Dear Younger Self

Dear younger self,

There is so much to tell you, I don't know where to begin. There are some things you just have to learn by doing and going through yourself, but if these words find you any comfort or hope then great. People are not always who you think they are, and life isn't always against you even though it may seem that way at times, more times than not. But head up young person, eyes forward, don't look back, it's a huge waste of time. You won't know who will be there for you 3 or 4 years from now, and that's ok, because when those people walk out, you will be surrounded by some pretty amazing people who are accepting, loving and authentic. They tell it how it is, just like yourself.

Don't waste your time or others by making things sound pretty, that well just aren't pretty. Be truthful, be honest, maybe not so sarcastic, but it's ok at times, because its your defense mechanism. Big word I know. But it will make sense after broken heart after broken heart, and after your losses, death and friendships. That defense mechanism is what is going to hold you together at times when you're just not able to cry anymore. Everyone has them, those silly defense mechanisms, that yes, will sometimes get in the way of potential life long friendships, but please know that with or without the sarcasm, you can't wonder what if? what if I was less straightforward? what if I hid my feelings? what if I wasn't so sarcastic? would I have more friends? would certain people still be in my life? what ifs....just get rid of those what ifs here and now, and it will cause a lot less hardships and maybe even save you a few less therapy sessions.

However you use your words, try and be more tactful at times, and always know that words can come back to haunt you. same goes for your friends' words though too. Own your words. Say sorry only if you mean it, don't tell someone you love them just because they tell you they love you. Own it. Mean it. Say it with your heart.

Stay positive, don't be so down on yourself! You are truly beautiful inside and out. Those annoying sayings...people come in different shapes and sizes...beauty is in the eye of the beholder...yada yada. Well it's true. And you are beautiful just the way you are so own that too! You have a lot more going for you than you think. And yes, there will be people who take advantage of that, but please don't let them. Be kind to yourself and your body. Save it for those who truly deserve it. There are many other ways to feel good about yourself.

On more positive notes, keep dancing. even if it is only in your dorm room, or kitchen of your small apartment. Dance like nobodys watching. Sing in the shower. Wake up with a smile on your face knowing that you are a strong beautiful person. The people you met and will meet, treat them fair, treat them kind. Appreciate the short time you have with them. Friends and Family. Love whole-heartedly, with all that you have everyday to those who surround you and reciprocate the same love and feelings. I know its hard to trust people, and tell the difference between those who are sincere and those who are not. But you will find a way, you always do, and when you know, don't be mad when they walk out on you. Don't regret the time you had with each and everyone of them, for they contributed to the person you will be, whether it was in their presence or in their absence. You are strong, don't ever let anyone tell you different. And believe it. Believe in yourself and trust yourself, it helps when you are learning to trust others and give your love to others when you have more love and trust for yourself.

Lastly, fairytales only happen in movies. People are not perfect, love is not perfect, it truly is whether or not you are perfect for eachother. When you meet that person, don't rush it. It will happen, it will come, it will be. To love yourself so much that you can love another person no matter what their faults, petpeeves, etc.. are, to love them for better or worse, it will come, it will happen. Love happens when you are not looking for it, so just stop looking! Head up young person, your time will come and it may not be all that you dreamed when you were even younger than you are now, but it will be amazing. It will be more than all of that. Remember people aren't always who you think they are, and your dreams, well they may change too. All is well if you take it and run with it, think with your heart, love with all that you have, and know that this is still what you always wanted... to be happy. to love and be loved.

With Love,
Older Self

violence. survivors. hope.

pain. we all have pain in our lives. different kinds, different reasons, brought on by others or ourselves, on purpose, or accident, wrong place at the wrong time... whatever and wherever the pain came from... it shares one in the same... its negative.

domestic violence. sexual assault. learned helplessness. I hate the term learned helplessness, it just seems well, so negative...

yeah, sometimes its all they know, its all they have ever lived. but that's where you and I come in. Some of my best learning in college was during my sexual assault training through S.A.V.E.S when I decided to become a hot line advocate for the organization. It was separate from college and my courses on campus. I actually don't remember how or when I decided to sign up and join, nor did I know that it would change my life, leaving imprints on my heart to help people in different ways now.

Listening. the hardest thing to do. Listening without talking. even harder. I was trained for it. sure, still a work in progress until I was actually given the opportunity to apply my skills. Listening? how hard can it be? Harder than you think. And rewarding? absolutely. It was amazing to me that something so negative, so hurtful could be so rewarding to be a part of. To witness, to hear the change from victim to survivor, to hear the positivity and hope in their voices after such tragedy, such pain... to hear their thank yous, when you wonder to yourself what did I do? All I did was listen. I listened!! I listened when no one else would or had.

My time at SAVES ended when I graduated and moved back home, but shortly after I looked into working some months at a domestic violence shelter and later on at the rapecrisiscenter.org as a hot line advocate, going through more months of training on Massachusetts laws and such. I'll never forget one of the conversations at the domestic violence shelter.

Though my time was short there, it forever changed my outlook on people who are victims/survivors of learned helplessness. Sitting in the office, across from me, a female maybe just a year or two older than myself, with one child to care for, in a relationship for years with this man who she said was about 6 feet tall, and 250-300 pounds. mind you, the female survivor sitting across from me was oh about my height of 5 feet and probably around 115 pounds. She told me some stories, but particularly this one time, the last time, her last straw. He had beaten her so many times, with his fist, different household accessories, pushed her when she was pregnant, but this time, this time was her last. He actually took his shoe off and beat her with it, cut open her lip, she will forever have the scar... the scars on the outside as well as the inside. constant reminders. but to her and to the other strong women that were in the shelter, to her the scars will remind them that they are alive, that they took care of themselves when no one else was around. The word shelter is funny...if you think of it, they were living in a shelter and feeling more free and safe than ever, shelter, they had been sheltered in those relationships.

so why, why does it take so long for them to leave? Sometimes it's not because they don't know any better or this is all they know. sometimes, to stay means to be alive, and to leave, leaving alive, that doesn't always look promising. I looked at her with my undivided attention, smiling and crying for her, and for me, wondering if I'd have the strength and courage she did.

That's the problem with us outsiders. We don't use words like strength and courage as common as we should when talking about survivors of abuse. We focus on the negativity and make accusations as to why they may have been in an abusive relationship? why didn't they just walk away? why would they want to stay with that person? They don't. They are trying. and They don't. Abuse happens everywhere and to anyone, male, female, gay, lesbian, handicapped, rich, famous.,,,physically and/or emotionally.

I miss the work I did (and am looking locally to joining yet another similar organization), the learning, the positiveness that came with the trainings and the people who work at these places. It takes special people to do this kind of work... another saying I can't stand. ha. We're all special. We're all capable of good things. We just need to take the time to listen to others. listen to the world around us. domestic violence month is October, child abuse month is april, breast cancer awareness month is october, aids awareness month is december...etc.... everything has a month, but why only one?

**this post is dedicated to those who survived, those who are surviving and those who didn't survive.
they are our loved ones, our daughters, our sons, our brothers, sisters, cousins, aunts, mothers, friends, coworkers, peers**

I got flowers today.
It wasn't my birthday or any other special day.
We had our first argument last night,
And he said a lot of cruel things that really hurt me.
I know he is sorry and didn't mean the things he said.
Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today.
It wasn't our anniversary or any other special day.
Last night, he threw me into a wall and started to choke me.
It seemed like a nightmare.
I couldn't believe it was real.
I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over.
I know he must be sorry.
Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today,
And it wasn't Mother's Day or any other special day.
Last night, he beat me up again.
And it was much worse than all the other times.
If I leave him, what will I do?
How will I take care of my kids?
What about money?
I'm afraid of him and scared to leave.
But I know he must be sorry.
Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today.
Today was a very special day.
It was the day of my funeral.
Last night, he finally killed me.
He beat me to death.
If only I had gathered enough courage
and strength to leave him,
I would not have gotten flowers...today
-P.Kelly-

hate. love. sittoo.

so it's been bothering me about my last post, about having so much hate inside me towards others and just sometimes life in general.. like how unfair it is sometimes, beyond our control. I don't want to come across as an unhappy cruel person, because I am happy, this is one of the most happy times of my adulthood thus far. We can all vent and be envious of other peoples lives sometimes, the good with the bad. I know that people die. We all do. And I know that the very bad people rotting in jail are peoples loved ones too, but they did very bad things, and naturally should be punished for what they have done...why do they get to live? why do they get three cooked meals a day? why do they get to have visitors? I can't visit you anymore, and it's just not fair. simple as that. I visit your headstone, even though I know you are not there. You are all around, you show up in the most happy times, when we are thinking about you or talking about you.

"You’ll get over it…” It’s the clichés that cause the trouble. To lose someone you love is to alter your life for ever. You don’t get over it because ‘it” is the person you loved. The pain hurts less...but the gap never closes. How could it?...This hole in my heart is in the shape of you and no-one else can fit it."

six years. its crazy how day to day nothing seems to change, but looking back on six years, my how things have changed, the people I've met, the jobs I've held, the relationships I've been in, the new friends I've made, the old friends I've lost, the cars I've bought, the places I've lived, the places I've visited...so many stories, so many memories that I can't share with you. If only you could see me now, part of you might be shocked at the stuff I've done and changed, but I know that deep down you'd be proud and you'd be happy and you'd be supportive. I wish I knew what you would think of all of this, and what you would say to me..if you could be here now. We all wish you could be here now. I never thought I'd miss the sound of someones voice the way I do, the way you answered the phone and we'd always laugh, the way you went down the line of your childrens' names to get to the right one you were trying to talk to or about...your voice, your smell. two of the things I miss most. funny, because you'd think it would be your cooking, but mom has stepped it up a bit... it's crazy how much leb food she cooks these days. maybe it's the house, maybe it's you. It is the house, it is you. maybe it's her way of missing you, cooking like you used to. six years. love you. miss you. thinking of you always.