voice such hurt and pain. Yet, Missy thinks it's a good thing, he is letting it out, and not keeping it in. 

Well, poor her, because I have been doing a lot of letting out. It's like I don't know how to be in a healthy loving relationship. I don't know how to talk, communicate without being defensive or snapping. I am trying too hard to make sure things go right, forgetting to breathe, not knowing how sometimes, and go go going because if I stop or slow down, I will burst at the seams with all my family's pain I am holding in. I hurt when they hurt, I want to fix them, but know I can't. 

So I need to continue to heal and fix myself. for me, for us, for this relationship. for the rest of my life. I need to breathe, slow down, let it all out, and keep going. You don't realize how hard it is to talk sometimes, especially when I am so good at talking and writing and meeting people. But going back to that quote we always hurt the ones we love most, why??? Just another thing that doesn't make sense to me. I don't want to hurt or hurt you. I may be a little rough around the edges, and need a little extra help in learning how to communicate better after years of not doing so much of that, walking on eggshells with loved ones, so instead we don't speak, we don't communicate through our words of love as we should be doing. Because people need to heal themselves, want to heal and help themselves. And us, their family, their loved ones... well we have to sit back, pray for them, worry for them, but most importantly just love them and be there for them if and when they do reach out. 

So thank you for holding me, catching me, helping me these past two months. The past two months are not my usual life, and if we make it to January 1, 2014, I'd say we are doing well.