Happily Exhausted

exhaustion. complete exhaustion and excitement. I haven't blogged in over a month, a lot has happened in a month, if you're anyone who has followed my blog this past year, I'm sure you are not surprised by me saying that, a lot has happened in a year! so this past month...nothing different, a lot has happened and it has been very, very exciting and busy!!!!!

what a summer and fall... I quit my job of 5 1/2 years to take some mental health time for myself, I started a new less stressful job for the time being, I asked Miss to look at this house with me in the beginning of August even though we weren't actively looking for houses then, and she told me ok, but don't fall in love with it, and well we both ended up falling in love with it!!!!! It wasn't soon after that we needed to decide what to do next, I wanted this house and so did she! So we took the next steps and before we knew it the process had begun. There were a few chances to back out in the beginning if we had changed our mind, but both of us being very determined people were ready to go and prepared ourselves for wherever this could have taken us!!

We made our first offer around the time we were leaving for my best friend's wedding, the 13th of August! and we heard back the next day, standing firm at our offer two times, we got them to lower from the asking price about 9,000 dollars. They accepted our offer on the 14th!!!!! and so the inspections and fun stuff with the actual mortgage loan application began. Back and forth and back and forth, I learned a lot about buying a house! We had tons of knowledge and helpful people in the process of buying our first home! It was a long, painful at times, but so very worth it process!!!

Enough with all the little details, it has been a week since we are mostly all moved in thanks to our parents and other family members and neighbors who moved us in and did huge improvements before moving in/and while moving in! 

 It started looking and feeling like OUR HOME this week!!!!!

"Not a lot of people get a house for their birthday," said her brother! And he is right! haha

my birthday... my last birthday with my birth name, as I will be taking Miss' last name.

my age this birthday, the age I will be when we wed in less than two months, also equals 5!!!!!

Five is our number, coincidence, I think not? :) 

This has been such a great week in our new home, so much to do and it is still so surreal that we have our very own home!! And a home it is becoming!!! 

Miss said today that I haven't left the kitchen! Im just so excited I guess to have my own kitchen! Our own living room our own bedrooms our own weight room our own spaces!!!!!! Our own yard... And Russell's fenced in yard that I'm actually excited to take and clean up!! And for our yard... I can't wait to see what the spring brings :-) but first things first we have a wedding to finish planning!!!!! What a great year this has been... I am so blessed and the year is not over yet! 

If it makes you happy...

I cried last night in AA. I was completely vulnerable. The topic was confusion. Confusing things when you first started coming to AA. I talked about how confusing it is that I'd rather be at a meeting than at my parents house. That is confusing to me. I talked about how my relationship with my mom is different yet other family members were glad I stopped drinking with no questions. Also confused about that, and why they didn't reach out when I was drinking. Drinking or not drinking is not the problem, it was my medicine. It made me numb to things I didn't want to feel. I didn't want to think I'd be alone forever or that I had already had many failed relationships and after seven years of living on my own, out from underneath my parents roof, that is where I found myself. Until this past year or so, but still sort of under my parents roof, just the one they don't live under but still own. I am in the process of buying a house with my fiancé, in the process of getting married, planning my honeymoon, enjoying my bachelorette and bridal shower weekend! This is the happiest time of my life so why am I crying.

I am sick of feeling like I need to explain myself. I am frustrated with the way I feel when I walk in my parents house, the atmosphere or something in the air, and suddenly my mood changes. I don't get it. I was so happy the whole way there yesterday!

People spoke after me, after my first emotional breakdown at AA last night. This lady spoke to me pretty much when she spoke about families and her relationships with her family. "Family and loved ones should be happy and excited that you are not drinking anymore, at least that's what they say, but not everyone may be as excited as you are that you have stopped drinking...this one family member didn't get it for the longest time and was sad and upset, and she didn't have her drinking buddy anymore...hang in there, it will get better. Your relationships will be different but that doesn't mean they will be worse, it just takes time for people to see."

Everything happened all at once. I started dating Miss and then we got engaged, I stopped drinking, I changed my job, We are looking at houses and in the process of hopefully closing on a house...Things are happening for us! Things are looking up for me...I no longer wake up hung over and forget my nights of so called fun for me, I drank to get drunk, how is that fun? I no longer take naps for no reason, I no longer sit at home by myself waiting for friends to call or drink by myself.

My life may be busy and changing, and in that time of change things are exciting.
No one is changing me, no one forced me to AA, it was my decision. And that fact that some "friends" even questioned that to me makes me so hurt. There is nothing wrong with me and not drinking. I didn't lose all my friends, so obviously I am not the problem. And people said it last night in AA, and my therapist said it months ago, people you used to drink with may feel more uncomfortable than you with you not drinking anymore.

I am LOVING my life! All the things I have done in the past year...it blows my mind!
I have ridden and even drove a motorcycle and I love going for rides on the bike!! I have searched for houses and found one and am taking a risk, cause that's what you do, there isn't going to be the perfect house, but we will make it perfect for us, if I don't try, I will never know. I have been in my best friends wedding, the only wedding I have ever been in and I was maid of honor!! People are gathering this weekend for us, because we are getting married! I'm getting married this year! I had a weeks vacation with family and friends and we hosted, it was awesome! I rode in a helicopter, I rode on one of the biggest ferris wheels ever and I hate ferris wheels. I have nieces and nephews now that like hanging around me, I conquered more fears of heights and scary roller coaster rides. I am enjoying life in so many more ways than going out every friday night and/or saturday night and drinking within four walls with a bunch of strangers. I am enjoying my friends, I still get invited places and am included in get togethers with or without alcohol there, because they are just hanging out and playing yard games and laughing with each other without the intention of getting drunk. I have gone kayaking, I have gone tubing, I slept in a tent! I drove a golf cart! I enjoy wildlife and taking pictures of deer and bunnies! I saw my first moose! I took pictures in a silly photo booth at a carnival. I went to a state fair with carnival rides, crazy amount of food booths, and live animals, petting zoos and absolutely loved it!

This is just the beginning!!!!! Good things are still ahead for the two of us.

"Things will get better, you have too many other things to worry about..."
 "Remember there is only you, remember that"
"Things are happening for you, and if it all makes you happy, then you keep doing it..."

what if

smells of eggplant parm cooking in my mom's kitchen and it's all because of us. I love it. I love the invitations being sent out to people who are coming together because of us. I love us. So much going on and I still can't believe it's September! Our wedding is right around the corner!! Registries complete and being viewed by our families and friends, gathering and packing up wedding stuff so it's all ready for set up on the day of or day before our wedding, and more and more details being decided on and completed. All the while, we are going back and forth all day everyday with realtors, lawyers and mortgage brokers about a house that is for sale and contingent because we put in an offer and it was accepted, so let the negotiations begin. They have begun!!! It's nerve wracking and exciting, so exciting all at the same time. I know everyone is looking out for us and our best interest, but life is all about risks, and life is too short not to take this one. If it's meant to be, it will be, and god willing it will be. I am prepared either way, because quite honestly it hasn't even hit me that I was pre approved for a mortgage, let alone the bank telling me they are ready to go with the mortgage process and we are way closer to the final commitment letter than the pre approval process!!!!! It's an amazing feeling and I have learned a ton about houses and negotiating and finances than I have ever imagined. It's a waiting game, and I am trying hard to be patient, we both are trying to be patient. This was just an opportunity we couldn't pass up, and we are invested now, so why not keep going and see what happens.

If we live with all the what if's, where does that take us? how far does that get us? If there is something I learned (or reminded of again in a different way than death) and am still learning from having (re)met Missy, is that life is far too short to not do things we are passionate about or desire. I have always been a hard worker, and well this job I have now, don't get me wrong, way less stressful and just different from my last job, but this isn't my forever job, and we both know that; however, I can't help but give my 110% even if I am not getting overtime pay or health benefits. What is wrong with me? Does everyone have this kind of work ethic? Why stress out about stuff that I just can't get done in a day, all the extras I am asked to do? I need to stay focused on what is expected of me on a daily basis and that's that. It's a dog eat dog world out there, what does that even mean anyways? But it's true, I can still give this job my best work, but just do that my best, not above and beyond for what will be nothing in the long run. It doesn't grant my more money, more benefits or anything other than positive feedback and verbal praise, and unfortunately in this world, those things do not pay the bills, and I know this. I am and have always been a hard worker, but knowing what I know now about the system, people don't care what you did extra. You don't get anything from doing extra. Missy is screwed for lack of better terms, for the rest of her life, our life together,  at a pay that rarely inflates, crap healthcare, oh wait...healthcare for the elderly even though she's in her 30s, but because of her disability she has to have medicare which pays nothing for anything, all the while, the guy who just flew in on a flight who knows who paid for it, from sudan or nigeria or wherever in Africa has clothes on his back, a roof over his head and food at the table, and most likely some kind of health benefits a little better than that Missy is getting who has paid her debt to this wonderful country, but gets nothing. Fuel assistance? Food stamps? Masshealth insurance? Nope, nope and nope, sorry, you make too much money. Too much money? Are you kidding me. She hasn't worked since 2007 and can't work because of the daily pain she is in, and if she did work from home with her own schedule, she would lose the income she does get from being disabled, so tell me how that is fair.

Don't get me wrong, I understand being a woman, and especially a gay woman in another country outside of our own, we would be treated terribly worse and have so much freedom in the U.S that we often take for granted. You never really know how messed up "the system" quite is without living in it. How is it that other countries in the world have free health care, and free college education for all, when living in the U.S your entire life and paying your taxes gets you less benefits than those traveling over to the U.S for the "american dream." I am frustrated and could go on and on, not really sure how I ended up on this topic, but apparently needing to get it out somehow, someway.

Money money money. If we wait for everything to get better or to be better, we are just waiting for nothing. Waiting and wasting. I've never been more confident in my risk taking, and never been more in love and happy with my relationship and with myself. I have been sober for eight months! That is a huge accomplishment. I have money in my savings account!! I own my very first car, paying off at least 97% of it on my own, with the help of my parents, on a car loan that the financial guy at Toyota said was the largest car loan he's ever seen!! I am getting married!! I am still eating right and making healthier choices as a responsible adult, not always healthy but I try my best, without stressing about working out so hard a few times a week and seeing only a plateau in my results. Who cares if I don't work out every day, I love myself!!! I actually love myself!! Miss seems to think I am in love with myself, and I should be, we all should be, but I tell her it's all her fault. I feel so ridiculously comfortable in my own skin, in this healthy relationship that I am in. Yeah I'm not perfect, and either is she, but like a great man once said in a great movie,"You're not perfect, sport, and let me save you the suspense: this girl you've met, she's not perfect either. But the question is whether or not you're perfect for each other."

Integrity. Honesty. Alcoholism. Those were the topics this week at the meeting where I walked up to receive my eight month coin! My eight months... my mom actually called me up on the exact day, the 29th, to congratulate me. Funny thing is, Miss and I forgot it was that day, so caught up in other things, or maybe I am simply not thinking about it as much. Either way, it was a great feeling to receive my coin, and walk through the aisle of hands reached out to congratulate me. I felt like I was running through a screaming crowd at a homecoming football game or something like that. It was awesome! I never lied when I was drinking, I never hurt anyone, or so I thought. You never really see things clearly until you detach yourself from those things. I was hurting myself. I was hurting for a really long time. I was lying to myself about how crazy I got when I drank, how I drove home after a few drinks too many with and without friends in the passenger seats, I was fooling myself when I would withdraw money from my bank account knowing it was a negative balance, but whatever since the bank dispensed the money to me even though I didn't have any in there. I was numbing the pain, the hurt, the feelings and thoughts of ending up by myself for the rest of my life, for never being good enough for anyone to date, just to mess around with, for not thinking I was worthy of anything more than what I was getting, which was crap. I am worth it. I am so worth it.

The funny thing is, I think I "hurt" more people in my sobriety than I did when I was drinking, if that's at all possible. It's crazy to think that in doing things to better yourself, people question your honesty and your motives, rather than accepting me for who I am. Yeah, those times were fun, but what is fun when you feel like crap the next morning, what is fun when you cry yourself to sleep or pee your pants in your bed without even knowing it, what is fun when you get so drunk to just not feel anymore, what is fun when you force yourself to a few drinks at the bar by yourself while feeling like crap over a holiday break, but hey you're drinking orange juice with the vodka so maybe that will help with your cold...too bad that wasn't the case. Yes, we can't please everyone, and no, I don't want to treat others badly on purpose, but pleasing yourself should come first. It took me years to put myself first, and I am still learning how to take care of myself and love myself better each day, so does it stink when people I once cared for don't approve of my life choices and who I am today on this day in this present time, yes it stinks, but there is nothing I can do about it. I know I am being true to myself, taking care of myself and being good to me and the ones I love, and that is all I can do today. Only I know what I have done, how I felt before and how I feel today. I can only ask those who truly care and love me continue to accept me for me, love me, and love what I am doing with my life even though they may not agree 100%.

I would not be who I am, this strong willed,  determined, motivated and passionate woman without my parents, their love and unconditional support emotionally, physically and financially.

Cheers to us bebs, this is our time, our crazy journey together that I wouldn't have or want any other way. I love you FOSTAH!!!!!

hurt. gratitude. acceptance.

Gratitude: the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness. 

I am not an ungrateful person by any means, maybe I act ungrateful and whiney sometimes, but I know the struggle, now so first hand, that my parents endure and still do on a daily basis to make sure their three kids are taken care of and their basic needs met. I have a college education, a paid off car, a job, a paycheck every two weeks, a roof over my head even if it's not mine, food and clothes on my back. A lot of which millions of people don't have. 

We live in such a greedy society, of always wanting more and more or wanting what everyone else has and focusing on what we don't have rather than what we do have. I didn't share tonight but I took it all in and still wanted to be there. To be honest, a part of me didn't want to be there. I am angry. I am angry and hurt by many things that have happened to me the past few days and am having a hard time being grateful of what I have. I have all this happiness in my life right now, and I wish nothing more to share it with my parents and brothers and those I love so much, but I can't. They don't allow me to do just that, and haven't for years, but no one seems to see that but me. I want nothing more to hang out with my brothers again, laughing and talking, not fighting and yelling. I don't know how to talk to them, because they don't allow me to do so. Do I keep working myself up about this? No, but it makes me sad. It hurts, and I don't know how to make the hurt go away. I can't. I can only do what's best for me, and continue to live my life to the fullest before it's too late. 

One day at a time, one twenty-four hours at a time, one hour at a time, one moment to cherish because in an instant, it's gone.  

I'm making positive changes, and no one is telling me to do so, especially alcohol. 

I'm not wetting my pants in an unconsciousness drunken sleep in mixed company anymore; I'm not driving drunk or buzzed or whatever you call it, it's still drunk and I'm not driving drunk anymore; I'm not going out and spending tons of money on nothing more than alcohol, an addictive substance that made me not like myself very much nor the decisions I made or didn't make when drinking. 

Chapter five in "Living Sober" is titled "Live and let live," another famous cliche among A.A or just in general for that matter. So simply stated in words on paper, but how does one do this in real life? "People we met in A.A, they reacted to us, not with criticism and suspicion, but with understanding and concern." There are always going to be people who disagree with things I do or say, or maybe never understand it, but there are certain people who are supposed to love me no matter what, and I know they still do, I just wish they could show a little more excitement with positivity rather than negativity. They say in A.A to stay away from your playmates and playgrounds, and some people either get that or they don't. For example, if you have a gambling problem, you should probably stay away from the casinos. I'm not pushing people away, or simply shutting doors on friendships, I'm putting me first, yes, in the most non-selfish way possible, and I'm taking care of me and my self improvement. My mom saved me a segment once about a tv show host who quit drinking for a year just to try it and take better care of himself for whatever personal reasons, and he said "you learn a lot about yourself and who your friends are." And so be it. Those people came and were in your life for whatever the reason you needed each other at that point of your lives, but life keeps happening with or without certain people by your side. I'm not sure where I am trying to go with this, I mean I know what I'm trying to say but it just does not seem to be coming out right, or too wordy or whatever the case. How do you please everyone? You can't and you'll die trying, and for all the wrong reasons. 

I feel better about myself than I have in a real long time. I have a fiancé who shows nothing but love and respect and support to me on a daily basis. We have really good communication and have come a long way in the 10 months we have been together. Live is about living and I am finally living, freeing myself of decade long grudges, sadness and anger of lost friendships in my past and so forth. I am putting golf balls, riding and driving motorcycles, I am going to church because I want to not because I have to, I am sleeping in tents, I am going on scary rides, I am challenging myself to do better and be better on a daily basis, so why can't people see any of this happiness? I'm done living life explaining myself to everyone and anyone. I'm sick of comparing myself to others, or being jealous of what others have and I don't, that's no way to live. 

I am happy, I am truly happy and want nothing more to share that with my family. Depression is a terrible terrible thing, and I hate knowing that there is nothing I can do or say to help people who are so very much a part of me and my life. Being sober is about being present, it's about being present in your life and others who love you and want to share this life with you. Why can't they see that? Why can't they see the change in them like others can see? But it's not always about them, it's not always about other people, why can't it be about me? This is the happiest time in my life and I want to share it with those who reach out to me with the same enthusiasm and excitement I have in my heart. I'm done with the negativity, people putting my choices down, people putting my fiancé down, and all the hurt and mixed emotions that come with it. I'm angry, I'm sad and I don't want to be neither of those things anymore because I know just how happy I am, and how happy this time in my life is for me. 

This lady often speaks of being childlike, living like a child, in her sobriety and she's something like eighty five or so years old. Sobriety has opened her eyes to many things, but the one that sticks with me is when she often talks about being child-like, not in a childish, immature way, but rather in a fun loving playful way. Enjoy your days, go out and play, and play well with others like innocent children do. Go enjoy your motorcycles, sports, ice-cream, and friends. You are never too old to play, to enjoy life and make the most of it. It's time, it's my time. I need not worry about helping others, when they don't want to help themselves. I can't explain to them the beauty in this world, they must experience it on their own, when will they do so? when will they have had enough? when will they change when they don't need to change because they are so stuck in their own misery and hell? I can not worry about this and that, but it saddens me to know that I can't share my happiness with them. I can't even surround myself with them, their energy or lack of energy just brings me down, and I go to a place I have been many times before. I go to a place where I went many many nights of drinking by myself, or drinking with friends with only one goal in mind, to get so drunk that I didn't care what happened. Who was this girl? This was the same girl who was scared shitless of ever getting in trouble with the authorities or my parents for doing something wrong, but when I kept drinking, it didn't matter. Under the influence of whatever your cup of tea is, it doesn't matter what you may be scared of because you do things to hurt others and yourself sooner or later without even realizing it. People are hurting for you and with you and you haven't a clue, until you pull yourself up and realize that people don't live like you are living, people don't just throw away their lives, and days, and loved ones;  people don't live alone.  People say you enter and leave this world alone, but it wasn't meant to live alone. 

Three deep breaths can change your mood;

One day at a time;

Breath in the positivity and Breathe out the negativity. 

And maybe one day people will come around before it's just too late. 

Acceptance in those halls and meetings have been something I have been longing for, for years. I feel more accepted and cared for at those meetings than in my parent's home with my brothers and parents all present. Why do we hurt the ones we love? Why can't we help those who hurt so bad? Why can't people be happy for me, without any judgment or questions? 

surrender: to stop resisting

Surrender. The topic of last night's meeting...

SUR-REN-DER

: to agree, to stop fighting, hiding, resisting, etc., because you know that you will not win or succeed. 

: to give the control or use of (something) to someone else

: to allow something (such as a habit or desire) to influence or control you

Pretty self explanatory within the definition of the word. Something that controls you, it can be chocolate, running, exercising, drugs, and or alcohol among a bunch of other things. It could be anything really, the list is endless. When is that moment of surrendering? Is it the same day we become sober, or free of these controls? Not necessarily the same day, but perhaps it happens just soon before we realize that we have had enough. 

When is enough enough? When will you reach your rock bottom? 

Everyone's rock bottom is different as I have said in previous blogs. Until you have enough of that gut wrenching pain you won't stop, you just won't stop whatever it is that is controlling you. That thing  that has such great influence over you and your life's choices. Until you have had so much pain and hurt, and then some more pain, will you stop and surrender?

How do I surrender when people who love me most don't think I even have a drinking problem? How do I surrender when I'm not court ordered to do so or sentenced to a rehab or detox facility? How do I surrender when no one thinks I have to? "Maybe things just were getting out of hand and you need to slow down, or maybe in a few months you can have a few drinks or one or two here and there." And then there were those who spoke out to me after I had told them about quitting drinking and attending AA meetings, who were ever so thankful in hearing all that about me because my drinking made them nervous. Why hadn't they spoken out before?

Why didn't loved ones see I had a problem, and more importantly why did it take me so long to realize there was a serious problem. A serious problem that probably would have been more serious if there weren't those five years of taking care of other people too much, that I was too tired to drink, or go out and party and have a good time, because before and after those five years, I seemed to know how to go out and have a good time, or what I thought was a good time. A good time with alcohol, a good time with hiding my feelings, covering up my pain. If you follow this blog at all, you know the heartaches I have endured in my short time on this planet Earth. By the age of 22, I had lost a significant amount of people in my family to death, been part of two eulogies, lost friendships without closure and so forth...all of which are enough to make most people go crazy. I sure as heck went crazy with my alcohol at some point in time these past two years or so.  I went crazy enough to know that always joking about the possibility of becoming an alcoholic was just right in front of me, closer than ever. My dad and his dad were both alcoholics, and my dad's mom, always went to al-anon meetings for family members of alcoholics. 

They talked a lot about pain last night. Everyone in that room is so very different , comes from every walk of life possible and perhaps would not cross paths otherwise, but we all have a common denominator: a shared trait. Alcohol is ours, but for some it's drugs and whatever else. It's not necessarily the drinking or drugs that are the problem... It's you, it starts with you and will end with you; with us, and only ourselves. 

We drink or drug to hide our feelings and deal with life. Life is the problem and we need to learn better ways of dealing with it than those that harm ourselves, like drugs and alcohol do, or will end up doing if we don't put a stop to it. I'm fortunate enough to have never killed anyone while buzzed driving or probably drunk driving, and driving my friends home, not remembering I even did that the next mornings. Some people are just not social drinkers, or social smokers, some people actually get addicted to these things, because really everything can be addictive if you have that kind of personality. We can't help it, it's in our genes, it's the way we were built. What we can do, is do other things, find other things and ways of dealing with our feelings and life's crazy messes, heartaches, as well as the celebrations and happiness. To all of us in that room, the only way we know or maybe have ever known to deal with sadness and to celebrate happy times is with alcohol and/or drugs. 

How do I surrender without people's support? That's exactly it, you have to hit rock bottom on your own, so it makes sense to have to surrender on your own. When you surround yourself with people who do the same things you do, they are not going to be the ones to stop you or necessarily draw attention to your problems, but rather all talk and laugh the next day about not remembering what we did the night before, and/or passing out in their passenger seat of the car while they are driving you home. Nor is it their responsibility to take care of you or tell you that you have a problem with whatever it is. After all, it is the hardest to tell the ones we love how we care about them or may be concerned with them. Why would you want to potentially push the ones we love, have fun with and want in our lives away? Why would you want the possibility of them leaving your life, but then again, if you don't say something, that next drink, or drug could be their last. 

Yeah, my alcohol addiction wasn't as severe as most, but we can't compare ourselves, just like I have written lots about before. You compare you to you and only you. Everyone's rock bottom is different. If you are feeling sad, or hurt, or angry and push people away, don't want to be around anyone anymore...those may be a few signs you are having a problem. Why there is such a stigma on people with "problems" is beyond me, because we all have them!! 

Pain and love, there are so many forms of these two words. Pain could be self inflicting to make us feel better, or pain could be the knife in your back from your best friend, or sadness, anger and hurt. Love is tricky too. Love is not always kind and genuine. Love is supposed to be sweet and happy and all those good feelings inside. How do we have or show unconditional love, loving someone no matter what they do in their own lives, but supporting them, with no limitations or conditions, if we disagree with their life choices, or their lack of better life choices to get the help they need. Especially when people hurt you or make you feel badly about yourself, that is not what love is supposed to feel like. Love can be mistaken for many things in many different forms of relationships. Love can be misleading, unappreciated and being taken advantage of. 

Tough love: love or concern for another that is expressed in a strict way especially to make someone behave responsibly. In my case, I gave myself tough love. I can do this, I can make better life choices even against those who may not agree with me at first. Tough love can also be between us and those we love the most, even those we brought into this world. When people reach certain ages, we have laws that make them adults, and sometimes those laws get in the way of helping the ones who really need it but won't help themselves. So we just give give give, hoping that one day all our love will cure them, when really they need some real genuine unconditional tough love. 

Getting help on your own is hard enough, but why would you refuse help that is being handed to you. Why would you treat the people who love you the most the worst?  We can't help people if they don't want to help themselves. We can't help the people we love most, even if we are their mothers, fathers, or sisters. We just can't help anyone but ourselves, and that may be the most painful thing of all when we have people so close to us hurting so very badly. 

We can't enable either, because if people have no responsibilities, everything easily handed to them, why would they want to change? Why would people want to change their lives, make it harder even if that hardness is just a little while longer. In previous posts, I have mentioned going out and buying my dog, because I needed something to be responsible for, I needed something in my life to depend on me, and me not depend on them. 


I'm not an expert, I don't have all the answers, but there is one thing I do know for sure, and that is how great life is with sobriety. I don't have something in my life that is in control any longer. I don't wake up hungover, I'm not driving up to ATM's and withdrawing money from my account that I don't have to go meet people for drinks, and I am surely not waking up in my own urine soaked jeans hours later. 

 Some say the 24 hour to 29 day coin they hand out at the meetings is the most important coin and you only have to get it once. I don't have that coin, but I do have the 3, 4, 5, and 6 month coins. I only have to get those coins once too. Surrendering hurts, it's ugly and painful, as if you haven't had enough pain and ugly in your life, but we must do it. We must do it on our own, knowing that no matter what we have done in our pasts, we can always make amends. It's a much brighter side of things when you surrender. No one promised me it would be easy, no one promised me anything, but unconditional love and support. Life is so much better for me now that I am sober and making my own choices, rather than living with something making the choices for me. 

twelve promises

Last night.... Tuesday night and where else would we be at 6:30? I love going to meetings! Free therapy! Each week just seems to get better too so that's a plus! We went to eat before the meeting and instead of getting back on the bike, I just walked around the corner. So like every Tuesday night, the regulars are outside before the start smoking their butts or chitchatting, and a few were puzzled when they saw only miss get off the motorcycle! Haha..."wait you're not the one who needs it, but you're more than welcome to keep coming," he said, As he was looking around for me. Ha! So little by little we talk and chat and laugh before the meeting with others, it's nice!!

Sitting in our usual seats...he comes over to me and hands me the twelve promises he wants me to read (as someone is picked every week to read) at the end of the meeting, the guy I love hearing speak..well one of the guys I love hearing  speak who is chairing the meeting. Of course I'll read them. I'm blushing and sweating and smiling away at Miss sitting beside me!!! :-) 

The topic last night was fellowship, and to be honest not sure of the exact dictionary definition but it doesn't matter. It's about people uniting together for good causes, it's about people not judging one another and trying to help each other for the better, it's about support and trust and friendships! The people within these halls.

I spoke again! I spoke in the last ten minutes or so. I raised my hand to give my two sense for the second time!  And again I don't remember word for word but it felt awesome!!! I spoke about the past three months being in these meetings...and being sober the last six months, it hasn't been easy especially in the beginning but since these meetings and the no judgements I have been slowly feeling that much better! I spoke with more ease and confidence, only getting choked up once this time!  Haa. Someone said it before at a meeting, that people within these halls are the normal ones. And how true is that. Every day struggles and life hopes and dreams and problems and heartaches. I continued to say...how great would it be if everyone came to these meetings. I've been in counseling for years and this is just different! It's awesome and I don't have a 20 dollar copay! Even better! But just appreciated the people in the halls and the welcoming you get every single time. I have never been ashamed of going to therapy or afraid to say it and I'm not afraid to say I go to aa meetings because I do tell people that so yeah that's about all that was. It felt good! 

At the end of the meeting, people were gathered around outside and we stopped to talk to a guy who was just up in Maine for vacation. So naturally, Miss had to stop and chat but I'm glad she did because no sooner did the chairperson tonight come out and find me. He said "Lianne  I'm glad you're still here because I wanted to tell you that if you don't see that you've come a long way in the three months you've been here then we sure have seen it!!" It felt awesome and my eyes instantly watered. I love what he has to say every time he shares so coming from him was a greater compliment. He said one suggestion though, get rid of the word only. It's not only three months or only six months! There is no such word! 

One day at a time!  :-)

"IT IS AWESOME"

I don't even know where to begin… Life has been really good this past week and a half, almost two weeks. Vacation at the beach house with friends and family, it was tough playing mini-Robin (my mother…the beach house hostess with the mostess, except she wasn't there, it was me and Miss doing the entertaining and hosting, and I loved every second of it!!) for about a week. It was an emotional time for me, when hasn't it been an emotional time for me these past eight, almost nine months since Miss has entered my life again, but just because it's emotional, doesn't mean it's a bad thing. 

The beginning of this past week would have been my Sittoo's (arabic for grandmother, since we are Lebanese) 85th birthday! That means she has been gone for ten years this August 29th! So hard to believe, where does the time go, what have I been through, what have we been through without her part of our family? The end of the week was a celebration of Life Memorial for Miss' grandfather who passed away this February while we were visiting her parents, uncle and Nana down in Myrtle Beach. The room was filled with laughter, hugs, smiles, and sweet sounds of 50s and 60s music in the background that Miss put to a video of pictures throughout years and years of his lifetime. It was bittersweet. 

We had taken a walk down the beach the night before the family memorial gathering, at sunset, just Miss and I and it was perfect. It was the perfect night for dancing on the beach to our future wedding song as she played it on her iPhone, my eyes never left hers. Tears rolled down my face for the anticipation for the memorial, and heartache she must feel but hardly explains to me, nor does she really have to because I have been through so much loss myself, but I am always here to listen and hold her. Tears for my own sweet sorrow and loss as well, because with time it only hurts a little less. All good things must come to an end, and so we were ever so grateful for the week we had to share with such great friends and family, and we really started twining them together like an ivy plant growing and twisting around a tree or a stick you put in the plant to keep it upright. Our families and friends are becoming one in our lives and it's a pretty great feeling. 

The only thing missing from that week were my brothers and the opportunities for them to bond and get to know her family as we will become one family very soon this December. I have to remember that they are at different places in their lives, and as much as it hurts, I can't dwell and dwell over something I can't change. They know I care about them greatly and wish them help and peace in their present days; however, I am not one to change anyone but myself. We come from different paths and families, Miss and I, and with that conversation came some realizations and facts that my family is just younger than hers, and when you have children like all her siblings do, you grow up a little faster, you have different responsibilities, and little people depend on you.  Eventually you have to take care of yourself in order to take care of little ones who know no other way than to be taken care of by their parents. So maybe someday, maybe someday before they have little ones of their own, they will do whatever they need to grow up, and realize that today is truly a gift, one must live it to the fullest, surround yourself with those you love and things you love doing, because someday, somehow, you will look around, and it will all be gone. 

"Compare me to me" was said at the meeting tonight. It's these little sayings, the littlest things, the most simple things, and your life will be wonderfilled, as she said when she signed my first AA book two weeks ago. Simply wonderful. I have been going to AA meetings for exactly 3 months, and today I earned my 6 month coin!!! But let's back up to before the meeting even started…Miss and I were greeted in the front of the church with hugs and smiles and conversation about life, work and children. We missed last weeks meeting while beaching it, but it was definitely thought about by both of us. I love her support, I love how she also loves the meetings. It felt great tonight. It felt great to see everyone again, and it had only been a week. The familiar faces, the laughter that I just can't describe until you've heard it yourself, the judgment left at the door, and the embraces, handshakes and hello agains. I stood up big and tall today as I walked down an aisle of seats to go earn my 6 month coin, a shiny blue that resembles the color of our bridesmaid dresses!! More hugs, and handshakes on the way back to my seat. For this was the first time, I didn't go back and sit quietly, the smile on my face spoke more than words could say for this accomplishment. I knew I had to speak tonight or I would regret it. Just the other day, my old boss mentioned to me how impressed she was with my sobriety!

As I sat in my chair tonight, the same two seats we have been sitting in since April 1st, I couldn't stop smiling first off, and secondly, I gathered my thoughts as the chairperson was talking about life after sobriety and beginners and all the hard stuff in the beginning being so worth it if you truly take one day at a time. What was I going to talk about in such a short blurb? What if I say too much, or too little? Do I have to explain my background and why and how I got here? A few people spoke…and with my eyes on the clock, my ears wide open, and my mind racing with thoughts I could put together if and when I was actually called on to speak, there it was. He called my name to speak. I heard my name, but it took me a second since all that I had in my head seemed to just disappear. 

So I started, "Hi my name is Lianne, and I'm an alcoholic." The echo of everyone, "Hi Lianne." And so there it was, the moment I had been waiting for, all eyes on me. Right away I apologized for how emotional I was and would be, haha, no surprise there for those reading who know me at all!! I've had bigger audiences than this before, at dance recitals year after years, and just last year under the beaming hot lights on stage for national coming out day at clark university this past october, but this…this was different, not sure how, but it just was, perhaps because it's still fairly fresh, fresh in my heart, mind and everyday life. That's just it, it's been six months, but not an easy six months. Life isn't easy though, so just talk about it, everyone is listening. All eyes and ears on me. You would think I would remember exactly what I said, but I just remember bits and pieces and I'll always remember how I felt. I felt deserving, so deserving of my seat in these meetings, these small church halls filled with so much support and hope and genuine kindness. 

Staying on topic, I spoke about my life thus far, life after booze. It was December 29, and I just didn't have a drink that day, nothing ever said about me quitting. December 29, turned into not drinking december 30, and so on, and since Miss doesn't drink, not drinking on New Years Eve was no big deal either. It was a rough few months, I was miserable and just having a hard time, without getting into much detail, I explained work and friends. I worked with some of the best people, but you take alcohol out of the equation and what did we have left. I found myself miserable and irritated, quite honestly not knowing why. But there was a common theme still even without drinking, and that was everyone I worked with who I had partied with very frequently were still talking about their drinking weekends and plans, and it just wasn't the same. I tried being the same and setting up "book clubs" with old coworkers and new to get together after work, but for whatever reasons it just didn't work out, which I'm not sure how I felt about it then, but maybe it was for the best. I have heard at recent meetings, and typed it in previous blogs, that we must stay away from our playmates and playground, and although I didn't drink at work, I drank many many nights and weekends with those I worked with, feeling hurt and miserable by lack of communication and comments of me drinking water, or so forth, I needed to do something about it sooner or later because it just wasn't fair to the kids I worked with, the coworkers or myself if I would continue this misery during the week but I would be having a blast on the weekends. 

Change is hard, I said, as I choked up. No one wants to change, but like I said things change, and in six months, I have seen a lot of change. So I'm not sure how I ended up here in these meetings, but ironically my first meeting was April Fools Day, and I have gone to other meetings since as well, but it's these tuesday night meetings I find I am most comfortable, and supported. I have since changed jobs, and although the pay may be a little less or equal to, my mental health is far more important at this time in my life. Putting yourself first isn't easy, but it's the necessary thing to do for any kind of happiness and sobriety in life. "Thanks Lianne," and it was break time. I couldn't stop smiling or sweating while I remained seated near Miss, as she put her arm around me and said she was so proud of me. A guy came over to me, who I hadn't spoken with before but see frequently at these meetings, and he shook my hand, reassured me that the guilt and resentment will go away, and one can't worry about what other people say or think, you are being true to yourself and that's all that matters. He said it in a very loving grizzly bear kind of grandfather way, a little more grizzly on the outside but a softy on the inside I'm sure. Another guy who had high-fived me after my coin, said congratulations again. After break the meeting continued, and a few people who spoke made references to me and what I had said, it felt amazing!! As if the night couldn't get any better…we ended the night as always with the raffle and a prayer holding hands in a circle. The raffle was called and it was ME!!!!!! I WON THE RAFFLE!!!! The last three digits were 075… the 5!!!!!!!! That's our number. and today's date, 7/1….7-1=6…6 months sober!!!!!!! 

Craziness. As if I couldn't smile anymore. We joined hands, with my raffle ticket and coin in my hand still, then I proceeded to pick up some chairs to put away as always, when the person chairing, came over to me with the book I had won, titled Living Sober. He asked me if I had this book, when I said no, he said ok good. It's a great book and what you were talking about tonight about friendships and hardships you go through to get sober, it's a simple easy read and just filled with really good stuff. He said good to see you girls tonight and as we headed to the door, another guy, who I haven't seen before also told me, "it was good to hear ya tonight." 

It was good to talk tonight, it was a great talk, a great night.