What a month it has been and it's only half way through. To say we have been busy is an understatement these days, if it's not one thing it's another…weddings, trips to Maine to visit family and friends, birthday dinners and parties, vacation at the beach house and starting a new job.
It's been quite the emotionally, stressful and bittersweet past few weeks, or months maybe I should say that led me to this point in deciding a new job at this point in my life is best. I knew I was getting burnt out, I knew I needed a change, not sure why it was happening or what exactly else I would be good at doing, but I knew I wasn't being good at this anymore for whatever reasons and that's not fair to the people I work with, and especially the children I work directly with on a day to day basis. I was having fun, having a blast on the weekends with my sober life…figuring out things to do together sober, and also just not having enough time to worry about what to do because we are surrounded by family at get togethers, dinners and birthday celebrations! The aa meeting last tuesday was packed to the max, probably only a few seats empty. It was there that I heard "people places and things," "you have to stay away from people, places and things." I am not sure how you do that considering those things are all around you; however, Ted said it best a few minutes later when he was talking about the end of his drinking days and how he wanted to stop drinking at that point simply because it wasn't fun any longer, he just didn't know how. So with his story, he also said "you have to stay away from your playmates and playgrounds." That made sense to me, maybe not that night, but with some more thought about it, it couldn't have been more true. Not because I want to stay away and lose friendships, but in order to keep the changes positive, you can't be going to the same bars, same restaurants with the same people you used to drink with, how then does the obsession of drinking go away, it just can't.
With all that said, I gave my two week notice at the place I have held the longest employment thus far. Five plus years of many many monday through fridays with the same faces, same routine, and expectations. Five plus years… my longest work relationship thus far!! This was supposed to be a career, a place I could maybe see myself retiring from, but it turned into something it wasn't and for whatever reasons, I need to move on. So as unexpected and very sudden it may have come to some of my coworkers, it was the same abrupt feeling for me too. If I have learned anything these past five years working in the school system, and struggling in my personal life with my own failed engagement, relationships, and so forth and come out of it alive and well and happy, then I shouldn't be afraid of change and what the future brings. If I have learned anything these past five plus years, it's that when the time comes to put yourself first, to take care of yourself, then you must and there isn't anything else to say but that you must put yourself first at times, it's not easy, but no one will treat you better than you can treat yourself, love yourself and respect yourself. I'm not saying I'm still not trying to do all those things better each and every day, but you get what I am saying.
This past week, things have been put into perspective for me, shed a new light on certain situations. Miss and I come from different households, different places, have had different experiences and such, but mostly we are very similar types of people. We want the same things for ourselves and our future of one day hoping to have a family together someway somehow, and experience new things and new places together, we want to be happy. Happy isn't just a smile on our faces after a good weekend. Happy together is being able to compromise, communicate, share, trust and respect when times are good bad and ugly. We have both experienced significant loss in our lives, and she has come face to face with almost losing her best friend, two years ago around this time of year when her best friend was fighting to stay alive. Miss has also lost her ability to work, run and play like she used to do because of an every day routine mail delivery when she was working as a mail carrier, and took a little step off a porch that just so happened to be a little ditch she couldn't see covered by leaves. A little fall changed her life. What I am getting at is she puts things in perspective for me every single day, but this past week was intense and perhaps just what I needed to get through my own stuff going on in my head.
AHHHH, if I could just get out of my own head every great while, life would be so much easier sometimes. Why am I worrying about all the things that don't matter, worry shouldn't even exist. Life is far far too short, as I have seen with so many deaths over the years of loved ones lives ending far earlier than their years. Can you imagine living without worry? Worry about where I am going to live, where we are going to live when my parents sell the house, who cares…we will move in with them and save money for a place of our own, at least we have parents that are willing and can help us out with this. Worrying about never being able to be a mom, to be pregnant. I shouldn't worry but it's hard to not think about it. I am healthy to date as far as I know from being to the doctors more frequently these past few months than ever; I can walk, talk, and play and run if I want to. I can do all these things and more, and with the support and love from both our families, we can do anything we want to these days. So imagine if the worry all went away, what would change in our lives, for the better?!?
I have had the best weekends of my life, and I say that to her every weekend, "this is the best weekend ever, thank you!" and she says to me, "I'm pretty sure you said that about last weekend, hahaha." Well then so what if I did, right? It's time to start having the best days of my life not just the weekends. How do we do that… for me, I need to be more positive, how in the heck do I do that, I need to surround myself with people who encourage that positivity, who love and support me in all that I do. Instead of to do lists, I should write gratitude lists, and lists of all the things I have, rather than those things I do not have, or not have yet. Eight years ago I got Russell because I couldn't stand people anymore, all the loss in my life, and all the pain of trying to find love, I needed someone who depended on me, I needed a reason to get up in the morning. And now eight years later, I am marrying someone who doesn't like animals, how does that work. It works with great patience, lots of communication and discipline. Proof that just because something may be fate and meant to be, love still requires patience, communication, respect, trust and understanding.
He was my reason for still feeling needed in the world, and you are my reason I didn't give up on everyone, didn't give up on finding a reason for feeling loved in the world, not by a dog, but by another human being. I love you Bebs!!!!!
6.15.2014
6.04.2014
pretty pink coin
If everyone went to open discussions AA meetings, the world may just be a happier place. If there were meetings titled miserable people meetings, would people show up? Is that enough of a reason to go to a therapy like setting, and a free one at that? maybe, maybe not. There was so much laughter in the room last night, it was so good to hear. That's the thing….these AA meetings are anything but depressing.
Last night's topic was from a horoscope about attitude. If you have the right attitude, and surround yourself with the right kind of people for you, and stuff like that. I forget word for word but you get the idea. The person who volunteers to chair and run the meeting chooses a topic, tells their story and then opens it up for discussion. I was hesitant to raise my hand in the beginning, so I didn't. As the night went on and I heard more stories about this topic, my hand crept up slowly. I didn't speak tonight. I chickened out at the end when we were running out of time. I will talk, I will talk sometime soon. However, tonight, I did go up in the beginning to receive my 5 month coin! On the way back to my chair, I got a high five from Sam, who I'm pretty sure whistled again. Oh, and Paula said I had a nice smile in the beginning of the meeting. At break time, Alex shook my hand as well as a few others passing by said their big congratulations!
It's a pretty light pink coin with the number 5 in the middle among some encouraging words and on the flip side of the coin, it is the serenity prayer. A prayer we often end the meetings with in a circle holding hands. I played with the coin all night, tossing the idea around of speaking at last nights meeting. Til next time though.
Attitude. People spoke of many things I could relate to as usual. People spoke about troubled work experiences or people at work that irritated them; people spoke of life at a certain age, what's left for them and people spoke about having bad days, which really didn't seem so bad, like forgetting that their car was at Monroe for an oil change instead of elsewhere which led them to call the cops thinking their car was stolen. It's all about attitude. The people you hang around can make or break it, as well as your own personal attitude on things, anything!
It's so hard to stay in the present. I have never been one to easily do that. I hold grudges, I don't forget easily, and I have had a lot of loss in my life, so what's there to be so positive about all the time?! For the mother and father who I still have in my life and are still married, for my siblings, my family members who are living and well and healthy for the most part, for my amazing fiancé who has taught me a lot about myself and being in a healthy loving relationship, and for my health for the most part is good too. There are lots of things to be thankful for, I get that, and I have always been thankful for things and people in my life. The world makes it so easy to focus on the bad and the negative, but all that negativity can become so draining and ugly.
I have cried (and laughed) more in the past seven months, genuinely laughed and cried. I think it's because for so long, I didn't have time to cry or laugh or really be there for myself. I had always been in relationships which required me to take care of other people, financially, emotionally, or just enough of everything else that I never put Lianne first. So when I did, when I finally had enough grieving of past failed relationships and engagements, I kept going to the gym and partied, a lot. I went to work because that's what you do, then the gym because I was determined even though the scale didn't say much, and partied a lot. Almost every weekend, at least every two weeks, there would be a reason to celebrate or just a ladies night at a local bar I would go to. There were nights I didn't remember driving friends home. How lucky I was to have never injured myself let alone another human being. "Let's go have a drink after work," "What are you doing this weekend, let's go out for a drink!" or "Sure why not." I never stopped at one, or two, or three for that matter most times. It wasn't like years before when I would pour myself a drink to unwind after the work day, only to fall asleep on the couch with it half consumed. So yeah, I only drank heavily for maybe the past year and a half or almost two, but that's not the point. The point of all this is that looking back, I don't remember a time when I didn't drink much. I hardly never drank in high school, I was way too scared of that, and it took me some time to start drinking in college too, but I got the hang of it. Who doesn't bring some malibu rum mixed with fruit punch in a clear water bottle to their 11:15am class on a Tuesday morning of their 21st birthday? yum! There were some times I may have embarrassed myself a little more than usual but who doesn't go through all of that when they are drinking and having fun? I could go on and on, but the point that I am trying to make is at the end of my drinking days, it wasn't fun anymore. It was like a chore that required many naps before I started. It would start out fun, and then someone would just end up crying or being too emotional, or be too drunk to function and pass out. When did I not care about driving buzzed or drunk? Where was that little girl in high school or even college that was so scared of the law and getting in trouble….what happened to her when she was drinking? Alcohol was my choice drug that's all. I was self medicating myself because I had more than enough time on my hands to dwell on the past like I do and wonder if I'd be alone for the rest of my life too. I had all the time in the world, and only had to get up to go to work, then the rest of the day and night were mine.
These past five months, I have been struggling with the feelings of not being fun. I'm no fun anymore since I'm not drinking, or what's there to do with people and other couples other than drink? There are lots of people who don't drink, I remember one guy saying in a meeting a few weeks ago. There are? because I only know a select few, including my dad and my fiancé. Where are those people? I need to find those people. It's funny that I cancelled my therapist appointment Monday night, but I didn't think twice about how it's a busy week and maybe I should skip my Tuesday night meeting. Everyone should go to AA meetings, because these people are the most normal people I've ever met with everyday struggles and truth, but also personal victory stories, no matter how small or big they may be. It's all about attitude and finding those who help make your attitude better. So yesterday I started taking those steps in making my attitude better, even if that means more changes in the future. I can't be worried about where I'm going to live, or how I'm going to do this and that. I paid off my 34,000 dollar car loan finally and I sure as hell didn't think I'd be able to do that! I met someone I am truly happy with and am going to spend my life with. Love and life is about sacrifice, commitment, dedication, and strength. Be grateful for those who remain in your life no matter how crazy you may be, no matter how foolish or reckless you may have been, or how bitchy you come across because you are so frustrated with figuring things out, you forgot to live in this wonderful moment. I have a lot of things that others don't have, and if I sit here any longer naming the things that other's have that I don't, I'm going to continue to sabotage my relationships with people and more importantly myself.
Last night's topic was from a horoscope about attitude. If you have the right attitude, and surround yourself with the right kind of people for you, and stuff like that. I forget word for word but you get the idea. The person who volunteers to chair and run the meeting chooses a topic, tells their story and then opens it up for discussion. I was hesitant to raise my hand in the beginning, so I didn't. As the night went on and I heard more stories about this topic, my hand crept up slowly. I didn't speak tonight. I chickened out at the end when we were running out of time. I will talk, I will talk sometime soon. However, tonight, I did go up in the beginning to receive my 5 month coin! On the way back to my chair, I got a high five from Sam, who I'm pretty sure whistled again. Oh, and Paula said I had a nice smile in the beginning of the meeting. At break time, Alex shook my hand as well as a few others passing by said their big congratulations!
It's a pretty light pink coin with the number 5 in the middle among some encouraging words and on the flip side of the coin, it is the serenity prayer. A prayer we often end the meetings with in a circle holding hands. I played with the coin all night, tossing the idea around of speaking at last nights meeting. Til next time though.
Attitude. People spoke of many things I could relate to as usual. People spoke about troubled work experiences or people at work that irritated them; people spoke of life at a certain age, what's left for them and people spoke about having bad days, which really didn't seem so bad, like forgetting that their car was at Monroe for an oil change instead of elsewhere which led them to call the cops thinking their car was stolen. It's all about attitude. The people you hang around can make or break it, as well as your own personal attitude on things, anything!
It's so hard to stay in the present. I have never been one to easily do that. I hold grudges, I don't forget easily, and I have had a lot of loss in my life, so what's there to be so positive about all the time?! For the mother and father who I still have in my life and are still married, for my siblings, my family members who are living and well and healthy for the most part, for my amazing fiancé who has taught me a lot about myself and being in a healthy loving relationship, and for my health for the most part is good too. There are lots of things to be thankful for, I get that, and I have always been thankful for things and people in my life. The world makes it so easy to focus on the bad and the negative, but all that negativity can become so draining and ugly.
I have cried (and laughed) more in the past seven months, genuinely laughed and cried. I think it's because for so long, I didn't have time to cry or laugh or really be there for myself. I had always been in relationships which required me to take care of other people, financially, emotionally, or just enough of everything else that I never put Lianne first. So when I did, when I finally had enough grieving of past failed relationships and engagements, I kept going to the gym and partied, a lot. I went to work because that's what you do, then the gym because I was determined even though the scale didn't say much, and partied a lot. Almost every weekend, at least every two weeks, there would be a reason to celebrate or just a ladies night at a local bar I would go to. There were nights I didn't remember driving friends home. How lucky I was to have never injured myself let alone another human being. "Let's go have a drink after work," "What are you doing this weekend, let's go out for a drink!" or "Sure why not." I never stopped at one, or two, or three for that matter most times. It wasn't like years before when I would pour myself a drink to unwind after the work day, only to fall asleep on the couch with it half consumed. So yeah, I only drank heavily for maybe the past year and a half or almost two, but that's not the point. The point of all this is that looking back, I don't remember a time when I didn't drink much. I hardly never drank in high school, I was way too scared of that, and it took me some time to start drinking in college too, but I got the hang of it. Who doesn't bring some malibu rum mixed with fruit punch in a clear water bottle to their 11:15am class on a Tuesday morning of their 21st birthday? yum! There were some times I may have embarrassed myself a little more than usual but who doesn't go through all of that when they are drinking and having fun? I could go on and on, but the point that I am trying to make is at the end of my drinking days, it wasn't fun anymore. It was like a chore that required many naps before I started. It would start out fun, and then someone would just end up crying or being too emotional, or be too drunk to function and pass out. When did I not care about driving buzzed or drunk? Where was that little girl in high school or even college that was so scared of the law and getting in trouble….what happened to her when she was drinking? Alcohol was my choice drug that's all. I was self medicating myself because I had more than enough time on my hands to dwell on the past like I do and wonder if I'd be alone for the rest of my life too. I had all the time in the world, and only had to get up to go to work, then the rest of the day and night were mine.
These past five months, I have been struggling with the feelings of not being fun. I'm no fun anymore since I'm not drinking, or what's there to do with people and other couples other than drink? There are lots of people who don't drink, I remember one guy saying in a meeting a few weeks ago. There are? because I only know a select few, including my dad and my fiancé. Where are those people? I need to find those people. It's funny that I cancelled my therapist appointment Monday night, but I didn't think twice about how it's a busy week and maybe I should skip my Tuesday night meeting. Everyone should go to AA meetings, because these people are the most normal people I've ever met with everyday struggles and truth, but also personal victory stories, no matter how small or big they may be. It's all about attitude and finding those who help make your attitude better. So yesterday I started taking those steps in making my attitude better, even if that means more changes in the future. I can't be worried about where I'm going to live, or how I'm going to do this and that. I paid off my 34,000 dollar car loan finally and I sure as hell didn't think I'd be able to do that! I met someone I am truly happy with and am going to spend my life with. Love and life is about sacrifice, commitment, dedication, and strength. Be grateful for those who remain in your life no matter how crazy you may be, no matter how foolish or reckless you may have been, or how bitchy you come across because you are so frustrated with figuring things out, you forgot to live in this wonderful moment. I have a lot of things that others don't have, and if I sit here any longer naming the things that other's have that I don't, I'm going to continue to sabotage my relationships with people and more importantly myself.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)