Missy Monday's

Happy Happy Monday.... a few happy's since I didn't have work today! That's one good thing about the holidays and working in an elementary school, VACATIONS! 

So, with that said, it has continued to be a crazy week with more things on the calendar than I would like, but when Saturday rolled around, after working my respite job, it marked the start of my eleven days in a row off from work!! And that made Missy very happy. 

"I want to contribute to this relationship," I told Missy as we were sitting at my mom's kitchen table with her for a bit earlier this evening. My mom's reaction, "wow, that's a change huh." As it sure is a change from my past relationships; however, I am not the type of person to just sit back and have everything done for me, as I tried once again to do the laundry to her liking. Never again. The laundry is all hers, as she reminded me ever so nicely. Also stating that I do contribute things to this relationship. As I know I do, but it is an adjustment for me. I have never been in a relationship where someone has been so beyond excited to see me come home from the end of a work day, or thrilled that she will have the next eleven days with me, never mind want to do the laundry and shopping for the house. So, we tend to both be stubborn sometimes in finding our ways in this new blossoming relationship and heads are bumped and bruised, but with no hard feelings or bad intentions. We are both very caring and loving people who want to give give give and are far too humble when receiving care or gifts or any other kind gestures. 

More tears, laughs and silly looks and faces have been exchanged this week. Another week closer to each other's hearts, minds and bodies. She was made for me. 

"Love is in the air"

Life is so funny sometimes, I have been saying that for years now. I am also a true believer that everything does happen for a reason, despite not knowing the reasons at those moments or even ever. I have found my reason. She is my reason. She is the reason I kept living, hoping, and looking, without looking, for love, for someone to share my interests, dreams, hopes and life. 

I knew it the moment I hugged her on October 13, 2013 when we "met" for the first time after ten plus years or so ago being and living on the same college campus in Farmington Maine. She thought I was attractive then, and just not into girls...so as much surprise to her finding me on match.com and looking for love with girls, she was beside herself. To make a long story short, we've been talking ever since that Saturday night in October, through face book, texts and soon to be the phone, all day everyday. 

Love is surely in the air! Everything was moving so fast, yet so comfortably "fast." We were honestly taking things day to day, and one thing after another. I asked her to be my girlfriend, she moved from Maine to be with me a few weeks later, received her new Massachusetts state license in the mail, we talked about children and marriage, we went ring shopping, ER visits (she bought the ring the next day and much to her excitement, was frazzled and fell over a store sign...), asked my dad for his permission, kept it from my mom for three very, very long weeks, booked a wedding venue, now just the wait for her to ask me. Well....December12, 2013, Love was certainly in the air. 

Missy is very much a romantic, she is a lot like me in that way, even surprising me more and more each day with how she is, it's just who she is, and I am more than ok with that! Waking up to cards and laundry folded and whatnot is not unusual living with her, but little did I know that Thursday morning, December 12th, I was in for a surprise of a lifetime, despite the fact I knew we had a ring and a date and a wedding venue. I left for work at my usual time, where I found card #1 in my car waiting for me. So sweet. At the elementary school where I work, I had something in the office waiting for me. AAAHHHH I hate surprises, but secretly like them. Five beautiful pink roses waiting for me with card #2, talking about children and our future and how beautiful I am, that she hopes our children look just like me one day. Card #3 was waiting for me in my car as well after I decided to change up her plans a little bit and make her nervous because I hadn't gone to my mom's house before the gym like I had every other thursday! Card #3 with 3 white frames of our pictures and the box of matches I had gotten her on our first date. Later to find out, Missy thought card #3 was going to give it away that today was the day, but not the case. I made her more nervous by driving to the gym and talking to her on the phone about not even wanting to go to the gym, and people driving like crazies so I quickly rushed off the phone with her and went to the gym. Card #4 was in my car waiting for me after the gym, I saw it sitting there on the seat around 6:06 when I left the gym, and I was looking around the parking lot in amazement as if she was going to pop out of a tree or something. No worries, that didn't happen. Card #4 had me in tears, and when I opened up the last trifold it stated something like this, "now open the trunk there is a bag of clothes and everything in there, go back into the gym, take a shower and get ready, kind of hurry though because we have dinner plans at 7, and call me after you are ready to go and I will tell you where to meet me, I love you Lianne, and sorry I couldn't be there to blindfold you." AHHHHHHHH, I ran into the gym, shower, so frazzled and shaking, holding back the tears and excitement as best I could so people didn't think I was some crazy person smiling and crying to myself. hahaha. I was out of there by 6:30, in the car and on my way to the Boynton Restaurant. 

I called Erika and Michelle on the way there because after card #4, I knew this was it, this was really going to happen, and neither of them answered their phones!!!! Sarah answered hers, and I screamed a few times, and then had to get off the phone so I could semi-concentrate on getting to the restaurant in one piece! 

I parked my car in the lot, saw her waiting for me in the lobby, her elbows resting on her knees as she was leaning over in her seat, I looked up at her, locked eyes and had the biggest smile on my face. We greeted each other in the lobby, grabbed her hand and she led me to our table upstairs, as I thought um, ok why are we passing the hostess...but kept my hand in hers as she led the way. I walked up the stairs and in the corner table, there were five people holding up menus covering their faces, they took them down as we approached closer!! AAAHHHHHHH as I yelled out loud in the restaurant, good thing the restaurant was loud anyways! It was Missy's best friend Carmen, my friend Courtney and Erika, and my best friend Michelle and her fiance, Kyle. AAAAHHHH, As I pointed to them around the table, in the order listed above, you live in maine, you have work late, you are supposed to be on your way to boston, and you live in maine, what the heck are you guys doing here!!!! I WAS BEYOND EXCITED!!!! They even had the captain waiting for me with coke and a lime!! It was perfect, I could not stop smiling. Does it say stupid on my forehead, because Missy was still trying to act as if nothing was going to happen tonight, but rather tomorrow on the 13th. They were all here just for a pre-celebratory dinner. hahaha ya, ok! After dinner, plates were cleared, conversation continued and Missy headed to the bathroom...came back a long time after, it seemed like forever anyways, asked me to stand up with her, I kept saying stop it, stop it, and couldn't even look at her. Is this real life? Is this really happening? My friends had their phones out and Carmen was videotaping. And as far as I was concerned it was just Missy and I in the whole entire restaurant. She kneeled down on one knee, pulled the ring out of her pocket and asked me to marry her, in front my friends and strangers. I said yes and the cheers and applauses began!!!!! I was in my glory! She is my reason, my everything, my prize for surviving my past, the hardships, the losses of friends and loved ones, my questioning life and why it has to be so unfair, and the little hope I had left of finding someone I was suppose to spend my life with, share my happiness and sadness, my hopes and dreams. SHE IS MY REASON. 

The chocolate cake came out with "yes" written in pink icing, pictures were taken, congratulations were given, and it was the most perfect evening. One of many nights/days we will never forget as we have started our journey together in this crazy world we live in. 

Parade Day. Boston Red Sox.

Go write she said.. and let it all out.... no one has ever told me to go write the way she said it, with such passion and excitement in her voice. Why? I asked... and she said as if she's known me for a lifetime already ... because that is what you love to do, that is how you let it all out. So as she lies in bed, I sit here writing my thoughts, my fears, my hopes, and my needs/wants for life. Life is scary, life is unfair, life is messy, life is truly what happens when you're too busy making other plans or searching on your cell phones... life is hard, life is fun... Why am I so scared she asks over and over.. .and my answer remains the same. I am not good at these things, I don't give myself enough credit, if any at all. Beginnings lead to endings in my mind, and I am not good at endings, I know that for sure. But I also know what I want out of a relationship and I couldn't say that with confidence just a few short years ago, so I guess that is a sign of learning, growing, and maybe even a little self acceptance and self worth happening there too.

I want to be happy. who doesn't. Yeah, I'm 31 and thought I "should" have my life together by now, but clearly I don't. I also know that it's ok that I don't have it all together. I am doing things I never have done before, lifting weights... a lot of weights... jogging/walking 5k's... and I am doing things I haven't done in a long time... smiling more often and meaning it, belly laughing, meeting new people and finding out that I can actually still connect with others and make special friendships, without any reservations.

We come from very different pasts, and sometimes more of something isn't always a good thing. We all have our vices, but we either learn from them and grow as a person, or continue to repeat old patterns. I am ready for the love I think I deserve, I know I deserve, but don't always think I do.

Today was parade day and we woke up before the sun came up. I was sipping on captain and coke before the clock hit 7:30am.... while filling up mr. mustachio (my flask) to head out to Boston with some friends and my most amazing girlfriend... to say it was a fantastic day would be an understatement. It was by far the most laid back relaxed fun I have had on a Saturday in a long time, well worth taking the day off from work. "I don't even like sports, but I'm all for the parties," and I took some killer photos of the duck boats in the water with all the Red Sox players, front operation people, alumni, and radio station peeps. The weather couldn't have been more perfect, especially for November 2nd, and it was as if her and I had been out and about countless times. This is not a honeymoon phase, there was no honeymoon phase. I'm jumping in, this is real, she is real, I want this and so does she, so why do we have to play by the "rules" when we are going along swell by our "rules" and speed. I had not a worry in the world, except when she was scooting around the subway and we couldn't find her, but other than that, not a care in the world, happy as a pig in shit, or a girl with her girlfriend on one arm and her rum in the other.

 

I love spending time with her, I love her the way she looks into my eyes and says nothing but the smile on her face, I love that she reminds me of the relationship I had with my exfiance...the person I was planning on spending my life with, that relationship would have worked if only he wasn't a man, I love how she reminds me of that relationship even though it scares the shit out of me... that's how I know this is real and whatever speed we may be going, we are on the same page, the same speed. I love how she asks me what I am thinking, I love how she calls me beautiful, I love how she looks at me and gets all flustered. I love how she makes me laugh, I love how I don't know whether or not a "girly" giggle or a "masculine" comment is going to come out of her mouth. 

I want this to work more than anything... I am ready for this. I am ready to share my life. I am not the pursuer anymore and damn, does it feel great. My co-workers commented on some pictures we posted tonight from the parade... " OK I 'mm gonna say it -- the look in your eyes and that smile is so nice to see again - this is you genuinely happy -- I want to meet this girl!"  .... "i agree, maybe we have to have a party just for the occasion"

They are absolutely right. She doesn't give me butterflies, and there is no "honeymoon" dating period, and I am more than ok with all of that. Instead, she put the twinkle back in my eyes, and the hope for something better back into my heart. 

I want to struggle in this crazy life with you...I want to cry some more, laugh a ton, fight, argue, make up, hold you, take care of each other, and just live because if I learned anything in my 20s, it was that life is way too short to wait for the perfect moment, for the perfect opportunity or financial security to live. 

I want to struggle in this crazy life with you. Call me crazy, it's only been a little over a month, but we were supposed to meet again someway somehow, almost 13 years later, somewhere other than the University of Maine at Farmington. I've been waiting for someone like you for a long, long time. The perfectly balanced combination of masculine, feminine and everything else....

LIFE BEGINS AT THE END OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE

Wow, these lights are bright. I hate public speaking by the way. But tonight I am coming out as confused and coming out of my comfort zone. The people who spoke earlier motivated me to come up here and share my story. Although I don't have any light bulb kind of moment when I knew I was gay. Well I'm not gay, or a lesbian or whatever,... I have never been one for labels...maybe it's my psychology degree in me. But anyways....People have recently asked me "when did you come out?" and "how long have you been gay?" and my answer was "ummm....welll....." yeah so here is my story. Not too sure where to start, either the fourth grade sleepovers I had with my friends and we would make out, apparently I thought that was normal because all growing up I was boyyyyyyy crazy!!!! I admire those who came up to speak tonight, I am turning 31 in ten days and I still don't have my life together. So it's kinda funny that I'm like the last one to speak tonight, because I am the last one to do everything, lose my virginity, get married, figure out my life, cause well I still haven't figured it out, but there is no magical number when you have to have it all figured out. I had my first real girl crushes in college, the safest place to have those feelings. I went to UMaine Farmington, a very gay friendly school. And yeah...one Christmas while standing at the sink doing dishes at the sink with my mom, I was like "I like girls," and she was like "tell me something I don't know." My mom is awesome. But that's not really when it happened for me, I still dated guys after that, I dated and liked girls, I had sex with guys and girls and I was even engaged to a man. Being proposed to was one of the best feelings in the world, feeling so loved and thinking you have it all, but unfortunately it didn't work out. I actually fell for someone who was a woman, and called her out on her being gay because she wasn't out to her family yet or even to herself completely yet, even though she knew inside she was a lesbian. So yeah, breaking off my engagement was one of the hardest things I had to do, but I dealt with some other hard things, like losing loved ones to death in my early twenties. As much as I still miss them so much everyday, those experiences taught me many things, and especially gave me strength to make it through this...breaking off my engagement, and falling in love with a woman. All of these things made me stronger, more sarcastic, as it was my defense mechanism to survive, and more open, and able for me to stand up here in front of you tonight. Maybe this will resonate with some of you, or a friend of yours or whoever. maybe not now, maybe years from now. Because if I have learned anything, it's that life is way too short to be unhappy and angry with yourself, love yourself. No one is going to love yourself more than you, and be comfortable with yourself, because only then can you be comfortable with others. So yeah I guess that's it. Thank you.

and round of applause, and people saying thank you for sharing, and I'm glad I stayed. And after listening to one more speaker, we walked out, signed our "coming out as..." on this white painted door in the Grind, the on campus club where concerts and such are held at Clark University, for national coming out day! As we walked out to sign the door and then leave to our cars, a speaker named Becca, who attends Clark and had just spoken a few people before me, looked at me and said "you rock" as I walked by her. I said "aw, thank you!! you do too!!!" She was married to man and now since divorced at the young age of 24 and identifies herself as gay/lesbian. All of the stories tonight were special in their own way, and it was something I will definitely attend in the future!

When I got to my car tonight, I was soo very proud of myself. I did it!!! And there were still at least 20-30 people in the room to listen to me, to my story! aaaahhhhh. I couldn't help but smile ear to ear and feel so naturally high, hopeful, happy and proud to share tonight. 

different

you were my most favorite first love. from forever and forever ago. and it breaks my heart that we don't talk anymore. you're married now, have a child, and a life of your own. but even though we don't talk anymore, I mean we do talk, just not as much as we used to, and we haven't seen each other in years, because although you want nothing but the best for me, and for me to be happy, you turned on me just like the others when I started dating her. so that put some time between us. That aside, you are my most favorite first love. you were and still are my childhood. you are in all the years that I sometimes can't remember the exact details to,  from the past, but you..you represent my childhood, and I don't ever want to forget the details that surround you. No one will ever truly understand what you and I had, I'm not sure we will even ever understand, but now, maybe now we understand what we had the best, because no matter what, no matter how much time passes, no matter how little words are exchanged, you still know and I know that we would do anything for each other. you were the one who changed me forever, in more ways than we both could imagine. remember that time I drove you to work and we said if we weren't married by such and such time then I guess we'll get married. but then you had to go and get married. That's the thing with us, our timing never never ever ever ever matched up....all those years...all our  years together. We had the best and worst relationship non-dating relationship I have ever had with anyone else. I played many roles in your life as you did in mine,  but would I change it, do I regret it, would I relive it all over....in a heart beat! I was just talking to a friend of mine the other night...about love and relationships and whatnot...we all have that one person, that one person that we may compare others to, we may long for over and over, or that one person we would have done anything for because they touched our hearts and lives in such a way no one else had

the end of our ITALY trip

Ahh, it's been almost two weeks that we returned from such an amazing once in a life time kind of trip to Italy!! here is the conclusion of the last few days we spent in Italy...

where did I leave off....ah ha, day 6...April 15th, we went walking around Rome again, just a few piazza's (plazas) that we did not walk through on the first day with Auntie Chris...and took our time strolling around, doing a little shopping, people watching, and gelato eating. We got back around 7 or so, just in time to have a little chicken and salad before my Aunt dropped us off at the Lazio vs. Juventus futbol (soccer) game!!! What an experience that was!!! AMAZING!!!! and to think it was only a regular scheduled game, with the fireworks, flags, chants, and songs...sooo fun!!!!! and great seats for just 20 euros, which would be like 25 dollars or so in american money!!

It was a great time. My brother Nick was like a little kid in a candy store!!! And even though the Lazio (another Rome team besides Roma) team lost 2-0, the fans were still cheering until the end, and the soccer players clapped for their fans in appreciation at the end of the game as well. Nick said they do that in Europe, which was so nice to see!! Great times!! Then Auntie picked us up, and told us the sad news about the Boston Marathon bombings...so we watched that on CNN via computer when we got back. What a terrible week back at home.

Tuesday morning, the 16th, we were up early out and about to the train station. Uncle David dropped us off on his way to work, we bought our tickets and off we were on the fast train to Venice, which was still a three hour ride, but I slept some and just took in all the views of the amazing countryside in Italy!! We arrived, took a water taxi and found our hotel, Hotel Noemi, great deal and location for just a one night stay, then found a sandwich spot, I grabbed a panini and a corona!!! We were off to walk the streets of Venice!! I absolutely LOVED LOVED LOVED Venice. I don't know how long I could live on the water, but it would definitely be an experience. Water right up to the buildings, no cars, just boats, water taxis, bridges up and over the water, crossing the streets!!! water streets!!! Great little shops, good finds for gifts!! and we really lucked out for the weather!! It was very warm and sunny with a cool breeze. For dinner we ate outdoors on the Grand Canal near the Rialto bridge, had some spaghetti with shrimp, but the shrimp was in the hard shells I had to fork out before eating it, but it was delicious anyways of course!

 

The next morning, we were off to Florence via fast train...only about an hour and a half ride. The scenery was just amazing.. it never got old!! We got to Florence and again, our hotel accommodations were perfect, they were soo very nice at the Bellevue House Hotel, and for the right price too!! We were off for lunch at a place around the corner from there, I had this salmon alfredo pasta, fishy but soo very tasty, with the house red wine! Yum. Then we were off on another train ride to the town of Lucca, where we did some sight seeing and shopping, ran into people from Shrewsbury, MA, and store owners who knew Kittery Maine and Arizona...etc. such a small world.

 

Lucca was beautiful...

 the people from Shrewsbury...

 a little Nonna riding around town.

Took a late train about 8 or so, back to Florence, where we walked to streets aimlessly looking for this restaurant that they had told us about at our hotel... well after walking this way and that way and this way again, and even asking people on the street, did I mention I had to pee since before we left Lucca, but the bathroom was closed at the station, what the hell... after we were all angry hungry and aggravated, my feet hurt and I had to pee, I stormed off back to the hotel by myself!!! The three of them ended up just eating dinner back at the place we had lunch. I walked the streets of Florence back to the hotel, but before walking up four flights of stairs, I just bought a corona at the mini mart across the street, while I waited for the Quattro formagio pizza I ordered at the restaurant across from our hotel. Took them up to the hotel room, put on the BBC news channel and ate in peace. Waited for my mom to come back so I could let her in and then went to bed!! The next day, Thursday... we spent walking around Florence....

 my dinner in Florence...

sweet smells in the bakeries...

 

                                            
 flowers blooming.

 the view of Florence...

 Ponte Vecchio bridge

 silly Stanley... wanted to buy this apron for himself, but it was too big.

 We ate lunch here Thursday... yum!! I had seafood risotto...every kind of seafood one could imagine!!! including OCTOPUS!!

 the man!!! he sold my mom and kimmy leather coats for a really really good deal!! he was awesome!

 leather market in San Lorenzo square... leather leather leather...in Florence!

 rub the snout for good luck!!

 David, not the original, but it'll do.

 Train ride home from Florence to Rome....
We got back from Florence around 8 or so, not really sure, but just in time for dinner. Auntie Chris and Uncle David picked us up from the train station and we went out for pizza,  because that's what you do, eat out if you are going to eat out at a restaurant, they hardly do take out!! It was a great place, we were exhausted from the past few days, nice to drink some more white wine and eat some broccoli and sausage pizza and share pasta carbanara with mom. A great last night meal in Italy. Back to the house to pack up for home sweet home Friday morning. Packed and weighed our suitcases, said our goodbyes to Uncle David and Rachel. Auntie drove us in the morning, and we were off to catch our flight to Philly, which was delayed a little bit, but luckily this time we had about two hours or so for any delays etc..which didn't matter anyways, because once landing in Philly, our plane was delayed an hour or so...but luckily the ban was lifted in Boston and all was good, or atleast getting better in Boston, having had found the second bombing suspect from the marathon bombings. what a week... but it was still nice to be home. What a trip of a lifetime. Every bit and piece of it was absolutely breathtaking and amazing!! makes you appreciate the little things, the things we take for granted and all that jazz... I miss it so much. It made me wish I had the opportunity to study abroad in college, something I had always wanted to do, but the September 11th tragedy kinda put a stop to that my sophomore year... so this was a great opportunity!!

 

di cinque giorni... Day 5!!

Day 5 ROMA with Auntie Chris and Uncle David!!

halfway through our trip, and you're lucky I know that much! I love not knowing what time or day it is!!! Anyways...today we ventured out rather late...after I got yelled at a few times for sleeping in and taking my time, I guess the lack of sleep finally caught up with me this morning!! haha. oh well...we had a sit down breakfast at the house first, then I showered and got ready to leave...we left probably around 1 or so, and were still out until about 7!! :) We drove with Auntie and Uncle David to Ostia Antica, the ancient port of Roma...

Ostia Antica is a large archeological site, close to the modern suburb of Ostia (Rome), that was the location of the harbour city of ancient Rome, which is approximately 30 km to the northeast. "Ostia" in Latin means "mouth". At the mouth of the River Tiber, Ostia was Rome's seaport, but due to silting the site now lies 3 km from the sea. The site is noted for the excellent preservation of its ancient buildings, magnificent frescoes and impressive mosaics.

It was a beautiful day for it...not too hot, not too cold! I don't think I've been cold since I've been here!! :) Did I mention how incredible it is that all of these buildings and statues and whatnot have been so well preserved since time before christ?!? It is just CRAZY to THINK ABOUT?!?

 There were two ground levels...one was the street level how it used to be in BC times (the lower levels) and then AD and present times...restoration...

 this was a town....there were houses, the cemetery (before you entered the gate) and bars, and public baths (hot and cold) and colleges....insane!!

the cemetery behind me...

 amphitheater....no big deal, UMF had one of these...hahaa.

this was a bar...

 outside the bar...look at the floor. .. amazing condition! (the view from what would have been my apartment if I lived back then)

 school!

After the hike up and down, in and out of Ostia,  we drove through Rome and ended up making a few stops along the way home, one to the infamous keyhole, where you peek through the keyhole of what appears to be someones house, or used to be anyways, and look through their keyhole to the gate, through the gardens and a perfect view to the dome of St. Peter's Cathedral!! Amazing Amazing!!!

took a few more shots, and headed home, where we ate ribs that fell off the bone, some pesto pasta dish with potatoes and green beans in it as well, and zucchini, followed by creme brulee and an apple tarte for dessert that my Aunt didn't have time to make on mom's birthday, the 12th.
HEAVENLY creme brulee. A few glasses of wine and some water, and some journal writing, and day five is behind us. What a day. What a five days it has been!!

We booked hotels for Venice and Florence for tuesday and wednesday nights. Tomorrow it's off to try and buy tickets for the tomorrow night soccer game Lazio vs. Juventus, and then just walk around town, taking our time, eating some more gelato and maybe a panini, and doing some shopping. Sounds great to me!!!!!

Ciao!! 

 
 we found an elementary school!!

 Now where is the Albanian? haha ;)

wedding cake building... officially known as Monumento Nazionale a Vittorio Emanuele II