I cried last night in AA. I was completely vulnerable. The topic was confusion. Confusing things when you first started coming to AA. I talked about how confusing it is that I'd rather be at a meeting than at my parents house. That is confusing to me. I talked about how my relationship with my mom is different yet other family members were glad I stopped drinking with no questions. Also confused about that, and why they didn't reach out when I was drinking. Drinking or not drinking is not the problem, it was my medicine. It made me numb to things I didn't want to feel. I didn't want to think I'd be alone forever or that I had already had many failed relationships and after seven years of living on my own, out from underneath my parents roof, that is where I found myself. Until this past year or so, but still sort of under my parents roof, just the one they don't live under but still own. I am in the process of buying a house with my fiancé, in the process of getting married, planning my honeymoon, enjoying my bachelorette and bridal shower weekend! This is the happiest time of my life so why am I crying.
I am sick of feeling like I need to explain myself. I am frustrated with the way I feel when I walk in my parents house, the atmosphere or something in the air, and suddenly my mood changes. I don't get it. I was so happy the whole way there yesterday!
People spoke after me, after my first emotional breakdown at AA last night. This lady spoke to me pretty much when she spoke about families and her relationships with her family. "Family and loved ones should be happy and excited that you are not drinking anymore, at least that's what they say, but not everyone may be as excited as you are that you have stopped drinking...this one family member didn't get it for the longest time and was sad and upset, and she didn't have her drinking buddy anymore...hang in there, it will get better. Your relationships will be different but that doesn't mean they will be worse, it just takes time for people to see."
Everything happened all at once. I started dating Miss and then we got engaged, I stopped drinking, I changed my job, We are looking at houses and in the process of hopefully closing on a house...Things are happening for us! Things are looking up for me...I no longer wake up hung over and forget my nights of so called fun for me, I drank to get drunk, how is that fun? I no longer take naps for no reason, I no longer sit at home by myself waiting for friends to call or drink by myself.
My life may be busy and changing, and in that time of change things are exciting.
No one is changing me, no one forced me to AA, it was my decision. And that fact that some "friends" even questioned that to me makes me so hurt. There is nothing wrong with me and not drinking. I didn't lose all my friends, so obviously I am not the problem. And people said it last night in AA, and my therapist said it months ago, people you used to drink with may feel more uncomfortable than you with you not drinking anymore.
I am LOVING my life! All the things I have done in the past year...it blows my mind!
I have ridden and even drove a motorcycle and I love going for rides on the bike!! I have searched for houses and found one and am taking a risk, cause that's what you do, there isn't going to be the perfect house, but we will make it perfect for us, if I don't try, I will never know. I have been in my best friends wedding, the only wedding I have ever been in and I was maid of honor!! People are gathering this weekend for us, because we are getting married! I'm getting married this year! I had a weeks vacation with family and friends and we hosted, it was awesome! I rode in a helicopter, I rode on one of the biggest ferris wheels ever and I hate ferris wheels. I have nieces and nephews now that like hanging around me, I conquered more fears of heights and scary roller coaster rides. I am enjoying life in so many more ways than going out every friday night and/or saturday night and drinking within four walls with a bunch of strangers. I am enjoying my friends, I still get invited places and am included in get togethers with or without alcohol there, because they are just hanging out and playing yard games and laughing with each other without the intention of getting drunk. I have gone kayaking, I have gone tubing, I slept in a tent! I drove a golf cart! I enjoy wildlife and taking pictures of deer and bunnies! I saw my first moose! I took pictures in a silly photo booth at a carnival. I went to a state fair with carnival rides, crazy amount of food booths, and live animals, petting zoos and absolutely loved it!
This is just the beginning!!!!! Good things are still ahead for the two of us.
"Things will get better, you have too many other things to worry about..."
"Remember there is only you, remember that"
"Things are happening for you, and if it all makes you happy, then you keep doing it..."
9.17.2014
9.04.2014
what if
smells of eggplant parm cooking in my mom's kitchen and it's all because of us. I love it. I love the invitations being sent out to people who are coming together because of us. I love us. So much going on and I still can't believe it's September! Our wedding is right around the corner!! Registries complete and being viewed by our families and friends, gathering and packing up wedding stuff so it's all ready for set up on the day of or day before our wedding, and more and more details being decided on and completed. All the while, we are going back and forth all day everyday with realtors, lawyers and mortgage brokers about a house that is for sale and contingent because we put in an offer and it was accepted, so let the negotiations begin. They have begun!!! It's nerve wracking and exciting, so exciting all at the same time. I know everyone is looking out for us and our best interest, but life is all about risks, and life is too short not to take this one. If it's meant to be, it will be, and god willing it will be. I am prepared either way, because quite honestly it hasn't even hit me that I was pre approved for a mortgage, let alone the bank telling me they are ready to go with the mortgage process and we are way closer to the final commitment letter than the pre approval process!!!!! It's an amazing feeling and I have learned a ton about houses and negotiating and finances than I have ever imagined. It's a waiting game, and I am trying hard to be patient, we both are trying to be patient. This was just an opportunity we couldn't pass up, and we are invested now, so why not keep going and see what happens.
If we live with all the what if's, where does that take us? how far does that get us? If there is something I learned (or reminded of again in a different way than death) and am still learning from having (re)met Missy, is that life is far too short to not do things we are passionate about or desire. I have always been a hard worker, and well this job I have now, don't get me wrong, way less stressful and just different from my last job, but this isn't my forever job, and we both know that; however, I can't help but give my 110% even if I am not getting overtime pay or health benefits. What is wrong with me? Does everyone have this kind of work ethic? Why stress out about stuff that I just can't get done in a day, all the extras I am asked to do? I need to stay focused on what is expected of me on a daily basis and that's that. It's a dog eat dog world out there, what does that even mean anyways? But it's true, I can still give this job my best work, but just do that my best, not above and beyond for what will be nothing in the long run. It doesn't grant my more money, more benefits or anything other than positive feedback and verbal praise, and unfortunately in this world, those things do not pay the bills, and I know this. I am and have always been a hard worker, but knowing what I know now about the system, people don't care what you did extra. You don't get anything from doing extra. Missy is screwed for lack of better terms, for the rest of her life, our life together, at a pay that rarely inflates, crap healthcare, oh wait...healthcare for the elderly even though she's in her 30s, but because of her disability she has to have medicare which pays nothing for anything, all the while, the guy who just flew in on a flight who knows who paid for it, from sudan or nigeria or wherever in Africa has clothes on his back, a roof over his head and food at the table, and most likely some kind of health benefits a little better than that Missy is getting who has paid her debt to this wonderful country, but gets nothing. Fuel assistance? Food stamps? Masshealth insurance? Nope, nope and nope, sorry, you make too much money. Too much money? Are you kidding me. She hasn't worked since 2007 and can't work because of the daily pain she is in, and if she did work from home with her own schedule, she would lose the income she does get from being disabled, so tell me how that is fair.
Don't get me wrong, I understand being a woman, and especially a gay woman in another country outside of our own, we would be treated terribly worse and have so much freedom in the U.S that we often take for granted. You never really know how messed up "the system" quite is without living in it. How is it that other countries in the world have free health care, and free college education for all, when living in the U.S your entire life and paying your taxes gets you less benefits than those traveling over to the U.S for the "american dream." I am frustrated and could go on and on, not really sure how I ended up on this topic, but apparently needing to get it out somehow, someway.
Money money money. If we wait for everything to get better or to be better, we are just waiting for nothing. Waiting and wasting. I've never been more confident in my risk taking, and never been more in love and happy with my relationship and with myself. I have been sober for eight months! That is a huge accomplishment. I have money in my savings account!! I own my very first car, paying off at least 97% of it on my own, with the help of my parents, on a car loan that the financial guy at Toyota said was the largest car loan he's ever seen!! I am getting married!! I am still eating right and making healthier choices as a responsible adult, not always healthy but I try my best, without stressing about working out so hard a few times a week and seeing only a plateau in my results. Who cares if I don't work out every day, I love myself!!! I actually love myself!! Miss seems to think I am in love with myself, and I should be, we all should be, but I tell her it's all her fault. I feel so ridiculously comfortable in my own skin, in this healthy relationship that I am in. Yeah I'm not perfect, and either is she, but like a great man once said in a great movie,"You're not perfect, sport, and let me save you the suspense: this girl you've met, she's not perfect either. But the question is whether or not you're perfect for each other."
Integrity. Honesty. Alcoholism. Those were the topics this week at the meeting where I walked up to receive my eight month coin! My eight months... my mom actually called me up on the exact day, the 29th, to congratulate me. Funny thing is, Miss and I forgot it was that day, so caught up in other things, or maybe I am simply not thinking about it as much. Either way, it was a great feeling to receive my coin, and walk through the aisle of hands reached out to congratulate me. I felt like I was running through a screaming crowd at a homecoming football game or something like that. It was awesome! I never lied when I was drinking, I never hurt anyone, or so I thought. You never really see things clearly until you detach yourself from those things. I was hurting myself. I was hurting for a really long time. I was lying to myself about how crazy I got when I drank, how I drove home after a few drinks too many with and without friends in the passenger seats, I was fooling myself when I would withdraw money from my bank account knowing it was a negative balance, but whatever since the bank dispensed the money to me even though I didn't have any in there. I was numbing the pain, the hurt, the feelings and thoughts of ending up by myself for the rest of my life, for never being good enough for anyone to date, just to mess around with, for not thinking I was worthy of anything more than what I was getting, which was crap. I am worth it. I am so worth it.
The funny thing is, I think I "hurt" more people in my sobriety than I did when I was drinking, if that's at all possible. It's crazy to think that in doing things to better yourself, people question your honesty and your motives, rather than accepting me for who I am. Yeah, those times were fun, but what is fun when you feel like crap the next morning, what is fun when you cry yourself to sleep or pee your pants in your bed without even knowing it, what is fun when you get so drunk to just not feel anymore, what is fun when you force yourself to a few drinks at the bar by yourself while feeling like crap over a holiday break, but hey you're drinking orange juice with the vodka so maybe that will help with your cold...too bad that wasn't the case. Yes, we can't please everyone, and no, I don't want to treat others badly on purpose, but pleasing yourself should come first. It took me years to put myself first, and I am still learning how to take care of myself and love myself better each day, so does it stink when people I once cared for don't approve of my life choices and who I am today on this day in this present time, yes it stinks, but there is nothing I can do about it. I know I am being true to myself, taking care of myself and being good to me and the ones I love, and that is all I can do today. Only I know what I have done, how I felt before and how I feel today. I can only ask those who truly care and love me continue to accept me for me, love me, and love what I am doing with my life even though they may not agree 100%.
I would not be who I am, this strong willed, determined, motivated and passionate woman without my parents, their love and unconditional support emotionally, physically and financially.
Cheers to us bebs, this is our time, our crazy journey together that I wouldn't have or want any other way. I love you FOSTAH!!!!!
If we live with all the what if's, where does that take us? how far does that get us? If there is something I learned (or reminded of again in a different way than death) and am still learning from having (re)met Missy, is that life is far too short to not do things we are passionate about or desire. I have always been a hard worker, and well this job I have now, don't get me wrong, way less stressful and just different from my last job, but this isn't my forever job, and we both know that; however, I can't help but give my 110% even if I am not getting overtime pay or health benefits. What is wrong with me? Does everyone have this kind of work ethic? Why stress out about stuff that I just can't get done in a day, all the extras I am asked to do? I need to stay focused on what is expected of me on a daily basis and that's that. It's a dog eat dog world out there, what does that even mean anyways? But it's true, I can still give this job my best work, but just do that my best, not above and beyond for what will be nothing in the long run. It doesn't grant my more money, more benefits or anything other than positive feedback and verbal praise, and unfortunately in this world, those things do not pay the bills, and I know this. I am and have always been a hard worker, but knowing what I know now about the system, people don't care what you did extra. You don't get anything from doing extra. Missy is screwed for lack of better terms, for the rest of her life, our life together, at a pay that rarely inflates, crap healthcare, oh wait...healthcare for the elderly even though she's in her 30s, but because of her disability she has to have medicare which pays nothing for anything, all the while, the guy who just flew in on a flight who knows who paid for it, from sudan or nigeria or wherever in Africa has clothes on his back, a roof over his head and food at the table, and most likely some kind of health benefits a little better than that Missy is getting who has paid her debt to this wonderful country, but gets nothing. Fuel assistance? Food stamps? Masshealth insurance? Nope, nope and nope, sorry, you make too much money. Too much money? Are you kidding me. She hasn't worked since 2007 and can't work because of the daily pain she is in, and if she did work from home with her own schedule, she would lose the income she does get from being disabled, so tell me how that is fair.
Don't get me wrong, I understand being a woman, and especially a gay woman in another country outside of our own, we would be treated terribly worse and have so much freedom in the U.S that we often take for granted. You never really know how messed up "the system" quite is without living in it. How is it that other countries in the world have free health care, and free college education for all, when living in the U.S your entire life and paying your taxes gets you less benefits than those traveling over to the U.S for the "american dream." I am frustrated and could go on and on, not really sure how I ended up on this topic, but apparently needing to get it out somehow, someway.
Money money money. If we wait for everything to get better or to be better, we are just waiting for nothing. Waiting and wasting. I've never been more confident in my risk taking, and never been more in love and happy with my relationship and with myself. I have been sober for eight months! That is a huge accomplishment. I have money in my savings account!! I own my very first car, paying off at least 97% of it on my own, with the help of my parents, on a car loan that the financial guy at Toyota said was the largest car loan he's ever seen!! I am getting married!! I am still eating right and making healthier choices as a responsible adult, not always healthy but I try my best, without stressing about working out so hard a few times a week and seeing only a plateau in my results. Who cares if I don't work out every day, I love myself!!! I actually love myself!! Miss seems to think I am in love with myself, and I should be, we all should be, but I tell her it's all her fault. I feel so ridiculously comfortable in my own skin, in this healthy relationship that I am in. Yeah I'm not perfect, and either is she, but like a great man once said in a great movie,"You're not perfect, sport, and let me save you the suspense: this girl you've met, she's not perfect either. But the question is whether or not you're perfect for each other."
Integrity. Honesty. Alcoholism. Those were the topics this week at the meeting where I walked up to receive my eight month coin! My eight months... my mom actually called me up on the exact day, the 29th, to congratulate me. Funny thing is, Miss and I forgot it was that day, so caught up in other things, or maybe I am simply not thinking about it as much. Either way, it was a great feeling to receive my coin, and walk through the aisle of hands reached out to congratulate me. I felt like I was running through a screaming crowd at a homecoming football game or something like that. It was awesome! I never lied when I was drinking, I never hurt anyone, or so I thought. You never really see things clearly until you detach yourself from those things. I was hurting myself. I was hurting for a really long time. I was lying to myself about how crazy I got when I drank, how I drove home after a few drinks too many with and without friends in the passenger seats, I was fooling myself when I would withdraw money from my bank account knowing it was a negative balance, but whatever since the bank dispensed the money to me even though I didn't have any in there. I was numbing the pain, the hurt, the feelings and thoughts of ending up by myself for the rest of my life, for never being good enough for anyone to date, just to mess around with, for not thinking I was worthy of anything more than what I was getting, which was crap. I am worth it. I am so worth it.
The funny thing is, I think I "hurt" more people in my sobriety than I did when I was drinking, if that's at all possible. It's crazy to think that in doing things to better yourself, people question your honesty and your motives, rather than accepting me for who I am. Yeah, those times were fun, but what is fun when you feel like crap the next morning, what is fun when you cry yourself to sleep or pee your pants in your bed without even knowing it, what is fun when you get so drunk to just not feel anymore, what is fun when you force yourself to a few drinks at the bar by yourself while feeling like crap over a holiday break, but hey you're drinking orange juice with the vodka so maybe that will help with your cold...too bad that wasn't the case. Yes, we can't please everyone, and no, I don't want to treat others badly on purpose, but pleasing yourself should come first. It took me years to put myself first, and I am still learning how to take care of myself and love myself better each day, so does it stink when people I once cared for don't approve of my life choices and who I am today on this day in this present time, yes it stinks, but there is nothing I can do about it. I know I am being true to myself, taking care of myself and being good to me and the ones I love, and that is all I can do today. Only I know what I have done, how I felt before and how I feel today. I can only ask those who truly care and love me continue to accept me for me, love me, and love what I am doing with my life even though they may not agree 100%.
I would not be who I am, this strong willed, determined, motivated and passionate woman without my parents, their love and unconditional support emotionally, physically and financially.
Cheers to us bebs, this is our time, our crazy journey together that I wouldn't have or want any other way. I love you FOSTAH!!!!!
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