LIFE BEGINS AT THE END OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE

Wow, these lights are bright. I hate public speaking by the way. But tonight I am coming out as confused and coming out of my comfort zone. The people who spoke earlier motivated me to come up here and share my story. Although I don't have any light bulb kind of moment when I knew I was gay. Well I'm not gay, or a lesbian or whatever,... I have never been one for labels...maybe it's my psychology degree in me. But anyways....People have recently asked me "when did you come out?" and "how long have you been gay?" and my answer was "ummm....welll....." yeah so here is my story. Not too sure where to start, either the fourth grade sleepovers I had with my friends and we would make out, apparently I thought that was normal because all growing up I was boyyyyyyy crazy!!!! I admire those who came up to speak tonight, I am turning 31 in ten days and I still don't have my life together. So it's kinda funny that I'm like the last one to speak tonight, because I am the last one to do everything, lose my virginity, get married, figure out my life, cause well I still haven't figured it out, but there is no magical number when you have to have it all figured out. I had my first real girl crushes in college, the safest place to have those feelings. I went to UMaine Farmington, a very gay friendly school. And yeah...one Christmas while standing at the sink doing dishes at the sink with my mom, I was like "I like girls," and she was like "tell me something I don't know." My mom is awesome. But that's not really when it happened for me, I still dated guys after that, I dated and liked girls, I had sex with guys and girls and I was even engaged to a man. Being proposed to was one of the best feelings in the world, feeling so loved and thinking you have it all, but unfortunately it didn't work out. I actually fell for someone who was a woman, and called her out on her being gay because she wasn't out to her family yet or even to herself completely yet, even though she knew inside she was a lesbian. So yeah, breaking off my engagement was one of the hardest things I had to do, but I dealt with some other hard things, like losing loved ones to death in my early twenties. As much as I still miss them so much everyday, those experiences taught me many things, and especially gave me strength to make it through this...breaking off my engagement, and falling in love with a woman. All of these things made me stronger, more sarcastic, as it was my defense mechanism to survive, and more open, and able for me to stand up here in front of you tonight. Maybe this will resonate with some of you, or a friend of yours or whoever. maybe not now, maybe years from now. Because if I have learned anything, it's that life is way too short to be unhappy and angry with yourself, love yourself. No one is going to love yourself more than you, and be comfortable with yourself, because only then can you be comfortable with others. So yeah I guess that's it. Thank you.

and round of applause, and people saying thank you for sharing, and I'm glad I stayed. And after listening to one more speaker, we walked out, signed our "coming out as..." on this white painted door in the Grind, the on campus club where concerts and such are held at Clark University, for national coming out day! As we walked out to sign the door and then leave to our cars, a speaker named Becca, who attends Clark and had just spoken a few people before me, looked at me and said "you rock" as I walked by her. I said "aw, thank you!! you do too!!!" She was married to man and now since divorced at the young age of 24 and identifies herself as gay/lesbian. All of the stories tonight were special in their own way, and it was something I will definitely attend in the future!

When I got to my car tonight, I was soo very proud of myself. I did it!!! And there were still at least 20-30 people in the room to listen to me, to my story! aaaahhhhh. I couldn't help but smile ear to ear and feel so naturally high, hopeful, happy and proud to share tonight. 

different

you were my most favorite first love. from forever and forever ago. and it breaks my heart that we don't talk anymore. you're married now, have a child, and a life of your own. but even though we don't talk anymore, I mean we do talk, just not as much as we used to, and we haven't seen each other in years, because although you want nothing but the best for me, and for me to be happy, you turned on me just like the others when I started dating her. so that put some time between us. That aside, you are my most favorite first love. you were and still are my childhood. you are in all the years that I sometimes can't remember the exact details to,  from the past, but you..you represent my childhood, and I don't ever want to forget the details that surround you. No one will ever truly understand what you and I had, I'm not sure we will even ever understand, but now, maybe now we understand what we had the best, because no matter what, no matter how much time passes, no matter how little words are exchanged, you still know and I know that we would do anything for each other. you were the one who changed me forever, in more ways than we both could imagine. remember that time I drove you to work and we said if we weren't married by such and such time then I guess we'll get married. but then you had to go and get married. That's the thing with us, our timing never never ever ever ever matched up....all those years...all our  years together. We had the best and worst relationship non-dating relationship I have ever had with anyone else. I played many roles in your life as you did in mine,  but would I change it, do I regret it, would I relive it all over....in a heart beat! I was just talking to a friend of mine the other night...about love and relationships and whatnot...we all have that one person, that one person that we may compare others to, we may long for over and over, or that one person we would have done anything for because they touched our hearts and lives in such a way no one else had

the end of our ITALY trip

Ahh, it's been almost two weeks that we returned from such an amazing once in a life time kind of trip to Italy!! here is the conclusion of the last few days we spent in Italy...

where did I leave off....ah ha, day 6...April 15th, we went walking around Rome again, just a few piazza's (plazas) that we did not walk through on the first day with Auntie Chris...and took our time strolling around, doing a little shopping, people watching, and gelato eating. We got back around 7 or so, just in time to have a little chicken and salad before my Aunt dropped us off at the Lazio vs. Juventus futbol (soccer) game!!! What an experience that was!!! AMAZING!!!! and to think it was only a regular scheduled game, with the fireworks, flags, chants, and songs...sooo fun!!!!! and great seats for just 20 euros, which would be like 25 dollars or so in american money!!

It was a great time. My brother Nick was like a little kid in a candy store!!! And even though the Lazio (another Rome team besides Roma) team lost 2-0, the fans were still cheering until the end, and the soccer players clapped for their fans in appreciation at the end of the game as well. Nick said they do that in Europe, which was so nice to see!! Great times!! Then Auntie picked us up, and told us the sad news about the Boston Marathon bombings...so we watched that on CNN via computer when we got back. What a terrible week back at home.

Tuesday morning, the 16th, we were up early out and about to the train station. Uncle David dropped us off on his way to work, we bought our tickets and off we were on the fast train to Venice, which was still a three hour ride, but I slept some and just took in all the views of the amazing countryside in Italy!! We arrived, took a water taxi and found our hotel, Hotel Noemi, great deal and location for just a one night stay, then found a sandwich spot, I grabbed a panini and a corona!!! We were off to walk the streets of Venice!! I absolutely LOVED LOVED LOVED Venice. I don't know how long I could live on the water, but it would definitely be an experience. Water right up to the buildings, no cars, just boats, water taxis, bridges up and over the water, crossing the streets!!! water streets!!! Great little shops, good finds for gifts!! and we really lucked out for the weather!! It was very warm and sunny with a cool breeze. For dinner we ate outdoors on the Grand Canal near the Rialto bridge, had some spaghetti with shrimp, but the shrimp was in the hard shells I had to fork out before eating it, but it was delicious anyways of course!

 

The next morning, we were off to Florence via fast train...only about an hour and a half ride. The scenery was just amazing.. it never got old!! We got to Florence and again, our hotel accommodations were perfect, they were soo very nice at the Bellevue House Hotel, and for the right price too!! We were off for lunch at a place around the corner from there, I had this salmon alfredo pasta, fishy but soo very tasty, with the house red wine! Yum. Then we were off on another train ride to the town of Lucca, where we did some sight seeing and shopping, ran into people from Shrewsbury, MA, and store owners who knew Kittery Maine and Arizona...etc. such a small world.

 

Lucca was beautiful...

 the people from Shrewsbury...

 a little Nonna riding around town.

Took a late train about 8 or so, back to Florence, where we walked to streets aimlessly looking for this restaurant that they had told us about at our hotel... well after walking this way and that way and this way again, and even asking people on the street, did I mention I had to pee since before we left Lucca, but the bathroom was closed at the station, what the hell... after we were all angry hungry and aggravated, my feet hurt and I had to pee, I stormed off back to the hotel by myself!!! The three of them ended up just eating dinner back at the place we had lunch. I walked the streets of Florence back to the hotel, but before walking up four flights of stairs, I just bought a corona at the mini mart across the street, while I waited for the Quattro formagio pizza I ordered at the restaurant across from our hotel. Took them up to the hotel room, put on the BBC news channel and ate in peace. Waited for my mom to come back so I could let her in and then went to bed!! The next day, Thursday... we spent walking around Florence....

 my dinner in Florence...

sweet smells in the bakeries...

 

                                            
 flowers blooming.

 the view of Florence...

 Ponte Vecchio bridge

 silly Stanley... wanted to buy this apron for himself, but it was too big.

 We ate lunch here Thursday... yum!! I had seafood risotto...every kind of seafood one could imagine!!! including OCTOPUS!!

 the man!!! he sold my mom and kimmy leather coats for a really really good deal!! he was awesome!

 leather market in San Lorenzo square... leather leather leather...in Florence!

 rub the snout for good luck!!

 David, not the original, but it'll do.

 Train ride home from Florence to Rome....
We got back from Florence around 8 or so, not really sure, but just in time for dinner. Auntie Chris and Uncle David picked us up from the train station and we went out for pizza,  because that's what you do, eat out if you are going to eat out at a restaurant, they hardly do take out!! It was a great place, we were exhausted from the past few days, nice to drink some more white wine and eat some broccoli and sausage pizza and share pasta carbanara with mom. A great last night meal in Italy. Back to the house to pack up for home sweet home Friday morning. Packed and weighed our suitcases, said our goodbyes to Uncle David and Rachel. Auntie drove us in the morning, and we were off to catch our flight to Philly, which was delayed a little bit, but luckily this time we had about two hours or so for any delays etc..which didn't matter anyways, because once landing in Philly, our plane was delayed an hour or so...but luckily the ban was lifted in Boston and all was good, or atleast getting better in Boston, having had found the second bombing suspect from the marathon bombings. what a week... but it was still nice to be home. What a trip of a lifetime. Every bit and piece of it was absolutely breathtaking and amazing!! makes you appreciate the little things, the things we take for granted and all that jazz... I miss it so much. It made me wish I had the opportunity to study abroad in college, something I had always wanted to do, but the September 11th tragedy kinda put a stop to that my sophomore year... so this was a great opportunity!!

 

di cinque giorni... Day 5!!

Day 5 ROMA with Auntie Chris and Uncle David!!

halfway through our trip, and you're lucky I know that much! I love not knowing what time or day it is!!! Anyways...today we ventured out rather late...after I got yelled at a few times for sleeping in and taking my time, I guess the lack of sleep finally caught up with me this morning!! haha. oh well...we had a sit down breakfast at the house first, then I showered and got ready to leave...we left probably around 1 or so, and were still out until about 7!! :) We drove with Auntie and Uncle David to Ostia Antica, the ancient port of Roma...

Ostia Antica is a large archeological site, close to the modern suburb of Ostia (Rome), that was the location of the harbour city of ancient Rome, which is approximately 30 km to the northeast. "Ostia" in Latin means "mouth". At the mouth of the River Tiber, Ostia was Rome's seaport, but due to silting the site now lies 3 km from the sea. The site is noted for the excellent preservation of its ancient buildings, magnificent frescoes and impressive mosaics.

It was a beautiful day for it...not too hot, not too cold! I don't think I've been cold since I've been here!! :) Did I mention how incredible it is that all of these buildings and statues and whatnot have been so well preserved since time before christ?!? It is just CRAZY to THINK ABOUT?!?

 There were two ground levels...one was the street level how it used to be in BC times (the lower levels) and then AD and present times...restoration...

 this was a town....there were houses, the cemetery (before you entered the gate) and bars, and public baths (hot and cold) and colleges....insane!!

the cemetery behind me...

 amphitheater....no big deal, UMF had one of these...hahaa.

this was a bar...

 outside the bar...look at the floor. .. amazing condition! (the view from what would have been my apartment if I lived back then)

 school!

After the hike up and down, in and out of Ostia,  we drove through Rome and ended up making a few stops along the way home, one to the infamous keyhole, where you peek through the keyhole of what appears to be someones house, or used to be anyways, and look through their keyhole to the gate, through the gardens and a perfect view to the dome of St. Peter's Cathedral!! Amazing Amazing!!!

took a few more shots, and headed home, where we ate ribs that fell off the bone, some pesto pasta dish with potatoes and green beans in it as well, and zucchini, followed by creme brulee and an apple tarte for dessert that my Aunt didn't have time to make on mom's birthday, the 12th.
HEAVENLY creme brulee. A few glasses of wine and some water, and some journal writing, and day five is behind us. What a day. What a five days it has been!!

We booked hotels for Venice and Florence for tuesday and wednesday nights. Tomorrow it's off to try and buy tickets for the tomorrow night soccer game Lazio vs. Juventus, and then just walk around town, taking our time, eating some more gelato and maybe a panini, and doing some shopping. Sounds great to me!!!!!

Ciao!! 

 
 we found an elementary school!!

 Now where is the Albanian? haha ;)

wedding cake building... officially known as Monumento Nazionale a Vittorio Emanuele II