worry. waste of time.

What a month it has been and it's only half way through. To say we have been busy is an understatement these days, if it's not one thing it's another…weddings, trips to Maine to visit family and friends, birthday dinners and parties, vacation at the beach house and starting a new job.

It's been quite the emotionally, stressful and bittersweet past few weeks, or months maybe I should say that led me to this point in deciding a new job at this point in my life is best. I knew I was getting burnt out, I knew I needed a change, not sure why it was happening or what exactly else I would be good at doing, but I knew I wasn't being good at this anymore for whatever reasons and that's not fair to the people I work with, and especially the children I work directly with on a day to day basis. I was having fun, having a blast on the weekends with my sober life…figuring out things to do together sober, and also just not having enough time to worry about what to do because we are surrounded by family at get togethers, dinners and birthday celebrations! The aa meeting last tuesday was packed to the max, probably only a few seats empty. It was there that I heard "people places and things," "you have to stay away from people, places and things." I am not sure how you do that considering those things are all around you; however, Ted said it best a few minutes later when he was talking about the end of his drinking days and how he wanted to stop drinking at that point simply because it wasn't fun any longer, he just didn't know how. So with his story, he also said "you have to stay away from your playmates and playgrounds." That made sense to me, maybe not that night, but with some more thought about it, it  couldn't have been more true. Not because I want to stay away and lose friendships, but in order to keep the changes positive, you can't be going to the same bars, same restaurants with the same people you used to drink with, how then does the obsession of drinking go away, it just can't.

With all that said, I gave my two week notice at the place I have held the longest employment thus far. Five plus years of many many monday through fridays with the same faces, same routine, and expectations. Five plus years… my longest work relationship thus far!! This was supposed to be a career, a place I could maybe see myself retiring from, but it turned into something it wasn't and for whatever reasons, I need to move on. So as unexpected and very sudden it may have come to some of my coworkers, it was the same abrupt feeling for me too. If I have learned anything these past five years working in the school system, and struggling in my personal life with my own failed engagement, relationships, and so forth and come out of it alive and well and happy, then I shouldn't be afraid of change and what the future brings. If I have learned anything these past five plus years, it's that when the time comes to put yourself first, to take care of yourself, then you must and there isn't anything else to say but that you must put yourself first at times, it's not easy, but no one will treat you better than you can treat yourself, love yourself and respect yourself. I'm not saying I'm still not trying to do all those things better each and every day, but you get what I am saying.

This past week, things have been put into perspective for me, shed a new light on certain situations. Miss and I come from different households, different places, have had different experiences and such, but mostly we are very similar types of people. We want the same things for ourselves and our future of one day hoping to have a family together someway somehow, and experience new things and new places together, we want to be happy. Happy isn't just a smile on our faces after a good weekend. Happy together is being able to compromise, communicate, share, trust and respect when times are good bad and ugly. We have both experienced significant loss in our lives, and she has come face to face with almost losing her best friend, two years ago around this time of year when her best friend was fighting to stay alive. Miss has also lost her ability to work, run and play like she used to do because of an every day routine mail delivery when she was working as a mail carrier, and took a little step off a porch that just so happened to be a little ditch she couldn't see covered by leaves. A little fall changed her life. What I am getting at is she puts things in perspective for me every single day, but this past week was intense and perhaps just what I needed to get through my own stuff going on in my head.

AHHHH, if I could just get out of my own head every great while, life would be so much easier sometimes. Why am I worrying about all the things that don't matter, worry shouldn't even exist. Life is far far too short, as I have seen with so many deaths over the years of loved ones lives ending far earlier than their years. Can you imagine living without worry? Worry about where I am going to live, where we are going to live when my parents sell the house, who cares…we will move in with them and save money for a place of our own, at least we have parents that are willing and can help us out with this. Worrying about never being able to be a mom, to be pregnant. I shouldn't worry but it's hard to not think about it. I am healthy to date as far as I know from being to the doctors more frequently these past few months than ever; I can walk, talk, and play and run if I want to. I can do all these things and more, and with the support and love from both our families, we can do anything we want to these days. So imagine if the worry all went away, what would change in our lives, for the better?!?

I have had the best weekends of my life, and I say that to her every weekend, "this is the best weekend ever, thank you!" and she says to me, "I'm pretty sure you said that about last weekend, hahaha." Well then so what if I did, right? It's time to start having the best days of my life not just the weekends. How do we do that… for me, I need to be more positive, how in the heck do I do that, I need to surround myself with people who encourage that positivity, who love and support me in all that I do. Instead of to do lists, I should write gratitude lists, and lists of all the things I have, rather than those things I do not have, or not have yet. Eight years ago I got Russell because I couldn't stand people anymore, all the loss in my life, and all the pain of trying to find love, I needed someone who depended on me, I needed a reason to get up in the morning. And now eight years later, I am marrying someone who doesn't like animals, how does that work. It works with great patience, lots of communication and discipline. Proof that just because something may be fate and meant to be, love still requires patience, communication, respect, trust and understanding.

He was my reason for still feeling needed in the world, and you are my reason I didn't give up on everyone, didn't give up on finding a reason for feeling loved in the world, not by a dog, but by another human being. I love you Bebs!!!!!

pretty pink coin

If everyone went to open discussions AA meetings, the world may just be a happier place. If there were meetings titled miserable people meetings, would people show up? Is that enough of a reason to go to a therapy like setting, and a free one at that? maybe, maybe not. There was so much laughter in the room last night, it was so good to hear. That's the thing….these AA meetings are anything but depressing.

Last night's topic was from a horoscope about attitude. If you have the right attitude, and surround yourself with the right kind of people for you, and stuff like that. I forget word for word but you get the idea. The person who volunteers to chair and run the meeting chooses a topic, tells their story and then opens it up for discussion. I was hesitant to raise my hand in the beginning, so I didn't. As the night went on and I heard more stories about this topic, my hand crept up slowly. I didn't speak tonight. I chickened out at the end when we were running out of time. I will talk, I will talk sometime soon. However, tonight, I did go up in the beginning to receive my 5 month coin! On the way back to my chair, I got a high five from Sam, who I'm pretty sure whistled again. Oh, and Paula said I had a nice smile in the beginning of the meeting. At break time, Alex shook my hand as well as a few others passing by said their big congratulations!

It's a pretty light pink coin with the number 5 in the middle among some encouraging words and on the flip side of the coin, it is the serenity prayer. A prayer we often end the meetings with in a circle holding hands. I played with the coin all night, tossing the idea around of speaking at last nights meeting. Til next time though.

Attitude. People spoke of many things I could relate to as usual. People spoke about troubled work experiences or people at work that irritated them; people spoke of life at a certain age, what's left for them and people spoke about having bad days, which really didn't seem so bad, like forgetting that their car was at Monroe for an oil change instead of elsewhere which led them to call the cops thinking their car was stolen. It's all about attitude. The people you hang around can make or break it, as well as your own personal attitude on things, anything!

It's so hard to stay in the present. I have never been one to easily do that. I hold grudges, I don't forget easily, and I have had a lot of loss in my life, so what's there to be so positive about all the time?! For the mother and father who I still have in my life and are still married, for my siblings, my family members who are living and well and healthy for the most part, for my amazing fiancé who has taught me a lot about myself and being in a healthy loving relationship, and for my health for the most part is good too. There are lots of things to be thankful for, I get that, and I have always been thankful for things and people in my life. The world makes it so easy to focus on the bad and the negative, but all that negativity can become so draining and ugly.

I have cried (and laughed) more in the past seven months, genuinely laughed and cried. I think it's because for so long, I didn't have time to cry or laugh or really be there for myself. I had always been in relationships which required me to take care of other people, financially, emotionally, or just enough of everything else that I never put Lianne first. So when I did, when I finally had enough grieving of past failed relationships and engagements, I kept going to the gym and partied, a lot. I went to work because that's what you do, then the gym because I was determined even though the scale didn't say much, and partied a lot. Almost every weekend, at least every two weeks, there would be a reason to celebrate or just a ladies night at a local bar I would go to. There were nights I didn't remember driving friends home. How lucky I was to have never injured myself let alone another human being. "Let's go have a drink after work," "What are you doing this weekend, let's go out for a drink!" or "Sure why not." I never stopped at one, or two, or three for that matter most times. It wasn't like years before when I would pour myself a drink to unwind after the work day, only to fall asleep on the couch with it half consumed. So yeah, I only drank heavily for maybe the past year and a half or almost two, but that's not the point. The point of all this is that looking back, I don't remember a time when I didn't drink much. I hardly never drank in high school, I was way too scared of that, and it took me some time to start drinking in college too, but I got the hang of it. Who doesn't bring some malibu rum mixed with fruit punch in a clear water bottle to their 11:15am class on a Tuesday morning of their 21st birthday? yum! There were some times I may have embarrassed myself a little more than usual but who doesn't go through all of that when they are drinking and having fun? I could go on and on, but the point that I am trying to make is at the end of my drinking days, it wasn't fun anymore. It was like a chore that required many naps before I started. It would start out fun, and then someone would just end up crying or being too emotional, or be too drunk to function and pass out. When did I not care about driving buzzed or drunk? Where was that little girl in high school or even college that was so scared of the law and getting in trouble….what happened to her when she was drinking? Alcohol was my choice drug that's all. I was self medicating myself because I had more than enough time on my hands to dwell on the past like I do and wonder if I'd be alone for the rest of my life too. I had all the time in the world, and only had to get up to go to work, then the rest of the day and night were mine.

These past five months, I have been struggling with the feelings of not being fun. I'm no fun anymore since I'm not drinking, or what's there to do with people and other couples other than drink? There are lots of people who don't drink, I remember one guy saying in a meeting a few weeks ago. There are? because I only know a select few, including my dad and my fiancé. Where are those people? I need to find those people. It's funny that I cancelled my therapist appointment Monday night, but I didn't think twice about how it's a busy week and maybe I should skip my Tuesday night meeting. Everyone should go to AA meetings, because these people are the most normal people I've ever met with everyday struggles and truth, but also personal victory stories, no matter how small or big they may be. It's all about attitude and finding those who help make your attitude better. So yesterday I started taking those steps in making my attitude better, even if that means more changes in the future. I can't be worried about where I'm going to live, or how I'm going to do this and that. I paid off my 34,000 dollar car loan finally and I sure as hell didn't think I'd be able to do that! I met someone I am truly happy with and am going to spend my life with. Love and life is about sacrifice, commitment, dedication, and strength. Be grateful for those who remain in your life no matter how crazy you may be, no matter how foolish or reckless you may have been, or how bitchy you come across because you are so frustrated with figuring things out, you forgot to live in this wonderful moment. I have a lot of things that others don't have, and if I sit here any longer naming the things that other's have that I don't, I'm going to continue to sabotage my relationships with people and more importantly myself.

one day at a time.

One day at at a time. That's all that we can do. So much easier said than done. One day at a time was the topic last night at the tuesday aa beginners meeting, ironically filled with people who have been earning their seat as early as 1992 and then some. Why are they here still? How come they have to come to meetings still? Wow, after all these years they still need reminders and to talk about their journey. If you were to ask me all these questions almost two months ago when I walked into my very first meeting, I wouldn't have been so sure how to answer, but now, now I get it. 

One day at a time. Everyone's different with different pasts and experiences, but we all have one thing in common at those meetings. We are not normal social drinkers. They keep coming to the meetings because of the friendships they have formed, the feeling of helping others in the meetings as well as themselves, and why not come to the meetings, it's free therapy! As mentioned in previous discussions, "people in AA are some of the most normal people I have ever met," said John. It's true. People in AA are there because they can't manage a huge part of their life, but it's not always about the alcohol. That's the drug of choice: alcohol, but it's all the other things in their life that became/become unmanageable due to the misuse or abuse of alcohol beyond one's control. 

Living in the moment. One day at a time! A lot of great things were said last night. "If you have one foot in the past and one foot in the future, you piss all over today." "Live in the now...NOW...no other way!" A wise older woman who delivered a great thought at last nights meeting..."let's be more childlike. Children know how to live in the moment, in the present...have you ever interrupted a child during play in their sandbox? Yes sure it's lunch time but they must finish what they were building or playing with...that's living in the moment in the now!" 

It seemed much easier back then before we were corrupted by the world we live in. Alcohol is everywhere and it's a legal drug! Thousands and thousands of people misuse or abuse it everyday!! So why is there such shame or embarrassment by being an alcoholic?! Why do we even have to worry about going out to a restaurant with coworkers after work or a holiday party with friends or family? Why do we have to worry what others will think or say if we don't pick up a drink with the rest of them? It's like worrying about people not liking your outfit or the way you wear your hair. Most others don't really care about those things, we tend to care mostly about our own self, so why the shame?

My first meeting I attended, like I have mentioned in previous blogs, I did not introduce myself as an alcoholic. But I am. I am an abnormal drinker. I didn't drink every day, but when I did…I couldn't stop myself. I didn't know when to stop. I kept going and why not. I had no responsibilities, I had no one who loved me waiting at home. I had a job, I had friends, I was just having a good time, not hurting anyone….but I was. I was hurting, but in a different way. Just like you grieve in different stages, I guess I was hurting in different stages. The anger and sadness was gone, so bring on the irresponsible fun and recklessness.

To be here typing this to you, I am so fortunate. If anything these past sober months, I have revisited over and over my past drinking nights, days and afternoons and there is not one proud moment, nor fun for that matter. Yes, I had fun, but in the beginning. Almost every single drinking day and/or night that started out fun ended in future embarrassments, heartaches, or terrible decisions! I am fortunate that peeing myself the second time was enough. The first time, I was by myself. The second and last time, I was with my friend sharing a sleep space, but thank god she didn't notice, or maybe she did and just didn't say anything. I drank in the mornings, I drank by myself, I drank out of control at family functions and random nights. But maybe that was it, peeing myself and sleeping through it! Wake up!! Who lives like that? Who was taking care of me? No one but myself and I was doing a terrible job at it.

There is no shame in not drinking among friends at a holiday party, or at the beach house among family. There is shame and embarrassment in peeing yourself while sharing a bed with a friend on vacation. There is shame in stumbling home being held up by friends. There is shame in letting people take advantage of your body and emotions. There is no shame in choosing to not doing something any longer that allows you to think clearer and function day to day making better life choices, even if it means a few extra tears along the days, some days.

People have told me "I was scared when you drank, I saw it, you couldn't stop" and yes, I could be upset as to why they didn't intervene earlier, but I'm too embarrassed to feel anything but shame and humility. Many people at the meetings have said they remembered their last drink, and how they don't want to forget their past because they don't ever want to end up back there. I don't ever want to be so helpless, so vulnerable and so humiliated again.

One day at a time. One day at a time without alcohol and just with life in general. We don't know what tomorrow brings, but we need, I need to stop living in the past and all the ridiculousness it has attached to it. What's done is done. I have made it to where I am because this is where I am supposed to be. I truly believe everything happens for a reason. My angels in the sky were looking over me, and I scared them too many times, along with those still here in my life. You never realize just how far you've come until life changing things have happened to you, and I have come pretty damn far! I have come too far to do anything stupid to mess up what's ahead for me in this crazy beautiful world.

"if you collect your pennies, you'll become a millionaire, if you collect your days, you'll have years and years of sobriety."

"alcohol doesn't control me, it doesn't tell me who to hang out with, where to go, and what to do anymore"

"my normal is pretty great now, I enjoy warm showers... spending time with my family… I couldn't enjoy those things before because they didn't happen"

Accept today. It truly is a gift many won't get.

I can only speak for myself about the quote above, it holds a lot of truth. As easy as it sounds, It hasn't been the easiest process for me…about ten years in the making…but there was something about the tuesday night aa meeting that brought a new light to the whole concept of acceptance and forgiveness. 

It was step 2, "came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity," the topic of discussion and like every Tuesday night many people shared and again there were a few things of what people said that caught my attention more than the rest. If we don't believe in a higher power whether that person be God or whomever or whatever.... We have to believe that we are not in control of all things. There is always going to be death, accidents, loss and a change of your plans because you can't control everything nor everyone. We have to forgive those who hurt us but more importantly forgive ourselves. Someone else spoke of "let it happen." Ahh that is such a struggle for me on a daily basis. My life was just happening with alcohol but in a different sense of the phrase... It was happening and I had absolutely no to little control about those drinking nights...that only led to not arrests or duis, but just headaches, heartaches and confusion. Why was I adding more of that into my life? Was it really helping me forget the past hurt? No, it added more hurt and more heartache and thoughts of loneliness forever. 

I don't need that anymore. I don't have drama in my life like that anymore. Alcohol added so much fun, yeah sure but so much confusion, empty lonely thoughts and more headaches. It was a temporary novacane for me. 

I have cried more in the past four months than I have in a long time. The novacane is no longer there. The reality of life is and how there are some things we can not control or even plan no matter how hard we try. And to really understand things that have happened to me in my life, I needed to remove alcohol because with all that liquid courage came much confusion and drama and dwelling. I don't want to feel how I have felt for past years and years. I've always wanted to forgive and most importantly move on with my life accepting the things I can not change, accepting those who have forever left my life on this earth, and those who have chose to not be apart of my life for whatever reasons. 

I am no longer chasing those reasons, unanswered questions or lost hopes. I am embracing today and all of my flaws and everything that makes me so strong, beautiful and lovig because I am all of those things and much more. 

Walking in to the room this past Tuesday and having Paula and Alex and Sam say Hi Lianne and even Hi Missy was some kind of big feeling I can't really explain, other than awesome and fulfilling. It made my heart happy. 

She makes my heart happy too. I wouldn't have had that time with my brother (in my last blog) if I wasn't sober and the same for him. I couldn't be more proud of him for staying with his school and finishing soon, and giving him his addiction that has haunted him for years. 

There is so much to be thankful for, so much that makes me happy and so much I have been missing out on. I have all that I need and will be blessed with whatever each day brings to us. 

good ol' days

This weekend has been something like mind changing, but to the ordinary eye it may have just been some regular old weekend. To me...It wasn't! It started Thursday when my therapist was pleasantly surprised I have still been attending aa meetings. Not only attending, but this weekend you could say I included more of the aa meetings into my daily life, or maybe it was time that it just kind of happened that way, either way it was a great weekend. 

Friday night was dinner and bowling with Miss' cousin and her boyfriend. Good laughs, an easy going fun friday night, but the best part the night, besides of course laughing and being with my fiancé and some of her extended family, was that no one drank any alcohol. We all had a great time talking at dinner and laughing, then bowling for two competitive hours thanks to groupon, and a quick card game at their house. It seems such a simple concept but really I can not remember a time hanging out and laughing at dinner and bowling without alcohol among great company!! On the way home, I couldn't help but stare at my fiancé with a smile on my face. I enjoyed myself!! I am fun without drinking!!! A topic that was discussed thursday at therapy. The biggest struggle I have had with no alcohol in my life. The fearful thoughts that I was just no fun without drinking, and like my therapist said, "that's sad Lianne, that you think you're no fun… it's not about the alcohol, it's your personality and who you are, you are a fun loving person."

After work Saturday, Miss and I took a drive, an unplanned drive, sightseeing the surrounding towns, and potential places we could afford to live someday. Life is fun with her, life is how it should be with her by my side, in the driver seat, taking me for a ride of my life. This is supposed to feel like this!! Buying snacks, holding hands, talking about the scenery…"we could totally live here some day!" And someday we will live somewhere in the most perfect house for us, holding our babies. Sugar highs, random drives, and driving ranges in Palmer, Ma.

Just when I thought the weekend couldn't get any better…. Sunday after church, with no plans to do lots of nothing, turned out to be the breakfast out, and a little shopping for my bride to be best friend was exactly what I needed. However, it didn't stop there. We ended up napping on the couches of my parent's house with Miss saying "are we pulling a Cosky?" haha, yes yes we are. When in rome do as the romans, so when at my parents do as my parents…nap on the couch. :) Only to be woken up by my brother's arrival home from coaching and reffing, asking us what we were going to eat already! The three of us had a very enjoyable dinner with laughs and lots of conversation with and without our waiter, but mostly with (haha), at a local pizza place. "I don't get out much," he kept saying, but with smiles and laughter across his face, no shame, anger or sadness. And that made it all worth it even though our bill was outrageous (and we didn't even have alcohol!!!) but it was all worth it!

It didn't stop there, even though it probably should have since he needed to sleep before his overnight shift. We went back to the house and hung out in the sitting room with a little youtube music videos from back in the day. A little home karaoke if you will. Just like the good ol' days in our play room upstairs in the house we grew up in. Just like those days. I can't put into words the feelings I have from last night. I will cherish the photos we took, so I can remember it. But this feeling, this feeling I hope is the beginning of these new good ol' days we are making for years ahead.

not your rock bottom, but MY rock bottom

It has been 122 days since I last drank a drop of alcohol….ok maybe more than a drop, so yeah,…four months sober today, alcohol free. That's 2,928 hours…175,680 minutes… ok you get the idea?! Four months, to some may not seem like a long time, to others it is a very long time. Going without something you have had whenever you wanted or in my recent year and a half or so, whenever you gathered with friends.

Last week's meeting, many spoke about change. No one likes change, they all stated it, and even so if they didn't, it's just kind of one of those things that goes without saying. Who likes changing their ever so comfortable routine, and especially a big change, who wants to do that? Everyone's rock bottom is different, that is definitely something I have learned/heard at these meetings. Everyone's rock bottom is different!! And that is important for me to understand and be reminded of.

Looking back at my drinking this past year and a half or so, when I was so broken and torn from different previous relationships, so broken about having to move back into my parents house after seven years of being out on my own, so broken about never ever finding someone to share my life with…yes, I probably (still have a hard time admitting it but that's ok, because I am getting there) hit MY rock bottom, not yours, not anyone else's, but mine. The things I have done, I sure as hell am not proud of. Do I remember the nights? Did I have fun in those moments? You bet I did, but the consequences of my actions could have been very dangerous or even fatal. Was it safe to drive all those times, not once, not twice, but multiple times, driving buzzed and even more than buzzed drinking and driving? Definitely was not! Driving buzzed is still drunk driving. And for whatever reason, my rock bottom never included being pulled over, or even scared by the thought of being pulled over (something I was fearful of in earlier years, just fearing cops in general or getting in trouble) apparently all went out the window drink by drink. So now I thank whoever was watching over me all those times, be grateful that my rock bottoms were not public knowledge, to some extent they were though. Friends hanging on to me as I struggle home, only to not remember passing by a cop car or whatever else on the way back. You get the point, they were not all happy drinking hanging out with friends times. Why couldn't I just have one or two and be satisfied with that. Instead, it was ok why not one more, or another one…but those snuck up on ya by the end of the night, and by then it's too late. The next morning, "maybe I shouldn't have had that many," but rather my thoughts were "glad I made it home."

Do I miss certain things about it? My first reaction answer may be a yes I do, I miss some of the good times and laughs with friends. Do I miss drinking? After smelling the wine bottles we are cleaning for centerpieces, maybe a little, but why, I wasn't even a big wine drinker, but it smelled good and fruity.

Do I miss drinking and getting so gone that I pissed myself in my sleep I didn't even know it more than once? Do I miss drinking and getting in the car, focusing so hard and trying to keep my eyes open, chewing my gum and worrying about going the speed limit so I blend in and can just make it home? No. What was my problem, why didn't I think this was a terrible idea? I never got in trouble as a kid, such fear of being in trouble or doing something wrong, some may have called me a prude or neurotic, paranoid whatever. So who was this person, just getting in the car after drinks and drinks most weekends time and time again, and drinking to the point of being incoherent when I knew I didn't have to drive home but slouch over passed out in the passengers seat to be dropped home at my house or my mothers, to find the nearest couch or bed in my clothes to sleep for the remaining of the night. Who was this person?

Miss told me yesterday that she loves this Lianne. She loves me more and more every day. She says I am more confident. It's funny she says that, because I thought with alcohol and not a care in the world anymore I was the most confident. It was all just a coping mechanism that wasn't going to last forever.

So did I hit rock bottom? Maybe you don't think so, maybe you can't see it or understand it, but did I hit MY rock bottom? Most definitely.

Be smart. Be kind. Be mindful. Be respectful of yourself and others. Be responsible.

a little patience and a lot of faith

There is so much truth in this quote. I remember being told this as early as middle school by so called friends. And I wouldn't really understand, and never really understood why I shouldn't say how I feel. This is me, that was me, so what if I said what was on my mind. I'm glad I never really listened to my so called friends, because it led me here. Say how you feel, always. No regrets, yes sure I have said some silly stuff or not so great stuff, but those were the choices I made and I tell her just about every week or so that she is my reason. It goes along with the quote above…"it always ends up just the way it should be." It sure does. 

Everything happens for a reason, and everything is worth it. The waiting, the hoping, the searching…all the stuff we go through to get to where we should be, to get to where we think we may never end up, it couldn't be more worth it when you finally get there. And I am here. I finally got here and it's so much better than I could have ever dreamt. 

We are planning a wedding, looking for house, paying my car off, doing things, saving money, changing my focus on to my family, our families, my sobriety, making better choices, looking forward to church sundays, and family dinners, and day trips with each other getting lost on the open road. These things some of which I have done before and some I have not, either way, they are all new. New experiences, new adventures, new me…more meaningful experiences, more fun adventures, a more meaningful me. 

I don't do small changes. Something I thought about today and yesterday. I do big things or nothing at all. I go all out or stay all in. Like when I got my eyebrow pierced, or went out and bought a dog…both with little thought but I very much knew I wanted both of these things so I did/got them. I have made other life changes that others may have not understood at the time, but looking back, no regrets, and am happier than ever. I have had some deja vu with all of these big changes again with my most recent big change of not drinking….deciding to be sober, quit drinking…however you word it, talk about it or label it, I have made another big change in my life that people may or may not approve or question it. I am being a more meaningful me, living my life in a different way than I have, yes, but a more meaningful me, doing things I have never even imagined I would in my lifetime. Looking for a house? Paying off my 34,000 dollar car loan? what what??? Holding the same job for the past five years? I am doing the most meaningful things I have ever done in my life and it feels great!! 

It's a transition. It's a change. It's something that will take time and patience. Will it all be worth it? Will I lose some people who were once close to me? Yes and Yes. But again, for the second time in my life, I am doing me, and that's not always easy. 

I never thought I would find a love like ours, ever. I never thought I'd see the day I am paying this car loan off….someday very soon I will be holding the title to the very first car I will own, and I never ever thought I would own a house someday…and all of this is because of you, because of US. I love you more than you can even imagine, but I hope someday, someday sooner than later, you know just how much I do love you, and am so grateful you showed up in my life again. 

You are my reason. I love you, I love