If it makes you happy...

I cried last night in AA. I was completely vulnerable. The topic was confusion. Confusing things when you first started coming to AA. I talked about how confusing it is that I'd rather be at a meeting than at my parents house. That is confusing to me. I talked about how my relationship with my mom is different yet other family members were glad I stopped drinking with no questions. Also confused about that, and why they didn't reach out when I was drinking. Drinking or not drinking is not the problem, it was my medicine. It made me numb to things I didn't want to feel. I didn't want to think I'd be alone forever or that I had already had many failed relationships and after seven years of living on my own, out from underneath my parents roof, that is where I found myself. Until this past year or so, but still sort of under my parents roof, just the one they don't live under but still own. I am in the process of buying a house with my fiancé, in the process of getting married, planning my honeymoon, enjoying my bachelorette and bridal shower weekend! This is the happiest time of my life so why am I crying.

I am sick of feeling like I need to explain myself. I am frustrated with the way I feel when I walk in my parents house, the atmosphere or something in the air, and suddenly my mood changes. I don't get it. I was so happy the whole way there yesterday!

People spoke after me, after my first emotional breakdown at AA last night. This lady spoke to me pretty much when she spoke about families and her relationships with her family. "Family and loved ones should be happy and excited that you are not drinking anymore, at least that's what they say, but not everyone may be as excited as you are that you have stopped drinking...this one family member didn't get it for the longest time and was sad and upset, and she didn't have her drinking buddy anymore...hang in there, it will get better. Your relationships will be different but that doesn't mean they will be worse, it just takes time for people to see."

Everything happened all at once. I started dating Miss and then we got engaged, I stopped drinking, I changed my job, We are looking at houses and in the process of hopefully closing on a house...Things are happening for us! Things are looking up for me...I no longer wake up hung over and forget my nights of so called fun for me, I drank to get drunk, how is that fun? I no longer take naps for no reason, I no longer sit at home by myself waiting for friends to call or drink by myself.

My life may be busy and changing, and in that time of change things are exciting.
No one is changing me, no one forced me to AA, it was my decision. And that fact that some "friends" even questioned that to me makes me so hurt. There is nothing wrong with me and not drinking. I didn't lose all my friends, so obviously I am not the problem. And people said it last night in AA, and my therapist said it months ago, people you used to drink with may feel more uncomfortable than you with you not drinking anymore.

I am LOVING my life! All the things I have done in the past year...it blows my mind!
I have ridden and even drove a motorcycle and I love going for rides on the bike!! I have searched for houses and found one and am taking a risk, cause that's what you do, there isn't going to be the perfect house, but we will make it perfect for us, if I don't try, I will never know. I have been in my best friends wedding, the only wedding I have ever been in and I was maid of honor!! People are gathering this weekend for us, because we are getting married! I'm getting married this year! I had a weeks vacation with family and friends and we hosted, it was awesome! I rode in a helicopter, I rode on one of the biggest ferris wheels ever and I hate ferris wheels. I have nieces and nephews now that like hanging around me, I conquered more fears of heights and scary roller coaster rides. I am enjoying life in so many more ways than going out every friday night and/or saturday night and drinking within four walls with a bunch of strangers. I am enjoying my friends, I still get invited places and am included in get togethers with or without alcohol there, because they are just hanging out and playing yard games and laughing with each other without the intention of getting drunk. I have gone kayaking, I have gone tubing, I slept in a tent! I drove a golf cart! I enjoy wildlife and taking pictures of deer and bunnies! I saw my first moose! I took pictures in a silly photo booth at a carnival. I went to a state fair with carnival rides, crazy amount of food booths, and live animals, petting zoos and absolutely loved it!

This is just the beginning!!!!! Good things are still ahead for the two of us.

"Things will get better, you have too many other things to worry about..."
 "Remember there is only you, remember that"
"Things are happening for you, and if it all makes you happy, then you keep doing it..."