one day at a time.

One day at at a time. That's all that we can do. So much easier said than done. One day at a time was the topic last night at the tuesday aa beginners meeting, ironically filled with people who have been earning their seat as early as 1992 and then some. Why are they here still? How come they have to come to meetings still? Wow, after all these years they still need reminders and to talk about their journey. If you were to ask me all these questions almost two months ago when I walked into my very first meeting, I wouldn't have been so sure how to answer, but now, now I get it. 

One day at a time. Everyone's different with different pasts and experiences, but we all have one thing in common at those meetings. We are not normal social drinkers. They keep coming to the meetings because of the friendships they have formed, the feeling of helping others in the meetings as well as themselves, and why not come to the meetings, it's free therapy! As mentioned in previous discussions, "people in AA are some of the most normal people I have ever met," said John. It's true. People in AA are there because they can't manage a huge part of their life, but it's not always about the alcohol. That's the drug of choice: alcohol, but it's all the other things in their life that became/become unmanageable due to the misuse or abuse of alcohol beyond one's control. 

Living in the moment. One day at a time! A lot of great things were said last night. "If you have one foot in the past and one foot in the future, you piss all over today." "Live in the now...NOW...no other way!" A wise older woman who delivered a great thought at last nights meeting..."let's be more childlike. Children know how to live in the moment, in the present...have you ever interrupted a child during play in their sandbox? Yes sure it's lunch time but they must finish what they were building or playing with...that's living in the moment in the now!" 

It seemed much easier back then before we were corrupted by the world we live in. Alcohol is everywhere and it's a legal drug! Thousands and thousands of people misuse or abuse it everyday!! So why is there such shame or embarrassment by being an alcoholic?! Why do we even have to worry about going out to a restaurant with coworkers after work or a holiday party with friends or family? Why do we have to worry what others will think or say if we don't pick up a drink with the rest of them? It's like worrying about people not liking your outfit or the way you wear your hair. Most others don't really care about those things, we tend to care mostly about our own self, so why the shame?

My first meeting I attended, like I have mentioned in previous blogs, I did not introduce myself as an alcoholic. But I am. I am an abnormal drinker. I didn't drink every day, but when I did…I couldn't stop myself. I didn't know when to stop. I kept going and why not. I had no responsibilities, I had no one who loved me waiting at home. I had a job, I had friends, I was just having a good time, not hurting anyone….but I was. I was hurting, but in a different way. Just like you grieve in different stages, I guess I was hurting in different stages. The anger and sadness was gone, so bring on the irresponsible fun and recklessness.

To be here typing this to you, I am so fortunate. If anything these past sober months, I have revisited over and over my past drinking nights, days and afternoons and there is not one proud moment, nor fun for that matter. Yes, I had fun, but in the beginning. Almost every single drinking day and/or night that started out fun ended in future embarrassments, heartaches, or terrible decisions! I am fortunate that peeing myself the second time was enough. The first time, I was by myself. The second and last time, I was with my friend sharing a sleep space, but thank god she didn't notice, or maybe she did and just didn't say anything. I drank in the mornings, I drank by myself, I drank out of control at family functions and random nights. But maybe that was it, peeing myself and sleeping through it! Wake up!! Who lives like that? Who was taking care of me? No one but myself and I was doing a terrible job at it.

There is no shame in not drinking among friends at a holiday party, or at the beach house among family. There is shame and embarrassment in peeing yourself while sharing a bed with a friend on vacation. There is shame in stumbling home being held up by friends. There is shame in letting people take advantage of your body and emotions. There is no shame in choosing to not doing something any longer that allows you to think clearer and function day to day making better life choices, even if it means a few extra tears along the days, some days.

People have told me "I was scared when you drank, I saw it, you couldn't stop" and yes, I could be upset as to why they didn't intervene earlier, but I'm too embarrassed to feel anything but shame and humility. Many people at the meetings have said they remembered their last drink, and how they don't want to forget their past because they don't ever want to end up back there. I don't ever want to be so helpless, so vulnerable and so humiliated again.

One day at a time. One day at a time without alcohol and just with life in general. We don't know what tomorrow brings, but we need, I need to stop living in the past and all the ridiculousness it has attached to it. What's done is done. I have made it to where I am because this is where I am supposed to be. I truly believe everything happens for a reason. My angels in the sky were looking over me, and I scared them too many times, along with those still here in my life. You never realize just how far you've come until life changing things have happened to you, and I have come pretty damn far! I have come too far to do anything stupid to mess up what's ahead for me in this crazy beautiful world.

"if you collect your pennies, you'll become a millionaire, if you collect your days, you'll have years and years of sobriety."

"alcohol doesn't control me, it doesn't tell me who to hang out with, where to go, and what to do anymore"

"my normal is pretty great now, I enjoy warm showers... spending time with my family… I couldn't enjoy those things before because they didn't happen"

Accept today. It truly is a gift many won't get.

I can only speak for myself about the quote above, it holds a lot of truth. As easy as it sounds, It hasn't been the easiest process for me…about ten years in the making…but there was something about the tuesday night aa meeting that brought a new light to the whole concept of acceptance and forgiveness. 

It was step 2, "came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity," the topic of discussion and like every Tuesday night many people shared and again there were a few things of what people said that caught my attention more than the rest. If we don't believe in a higher power whether that person be God or whomever or whatever.... We have to believe that we are not in control of all things. There is always going to be death, accidents, loss and a change of your plans because you can't control everything nor everyone. We have to forgive those who hurt us but more importantly forgive ourselves. Someone else spoke of "let it happen." Ahh that is such a struggle for me on a daily basis. My life was just happening with alcohol but in a different sense of the phrase... It was happening and I had absolutely no to little control about those drinking nights...that only led to not arrests or duis, but just headaches, heartaches and confusion. Why was I adding more of that into my life? Was it really helping me forget the past hurt? No, it added more hurt and more heartache and thoughts of loneliness forever. 

I don't need that anymore. I don't have drama in my life like that anymore. Alcohol added so much fun, yeah sure but so much confusion, empty lonely thoughts and more headaches. It was a temporary novacane for me. 

I have cried more in the past four months than I have in a long time. The novacane is no longer there. The reality of life is and how there are some things we can not control or even plan no matter how hard we try. And to really understand things that have happened to me in my life, I needed to remove alcohol because with all that liquid courage came much confusion and drama and dwelling. I don't want to feel how I have felt for past years and years. I've always wanted to forgive and most importantly move on with my life accepting the things I can not change, accepting those who have forever left my life on this earth, and those who have chose to not be apart of my life for whatever reasons. 

I am no longer chasing those reasons, unanswered questions or lost hopes. I am embracing today and all of my flaws and everything that makes me so strong, beautiful and lovig because I am all of those things and much more. 

Walking in to the room this past Tuesday and having Paula and Alex and Sam say Hi Lianne and even Hi Missy was some kind of big feeling I can't really explain, other than awesome and fulfilling. It made my heart happy. 

She makes my heart happy too. I wouldn't have had that time with my brother (in my last blog) if I wasn't sober and the same for him. I couldn't be more proud of him for staying with his school and finishing soon, and giving him his addiction that has haunted him for years. 

There is so much to be thankful for, so much that makes me happy and so much I have been missing out on. I have all that I need and will be blessed with whatever each day brings to us. 

good ol' days

This weekend has been something like mind changing, but to the ordinary eye it may have just been some regular old weekend. To me...It wasn't! It started Thursday when my therapist was pleasantly surprised I have still been attending aa meetings. Not only attending, but this weekend you could say I included more of the aa meetings into my daily life, or maybe it was time that it just kind of happened that way, either way it was a great weekend. 

Friday night was dinner and bowling with Miss' cousin and her boyfriend. Good laughs, an easy going fun friday night, but the best part the night, besides of course laughing and being with my fiancé and some of her extended family, was that no one drank any alcohol. We all had a great time talking at dinner and laughing, then bowling for two competitive hours thanks to groupon, and a quick card game at their house. It seems such a simple concept but really I can not remember a time hanging out and laughing at dinner and bowling without alcohol among great company!! On the way home, I couldn't help but stare at my fiancé with a smile on my face. I enjoyed myself!! I am fun without drinking!!! A topic that was discussed thursday at therapy. The biggest struggle I have had with no alcohol in my life. The fearful thoughts that I was just no fun without drinking, and like my therapist said, "that's sad Lianne, that you think you're no fun… it's not about the alcohol, it's your personality and who you are, you are a fun loving person."

After work Saturday, Miss and I took a drive, an unplanned drive, sightseeing the surrounding towns, and potential places we could afford to live someday. Life is fun with her, life is how it should be with her by my side, in the driver seat, taking me for a ride of my life. This is supposed to feel like this!! Buying snacks, holding hands, talking about the scenery…"we could totally live here some day!" And someday we will live somewhere in the most perfect house for us, holding our babies. Sugar highs, random drives, and driving ranges in Palmer, Ma.

Just when I thought the weekend couldn't get any better…. Sunday after church, with no plans to do lots of nothing, turned out to be the breakfast out, and a little shopping for my bride to be best friend was exactly what I needed. However, it didn't stop there. We ended up napping on the couches of my parent's house with Miss saying "are we pulling a Cosky?" haha, yes yes we are. When in rome do as the romans, so when at my parents do as my parents…nap on the couch. :) Only to be woken up by my brother's arrival home from coaching and reffing, asking us what we were going to eat already! The three of us had a very enjoyable dinner with laughs and lots of conversation with and without our waiter, but mostly with (haha), at a local pizza place. "I don't get out much," he kept saying, but with smiles and laughter across his face, no shame, anger or sadness. And that made it all worth it even though our bill was outrageous (and we didn't even have alcohol!!!) but it was all worth it!

It didn't stop there, even though it probably should have since he needed to sleep before his overnight shift. We went back to the house and hung out in the sitting room with a little youtube music videos from back in the day. A little home karaoke if you will. Just like the good ol' days in our play room upstairs in the house we grew up in. Just like those days. I can't put into words the feelings I have from last night. I will cherish the photos we took, so I can remember it. But this feeling, this feeling I hope is the beginning of these new good ol' days we are making for years ahead.

not your rock bottom, but MY rock bottom

It has been 122 days since I last drank a drop of alcohol….ok maybe more than a drop, so yeah,…four months sober today, alcohol free. That's 2,928 hours…175,680 minutes… ok you get the idea?! Four months, to some may not seem like a long time, to others it is a very long time. Going without something you have had whenever you wanted or in my recent year and a half or so, whenever you gathered with friends.

Last week's meeting, many spoke about change. No one likes change, they all stated it, and even so if they didn't, it's just kind of one of those things that goes without saying. Who likes changing their ever so comfortable routine, and especially a big change, who wants to do that? Everyone's rock bottom is different, that is definitely something I have learned/heard at these meetings. Everyone's rock bottom is different!! And that is important for me to understand and be reminded of.

Looking back at my drinking this past year and a half or so, when I was so broken and torn from different previous relationships, so broken about having to move back into my parents house after seven years of being out on my own, so broken about never ever finding someone to share my life with…yes, I probably (still have a hard time admitting it but that's ok, because I am getting there) hit MY rock bottom, not yours, not anyone else's, but mine. The things I have done, I sure as hell am not proud of. Do I remember the nights? Did I have fun in those moments? You bet I did, but the consequences of my actions could have been very dangerous or even fatal. Was it safe to drive all those times, not once, not twice, but multiple times, driving buzzed and even more than buzzed drinking and driving? Definitely was not! Driving buzzed is still drunk driving. And for whatever reason, my rock bottom never included being pulled over, or even scared by the thought of being pulled over (something I was fearful of in earlier years, just fearing cops in general or getting in trouble) apparently all went out the window drink by drink. So now I thank whoever was watching over me all those times, be grateful that my rock bottoms were not public knowledge, to some extent they were though. Friends hanging on to me as I struggle home, only to not remember passing by a cop car or whatever else on the way back. You get the point, they were not all happy drinking hanging out with friends times. Why couldn't I just have one or two and be satisfied with that. Instead, it was ok why not one more, or another one…but those snuck up on ya by the end of the night, and by then it's too late. The next morning, "maybe I shouldn't have had that many," but rather my thoughts were "glad I made it home."

Do I miss certain things about it? My first reaction answer may be a yes I do, I miss some of the good times and laughs with friends. Do I miss drinking? After smelling the wine bottles we are cleaning for centerpieces, maybe a little, but why, I wasn't even a big wine drinker, but it smelled good and fruity.

Do I miss drinking and getting so gone that I pissed myself in my sleep I didn't even know it more than once? Do I miss drinking and getting in the car, focusing so hard and trying to keep my eyes open, chewing my gum and worrying about going the speed limit so I blend in and can just make it home? No. What was my problem, why didn't I think this was a terrible idea? I never got in trouble as a kid, such fear of being in trouble or doing something wrong, some may have called me a prude or neurotic, paranoid whatever. So who was this person, just getting in the car after drinks and drinks most weekends time and time again, and drinking to the point of being incoherent when I knew I didn't have to drive home but slouch over passed out in the passengers seat to be dropped home at my house or my mothers, to find the nearest couch or bed in my clothes to sleep for the remaining of the night. Who was this person?

Miss told me yesterday that she loves this Lianne. She loves me more and more every day. She says I am more confident. It's funny she says that, because I thought with alcohol and not a care in the world anymore I was the most confident. It was all just a coping mechanism that wasn't going to last forever.

So did I hit rock bottom? Maybe you don't think so, maybe you can't see it or understand it, but did I hit MY rock bottom? Most definitely.

Be smart. Be kind. Be mindful. Be respectful of yourself and others. Be responsible.

a little patience and a lot of faith

There is so much truth in this quote. I remember being told this as early as middle school by so called friends. And I wouldn't really understand, and never really understood why I shouldn't say how I feel. This is me, that was me, so what if I said what was on my mind. I'm glad I never really listened to my so called friends, because it led me here. Say how you feel, always. No regrets, yes sure I have said some silly stuff or not so great stuff, but those were the choices I made and I tell her just about every week or so that she is my reason. It goes along with the quote above…"it always ends up just the way it should be." It sure does. 

Everything happens for a reason, and everything is worth it. The waiting, the hoping, the searching…all the stuff we go through to get to where we should be, to get to where we think we may never end up, it couldn't be more worth it when you finally get there. And I am here. I finally got here and it's so much better than I could have ever dreamt. 

We are planning a wedding, looking for house, paying my car off, doing things, saving money, changing my focus on to my family, our families, my sobriety, making better choices, looking forward to church sundays, and family dinners, and day trips with each other getting lost on the open road. These things some of which I have done before and some I have not, either way, they are all new. New experiences, new adventures, new me…more meaningful experiences, more fun adventures, a more meaningful me. 

I don't do small changes. Something I thought about today and yesterday. I do big things or nothing at all. I go all out or stay all in. Like when I got my eyebrow pierced, or went out and bought a dog…both with little thought but I very much knew I wanted both of these things so I did/got them. I have made other life changes that others may have not understood at the time, but looking back, no regrets, and am happier than ever. I have had some deja vu with all of these big changes again with my most recent big change of not drinking….deciding to be sober, quit drinking…however you word it, talk about it or label it, I have made another big change in my life that people may or may not approve or question it. I am being a more meaningful me, living my life in a different way than I have, yes, but a more meaningful me, doing things I have never even imagined I would in my lifetime. Looking for a house? Paying off my 34,000 dollar car loan? what what??? Holding the same job for the past five years? I am doing the most meaningful things I have ever done in my life and it feels great!! 

It's a transition. It's a change. It's something that will take time and patience. Will it all be worth it? Will I lose some people who were once close to me? Yes and Yes. But again, for the second time in my life, I am doing me, and that's not always easy. 

I never thought I would find a love like ours, ever. I never thought I'd see the day I am paying this car loan off….someday very soon I will be holding the title to the very first car I will own, and I never ever thought I would own a house someday…and all of this is because of you, because of US. I love you more than you can even imagine, but I hope someday, someday sooner than later, you know just how much I do love you, and am so grateful you showed up in my life again. 

You are my reason. I love you, I love

progress not perfection

Walked in to a church very much like the one we attend, white on the outside, the double doors, which were locked this evening as we were to enter the single side door that was labeled something or other fellowship hall. We took the first two seats to our left as we walked in the room full of unfamiliar faces. A silent tone as a reader was reading about the program welcoming statements, followed by the leader who read the reminders of the church hall and whatnot. The meeting began with welcoming everyone. "Hi my name is Jamie, I'm an alcoholic;" "Hi Jamie," "Hi my name is Will, I'm an alcoholic," "Hi Will," "Hi I am Lianne," "Welcome Lianne," "Hi I am Missy," "Welcome Missy"…and around the room we went. I wasn't quite sure what to think today, as all this hype, questioning and whatnot had been leading up to this very moment of me (and Miss) attending my first AA meeting. The why's, the questioning, the assumption that I am not an alcoholic so why go to the meetings…all led up to this very moment, not sure what I was thinking when I was sitting there and listening, but I was surely and truly listening to them all. Taking it all in, and sooner or later actually laughing and sighing with the rest of them, saying my "hi's" and "thank you's" with the rest of the group. Sooner or later, relating to some parts of their stories. Tonight's topic was how and when people first realized or accepted or both that they were alcoholics and/or addicts. It was a beginners meeting; however, not many at all were beginners. Some had been to these meetings 24 years now, since 1989, or 1992, or seven years or five years or their first day. All different kinds of people too. People who grew up with alcoholic grandparents, parents…some watched them die of the disease. In and out of these meetings people talked about their denial, their knowing they were an alcoholic but not ready to accept it. Alcoholics come in all different sizes, shapes, and appearances. There is no such certain look to an alcoholic, but many of them mentioned that was always what they had thought themselves: a person who was homeless, no job, drinking out of a paper bag and smelling of urine. However, there were just a few stories of people losing their jobs and living out of their cars or halfway houses and homeless shelters. Alcoholics look like me and you. I could relate to some parts of their stories, holding back my tears as Miss put her arm around me.

Alcoholics, lesbians, sex offenders, cancer survivors…whatever the title… look like you and me. 

A few things resonate with me that were said by the different people willing to tell parts of their stories tonight. "Trying to eat 5 or 6 pieces of bread to try and sober up before driving home," "it was only one DUI, I only got arrested once, those were pretty good odds since I drank a lot," "I would still be hungover the next morning and talking about going out tonight drinking to the bars," … but mostly this one that went something like this, Alcoholism isn't about drinking every waking hour, or even drinking every day for that matter, it's the way you feel afterwards, but still talk about getting smashed with friends, or not being able to wait til the work day is over and going to get hammered tonight or over the weekend, social drinkers don't talk like that, they can have one or two or maybe even three, they don't worry about finding a designated driver…" and he continued, but those stuck with me. It was the same guy who said those things earlier about trying to eat all this bread to sober up and drive home, thanking god maybe the next morning that you made it home alive. 

I've never smashed up cars, flipped over or even dented cars, never been arrested or lived in a half way house, lost family members or even relationships because of my drinking, but I do know that I'm lucky I have never wrapped my car around a telephone pole, hurt myself or anyone else when apparently eating those three or four slices of pizza did not sober me up enough to drive my friend and myself home. I do know that being addicted to whatever the thing is, alcoholism is in my family, it's in my blood. I saw a lot of my dad there, and wondered just how much shit he went through with his dad, an alcoholic, his mom who was in love with an alcoholic, and my dad himself drinking by a very early age which led to other stuff. As another guy said, "I didn't start drinking at age 10 and then was handed a trench coat and a paper bag of booze the next day, it's the progression that will kill you." 

I went because I wanted to go...unsure of the exact reasons but that's not important. Whatever the reason, whether it was to bring me closer to my dad and his addiction he conquered, to bring me closer to my mom and hear her stories of my dad and her going to AA meetings as dates, to bring me closer to my grandparents, to bring me closer to understanding addiction in all it's forms, to bring me closer to my brothers, and myself. Free therapy in addition to my regular therapy, but will I get more out of these meetings, quite possible at this point in my life. I am going on four months sobriety myself. Do I think I am an alcoholic? Do I think I had a problem with alcohol or an addiction? Did I make stupid possible life altering choices while drinking? An alcoholic, an addict…they are your neighbors, your bank tellers, your plumbers, your teachers, your grandparents, your parents, your friends, and maybe even yourself. 

I left the meeting with the same feeling but stronger as when I first entered if that makes any sense. It was yet another feeling I can not put into exact words. I reached for Miss' hand as we held each other walking back to the car, and I said "maybe we can do dinner with my mom on tuesdays so we can come to the meeting afterwards." And Miss stared back at me saying "sure we can." And that was that. I talked a little bit about it afterwards with my brother and mother as we picked Russell back up, and I knew I needed to blog before bed, or I wouldn't be able to fall asleep tonight. 

It has been a very emotional day…few weeks. Today I found out in the most painful crampy way ever, that my fallopian tubes are not scarred and/or damaged from past stupid decisions and that I am one step closer to being a mom, to having a family with Miss. Today I heard the words "you are worth it" from the most loving caring genuine respectful person I can not wait to call my wife. Today I went to my first AA meeting. Today was a really emotionally healing and fulfilling day in so many ways. 

"I'll kiss every scar that's been planted on your heart and love you for who you are"

They say never to cry over the same thing twice, once it's done it's done. Tonight I was crying to let it all out, every last bit…Missy has allowed me to cry, laugh, and feel beautiful. I need to stop thinking I don't deserve the love I have been given these past short five months, and it's truly just a preview of what is to come. I apologize in advance if you are reading this and I seem to be jumping all over the place, but then again, maybe you're used to that in some of my writings. 

Anywho… I have been thinking about a lot and thinking about not thinking. I want to believe that I deserve this love and I truly know I do, she is my reason. All of these things, things that add up to our number five, the fact that we have met before, been to similar places, of all these things, of meeting again on an online dating site ten plus years later and a few hundred miles away, these things are not coincidences…it's fate, soul mates, call it what you want, but it's not coincidence. She truly is my reason. And so is Russell. Russell my schnoodle, my eight year old furry white haired curly love is my reason I didn't give up. 

I wasn't looking for love, I wasn't looking for this, I was slowly giving up and maybe already had, but knew that I just couldn't be any other way. I couldn't be another depressed soul wasting away and causing loved ones pain and worry. But then again, I'm not so sure I wasn't making them not worry by my drinking a lot and making one too many reckless drives home from whatever bar or get together I was at. And now since I have not been drinking since December 28, 2013, people seem to think that it's weird and ask if I will ever drink again, or if I will drink at a social event or special occasion rather, but for right now, this very moment, I will not and do not plan on it, not even at my very own special occasion. My dad, a recovered alcoholic for more years than I have been alive, and I talked just briefly about it, very briefly. I just wanted to see or hear his reaction, and it was good. He mentioned how long he had been sober and that was it, pretty much it, but it was still good for me to hear. There was no judgement, no worry, no questions in his voice or our very short conversation. 

Yes I had great times with alcohol, but I also put myself and maybe even others at times in danger; once I started, I didn't want to stop drinking until I was either incoherent or needed to be walked or driven home only to vomit or pee myself without realization of it all until morning, or hours later when I woke up. I made poor decisions in seeing people who I knew were no good for me and whatnot as well. What was the point of it all? But I can't think about it and I sure as hell can't change any of it. But would I want to change it? No, because it all, the good bad and the ugly, all of it has made me who I am and brought me to where I am. And that I truly can believe. Accidents happen, but this love, this love I have with you, Miss, this is no accident, we were suppose to meet again. 

When I look into her eyes, I feel safe, so safe. I feel loved, unbelievably loved, and I feel beautiful, unbelievably beautiful. And then I started crying when I told her that tonight. All these emotions just keep pouring out of me, they better stop before we say our vows or I'm going to be one hot mess. ha. It's cleansing though. These tears, reliving some of these feelings, it's all kind of cleansing. There really isn't any other word to describe it. 

Miss is not a dog person at all, and I mean at all!! The change I have seen in her with Russell, I couldn't ask for a better change. She loves me so much and has known from the beginning that if she is going to love me, Russell and I come as a package deal. She has been so amazing; the pictures she sends me of him and of the two of them even sometimes when I'm working; the fact that she takes him out at times when I'm so tired or busy doing something; the way she jokes around with him saying his name all excitedly so he gets excited even though she's not so thrilled, haha. She's amazing, and it means the world to me.

 I bought Russell, as a two and a half month old shy little puppy, on a rainy wednesday afternoon March 15, 2006 because I couldn't stand people anymore. I truly just couldn't stand most people, so I got a dog. He was and still is my baby. And all these years, it has been the ongoing joke that I got him because I couldn't stand people, even though it held some truth. Tonight sitting with Miss, my words just poured out without any thought, but they made complete sense. Maybe I got Russell instead of a plant, because I had to be responsible for him, he was a life that now depended on me. No matter what the case was, no matter what my mood was, no matter how depressed I was over my friends leaving me without reasons, and no matter how saddened I was over the multiple losses of family loved ones, I had to get up out of bed. Every morning, I had to get up no matter what and take Russell out, feed him and care for him. He depended on me and before I knew it, I was depending on him. He knows when I am sad, and comforts me, he knows when I'm mad and keeps his distance, he has taught me love in a different form, a bond that is so much stronger than what may appear on the surface as just girl and her dog. Russell was my reason for not giving up. 

You, Miss, you are my reason for not completely giving up. You truly do make me feel the most loved, the most beautiful person in the world. Flash backs of childhood drama like being the fattest ballerina in class, being a soccer midfielder but not being a runner, wearing elastic waist pants til I hit high school, just to name a few and even more so in my adult hood of never being good enough to be someone's girlfriend and all that jazz. So here I am with slighter puffier eyes tonight than this morning, but my heart even fuller. Time to go to bed and lay this all to rest with my most amazing fiancé, and someone I could not be happier to be calling my wife, someday very soon.