surrender: to stop resisting

Surrender. The topic of last night's meeting...

SUR-REN-DER

: to agree, to stop fighting, hiding, resisting, etc., because you know that you will not win or succeed. 

: to give the control or use of (something) to someone else

: to allow something (such as a habit or desire) to influence or control you

Pretty self explanatory within the definition of the word. Something that controls you, it can be chocolate, running, exercising, drugs, and or alcohol among a bunch of other things. It could be anything really, the list is endless. When is that moment of surrendering? Is it the same day we become sober, or free of these controls? Not necessarily the same day, but perhaps it happens just soon before we realize that we have had enough. 

When is enough enough? When will you reach your rock bottom? 

Everyone's rock bottom is different as I have said in previous blogs. Until you have enough of that gut wrenching pain you won't stop, you just won't stop whatever it is that is controlling you. That thing  that has such great influence over you and your life's choices. Until you have had so much pain and hurt, and then some more pain, will you stop and surrender?

How do I surrender when people who love me most don't think I even have a drinking problem? How do I surrender when I'm not court ordered to do so or sentenced to a rehab or detox facility? How do I surrender when no one thinks I have to? "Maybe things just were getting out of hand and you need to slow down, or maybe in a few months you can have a few drinks or one or two here and there." And then there were those who spoke out to me after I had told them about quitting drinking and attending AA meetings, who were ever so thankful in hearing all that about me because my drinking made them nervous. Why hadn't they spoken out before?

Why didn't loved ones see I had a problem, and more importantly why did it take me so long to realize there was a serious problem. A serious problem that probably would have been more serious if there weren't those five years of taking care of other people too much, that I was too tired to drink, or go out and party and have a good time, because before and after those five years, I seemed to know how to go out and have a good time, or what I thought was a good time. A good time with alcohol, a good time with hiding my feelings, covering up my pain. If you follow this blog at all, you know the heartaches I have endured in my short time on this planet Earth. By the age of 22, I had lost a significant amount of people in my family to death, been part of two eulogies, lost friendships without closure and so forth...all of which are enough to make most people go crazy. I sure as heck went crazy with my alcohol at some point in time these past two years or so.  I went crazy enough to know that always joking about the possibility of becoming an alcoholic was just right in front of me, closer than ever. My dad and his dad were both alcoholics, and my dad's mom, always went to al-anon meetings for family members of alcoholics. 

They talked a lot about pain last night. Everyone in that room is so very different , comes from every walk of life possible and perhaps would not cross paths otherwise, but we all have a common denominator: a shared trait. Alcohol is ours, but for some it's drugs and whatever else. It's not necessarily the drinking or drugs that are the problem... It's you, it starts with you and will end with you; with us, and only ourselves. 

We drink or drug to hide our feelings and deal with life. Life is the problem and we need to learn better ways of dealing with it than those that harm ourselves, like drugs and alcohol do, or will end up doing if we don't put a stop to it. I'm fortunate enough to have never killed anyone while buzzed driving or probably drunk driving, and driving my friends home, not remembering I even did that the next mornings. Some people are just not social drinkers, or social smokers, some people actually get addicted to these things, because really everything can be addictive if you have that kind of personality. We can't help it, it's in our genes, it's the way we were built. What we can do, is do other things, find other things and ways of dealing with our feelings and life's crazy messes, heartaches, as well as the celebrations and happiness. To all of us in that room, the only way we know or maybe have ever known to deal with sadness and to celebrate happy times is with alcohol and/or drugs. 

How do I surrender without people's support? That's exactly it, you have to hit rock bottom on your own, so it makes sense to have to surrender on your own. When you surround yourself with people who do the same things you do, they are not going to be the ones to stop you or necessarily draw attention to your problems, but rather all talk and laugh the next day about not remembering what we did the night before, and/or passing out in their passenger seat of the car while they are driving you home. Nor is it their responsibility to take care of you or tell you that you have a problem with whatever it is. After all, it is the hardest to tell the ones we love how we care about them or may be concerned with them. Why would you want to potentially push the ones we love, have fun with and want in our lives away? Why would you want the possibility of them leaving your life, but then again, if you don't say something, that next drink, or drug could be their last. 

Yeah, my alcohol addiction wasn't as severe as most, but we can't compare ourselves, just like I have written lots about before. You compare you to you and only you. Everyone's rock bottom is different. If you are feeling sad, or hurt, or angry and push people away, don't want to be around anyone anymore...those may be a few signs you are having a problem. Why there is such a stigma on people with "problems" is beyond me, because we all have them!! 

Pain and love, there are so many forms of these two words. Pain could be self inflicting to make us feel better, or pain could be the knife in your back from your best friend, or sadness, anger and hurt. Love is tricky too. Love is not always kind and genuine. Love is supposed to be sweet and happy and all those good feelings inside. How do we have or show unconditional love, loving someone no matter what they do in their own lives, but supporting them, with no limitations or conditions, if we disagree with their life choices, or their lack of better life choices to get the help they need. Especially when people hurt you or make you feel badly about yourself, that is not what love is supposed to feel like. Love can be mistaken for many things in many different forms of relationships. Love can be misleading, unappreciated and being taken advantage of. 

Tough love: love or concern for another that is expressed in a strict way especially to make someone behave responsibly. In my case, I gave myself tough love. I can do this, I can make better life choices even against those who may not agree with me at first. Tough love can also be between us and those we love the most, even those we brought into this world. When people reach certain ages, we have laws that make them adults, and sometimes those laws get in the way of helping the ones who really need it but won't help themselves. So we just give give give, hoping that one day all our love will cure them, when really they need some real genuine unconditional tough love. 

Getting help on your own is hard enough, but why would you refuse help that is being handed to you. Why would you treat the people who love you the most the worst?  We can't help people if they don't want to help themselves. We can't help the people we love most, even if we are their mothers, fathers, or sisters. We just can't help anyone but ourselves, and that may be the most painful thing of all when we have people so close to us hurting so very badly. 

We can't enable either, because if people have no responsibilities, everything easily handed to them, why would they want to change? Why would people want to change their lives, make it harder even if that hardness is just a little while longer. In previous posts, I have mentioned going out and buying my dog, because I needed something to be responsible for, I needed something in my life to depend on me, and me not depend on them. 


I'm not an expert, I don't have all the answers, but there is one thing I do know for sure, and that is how great life is with sobriety. I don't have something in my life that is in control any longer. I don't wake up hungover, I'm not driving up to ATM's and withdrawing money from my account that I don't have to go meet people for drinks, and I am surely not waking up in my own urine soaked jeans hours later. 

 Some say the 24 hour to 29 day coin they hand out at the meetings is the most important coin and you only have to get it once. I don't have that coin, but I do have the 3, 4, 5, and 6 month coins. I only have to get those coins once too. Surrendering hurts, it's ugly and painful, as if you haven't had enough pain and ugly in your life, but we must do it. We must do it on our own, knowing that no matter what we have done in our pasts, we can always make amends. It's a much brighter side of things when you surrender. No one promised me it would be easy, no one promised me anything, but unconditional love and support. Life is so much better for me now that I am sober and making my own choices, rather than living with something making the choices for me. 

twelve promises

Last night.... Tuesday night and where else would we be at 6:30? I love going to meetings! Free therapy! Each week just seems to get better too so that's a plus! We went to eat before the meeting and instead of getting back on the bike, I just walked around the corner. So like every Tuesday night, the regulars are outside before the start smoking their butts or chitchatting, and a few were puzzled when they saw only miss get off the motorcycle! Haha..."wait you're not the one who needs it, but you're more than welcome to keep coming," he said, As he was looking around for me. Ha! So little by little we talk and chat and laugh before the meeting with others, it's nice!!

Sitting in our usual seats...he comes over to me and hands me the twelve promises he wants me to read (as someone is picked every week to read) at the end of the meeting, the guy I love hearing speak..well one of the guys I love hearing  speak who is chairing the meeting. Of course I'll read them. I'm blushing and sweating and smiling away at Miss sitting beside me!!! :-) 

The topic last night was fellowship, and to be honest not sure of the exact dictionary definition but it doesn't matter. It's about people uniting together for good causes, it's about people not judging one another and trying to help each other for the better, it's about support and trust and friendships! The people within these halls.

I spoke again! I spoke in the last ten minutes or so. I raised my hand to give my two sense for the second time!  And again I don't remember word for word but it felt awesome!!! I spoke about the past three months being in these meetings...and being sober the last six months, it hasn't been easy especially in the beginning but since these meetings and the no judgements I have been slowly feeling that much better! I spoke with more ease and confidence, only getting choked up once this time!  Haa. Someone said it before at a meeting, that people within these halls are the normal ones. And how true is that. Every day struggles and life hopes and dreams and problems and heartaches. I continued to say...how great would it be if everyone came to these meetings. I've been in counseling for years and this is just different! It's awesome and I don't have a 20 dollar copay! Even better! But just appreciated the people in the halls and the welcoming you get every single time. I have never been ashamed of going to therapy or afraid to say it and I'm not afraid to say I go to aa meetings because I do tell people that so yeah that's about all that was. It felt good! 

At the end of the meeting, people were gathered around outside and we stopped to talk to a guy who was just up in Maine for vacation. So naturally, Miss had to stop and chat but I'm glad she did because no sooner did the chairperson tonight come out and find me. He said "Lianne  I'm glad you're still here because I wanted to tell you that if you don't see that you've come a long way in the three months you've been here then we sure have seen it!!" It felt awesome and my eyes instantly watered. I love what he has to say every time he shares so coming from him was a greater compliment. He said one suggestion though, get rid of the word only. It's not only three months or only six months! There is no such word! 

One day at a time!  :-)

"IT IS AWESOME"

I don't even know where to begin… Life has been really good this past week and a half, almost two weeks. Vacation at the beach house with friends and family, it was tough playing mini-Robin (my mother…the beach house hostess with the mostess, except she wasn't there, it was me and Miss doing the entertaining and hosting, and I loved every second of it!!) for about a week. It was an emotional time for me, when hasn't it been an emotional time for me these past eight, almost nine months since Miss has entered my life again, but just because it's emotional, doesn't mean it's a bad thing. 

The beginning of this past week would have been my Sittoo's (arabic for grandmother, since we are Lebanese) 85th birthday! That means she has been gone for ten years this August 29th! So hard to believe, where does the time go, what have I been through, what have we been through without her part of our family? The end of the week was a celebration of Life Memorial for Miss' grandfather who passed away this February while we were visiting her parents, uncle and Nana down in Myrtle Beach. The room was filled with laughter, hugs, smiles, and sweet sounds of 50s and 60s music in the background that Miss put to a video of pictures throughout years and years of his lifetime. It was bittersweet. 

We had taken a walk down the beach the night before the family memorial gathering, at sunset, just Miss and I and it was perfect. It was the perfect night for dancing on the beach to our future wedding song as she played it on her iPhone, my eyes never left hers. Tears rolled down my face for the anticipation for the memorial, and heartache she must feel but hardly explains to me, nor does she really have to because I have been through so much loss myself, but I am always here to listen and hold her. Tears for my own sweet sorrow and loss as well, because with time it only hurts a little less. All good things must come to an end, and so we were ever so grateful for the week we had to share with such great friends and family, and we really started twining them together like an ivy plant growing and twisting around a tree or a stick you put in the plant to keep it upright. Our families and friends are becoming one in our lives and it's a pretty great feeling. 

The only thing missing from that week were my brothers and the opportunities for them to bond and get to know her family as we will become one family very soon this December. I have to remember that they are at different places in their lives, and as much as it hurts, I can't dwell and dwell over something I can't change. They know I care about them greatly and wish them help and peace in their present days; however, I am not one to change anyone but myself. We come from different paths and families, Miss and I, and with that conversation came some realizations and facts that my family is just younger than hers, and when you have children like all her siblings do, you grow up a little faster, you have different responsibilities, and little people depend on you.  Eventually you have to take care of yourself in order to take care of little ones who know no other way than to be taken care of by their parents. So maybe someday, maybe someday before they have little ones of their own, they will do whatever they need to grow up, and realize that today is truly a gift, one must live it to the fullest, surround yourself with those you love and things you love doing, because someday, somehow, you will look around, and it will all be gone. 

"Compare me to me" was said at the meeting tonight. It's these little sayings, the littlest things, the most simple things, and your life will be wonderfilled, as she said when she signed my first AA book two weeks ago. Simply wonderful. I have been going to AA meetings for exactly 3 months, and today I earned my 6 month coin!!! But let's back up to before the meeting even started…Miss and I were greeted in the front of the church with hugs and smiles and conversation about life, work and children. We missed last weeks meeting while beaching it, but it was definitely thought about by both of us. I love her support, I love how she also loves the meetings. It felt great tonight. It felt great to see everyone again, and it had only been a week. The familiar faces, the laughter that I just can't describe until you've heard it yourself, the judgment left at the door, and the embraces, handshakes and hello agains. I stood up big and tall today as I walked down an aisle of seats to go earn my 6 month coin, a shiny blue that resembles the color of our bridesmaid dresses!! More hugs, and handshakes on the way back to my seat. For this was the first time, I didn't go back and sit quietly, the smile on my face spoke more than words could say for this accomplishment. I knew I had to speak tonight or I would regret it. Just the other day, my old boss mentioned to me how impressed she was with my sobriety!

As I sat in my chair tonight, the same two seats we have been sitting in since April 1st, I couldn't stop smiling first off, and secondly, I gathered my thoughts as the chairperson was talking about life after sobriety and beginners and all the hard stuff in the beginning being so worth it if you truly take one day at a time. What was I going to talk about in such a short blurb? What if I say too much, or too little? Do I have to explain my background and why and how I got here? A few people spoke…and with my eyes on the clock, my ears wide open, and my mind racing with thoughts I could put together if and when I was actually called on to speak, there it was. He called my name to speak. I heard my name, but it took me a second since all that I had in my head seemed to just disappear. 

So I started, "Hi my name is Lianne, and I'm an alcoholic." The echo of everyone, "Hi Lianne." And so there it was, the moment I had been waiting for, all eyes on me. Right away I apologized for how emotional I was and would be, haha, no surprise there for those reading who know me at all!! I've had bigger audiences than this before, at dance recitals year after years, and just last year under the beaming hot lights on stage for national coming out day at clark university this past october, but this…this was different, not sure how, but it just was, perhaps because it's still fairly fresh, fresh in my heart, mind and everyday life. That's just it, it's been six months, but not an easy six months. Life isn't easy though, so just talk about it, everyone is listening. All eyes and ears on me. You would think I would remember exactly what I said, but I just remember bits and pieces and I'll always remember how I felt. I felt deserving, so deserving of my seat in these meetings, these small church halls filled with so much support and hope and genuine kindness. 

Staying on topic, I spoke about my life thus far, life after booze. It was December 29, and I just didn't have a drink that day, nothing ever said about me quitting. December 29, turned into not drinking december 30, and so on, and since Miss doesn't drink, not drinking on New Years Eve was no big deal either. It was a rough few months, I was miserable and just having a hard time, without getting into much detail, I explained work and friends. I worked with some of the best people, but you take alcohol out of the equation and what did we have left. I found myself miserable and irritated, quite honestly not knowing why. But there was a common theme still even without drinking, and that was everyone I worked with who I had partied with very frequently were still talking about their drinking weekends and plans, and it just wasn't the same. I tried being the same and setting up "book clubs" with old coworkers and new to get together after work, but for whatever reasons it just didn't work out, which I'm not sure how I felt about it then, but maybe it was for the best. I have heard at recent meetings, and typed it in previous blogs, that we must stay away from our playmates and playground, and although I didn't drink at work, I drank many many nights and weekends with those I worked with, feeling hurt and miserable by lack of communication and comments of me drinking water, or so forth, I needed to do something about it sooner or later because it just wasn't fair to the kids I worked with, the coworkers or myself if I would continue this misery during the week but I would be having a blast on the weekends. 

Change is hard, I said, as I choked up. No one wants to change, but like I said things change, and in six months, I have seen a lot of change. So I'm not sure how I ended up here in these meetings, but ironically my first meeting was April Fools Day, and I have gone to other meetings since as well, but it's these tuesday night meetings I find I am most comfortable, and supported. I have since changed jobs, and although the pay may be a little less or equal to, my mental health is far more important at this time in my life. Putting yourself first isn't easy, but it's the necessary thing to do for any kind of happiness and sobriety in life. "Thanks Lianne," and it was break time. I couldn't stop smiling or sweating while I remained seated near Miss, as she put her arm around me and said she was so proud of me. A guy came over to me, who I hadn't spoken with before but see frequently at these meetings, and he shook my hand, reassured me that the guilt and resentment will go away, and one can't worry about what other people say or think, you are being true to yourself and that's all that matters. He said it in a very loving grizzly bear kind of grandfather way, a little more grizzly on the outside but a softy on the inside I'm sure. Another guy who had high-fived me after my coin, said congratulations again. After break the meeting continued, and a few people who spoke made references to me and what I had said, it felt amazing!! As if the night couldn't get any better…we ended the night as always with the raffle and a prayer holding hands in a circle. The raffle was called and it was ME!!!!!! I WON THE RAFFLE!!!! The last three digits were 075… the 5!!!!!!!! That's our number. and today's date, 7/1….7-1=6…6 months sober!!!!!!! 

Craziness. As if I couldn't smile anymore. We joined hands, with my raffle ticket and coin in my hand still, then I proceeded to pick up some chairs to put away as always, when the person chairing, came over to me with the book I had won, titled Living Sober. He asked me if I had this book, when I said no, he said ok good. It's a great book and what you were talking about tonight about friendships and hardships you go through to get sober, it's a simple easy read and just filled with really good stuff. He said good to see you girls tonight and as we headed to the door, another guy, who I haven't seen before also told me, "it was good to hear ya tonight." 

It was good to talk tonight, it was a great talk, a great night.