Russell. The boy. My snuggle bunny. My Russ Buss. My Bubs.

My Russ Buss Baby Boy has left this beautiful crazy world in which we live. My heart is aching so badly. I loved and still love him so very much, more than I ever thought possible, loving a dog so much, so badly. Ten years of so much love, compassion, cuddles, snuggles and kisses. It's funny how things come full circle. I got him at just two months old in a puppy kennel in Charlton, Ma. Last night, I brought him to a vet (not his usual vet) in Charlton that treated him so gently and kindly. I got Russell on a Wednesday, and he laid to rest on a Wednesday, 6 days shy of exactly ten years. It was a rainy wednesday when I went to go pick up that shy runt of the litter; ten years later, it was the most beautiful sunny day. I like to believe that it's a reflection on my time with him. 

I got him ten years ago because I couldn't stand people anymore. My friend Mary at the time, had a dog and I was like why not, let's go get me a dog. People know that if I want to do something, I'll do it, and that's exactly what I did. He was born for me...to comfort me, save me and love me like crazy at all the right times in my life. It was me and him for a really long time. Bittersweet... that rainy day turned into ten years of pure puppy love. ⅓ of my life, and 1-3 was his birthdate! The most beautiful sunny day yesterday where he spent most all of the day on his spot on the front porch of his "retirement home," laying on his favorite cushion and brown blanket with his squirrel and some other fabric chewies he loved, walking around freely in the front fenced in yard, his yard, laying in the grass, sunbathing one last time which he loved to do. 

Last night, I took Russell for his last few short walks, last car ride, last steak and peanut butter and chex mix dinner...he laid to rest peacefully and pain free. I held him in my arms til the sleepy meds kicked in and they kicked in fast. He snuggled with me one last time as his little tongue stuck out and his drool soaked my pink t-shirt sleeve. I kept rubbing his belly, petting his soft curly white fur, telling him how much I loved him, telling him he was the best boy, and thanked him for loving me so much. 

He had been having body shakes and tremors for awhile now, even just when he went out to pee, he shook like crazy some days. He lost most all of his hair on his back, (I kept his sweater on him last night to keep him as comfortable as possible, as he laid on the brown blanket I brought with us too), he would lick himself in different parts of his body til the skin was so raw. He had dealt with skin scabs and issues for years, so much that I changed his diet to grain free and would only give him chex mix as snacks, which he loved! There was nothing anyone could do, no vet could do either besides keep him on expensive medicines for who knows how much longer. He had to have been so itchy and uncomfortable some days, he even peed his bed a few times. I couldn't have him suffer. It was something I had been thinking about and dealing with in my own way for a couple of weeks now. It was time to let me best dog in the world go run free forever. 

I just have to remember that he had a great life, endless walks, bunny and squirrel chases, attempts to go swimming in the lake at his first home, beach house vacations in Maine, endless car rides breathing in the fresh air with his nose pressed up against the open window, treats, and lots of love around him. 

This morning was like no other, such an empty feeling of not seeing him in his room laying all curled up in his bed with the blanket hanging off cause he circled and circled around pushing the blanket around with his cute little paws, doing the side swipe I loved watching him do to get comfortable. His head didn't pop up this morning to look at me once he heard me get up out of bed. He wasn't there but I looked anyways. I sat out on the front steps, opening the front door except he wasn't there to follow me out. I bawled my eyes out and talked to Nonna up there in heaven with my Russell. I told her to take care of him, love him like I know she loved her puppies, and feed him anything she want out of her pink backpack like she always had at the beach in the Cape with her so she could feed Bella and Sam left over dinners of seafood or whatever else she had. I know she'll love him like crazy for me. 

I have had a lot of loss, I told the vet last night, but nothing quite like this, as I held my hopeless sweet bubs in my arms. The vet said, of course you haven't, he relied on you and depended on you to take care of him and love him. He helped me get him up onto his brown blanket one last time as he injected this pink medicine into his body, checked his heart beat as I kept rubbing him with my head on his head telling him so badly how much I love him. Mama loves you so much Russell. The vet said his heartbeat was gone. I heard the words but it wasn't real, and looked up at him with tearful eyes saying, he's gone? He said a quiet yes and left me in the room to continue to say goodbye to my baby boy. I reached in one of the drawers and cut off some of his curly white soft fur and wrapped it up to keep in my purse. No heart beat but so warm still. I have never witnessed anything like it, never witnessed death til the very very end. 

I know he knows how much I loved him, and he loved me so very much. He had such a great life, and I loved being his mama every single day. This morning as I turned back home from attempting to go to work this morning, but rather taking a much needed personal day, I took his leftover Chex mix treats and drove the walk we did together around the lake, dumping out chex mix all along the way. After I ate some this morning in his honor. I'm not getting his ashes back, but that's ok. I am getting his paw print from the vet in the mail, and can not wait for that! I have decided to make my own memorial to him. I am going to buy a big blue planter and fill it with some fake beautiful flowers, a painted rock with his name in white paint and his paw print. It will go in the right corner of the yard where he loved to go pee and poop. Oh the boy, my Russ buss, how I love and miss you so much. There are no words for the way I feel. I am very grateful I have so much love and support and of course pictures and videos to reflect on. 

He had been in my life for so many different things and obstacles, he was always there when I needed him. He helped me in so many different ways. 

"I know how hard it is to have to say goodbye to someone who saved your life, showed you what unconditional love is, who never got mad at you and was the best friend you could ever have! You're heart will be sad for a long time. But in time the thoughts that make you sad will turn to ones that make you smile."

"It's like he wanted to make sure you were happy in your life before he had to go..." 

"And he'll always be a part of you, watching over you, and loving you for making that decision for him so he would be comforted. He had a great life of walks, playing at the beach, jumping around the yard, and loving you..."

"such a sweet beautiful boy"

"He was a good boy and you were an even better mommy"

I saw a license plate today that said 1MA 136... 136 is his birthday. I was first a mama to him, it was like he was letting me know he was ok. 

Hopefully some day real soon I will be a mama to a two legged love. 

Rest peacefully My Russ Buss. 

Mama loves you so very much. 

1.3.06 - 3.9.16

Missy Monday's married style!

On this edition of Missy Monday's... It is Tuesday haha...but oh well.

A month today... And the countup, not countdown continues :-) Our first month of marriage today! And although we would prefer to still be in Florida on our amazing honeymoon, since our heat isn't working out the best way possible right now, it's been quite the month! Quite the short 15 months we have been together, in the big scheme of life! She is my bestfriend, my motivator, my partner, my support, my love!! 

There is no one I would rather spend these adventures with, whether it be dangling from a zipline as you record me, boot camping it in downpouring rain while putting our shed together, or trudging up in the attic!! 

I am so excited to see what month two may bring! One day at a time as you remind me daily and help me and mostly my mind continue to grasp that concept! 

I find peace in your touch, strength in your struggle, happiness in your hugs, and love in your kisses! 

Cheers to more cribbage games, the gas heater hopefully costing us way less money when we finally get to use it, and other every day adventures with you next month!!!!! 

Short and sweet just like us!

I love you Goysband!!!!! 

Love is what keeps us going...

14 years ago this very week, we laid you to rest, and our lives were changed forever. The day we laid you to rest, still in shock you were really gone, was Tuesday January 16th, 2001. Weird that this year, this week, it was the day you died, tuesday the 13th.

You courageously stopped fighting your battle with breast cancer on Tuesday January 13, 2001, at a young age of 51 years old, just three months shy to the day of what would have been your 52nd birthday! I was just a baby, barely 18 years old and starting my second semester of college. You were just a baby yourself, 51 is so young!

 I should have been back to college already the weekend you passed, and on January 16th, the day of your burial services, would have been the first night of my Psychology Death and Dying class, which obviously I missed, and headed back to school later in the week. So weird, the way the universe works. Really? great timing for my death and dying class!! Thank goodness it was only one night a week; it was a rough one as any one could have imagined! I got by with the help of my friend Ryan who was in the class and also lived down the hall from me. I had many other support systems while away from my family, which I am very thankful. Who knew your passing would mark the beginning of our family's nightmares and losses for the next seven years... hitting us hard with too many too soon in just a short four years, and then taking your husband, my uncle, away from us in 2007. With every ending, there are many beginnings...your girls got married, started having children, other cousins were getting married, photos were being taken, moments treasured, people and relationships changing. We all deal with death in our own ways, no way being right or wrong. Regardless of how we dealt with all the loss around us individually, I think it brought us closer together as an extended family, even if it was just for a few short years.

January 13, 2007... six years after your passing, I got my first tattoo, in your honor. I have a way of doing things and putting a spin on it, so my family will approve I guess or I think anyways!! (like naming my dog Russell after my Sittoo! haha) I dragged my little brother to come with me for support. It was so freshly done, still covered with a bandage for the memorial service at the church for you. I remember it like it was yesterday... I was showing it off after church, at auntie's house where we had a brunch get together. My mom thought, "it's bigger than I thought, but I like it!" It was just perfect. A red ladybug with a halo over it and on my right shoulder, always looking out for me.

Lady bugs mean different things to many people, some consider them a nousance when their house is invested, others think of them as a blessing, and when you see them not in their usual seasons, maybe a lost loved one. I've told the story time and time again, we all have. My aunt in North Carolina saw a couple of lady bugs about a year after, or maybe it was a month after, her sister's passing and thought it was her and her dad, who she lost at nine years old. That's all it took, then a few of us up here in New England saw them slowly throughout our homes... random ones, by themselves. We were hooked, and you will find many different lady bug figurines, ceramics, towels, candles and whatnot in all of our homes. Whatever it may be that helps you get through your tough times, ours are ladybugs!

Ladybug showing up in ones life foretells a time of luck and protection.Seen often as a messenger of promise, the ladybug reconnects us with the joy of living. Fear and joy can not co-exist. We need to release our fears and return to love  - this is one of the messages that the ladybug brings to us. Ladybug teaches us how to restore our trust and faith in the great spirit.   When the ladybug appears, it is telling us to get out of our own way and allow the great spirit to enter into our lives. The ladybug is also one of the few beetles that are well liked by humans. Unlike other beetles, the ladybug brings a feeling of joy to us. Its small size signifies a delicate and loving nature. It portrays the energy of harmlessness and can show us how to stop self harm.

Fourteen years... fourteen years is a long time, a year is a long time, 30 seconds is a long time some days!! I was SUCH a baby, 18 years old, and looking back now, not sure what I was doing, who I was becoming...just trying to find my way, ANY way really, like a typical 18 year old in her first year of college, I'd like to think. what happened in the later years well I'm not too sure. I've always said, some people do drugs, some people further their education/degrees, some people look for love in all the wrong places. But as I also always say, what's done is done and we learn and grow from our past mistakes. I also wouldn't be the person I am today having not grown stronger from those experiences!

As I was driving to work this morning, the sky had such a quiet wintery cold feeling to it. However, the bright band of yellow brushed the sky where the sun was coming up over the lake on the mass pike! You couldn't see the sun, but by the bold yellow color lighting up that part of the sky, you knew the sun was there! I immediately thought of you and maybe you were with me in that very moment, somewhere i couldn't see you, but your presence was beaming over us in that beautiful yellow coloring above. It was a picture I wise I could have captured. 

There is never a day that goes by when I don't wish you, among all the others I have lost, were here. My high school graduation party at your house and Thanksgiving... a couple of the very last family celebrations you shared with us. Such a long long time ago!!! A lot has happened in fourteen years! A lot has happened in a year! Life is far too precious to not do what you love and love who you love. The only constant thing in life is change, and the only guarantee in life is death... So it may have taken me fourteen years to get here, but I'm here! I found someone who wants to spend the rest of their life with me no matter how short or long that may be; no matter how tough or easy that may be; no matter what through sickness and health, just like your husband did for you!  I'm happy I never gave up the fight! I never gave up this crazy fight we call life. It beats the alternative, right??. The scary unknown... The otherside... The heaven that everyone wants to go to but they are too afraid of dying!!!  I'm happy that no matter how bad it was, I kept on going!  You have to put up with the rain to see the rainbows!!  

If I have learned anything this past year, these past fourteen years... is that I am stronger than I ever given myself credit for, I am worthy of love, happiness and great things /people that come my way, and to keep it simple! We are not promised tomorrows so make todays count! 

          "Do you love her?" "Yes!" "Does she make you happy?" "Yes!!" "Then what else is there?"

                                            

Missy Mondays are back.. Married editions :)

on this edition of Missy Monday... we are MARRIED!!!!! incase you didn't get the memo on any other social media network/website, or my last post about our wedding, hahaha. Today was a good day! A happy Monday. I didn't let anyone get to me at work, quite frankly, I've just been doing my work and minding my own. Today is 12 day! the 12th of January or also known as 13 months since Miss asked me to marry her!!!!! And I of course said YES! (Sorry Carmen, but there will always be countdowns or count reversals to something! hhaha.)

This past weekend was just a really, relaxing, fun, low-key weekend and it felt great!! The first weekend in our home married, enjoying each other and just being in our home! We own a home and we are married!!! It's still so surreal sometimes!! A year can bring such wonderful things you weren't even looking for, which makes them a zillion times better!!!!! Good things do happen to good people, you just can't go looking for it all the time, or it will drive you nuts! Love just happens, Life happens and my life is AMAZING!! 

It's cold, snowy, rainy, and colder than it has to be since electric heat is ridiculously priced, we are winging it with our little space heaters until our gas heater arrives. The old Lianne would be so negative or worrisome about every little thing, but I am so loving this country life! We even played some cribbage this weekend with the patriots cribbage board I bought and gave to her on our wedding day! Best out of three, she won, but I did win the first game, beginners luck, but I did have a big 17 move in one of my turns!! Oh yeah. haha. It's the little things like this weekend that make life worth it. It's playing cribbage, going to church (being put on the spot by your pastor announcing to people gathering for coffee hour that we have newlyweds in the house, it was sweet), going shopping, coming home and eating dinner at home, packing up your lunch for work the next day, taking vitamins...etc. Life is so good. 

It's also about accomplishing some really big personal goals. Being sober for 365+ days! A week ago tomorrow, I received my first year coin/chip!!! A huge accomplishment, I never thought about doing, ever. It is something I needed to do and I did. I am doing it every day, choosing to make the best choices for me, despite the social pressures in the world to drink! You change your playmates and playgrounds, and you start hanging around the people who share similar interests. The people with crazier drinking stories than you, but who are some of the most normal people you have ever met. People you look forward to being around, people who are knowledgable about home improvement tasks, people who genuinely care about your best interests and wanting to help you improve your life, etc.  Miss drove me to work last week on coin day, and she kept a secret from me, but it was awesome. The two of us went to the meeting, and saw everyone after having not been there for a couple weeks because of our honeymoon. They welcomed us back with open arms of course. Smiles and happiness, and surprises when my brother walked in the room!! My brother, my parents, and a cake that said "Congratulations Lianne" in purple icing, buttercream frosting and rainbow colored circles around the top of the marble cake. I was so surprised to see him there, and even more surprised that Miss knew and didn't tell me! I got two shout outs during the meeting about celebrating Lianne's one year, and how it was a special night! The feeling is indescribable, and even more so when the man who I asked to give me my chip, got up and spoke about me. To be honest, I didn't know what he would say, but he nailed it, bringing us both to be a little choked up. He didn't know when and how we became more than meeting peers, but friends, and even friends on the book, but it just happened and he said he was honored to be a part of my journey and see how far I have come. "she's a newlywed, a homeowner... and she got her smile back" I sure did! I was blotting my tears in the corner of my eyes, smiling so big, everyone clapping and I was walking up there to receive my one year chip that I certainly did earn! I gave him a great big hug, and blew out my 1 candle on the cake, and then my turn to talk. No matter how comfortable I feel in that room, it's still a little intimidating with all eyes on you! "Hi my name is Lianne, I'm an alcoholic...I want to thank everyone in this room for their support, I'm not sure how I got here, well yes I do know how I got here, I changed my playmates and playgrounds like people in here suggested. I'll never forget the first day I came to this meeting, my first AA meeting, it was April Fools Day. (Maybe it's a reminder of all the foolish stuff I did when I was drinking) and the first few times I was just Hi my name is Lianne, but then hey why not, my stories weren't as crazy as some of you in here, but if you always compare yourself to others, then nothing is ever going to be bad for yourself, because there is always something worse out there, or always someone who has it worse than you, but it's not about that.. it's about knowing your own rock bottom, knowing your own worst, not anyone else's. It wasn't easy.. I think everyone should come to an AA meeting, because you crazy people are the most normal people I know! This is the best free therapy I have and will ever get. Thank you..." Something along those lines is what I shared, received my hugs, and then cut some cake!! Not that I like to see my parents choked up, but it was nice to see that they were really proud of me. And as I told Miss on the way to the meeting, it was like I was more excited for this meeting than a dance recital! But then when I saw my brother, I was like this really is better than a dance recital and being the center of attention on stage, because my brother(s) never went to any of my dance recitals, and here he was, one of them anyways! 

And for my wife better known as my goysband, Missy, my life, my best friend, my soul mate, my forever... I will continue to say it as long as I live... You are my reason! You saved me from myself! I am going to love you all the days of my life. 

OUR WEDDING!!!!! 12.20.14 had FINALLY arrived!!!!!

It was everything and sooooo much more than I could have ever dreamt. Rehearsal dinner was so bittersweet, at the house I grew up in for 17+ years. I was going out with a bang! We took care of all last minute errands Friday morning, including bringing Russell to the kennel; our car packed to the max, with the best “woman” in the back seat with the trash on her lap! The things you do for your friends! We grabbed a complimentary lunch at IHOP before taking off to the bank and a few other pit stops, including my parents house where my dad greeted Miss with a great big smile and said to her, “you still have time!” I turned my head and was in disbelief and laughter, “did he really say that?” “Dad! I’m your daughter!” as laughter filled the kitchen!!!  

We met her parents to set up for the rehearsal dinner, and off to the hall where we met the others to do a real dress rehearsal of the big day, One of our biggest reliefs was that the hall was not rented out the night before and we could get in there to do a practice run and more importantly set up the place! Ahhh, It was just the beginning! Everything was falling into place. The ring bearer and flower girl were running around the dance floor getting acquainted with the place, while family talked amongst themselves and we met with the manager of the hall to go over just a few last minute details. We did a few practice walks down the aisle with my parents. Mikie, her brother, wanted to practice the whole ceremony speech, which was perfect because it was the first time our families and bridesmaids heard the script, nice and intimate before the big day! And off to the delicious pasta and meat sauce dinner we went!! So much food as always, and of course many laughs, and tears to follow when we passed out cards of thanks to our parents, siblings and bridesmaids. It was great. A great pregame show! Then, the moment Miss and I had been waiting for, well one of the moments anyways… the set up! We had so much help loading and unloading everything in and out of the cars, the hall, and voila, onto the tables!!!!! I of course had to go around to every table and tweek things just like I had it pictured in my head, while Miss was directing and helping others. Everything was just so perfectly put together and it came out great. Lights hung and lit around the small cake table to the right of the head table. The blue garland hung just so even though we were worrying about how it was going to hold up with no clips since they were too small for the table. Michelle, my MOH and her husband figured it out and it looked beautiful. The garland wrapped around the bridesmaids framed pictures of them and us, the mason jars filled with blue and clear beads for them to place their rainbow swirled lollipop “bouquet” in after the ceremony, our “Tis the season to be married” sign with our wedding date, our patriots toasting glasses, and the rainbow Christmas lights stringing along the floor tucked under the white table skirt for the perfect twinkle!! Oh and Buddy the elf all ready for his big debut with his sign hung around his neck with his brand new patriots lanyard!!! The front of the hall, the main entrance at the top of the stairs was beautiful to see as we walked out of the hall, just the two of us, after sending everyone home for the night! We sat at the head table and looked out into the sea of empty chairs, white snowman painted and blue love painted wine bottles, our table numbers with a picture of each of us at the age of that certain number table… taking it all in, imagining who was sitting where and what it would be like with everyone we love, everyone who loves us, in one room!!! I am the luckiest girl in the world!!!!! We were back to the hotel by 10 or so and honestly I don’t know how I fell asleep, I was soo excited for our wedding day!

I rolled over to see that she had been up for a little while, 12-20-14 had FINALLY arrived!!!!! As soon as I was awake, and rolled over, Miss started belting out with her headphones she already had on, to an Andy Grammer song!!! Hahaha. I guess I rub off on her too, after seeing him at the Acoustic Christmas show! Pure excitement just filled our hotel room and TODAY WAS THE DAY! OUR DAY! The day we have been planning for the past year! We had breakfast together in the hotel, came back upstairs to get my wedding day bag, and I kissed my fiancé goodbye for the last time as my fiancé. “The next time you see me Bebs, I’ll be in my white dress!” She took pictures of me as I walked down the hall to go to my aunts house, where I met the girls and our moms, and my two aunts who did our hair!!

My mom was already getting her hair done, and the breakfast spread on the kitchen table was ready for us to dig into! Coffee, OJ, bagels, Danish ring, Fig squares (in honor of my Sittoo), fruit salad, hard boiled eggs, cheeses and Italian cold cut meats, and a surprise edible arrangement box of chocolate covered fruit as well. It looked beautiful and Michelle was sure to take pictures up close and personal, but not just of the food, of us too of course. My hair was set in curlers for over an hour while everyone else got their hair done. Carmen, Miss’ MOH came with my beautiful bouquet and a card that said To Lianne, My Bride!! I laughed and I cried as I read it from my soon to be wife, inside were five scratch tickets and even a penny, a 2013 penny that I failed to notice. The year we met, 2013! She thinks of every little detail possible!! I am so in love, and I love the way she loves me. We texted all morning until Carmen asked me to stop texting her! Haha.

Auntie Chris and Denise did an amazing job. Everyone looked amazing and we weren’t even in our dresses yet! Then it was my turn, round two. 11:40am sitting in the chair in my aunts hair room taking it all in, as Addy the flower girl, was sitting next to me in the other chair getting her hair curled sitting so still and giggling with her cousins, such an infectious laugh, every now and then glancing over at me through the mirror watching my curls being pinned ever gently. I could hear the rooms behind me filled with people I love and just speechless, which we all know is not a common trait of mine. Checking the clock, smiling for the camera, saying hello to cousins and my dad, and waiting for the photographers to show.

Right on the dot, 12:15pm, they walked through the doors to the hair room where I was still getting final touches. Introductions made and onto business they went! I caught a glimpse of them hanging my dress with my Mrs. Foster wooden hanger with a blue ribbon bow on my aunt’s double glass doors, and they took my blue ballet flats, and my rainbow bouquet of five perfectly dyed roses with baby’s breath and greenery for some more pictures I can’t wait to see!

I loved my hair! It was exactly how I wanted it!! The veil below the curls! It was just breath taking. When I snuck in the bathroom before getting dressed, I did a secret happy dance, brushed my teeth and stared into the mirror one last time by myself! Showtime!!!!! I walked out to the girls, and Kristie, my cousin and bridesmaid, laced the last half of my dress up while they watched. Ready to go! The dress fit even more perfectly than I remembered at my last fitting! “Get my dad!” I couldn’t wait any longer to see his face! I was in the front room of Auntie’s house, standing off to the side of her Christmas tree, and around the corner he came. “wait wait wait!!! I’m not ready,” the photographer said! Haha…Oops!

My dad came walking around the corner, through the opened glass double doors, I believe mumbling something like where’s my daughter, but to be honest, I can’t remember because that moment was just so precious. I’m his one and only daughter and I was standing in front of him in my wedding dress on my special wedding day, just hours away from marrying the person of my dreams! We hugged and he instantly started crying. We hugged some more and I started tearing up, as did my mom, my cousin and I think even Michelle. My dad walked away to take a minute and came back and looked out the window saying some silly comment about the weather to try and put himself together without all eyes on him crying. It was an incredible feeling, my words don’t do it justice. A few family pictures were taken, me and my parents and me and my brothers, and me with the bridal party and flower girl. I was getting a little antsy and started asking what time it was, I knew it had to be past 1:00 and my Broom was waiting for me at the photo spot down the street! “Ok, let’s move it out, Miss is wondering where I am!!” Haha. Into the minivan I went with the help of my mom, and two bridesmaids. We pulled up to where I would be walking out to meet Miss and they hid me in the car, taking extra precaution, pulling up the sun screen on the already tinted window and wrapping a scarf around the top of me so Miss had no way of peeking in, not like she would have anyways, but just to be safe!!!!! They got me all situated and out of the van as soon as they saw Miss was in position and the photographers were ready for me! I walked over to Miss, just seeing her backside, smiling so big but she couldn’t see me yet! When I got a little closer, taking direction from the photographers, we said “hi bebs,” I told her not to look! She said, “I can’t see but I can hear that giggle!!!” She turned to see me and the look on her face was again better than anything I could have pictured. She was in aw and so was I!! Her handsome royal blue shirt, silver tie with tie clip and all, grey golf shorts (not her usual cargo shorts, haha) and her bright blue sneakers to match her shirt, I wouldn’t have her any other way!!!!! She’s my GOY! She said I looked absolutely beautiful and I just remember her looking at me, staring at me all over and saying WOW!! I’m not sure what she had pictured me to look like on this very day, in this very moment, but I think by the look on her face, it far exceeded her expectations!! Every last detail right down to my hair and earrings and one silky side of my dress, she MORE than APPROVED!! HAHA.  I did not want to stop kissing her!!!!! It was AWESOME!!!!!!!!!! Another moment we had been waiting for had finally arrived!!!

Our families headed back over toward us and it was time to start taking pictures!!!!! It was so cool hearing people drive by honking their horns for us, while we listened to the photographer’s direction. Her name was Robin and she was great! We started off with my family photos first because it is smaller than hers. I couldn’t stop smiling and it had only just begun! It was so great and I was on my pink cloud, not letting the cold weather bother me! It could have been worse, like rain or wet snow. So even though snow would have been cool in some pictures, it was quite all right without the hassle of shoveling out the gazebo or worrying even more about frost bite! Haha. The cold weather made it a bit more organized, pictures being taken by some while others were warming up with coats on or near the gas heater Miss had thought of bringing which was a good idea. A good idea right up until our poor little ring bearer, our nephew stuck his hand on it, burning it so bad that it turned black instantly! The paramedics and police came within a matter of minutes, and soon enough the hectic panic was over. He is such a strong little boy, barely cried in pain!! We took a few pictures afterwards, finishing up with us and our bridal party! I am excited to see all of them, especially the ones with them licking their lollipops and being silly, our big one with both families, and the one with our flower girl and ring bearer holding up a frame with the wedding party posed through the frame!! It was just an awesome time, even if I couldn’t feel my pinky fingers towards the end of it! And a little bridal trot to the car to warm up, and off to the Ceremony we went!!!!!

We all hid in the room downstairs to wait for last minute arrivals of our guests. I was practicing twirling with Addy on the smaller dance floor in the room we were in, and had to use the bathroom a few times with the help of my mom and MOH haha. It went much better than I thought, incase you were wondering! Haa. It was almost show time. A quick reminder of who was standing where, to walk in to their spots, and before I knew it, I was walking up the stairs, seeing Miss ahead of me. She kept looking back and just smiling soo very big at me, as I was to her too! I was only to the top of the first flight of stairs, with my parents, and I was already starting to get teary eyed! Cue the music…my brothers walked in, Miss’ parents, then Miss and Mikie, who married us. And the ladies…Kimmy, Dawn, Kristie, Carmen, and Michelle, all before the cutest ring bearer and flower girl, who threw rainbow colored pom-poms instead of flowers, while the ring bearer held fake rings in a little blue and white nerf football! They were adorable! Before I snuck through the doors to help them out, I had to wipe away my tears. I couldn’t help but get a little teary eyed the very second I heard the entrance song, “She’s Everything” by Brad Paisley.

She's the giver I wish I could be

And the stealer of the covers

She's a picture in my wallet

and my unborn children's mother

She's the hand that I'm holding

When I'm on my knees and praying

She's the answer to my prayer

And she's the song that I'm playing

She's the voice I love to hear

Someday when I'm ninety

She's that wooden rocking chair

I want rocking right beside me

Everyday that passes

I only love her more

Yeah, she's the one

That I'd lay down my own life for

And she's everything I ever wanted

And everything I need

She's everything to me

Yeah she's everything to me

Everything I ever wanted

And everything I need

She's everything to me

We have been listening to this song and so many others for over a year, and this time was finally here! It was surreal, literally took my breath away. Her sister’s husband strung the guitar for my bridal march, and we were off! My mom on my right arm, and my dad on my left, due to his hurt shoulder, with the music in the background, and seeing a few people as I came to the center of the dance floor to head down to my Broom (Groom with a B, for bride, but since she’s more of a boy hah, she’s my BROOM!), then it was all eyes on her. The walk was nice and slow, with laughs and the biggest smiles ever!!! Hugs and kisses for both of us from my parents, and there we were, holding hands in a room full of people that we love and love us! The ceremony was absolutely perfect, a few stumbles, a few laughs, and me holding in the tears while Nick read “Soul mates” and Anthony read “Blessing of the Hands.” People laughed just as we hoped when we wrote for poorer or poorer instead of for richer or poorer, and about 8 minutes or so after I walked down the aisle to my Broom, we were pronounced two fruitcakes wrapped in tinsel for life!!! Miss high fived her brother, and kissed her Bride!!! I grabbed my flowers and fist pumped with them down the aisle to the song “Best day of my life!” After the ceremony, we went downstairs and outside, for a few private moments to ourselves as the new Mrs. And Mrs. The photographer met us outside for some shots with our props for pictures of the two of us while cocktail hour was going on! It was so much fun!! And then back inside for more private time, while we waited for the wedding party to come back and join us so we could line up for introductions into the reception!!! High fives, hugs and kisses all around!!!!!

Step into Christmas by Elton John, as our parents and bridesmaids got introduced jingling their jingle bells!! We shut the door so no one could see us, as they played “All I want for Christmas” by Mariah Carey….slow down the music a little and announced, for the first time Missy and Lianne…..IT WAS AWESOME! So AWESOME that we couldn’t open the doors, we were pounding on the door, because apparently it locked when we shut it all the way, so no one would see SANTA CLAUS coming out!!!!!!! Miss was dressed up as Santa and I had reindeer antlers on! It was SO PERFECT!!! PEOPLE LOVED IT! And her side, didn’t expect anything less! Hahahaha. We rocked out with the wedding party, while Miss took off the suit, and put on her decked out boot with a Christmas stocking on it, which of course she kept on the rest of the night, and for our first dance!! First dance as Mrs. And Mrs. To our boy’s song, “Mean to Me,” by Brett Eldridge.

If I could be the reason your hair's a mess,

The bass drum beatin way down deep in your chest,

If I could be the voice on your radio,

Then I could be your long ride home.

If mine could be the name that changes yours,

The wine in your glass,

The swing on your porch,

The dollar in your pocket,

And the peaceful in your sleep,

Then I'd be what you mean to me.

Standing here,

Watching you,

Turning every head in this crowded room,

The lights down low,

Dancin slow,

Oh, if falling's how you feel,

And perfect is what you see,

Then I'd be what you mean to me.

We did a few dance steps and twirls like we had practiced, and our eyes never left each others. After our first dance was our MOH’s speeches. Michelle and Carmen nailed them! They were perfect and they both made me cry! Michelle ended it with my blog title and Carmen ended it with Miss’s favorite word in the Navajo language, which means thank you! It was AWESOME! They are awesome awesome people and our friendships mean the world to both of us!! Bring on Turkey Dinnah!! When it did arrive, it was absolutely perfection…mashed potatoes with gravy, ham, turkey, stuffing with gravy and green beans, with a salad and fruit cup before all that was delicious!!! Family style, so we had to mingle and pass it around, like sitting at a dinner table! Carmen and a few others waited on us while we sat and took it all in, wearing our ladybug and superman bibs sewn by Auntie Dianne! People were coming up to us and congratulating us and taking pictures with us already! It was FANTASTIC!!! Nothing to be nervous about AT ALL! Michelle was sure to switch out the wine toasts for us too!! The water was just enough. I only had a few sips of soda before the reception! Like I said, nothing to be nervous about at all!

Father daughter dance was teary eyed, my dad and I were both in tears and just kept saying I love you and I’m glad you are happy! We danced to “My little girl” by Tim Mcgraw, and then of course a minute 40 seconds into it, “Brick House” came on, and dad’s shoulder sling came off! Haha. Still being very careful of his shoulder, it was an awesome time!!! Our wedding dance classic song to dance to so of course we had to on my very own wedding day! Then it was Miss’ turn… a surprise she had kept from me for about a month! Her dance with her family, her brother, sisters, their spouses, and her 9 nieces and nephews all lined up for Cotton Eyed Joe, and a choreographed dance they had practiced, all in different states, with the help of youtube!!! IT WAS GREAT!!! SOO FUN! I was VERY IMPRESSED by her dancing ability especially to remember all the dance moves! The dance floor was officially opened, and it was NEVER empty throughout the ENTIRE evening, including Limbo, which happened a little later in the evening! Limbo lasted for about 2 and a half songs, I can not wait to see the pictures of that. It was the last thing the photographer captured before ending her night with us. Oh and the cake was absolutely perfect. Sitting like a box of white presents (buttercream frosting) tied in royal blue ribbon bow, with our Santa and Ballerina cake toppers on the front of the sled, the cake display holder, with snowflakes as extra décor around the table! It was perfect!!!!!!!! So very cute and very much delicious too, especially when Miss smooshed it in my face and it went up my nose a little bit! We smooshed eachothers face at the same time!! Haha, ever since my mom gave her permission back in September, she has been waiting for it!! But she was gentle so it’s all good. We made it around to every table too with plenty of time to dance it up on the dance floor with friends, cousins and other family members. Everyone had a really great time!! They loved our photo booth, our sign in selfies, Buddy the elf cut out, rainbow lollipops, her Santa costume, our ornaments on the tree for a seating chart, right down to the personalized clip boards on the kids table with coloring pages, crayons and crazy blue silly straws for them. So many people kept coming up to us and telling us it was the most creative fun wedding people have gone to! After the wedding was over and we had people helping us pack up, me, my wife and her MOH headed to my parents house for some more to eat and hang out, and YES, I WAS STILL IN MY DRESS!!! I didn't want to take it off!!!!! We sat at the table, said hi to everyone and were still smiling! haha. cheeks hurting and all! It was time to get out of my dress, unfortunately, because we were heading to our honeymoon, and needed to leave it at my parents. I'm not sure what I'll do with it, probably have it preserved if we ever have a daughter, she can try it on like I did with my moms, and laugh at how out of style it may or may not be!! 

Everything just went so perfect. It was better than I could have ever dreamt, and so amazing to see every little detail and planning come to life!!! It truly was the most amazing day of my life!!!!! I can not wait to see all the pictures so I can keep reliving it over and over again! I am truly the luckiest girl in the world!!!!!

plenty of thanks

38 days.. It has been 38 days since my birthday. 38 days since I stepped out of my comfort zone once again and surprised myself. 38 days since I led my first AA meeting. I put myself out there and shared some of my thoughts and feelings. I was so proud of myself. I was nervous as all heck when I got there, but it was so worth it. Miss made brownies and brought cookies for all to share and help themselves with and of course of all days, it was such a crowded meeting!! So many eyes staring back at little ol' me sitting in the chair at the table in the front of the room. It got easier as the minutes passed. Staring back at Miss just waiting for the clock to strike 6:30, she was smiling so big at me. And then my parents walked in, just as I was wondering where they were and if they were coming. Both of my parents came, I was nervous and excited all at the same time. My dad even ad-libbed during the intro round robins, and made a note to tell everyone that "Lianne is my daughter." It was a pretty awesome feeling, especially when months before he said he'd probably never set foot in an AA meeting again. Don't get me wrong, he's shown me great support in other ways, but deep down I really wanted him to come to this meeting, my first meeting I chaired.

The topic was blurry just as my thoughts are still. haha. surprised? no. but it was so awesome. People's feedback was so positive and people actually raised their hands to share and said how it was a great topic. I know they were sharing to the whole group, but there was something about choosing the topic of the meeting, and sitting up there with all eyes on you, feeling like the people who I called on to share, were talking to me and only me in some ways. It was great and I took it all in, I always do. They even sang happy birthday to me in the beginning of the meeting. Honestly there wasn't any place I'd rather have spent my 32nd birthday! The feeling I get when I leave those meetings is indescribable.

...

22 days to OUR wedding! I am so thankful I found someone who loves me no matter what, who wants to know what and how I feel, wants to know about my day, hopes and dreams, and more importantly wants to share in my dreams and future. I am so thankful for all that she has done for me and our wedding and I am so very excited to share this day with the ones we love. Thanksgiving has come and gone, but there is still so much to be thankful for each and everyday.

I am loving my life, my country life, the snow is so beautiful out here, the sounds of the wind, the sight of the stars, if only there were more wildlife animals. I can't wait to explore the seasons of the country, the farmers markets, the tree lighting in the next town over, motorcycle rides on open country roads, and lots of pictures to take along on this journey. Our new chapter in our life has already begun and marrying each other makes it a more promising, permanent declaration for our commitment to share our lives together.

And yet a part of me deep down inside, still doesn't believe she is beautiful, worthy or deserving of a forever love like this. She makes me want to become a better person each and every day. Little by little I do truly believe the words she tells me every day, words of unconditional love and respect. It's amazing how honesty and communication can be so freeing and loving. I couldn't ask for a more perfect fit, partner in crime, life long partner to laugh with, cry with, go crazy with, share every thing with... this year has brought so many good things to both of our lives, and I am very eager to see what tomorrow brings. As one of my favorite sayings goes, "And isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back everything is different?" With that said, may we never forget to make the most of today, be grateful for every breath we take, every moment we share, good and bad, for it teaches us a lot about ourselves and the ones we love.

Happily Exhausted

exhaustion. complete exhaustion and excitement. I haven't blogged in over a month, a lot has happened in a month, if you're anyone who has followed my blog this past year, I'm sure you are not surprised by me saying that, a lot has happened in a year! so this past month...nothing different, a lot has happened and it has been very, very exciting and busy!!!!!

what a summer and fall... I quit my job of 5 1/2 years to take some mental health time for myself, I started a new less stressful job for the time being, I asked Miss to look at this house with me in the beginning of August even though we weren't actively looking for houses then, and she told me ok, but don't fall in love with it, and well we both ended up falling in love with it!!!!! It wasn't soon after that we needed to decide what to do next, I wanted this house and so did she! So we took the next steps and before we knew it the process had begun. There were a few chances to back out in the beginning if we had changed our mind, but both of us being very determined people were ready to go and prepared ourselves for wherever this could have taken us!!

We made our first offer around the time we were leaving for my best friend's wedding, the 13th of August! and we heard back the next day, standing firm at our offer two times, we got them to lower from the asking price about 9,000 dollars. They accepted our offer on the 14th!!!!! and so the inspections and fun stuff with the actual mortgage loan application began. Back and forth and back and forth, I learned a lot about buying a house! We had tons of knowledge and helpful people in the process of buying our first home! It was a long, painful at times, but so very worth it process!!!

Enough with all the little details, it has been a week since we are mostly all moved in thanks to our parents and other family members and neighbors who moved us in and did huge improvements before moving in/and while moving in! 

 It started looking and feeling like OUR HOME this week!!!!!

"Not a lot of people get a house for their birthday," said her brother! And he is right! haha

my birthday... my last birthday with my birth name, as I will be taking Miss' last name.

my age this birthday, the age I will be when we wed in less than two months, also equals 5!!!!!

Five is our number, coincidence, I think not? :) 

This has been such a great week in our new home, so much to do and it is still so surreal that we have our very own home!! And a home it is becoming!!! 

Miss said today that I haven't left the kitchen! Im just so excited I guess to have my own kitchen! Our own living room our own bedrooms our own weight room our own spaces!!!!!! Our own yard... And Russell's fenced in yard that I'm actually excited to take and clean up!! And for our yard... I can't wait to see what the spring brings :-) but first things first we have a wedding to finish planning!!!!! What a great year this has been... I am so blessed and the year is not over yet! 

If it makes you happy...

I cried last night in AA. I was completely vulnerable. The topic was confusion. Confusing things when you first started coming to AA. I talked about how confusing it is that I'd rather be at a meeting than at my parents house. That is confusing to me. I talked about how my relationship with my mom is different yet other family members were glad I stopped drinking with no questions. Also confused about that, and why they didn't reach out when I was drinking. Drinking or not drinking is not the problem, it was my medicine. It made me numb to things I didn't want to feel. I didn't want to think I'd be alone forever or that I had already had many failed relationships and after seven years of living on my own, out from underneath my parents roof, that is where I found myself. Until this past year or so, but still sort of under my parents roof, just the one they don't live under but still own. I am in the process of buying a house with my fiancé, in the process of getting married, planning my honeymoon, enjoying my bachelorette and bridal shower weekend! This is the happiest time of my life so why am I crying.

I am sick of feeling like I need to explain myself. I am frustrated with the way I feel when I walk in my parents house, the atmosphere or something in the air, and suddenly my mood changes. I don't get it. I was so happy the whole way there yesterday!

People spoke after me, after my first emotional breakdown at AA last night. This lady spoke to me pretty much when she spoke about families and her relationships with her family. "Family and loved ones should be happy and excited that you are not drinking anymore, at least that's what they say, but not everyone may be as excited as you are that you have stopped drinking...this one family member didn't get it for the longest time and was sad and upset, and she didn't have her drinking buddy anymore...hang in there, it will get better. Your relationships will be different but that doesn't mean they will be worse, it just takes time for people to see."

Everything happened all at once. I started dating Miss and then we got engaged, I stopped drinking, I changed my job, We are looking at houses and in the process of hopefully closing on a house...Things are happening for us! Things are looking up for me...I no longer wake up hung over and forget my nights of so called fun for me, I drank to get drunk, how is that fun? I no longer take naps for no reason, I no longer sit at home by myself waiting for friends to call or drink by myself.

My life may be busy and changing, and in that time of change things are exciting.
No one is changing me, no one forced me to AA, it was my decision. And that fact that some "friends" even questioned that to me makes me so hurt. There is nothing wrong with me and not drinking. I didn't lose all my friends, so obviously I am not the problem. And people said it last night in AA, and my therapist said it months ago, people you used to drink with may feel more uncomfortable than you with you not drinking anymore.

I am LOVING my life! All the things I have done in the past year...it blows my mind!
I have ridden and even drove a motorcycle and I love going for rides on the bike!! I have searched for houses and found one and am taking a risk, cause that's what you do, there isn't going to be the perfect house, but we will make it perfect for us, if I don't try, I will never know. I have been in my best friends wedding, the only wedding I have ever been in and I was maid of honor!! People are gathering this weekend for us, because we are getting married! I'm getting married this year! I had a weeks vacation with family and friends and we hosted, it was awesome! I rode in a helicopter, I rode on one of the biggest ferris wheels ever and I hate ferris wheels. I have nieces and nephews now that like hanging around me, I conquered more fears of heights and scary roller coaster rides. I am enjoying life in so many more ways than going out every friday night and/or saturday night and drinking within four walls with a bunch of strangers. I am enjoying my friends, I still get invited places and am included in get togethers with or without alcohol there, because they are just hanging out and playing yard games and laughing with each other without the intention of getting drunk. I have gone kayaking, I have gone tubing, I slept in a tent! I drove a golf cart! I enjoy wildlife and taking pictures of deer and bunnies! I saw my first moose! I took pictures in a silly photo booth at a carnival. I went to a state fair with carnival rides, crazy amount of food booths, and live animals, petting zoos and absolutely loved it!

This is just the beginning!!!!! Good things are still ahead for the two of us.

"Things will get better, you have too many other things to worry about..."
 "Remember there is only you, remember that"
"Things are happening for you, and if it all makes you happy, then you keep doing it..."

what if

smells of eggplant parm cooking in my mom's kitchen and it's all because of us. I love it. I love the invitations being sent out to people who are coming together because of us. I love us. So much going on and I still can't believe it's September! Our wedding is right around the corner!! Registries complete and being viewed by our families and friends, gathering and packing up wedding stuff so it's all ready for set up on the day of or day before our wedding, and more and more details being decided on and completed. All the while, we are going back and forth all day everyday with realtors, lawyers and mortgage brokers about a house that is for sale and contingent because we put in an offer and it was accepted, so let the negotiations begin. They have begun!!! It's nerve wracking and exciting, so exciting all at the same time. I know everyone is looking out for us and our best interest, but life is all about risks, and life is too short not to take this one. If it's meant to be, it will be, and god willing it will be. I am prepared either way, because quite honestly it hasn't even hit me that I was pre approved for a mortgage, let alone the bank telling me they are ready to go with the mortgage process and we are way closer to the final commitment letter than the pre approval process!!!!! It's an amazing feeling and I have learned a ton about houses and negotiating and finances than I have ever imagined. It's a waiting game, and I am trying hard to be patient, we both are trying to be patient. This was just an opportunity we couldn't pass up, and we are invested now, so why not keep going and see what happens.

If we live with all the what if's, where does that take us? how far does that get us? If there is something I learned (or reminded of again in a different way than death) and am still learning from having (re)met Missy, is that life is far too short to not do things we are passionate about or desire. I have always been a hard worker, and well this job I have now, don't get me wrong, way less stressful and just different from my last job, but this isn't my forever job, and we both know that; however, I can't help but give my 110% even if I am not getting overtime pay or health benefits. What is wrong with me? Does everyone have this kind of work ethic? Why stress out about stuff that I just can't get done in a day, all the extras I am asked to do? I need to stay focused on what is expected of me on a daily basis and that's that. It's a dog eat dog world out there, what does that even mean anyways? But it's true, I can still give this job my best work, but just do that my best, not above and beyond for what will be nothing in the long run. It doesn't grant my more money, more benefits or anything other than positive feedback and verbal praise, and unfortunately in this world, those things do not pay the bills, and I know this. I am and have always been a hard worker, but knowing what I know now about the system, people don't care what you did extra. You don't get anything from doing extra. Missy is screwed for lack of better terms, for the rest of her life, our life together,  at a pay that rarely inflates, crap healthcare, oh wait...healthcare for the elderly even though she's in her 30s, but because of her disability she has to have medicare which pays nothing for anything, all the while, the guy who just flew in on a flight who knows who paid for it, from sudan or nigeria or wherever in Africa has clothes on his back, a roof over his head and food at the table, and most likely some kind of health benefits a little better than that Missy is getting who has paid her debt to this wonderful country, but gets nothing. Fuel assistance? Food stamps? Masshealth insurance? Nope, nope and nope, sorry, you make too much money. Too much money? Are you kidding me. She hasn't worked since 2007 and can't work because of the daily pain she is in, and if she did work from home with her own schedule, she would lose the income she does get from being disabled, so tell me how that is fair.

Don't get me wrong, I understand being a woman, and especially a gay woman in another country outside of our own, we would be treated terribly worse and have so much freedom in the U.S that we often take for granted. You never really know how messed up "the system" quite is without living in it. How is it that other countries in the world have free health care, and free college education for all, when living in the U.S your entire life and paying your taxes gets you less benefits than those traveling over to the U.S for the "american dream." I am frustrated and could go on and on, not really sure how I ended up on this topic, but apparently needing to get it out somehow, someway.

Money money money. If we wait for everything to get better or to be better, we are just waiting for nothing. Waiting and wasting. I've never been more confident in my risk taking, and never been more in love and happy with my relationship and with myself. I have been sober for eight months! That is a huge accomplishment. I have money in my savings account!! I own my very first car, paying off at least 97% of it on my own, with the help of my parents, on a car loan that the financial guy at Toyota said was the largest car loan he's ever seen!! I am getting married!! I am still eating right and making healthier choices as a responsible adult, not always healthy but I try my best, without stressing about working out so hard a few times a week and seeing only a plateau in my results. Who cares if I don't work out every day, I love myself!!! I actually love myself!! Miss seems to think I am in love with myself, and I should be, we all should be, but I tell her it's all her fault. I feel so ridiculously comfortable in my own skin, in this healthy relationship that I am in. Yeah I'm not perfect, and either is she, but like a great man once said in a great movie,"You're not perfect, sport, and let me save you the suspense: this girl you've met, she's not perfect either. But the question is whether or not you're perfect for each other."

Integrity. Honesty. Alcoholism. Those were the topics this week at the meeting where I walked up to receive my eight month coin! My eight months... my mom actually called me up on the exact day, the 29th, to congratulate me. Funny thing is, Miss and I forgot it was that day, so caught up in other things, or maybe I am simply not thinking about it as much. Either way, it was a great feeling to receive my coin, and walk through the aisle of hands reached out to congratulate me. I felt like I was running through a screaming crowd at a homecoming football game or something like that. It was awesome! I never lied when I was drinking, I never hurt anyone, or so I thought. You never really see things clearly until you detach yourself from those things. I was hurting myself. I was hurting for a really long time. I was lying to myself about how crazy I got when I drank, how I drove home after a few drinks too many with and without friends in the passenger seats, I was fooling myself when I would withdraw money from my bank account knowing it was a negative balance, but whatever since the bank dispensed the money to me even though I didn't have any in there. I was numbing the pain, the hurt, the feelings and thoughts of ending up by myself for the rest of my life, for never being good enough for anyone to date, just to mess around with, for not thinking I was worthy of anything more than what I was getting, which was crap. I am worth it. I am so worth it.

The funny thing is, I think I "hurt" more people in my sobriety than I did when I was drinking, if that's at all possible. It's crazy to think that in doing things to better yourself, people question your honesty and your motives, rather than accepting me for who I am. Yeah, those times were fun, but what is fun when you feel like crap the next morning, what is fun when you cry yourself to sleep or pee your pants in your bed without even knowing it, what is fun when you get so drunk to just not feel anymore, what is fun when you force yourself to a few drinks at the bar by yourself while feeling like crap over a holiday break, but hey you're drinking orange juice with the vodka so maybe that will help with your cold...too bad that wasn't the case. Yes, we can't please everyone, and no, I don't want to treat others badly on purpose, but pleasing yourself should come first. It took me years to put myself first, and I am still learning how to take care of myself and love myself better each day, so does it stink when people I once cared for don't approve of my life choices and who I am today on this day in this present time, yes it stinks, but there is nothing I can do about it. I know I am being true to myself, taking care of myself and being good to me and the ones I love, and that is all I can do today. Only I know what I have done, how I felt before and how I feel today. I can only ask those who truly care and love me continue to accept me for me, love me, and love what I am doing with my life even though they may not agree 100%.

I would not be who I am, this strong willed,  determined, motivated and passionate woman without my parents, their love and unconditional support emotionally, physically and financially.

Cheers to us bebs, this is our time, our crazy journey together that I wouldn't have or want any other way. I love you FOSTAH!!!!!

hurt. gratitude. acceptance.

Gratitude: the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness. 

I am not an ungrateful person by any means, maybe I act ungrateful and whiney sometimes, but I know the struggle, now so first hand, that my parents endure and still do on a daily basis to make sure their three kids are taken care of and their basic needs met. I have a college education, a paid off car, a job, a paycheck every two weeks, a roof over my head even if it's not mine, food and clothes on my back. A lot of which millions of people don't have. 

We live in such a greedy society, of always wanting more and more or wanting what everyone else has and focusing on what we don't have rather than what we do have. I didn't share tonight but I took it all in and still wanted to be there. To be honest, a part of me didn't want to be there. I am angry. I am angry and hurt by many things that have happened to me the past few days and am having a hard time being grateful of what I have. I have all this happiness in my life right now, and I wish nothing more to share it with my parents and brothers and those I love so much, but I can't. They don't allow me to do just that, and haven't for years, but no one seems to see that but me. I want nothing more to hang out with my brothers again, laughing and talking, not fighting and yelling. I don't know how to talk to them, because they don't allow me to do so. Do I keep working myself up about this? No, but it makes me sad. It hurts, and I don't know how to make the hurt go away. I can't. I can only do what's best for me, and continue to live my life to the fullest before it's too late. 

One day at a time, one twenty-four hours at a time, one hour at a time, one moment to cherish because in an instant, it's gone.  

I'm making positive changes, and no one is telling me to do so, especially alcohol. 

I'm not wetting my pants in an unconsciousness drunken sleep in mixed company anymore; I'm not driving drunk or buzzed or whatever you call it, it's still drunk and I'm not driving drunk anymore; I'm not going out and spending tons of money on nothing more than alcohol, an addictive substance that made me not like myself very much nor the decisions I made or didn't make when drinking. 

Chapter five in "Living Sober" is titled "Live and let live," another famous cliche among A.A or just in general for that matter. So simply stated in words on paper, but how does one do this in real life? "People we met in A.A, they reacted to us, not with criticism and suspicion, but with understanding and concern." There are always going to be people who disagree with things I do or say, or maybe never understand it, but there are certain people who are supposed to love me no matter what, and I know they still do, I just wish they could show a little more excitement with positivity rather than negativity. They say in A.A to stay away from your playmates and playgrounds, and some people either get that or they don't. For example, if you have a gambling problem, you should probably stay away from the casinos. I'm not pushing people away, or simply shutting doors on friendships, I'm putting me first, yes, in the most non-selfish way possible, and I'm taking care of me and my self improvement. My mom saved me a segment once about a tv show host who quit drinking for a year just to try it and take better care of himself for whatever personal reasons, and he said "you learn a lot about yourself and who your friends are." And so be it. Those people came and were in your life for whatever the reason you needed each other at that point of your lives, but life keeps happening with or without certain people by your side. I'm not sure where I am trying to go with this, I mean I know what I'm trying to say but it just does not seem to be coming out right, or too wordy or whatever the case. How do you please everyone? You can't and you'll die trying, and for all the wrong reasons. 

I feel better about myself than I have in a real long time. I have a fiancé who shows nothing but love and respect and support to me on a daily basis. We have really good communication and have come a long way in the 10 months we have been together. Live is about living and I am finally living, freeing myself of decade long grudges, sadness and anger of lost friendships in my past and so forth. I am putting golf balls, riding and driving motorcycles, I am going to church because I want to not because I have to, I am sleeping in tents, I am going on scary rides, I am challenging myself to do better and be better on a daily basis, so why can't people see any of this happiness? I'm done living life explaining myself to everyone and anyone. I'm sick of comparing myself to others, or being jealous of what others have and I don't, that's no way to live. 

I am happy, I am truly happy and want nothing more to share that with my family. Depression is a terrible terrible thing, and I hate knowing that there is nothing I can do or say to help people who are so very much a part of me and my life. Being sober is about being present, it's about being present in your life and others who love you and want to share this life with you. Why can't they see that? Why can't they see the change in them like others can see? But it's not always about them, it's not always about other people, why can't it be about me? This is the happiest time in my life and I want to share it with those who reach out to me with the same enthusiasm and excitement I have in my heart. I'm done with the negativity, people putting my choices down, people putting my fiancé down, and all the hurt and mixed emotions that come with it. I'm angry, I'm sad and I don't want to be neither of those things anymore because I know just how happy I am, and how happy this time in my life is for me. 

This lady often speaks of being childlike, living like a child, in her sobriety and she's something like eighty five or so years old. Sobriety has opened her eyes to many things, but the one that sticks with me is when she often talks about being child-like, not in a childish, immature way, but rather in a fun loving playful way. Enjoy your days, go out and play, and play well with others like innocent children do. Go enjoy your motorcycles, sports, ice-cream, and friends. You are never too old to play, to enjoy life and make the most of it. It's time, it's my time. I need not worry about helping others, when they don't want to help themselves. I can't explain to them the beauty in this world, they must experience it on their own, when will they do so? when will they have had enough? when will they change when they don't need to change because they are so stuck in their own misery and hell? I can not worry about this and that, but it saddens me to know that I can't share my happiness with them. I can't even surround myself with them, their energy or lack of energy just brings me down, and I go to a place I have been many times before. I go to a place where I went many many nights of drinking by myself, or drinking with friends with only one goal in mind, to get so drunk that I didn't care what happened. Who was this girl? This was the same girl who was scared shitless of ever getting in trouble with the authorities or my parents for doing something wrong, but when I kept drinking, it didn't matter. Under the influence of whatever your cup of tea is, it doesn't matter what you may be scared of because you do things to hurt others and yourself sooner or later without even realizing it. People are hurting for you and with you and you haven't a clue, until you pull yourself up and realize that people don't live like you are living, people don't just throw away their lives, and days, and loved ones;  people don't live alone.  People say you enter and leave this world alone, but it wasn't meant to live alone. 

Three deep breaths can change your mood;

One day at a time;

Breath in the positivity and Breathe out the negativity. 

And maybe one day people will come around before it's just too late. 

Acceptance in those halls and meetings have been something I have been longing for, for years. I feel more accepted and cared for at those meetings than in my parent's home with my brothers and parents all present. Why do we hurt the ones we love? Why can't we help those who hurt so bad? Why can't people be happy for me, without any judgment or questions? 

surrender: to stop resisting

Surrender. The topic of last night's meeting...

SUR-REN-DER

: to agree, to stop fighting, hiding, resisting, etc., because you know that you will not win or succeed. 

: to give the control or use of (something) to someone else

: to allow something (such as a habit or desire) to influence or control you

Pretty self explanatory within the definition of the word. Something that controls you, it can be chocolate, running, exercising, drugs, and or alcohol among a bunch of other things. It could be anything really, the list is endless. When is that moment of surrendering? Is it the same day we become sober, or free of these controls? Not necessarily the same day, but perhaps it happens just soon before we realize that we have had enough. 

When is enough enough? When will you reach your rock bottom? 

Everyone's rock bottom is different as I have said in previous blogs. Until you have enough of that gut wrenching pain you won't stop, you just won't stop whatever it is that is controlling you. That thing  that has such great influence over you and your life's choices. Until you have had so much pain and hurt, and then some more pain, will you stop and surrender?

How do I surrender when people who love me most don't think I even have a drinking problem? How do I surrender when I'm not court ordered to do so or sentenced to a rehab or detox facility? How do I surrender when no one thinks I have to? "Maybe things just were getting out of hand and you need to slow down, or maybe in a few months you can have a few drinks or one or two here and there." And then there were those who spoke out to me after I had told them about quitting drinking and attending AA meetings, who were ever so thankful in hearing all that about me because my drinking made them nervous. Why hadn't they spoken out before?

Why didn't loved ones see I had a problem, and more importantly why did it take me so long to realize there was a serious problem. A serious problem that probably would have been more serious if there weren't those five years of taking care of other people too much, that I was too tired to drink, or go out and party and have a good time, because before and after those five years, I seemed to know how to go out and have a good time, or what I thought was a good time. A good time with alcohol, a good time with hiding my feelings, covering up my pain. If you follow this blog at all, you know the heartaches I have endured in my short time on this planet Earth. By the age of 22, I had lost a significant amount of people in my family to death, been part of two eulogies, lost friendships without closure and so forth...all of which are enough to make most people go crazy. I sure as heck went crazy with my alcohol at some point in time these past two years or so.  I went crazy enough to know that always joking about the possibility of becoming an alcoholic was just right in front of me, closer than ever. My dad and his dad were both alcoholics, and my dad's mom, always went to al-anon meetings for family members of alcoholics. 

They talked a lot about pain last night. Everyone in that room is so very different , comes from every walk of life possible and perhaps would not cross paths otherwise, but we all have a common denominator: a shared trait. Alcohol is ours, but for some it's drugs and whatever else. It's not necessarily the drinking or drugs that are the problem... It's you, it starts with you and will end with you; with us, and only ourselves. 

We drink or drug to hide our feelings and deal with life. Life is the problem and we need to learn better ways of dealing with it than those that harm ourselves, like drugs and alcohol do, or will end up doing if we don't put a stop to it. I'm fortunate enough to have never killed anyone while buzzed driving or probably drunk driving, and driving my friends home, not remembering I even did that the next mornings. Some people are just not social drinkers, or social smokers, some people actually get addicted to these things, because really everything can be addictive if you have that kind of personality. We can't help it, it's in our genes, it's the way we were built. What we can do, is do other things, find other things and ways of dealing with our feelings and life's crazy messes, heartaches, as well as the celebrations and happiness. To all of us in that room, the only way we know or maybe have ever known to deal with sadness and to celebrate happy times is with alcohol and/or drugs. 

How do I surrender without people's support? That's exactly it, you have to hit rock bottom on your own, so it makes sense to have to surrender on your own. When you surround yourself with people who do the same things you do, they are not going to be the ones to stop you or necessarily draw attention to your problems, but rather all talk and laugh the next day about not remembering what we did the night before, and/or passing out in their passenger seat of the car while they are driving you home. Nor is it their responsibility to take care of you or tell you that you have a problem with whatever it is. After all, it is the hardest to tell the ones we love how we care about them or may be concerned with them. Why would you want to potentially push the ones we love, have fun with and want in our lives away? Why would you want the possibility of them leaving your life, but then again, if you don't say something, that next drink, or drug could be their last. 

Yeah, my alcohol addiction wasn't as severe as most, but we can't compare ourselves, just like I have written lots about before. You compare you to you and only you. Everyone's rock bottom is different. If you are feeling sad, or hurt, or angry and push people away, don't want to be around anyone anymore...those may be a few signs you are having a problem. Why there is such a stigma on people with "problems" is beyond me, because we all have them!! 

Pain and love, there are so many forms of these two words. Pain could be self inflicting to make us feel better, or pain could be the knife in your back from your best friend, or sadness, anger and hurt. Love is tricky too. Love is not always kind and genuine. Love is supposed to be sweet and happy and all those good feelings inside. How do we have or show unconditional love, loving someone no matter what they do in their own lives, but supporting them, with no limitations or conditions, if we disagree with their life choices, or their lack of better life choices to get the help they need. Especially when people hurt you or make you feel badly about yourself, that is not what love is supposed to feel like. Love can be mistaken for many things in many different forms of relationships. Love can be misleading, unappreciated and being taken advantage of. 

Tough love: love or concern for another that is expressed in a strict way especially to make someone behave responsibly. In my case, I gave myself tough love. I can do this, I can make better life choices even against those who may not agree with me at first. Tough love can also be between us and those we love the most, even those we brought into this world. When people reach certain ages, we have laws that make them adults, and sometimes those laws get in the way of helping the ones who really need it but won't help themselves. So we just give give give, hoping that one day all our love will cure them, when really they need some real genuine unconditional tough love. 

Getting help on your own is hard enough, but why would you refuse help that is being handed to you. Why would you treat the people who love you the most the worst?  We can't help people if they don't want to help themselves. We can't help the people we love most, even if we are their mothers, fathers, or sisters. We just can't help anyone but ourselves, and that may be the most painful thing of all when we have people so close to us hurting so very badly. 

We can't enable either, because if people have no responsibilities, everything easily handed to them, why would they want to change? Why would people want to change their lives, make it harder even if that hardness is just a little while longer. In previous posts, I have mentioned going out and buying my dog, because I needed something to be responsible for, I needed something in my life to depend on me, and me not depend on them. 


I'm not an expert, I don't have all the answers, but there is one thing I do know for sure, and that is how great life is with sobriety. I don't have something in my life that is in control any longer. I don't wake up hungover, I'm not driving up to ATM's and withdrawing money from my account that I don't have to go meet people for drinks, and I am surely not waking up in my own urine soaked jeans hours later. 

 Some say the 24 hour to 29 day coin they hand out at the meetings is the most important coin and you only have to get it once. I don't have that coin, but I do have the 3, 4, 5, and 6 month coins. I only have to get those coins once too. Surrendering hurts, it's ugly and painful, as if you haven't had enough pain and ugly in your life, but we must do it. We must do it on our own, knowing that no matter what we have done in our pasts, we can always make amends. It's a much brighter side of things when you surrender. No one promised me it would be easy, no one promised me anything, but unconditional love and support. Life is so much better for me now that I am sober and making my own choices, rather than living with something making the choices for me.