hurt. gratitude. acceptance.

Gratitude: the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness. 

I am not an ungrateful person by any means, maybe I act ungrateful and whiney sometimes, but I know the struggle, now so first hand, that my parents endure and still do on a daily basis to make sure their three kids are taken care of and their basic needs met. I have a college education, a paid off car, a job, a paycheck every two weeks, a roof over my head even if it's not mine, food and clothes on my back. A lot of which millions of people don't have. 

We live in such a greedy society, of always wanting more and more or wanting what everyone else has and focusing on what we don't have rather than what we do have. I didn't share tonight but I took it all in and still wanted to be there. To be honest, a part of me didn't want to be there. I am angry. I am angry and hurt by many things that have happened to me the past few days and am having a hard time being grateful of what I have. I have all this happiness in my life right now, and I wish nothing more to share it with my parents and brothers and those I love so much, but I can't. They don't allow me to do just that, and haven't for years, but no one seems to see that but me. I want nothing more to hang out with my brothers again, laughing and talking, not fighting and yelling. I don't know how to talk to them, because they don't allow me to do so. Do I keep working myself up about this? No, but it makes me sad. It hurts, and I don't know how to make the hurt go away. I can't. I can only do what's best for me, and continue to live my life to the fullest before it's too late. 

One day at a time, one twenty-four hours at a time, one hour at a time, one moment to cherish because in an instant, it's gone.  

I'm making positive changes, and no one is telling me to do so, especially alcohol. 

I'm not wetting my pants in an unconsciousness drunken sleep in mixed company anymore; I'm not driving drunk or buzzed or whatever you call it, it's still drunk and I'm not driving drunk anymore; I'm not going out and spending tons of money on nothing more than alcohol, an addictive substance that made me not like myself very much nor the decisions I made or didn't make when drinking. 

Chapter five in "Living Sober" is titled "Live and let live," another famous cliche among A.A or just in general for that matter. So simply stated in words on paper, but how does one do this in real life? "People we met in A.A, they reacted to us, not with criticism and suspicion, but with understanding and concern." There are always going to be people who disagree with things I do or say, or maybe never understand it, but there are certain people who are supposed to love me no matter what, and I know they still do, I just wish they could show a little more excitement with positivity rather than negativity. They say in A.A to stay away from your playmates and playgrounds, and some people either get that or they don't. For example, if you have a gambling problem, you should probably stay away from the casinos. I'm not pushing people away, or simply shutting doors on friendships, I'm putting me first, yes, in the most non-selfish way possible, and I'm taking care of me and my self improvement. My mom saved me a segment once about a tv show host who quit drinking for a year just to try it and take better care of himself for whatever personal reasons, and he said "you learn a lot about yourself and who your friends are." And so be it. Those people came and were in your life for whatever the reason you needed each other at that point of your lives, but life keeps happening with or without certain people by your side. I'm not sure where I am trying to go with this, I mean I know what I'm trying to say but it just does not seem to be coming out right, or too wordy or whatever the case. How do you please everyone? You can't and you'll die trying, and for all the wrong reasons. 

I feel better about myself than I have in a real long time. I have a fiancé who shows nothing but love and respect and support to me on a daily basis. We have really good communication and have come a long way in the 10 months we have been together. Live is about living and I am finally living, freeing myself of decade long grudges, sadness and anger of lost friendships in my past and so forth. I am putting golf balls, riding and driving motorcycles, I am going to church because I want to not because I have to, I am sleeping in tents, I am going on scary rides, I am challenging myself to do better and be better on a daily basis, so why can't people see any of this happiness? I'm done living life explaining myself to everyone and anyone. I'm sick of comparing myself to others, or being jealous of what others have and I don't, that's no way to live. 

I am happy, I am truly happy and want nothing more to share that with my family. Depression is a terrible terrible thing, and I hate knowing that there is nothing I can do or say to help people who are so very much a part of me and my life. Being sober is about being present, it's about being present in your life and others who love you and want to share this life with you. Why can't they see that? Why can't they see the change in them like others can see? But it's not always about them, it's not always about other people, why can't it be about me? This is the happiest time in my life and I want to share it with those who reach out to me with the same enthusiasm and excitement I have in my heart. I'm done with the negativity, people putting my choices down, people putting my fiancé down, and all the hurt and mixed emotions that come with it. I'm angry, I'm sad and I don't want to be neither of those things anymore because I know just how happy I am, and how happy this time in my life is for me. 

This lady often speaks of being childlike, living like a child, in her sobriety and she's something like eighty five or so years old. Sobriety has opened her eyes to many things, but the one that sticks with me is when she often talks about being child-like, not in a childish, immature way, but rather in a fun loving playful way. Enjoy your days, go out and play, and play well with others like innocent children do. Go enjoy your motorcycles, sports, ice-cream, and friends. You are never too old to play, to enjoy life and make the most of it. It's time, it's my time. I need not worry about helping others, when they don't want to help themselves. I can't explain to them the beauty in this world, they must experience it on their own, when will they do so? when will they have had enough? when will they change when they don't need to change because they are so stuck in their own misery and hell? I can not worry about this and that, but it saddens me to know that I can't share my happiness with them. I can't even surround myself with them, their energy or lack of energy just brings me down, and I go to a place I have been many times before. I go to a place where I went many many nights of drinking by myself, or drinking with friends with only one goal in mind, to get so drunk that I didn't care what happened. Who was this girl? This was the same girl who was scared shitless of ever getting in trouble with the authorities or my parents for doing something wrong, but when I kept drinking, it didn't matter. Under the influence of whatever your cup of tea is, it doesn't matter what you may be scared of because you do things to hurt others and yourself sooner or later without even realizing it. People are hurting for you and with you and you haven't a clue, until you pull yourself up and realize that people don't live like you are living, people don't just throw away their lives, and days, and loved ones;  people don't live alone.  People say you enter and leave this world alone, but it wasn't meant to live alone. 

Three deep breaths can change your mood;

One day at a time;

Breath in the positivity and Breathe out the negativity. 

And maybe one day people will come around before it's just too late. 

Acceptance in those halls and meetings have been something I have been longing for, for years. I feel more accepted and cared for at those meetings than in my parent's home with my brothers and parents all present. Why do we hurt the ones we love? Why can't we help those who hurt so bad? Why can't people be happy for me, without any judgment or questions?